None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with " A man once told me… "
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Come to think of it, so is monogamy.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It called Wedding Cake.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, Dust!"
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country son."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted:.
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match to stove and refrigerator.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to f#@k?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich.
How can you tell a macho woman?
She rolls her own tampons.
What do you call 25 lesbian stacked on top of each other?
A block of flaps.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight.
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm!
Why do jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
What do women & dog turds have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!
What is the similarity between a woman and laxative?
They both irritate to shit out of you!
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quite.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated.
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there and get shit-faced?"
What do you call three dogs and a blackbird?
The Spice Girls
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it's from.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up a down the aisles, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sirs, I thought you were looking for tampons for you wife?"
He says, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she cam home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
Some Classy Moves!
The Houdini
Going at it doggy style until you are just about to come, then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she turns around a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and amazed, wondering how you managed it.
The Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act of blowing a hot steamy load down the back of a girl's throat and then proceeding to give her a large cold bottle of your favourite carbonated drink, making her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.
Dirty Sanchez
A time honoured event in which while laying the bone doggy-style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a thin shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.