Week 5

Match Reports For Week 5 Sat. 30th Sept. Season 2000 - 2001

Mens 1st XI

Staines 2 v Tunbridge Wells 2

Urrr - Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, the year 2000 and we are off and running.

Staines travelled to the count-ry on Saturday to play Tunbridge in a picturesque park on a summery autumn day. And for the first ten minutes it seemed as Staines were having a picnic. T/Wells started briskly and applied early pressure but their prolific centre forward Jonny Sumo was unable to break the deadlock and the boys in blue began to claw their way back with some pulsating running from Captain Sitting Bull and his squaw pee wee Watson.

Dodwell slammed in a penalty corner and Sitting Bull scalped the fallen keeper and drove the ball home. Staines continued to dominate but against the run of play Tunbridge were gifted a penalty by General Custor and his trusty steed, sorry I mean whistle and the game was level.

Staines were then rocked when their brave Apache - Larry Hammer Fist was sin binned after his unlike stealth attack was spotted and his opponent was felled with a fore arm smash followed up with a glancing blow from his whirling tomahawk. With turmoil in the Staines reservation, Tunbridge grabbed the lead when Fozzy Big Foot hoofed the ball into the back of his own net.

The second half ebbed and flowed, Staines becoming more dominant and finally equalised when Larry roofed a penalty corner - with the crys of Calum who !!!!!!! echoing around the stadium. Tunbridge prepared for one last assault and gained a penalty stroke, Rob Burrows growled loudly and Mr Sumo put his penlaty wide.

The points were shared and Staines were happy with their days work.

Roll on next Saturday....

Mens 2nd XI

Staines 2^nd XI 2-1 Hendon

Believe it or not, our erstwhile leader has graduated from "Captain Calamity" to become our very own "Captain Catastrophe"!

After taking his team into a second successive season without any warm-up games, we ran out for our first league fixture with only 10 men. In his defence, Adam then produced an inspirational performance up front and led his troops to a memorable if not distinguished victory.

Hero of the day was, without doubt, James Gilchrist who despite having his modelling career put in serious jeopardy by a wayward Hendon stick removing one of his front teeth, he returned to the fray to fight on.

The Hendon goal was scored early on after Andy Oliver conceded possession in a dangerous position. In the second half he partly redeemed himself with a stinging short-corner strike, which was some-how parried on the line, but the ensuing scramble resulted in a penalty stroke being awarded. Servais did the business from the spot.

Another short-corner saw the rebound being picked up by Rodney "Lightening" Crowe who sent in a goal-bound rapier like shot which, in an act of self-glorification was touched into the by James "Sniffer" Hall.

Rising star, Mark Leaslow took the man-of-the-match award plus the record for the slowest downing of a pint in Second Team history.

Andrew Oliver

Mens 3rd XI

Staines Men’s 3’s - Match Report 30 September 2000. V. Surbiton 4A.

The reigning MBBO champions travelled to Surbiton for the first league game of the season and also the first game Staines 3’s play in the premiership echelons. We faced this challenge with slight trepidation.

Staines were almost at full strength, only lacking Mark ‘space cadet’ Lees-Low, who was on loan to the 2’s this week. The game started in brilliant sunshine and surprisingly the first 10 minutes Staines were in the ascendancy, Subiton unable to cope with some superb movement and incisive attacks. Eventually this resulted in ‘Twang’ Duffield receiving the ball from 5 yards out and coolly crashing it home giving their keeper no time to react.

Surbiton responded, driving hard at Staines who resolutely held firm under the greying skies. Things were starting to boil over - a bit of pushing here - swopping of elbows there. Then Martin decided he could do better than Steve Backley and attempted to spear the ball with his stick from long range. The umpire was not impressed by Spearchucker Rengger and sent him off for a few minutes, just as the clouds burst and the pitch flooded in seconds under a deluge. Soon it was clear that a temporary postponement was in order as Noah’s Ark floated across the centre circle.

The final ten minutes of the first half was resumed in much better temper but still ferociously competitive. Unfortunately Staines conceded a goal soon after the restart as Surbiton repeatedly attacked. Staines did not fold on this set back but actually stepped up the tempo, managing to deliver the ideal riposte just before half time - the defence snuffing out a Surbiton attack and delivering a 50 yard pass of devastating brilliance to Alpesh who touched the ball on to Martin Rengger who in turn instinctively shot for a 2-1 lead.

The second half saw Staines defence under massive pressure from Surbiton but as all last season, our bastions still held. Gizz had a magnificent game, at one point our very own hyperactive giraffe brilliantly collected the ball on the run slipped it past two defenders, cantered towards the edge of the D and then sadly choked his shot. For that one minor indiscretion he gained the Donkeys Arse award. This even overshadowed Doctor Brittle’s attempt to win the Arse award by collecting a yellow card for playing football too much !

Staines felt immediate relief when we scored a third goal from a ‘Whispering Sid’ Exocet into the D which Martin managed to deflect for the goal. The final 10 minutes Staines were under the cosh as Surbiton chucked everything including the kitchen sink at our impenetrable defences - holding out for a 3-1 win.

Alpesh had an inspired game purring and shedding hair all over the pitch, he deservedly won the Hero of the Day award. Quiz question - What has a shiny head, sometimes turns purple and occasionally foams at the mouth ? Answers to our lovely cuddly skipper !