Match Reports For Week 19 Sat. 6th Jan. Season 2000 - 2001

Mens 1st XI

Staines 3 Tunbridge Wells 0.

Happy New Year readers and welcome back to Larry's weekly column, filling you in on all the hot news and gossip for the second half of the season. The Christmas period appeared to have been enjoyed by all, as the now eleven fat bastards stepped out to take on Tunbridge Wells on Saturday. According to Rob Burrows, when aligned correctly Duncan and Fu had the combined surface area to replicate a solar eclipse.

After the fantastic finish to the first half of the season, confidence was still high and the blue army were determined as ever to continue their march up the league. With a few old scores to settle, Tunbridge Wells were about to face a team on a long winning streak.

It was a very open game that saw good opportunities for both teams, however it was Staines who took an early lead. The midget man Watson was once again spotted loitering with intent at the back post, where he calmly slotted the ball home. The game was still delicately poised and an important second goal before half time helped stamp some authority on the game. Everyone would like to say that this goal came form a well-rehearsed short corner, but there was definitely a certain amount of improvisation involved. Short corner X saw the ball passed around the D in a random fashion before it finished on the stick of the deadly assassin Larry, who shut his eyes, looked up to the Gods and some how finished with precision and power.

The second half should have seen Staines take a commanding lead, but it was the blues that were put under early pressure. Some fantastic saves by Rob Burrows (Man of the Match) kept the opposition at bay, and as Tunbridge pushed forward numerous opportunities were created for Staines on the break. Liam squandered the majority of these, and deservedly got voted dick of the day for his ineptitude infront of goal, and it was up to grumpy pants Dodwell to score our third from another short corner. Marlboro Man Hall and his wheezing side kick Sid controlled the midfield well, and a solid defensive performance helped keep a clean sheet as the game finished 3 - 0.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 2nd XI - Lost 3-1 away to Hendon

This was an abysmal performance. The First team can shoulder some of the blame for rather selfishly preventing our only training session after Christmas before an important league fixture - the 3rd XI were similarly afflicted. However, that factor cannot be entirely blamed for such an awful display by virtually every member of our team. Even the penalty stroke won by Roger Greenway from which we scored via James Gilchrist, was miss-cued so badly, it barely reached the backboard!

Voting for Man-of-the-Match was a difficult proposition but new old boy Dave Lacy took the honours. The Weakest Link was again Andy Nelhams.

Improvement next week is essential and hopefully will not be too difficult from such depths.

Andrew Oliver

Mens 3rd XI

Staines Men's 3's - Match Report 6 January 2001. V. Surbiton.

First game of the new year and the Staines 3rd Battalion are in urgent need of acquiring some points in order to get clear of the relegation danger zone. At least today we were blessed with excellent weather and a reasonably strong looking team sheet. James Hall was guesting for the second time this season; and coming out of temporary retirement, we managed to lever Paul Murphy out of his bath chair and deposit him on the pitch.

Staines made an excellent start, despite certain players carrying a bit of extra ballast due to Christmas excesses. Some good passing and work off the ball was evident, resulting in several early attempts on Surbitons goal. After only 10 minutes a cross in from the left was deflected by Martin Rengger enough for the ball to squirm past the goal keepers boot and just over the goal line - 1-0 to Staines.

First half domination by Staines continued with several other good attempts on goal but unfortunately we did not capitalise. Meanwhile when Surbiton were able to get forward their young left winger, built like a greased whippet with acne and apparently powered by a Warp Drive unit, was giving Deano a torrid time.

The second half saw fortune swing the other way, Staines showing signs of fatigue sooner than the younger and leaner opposition. Gizz and Sid were having difficulty keeping down last nights Chinese meal! Our defence remained solid and our goal-keeper relatively bored with his lack of action until 15 minutes into the half when a Surbiton short corner took a wicked deflection off a defenders stick to give them a lucky goal.

Staines were eager to get the winning goal and pressed forward creating a couple more superb chances, one of which fell to the reliable, redoubtable Twang Duffield. An absolute peach of a ball was virtually teed up at his feet, he swung his stick, it must be a certain GOOOA……oh Bugger - he missed the ball !

Still keen to get the winner we continued to press forward dangerously, Sid got robbed of the ball on the opposition 25 yard line several times, not being built for speed Sid could only watch the fast disappearing back of his opponent and then shout to the rest of us "Whose marking that man !"

A 1-1 draw was probably a fair reflection of both teams efforts and ends our poor streak of form before Christmas. Sanatogen Man Murphy was voted Hero of the Day for an intelligent performance at left half i.e. he did not move too much and kindly allowed his team mates to do the running about bit. Deano unfortunately won the Donkeys Arse award after his difficult time trying to contain their hyper-active left winger. Hopefully Mrs Deano will give the old warhorse a rub down with soothing lineament to get him fit for next week.

Vince Rowley.

Mens 4th XI

Amersham 3 v Staines 4 Played: Newlands College Astro Date: 6-Jan-2001 Result: LOST 1-3

Heroes : Alex (for the fine 2nd half) and Simon (welcome back!) Zeros : The idiot in control of the floodlights

First some mixed news over the Xmas break. Nick had gone backpacking around New Zealand and Aussieland and will probably miss the rest of the season (best of luck Nick!!). However the good news is that Simon was back today for his first game of the season after breaking his leg during the summer.

Gordon's new warm up routine appeared to be doing the trick as we started brighter than normal, and it was after about 15 mins that a slick sequence of one touch passes down the left wing led to a fine pass onto Gordon's stick at top D for what he made look an easy finish.

However shortly after the wheels came off. Suddenly it seemed that the Xmas pudding was catching up with a few players, or it might have been the encroaching gloom as the floodlights failed to come on. There were rumours circulating that the Amersham team were operating an elaborate plan to keep it dark, as they had received a joblot of Action Man night vision contact lenses for Xmas, or that they had abstained from the traditional Xmas fare to crunch carrots all holiday!!!

Soon their razor sharp vision in the gloom allowed them to touch the ball past Pete in goal twice as we stood around bemused - the mood darkened to match the sky. A break in the cloud saw a sprinkle of sunlight and as halftime approached we thought we had levelled. A brilliant flick by Ada left the keeper looking like a muppet only to be denied by the umpire's decision that the ball had not been stopped ( the suggestion that he doesn't like orange vegetables comes to mind).

The floodlights came on to the chirping of what felt like the dawn chorus and the last 30 mins of the game started. A blue tide swept forward pushing the green shirts back into their D. However Amersham had only conceded 13 goals (the same as High Wycombe the leaders, and only one more than Mill Hill who have the best defence in the league), so it was always going to be difficult. However, with the short corner count rolling into double figures for the 2nd half alone, at least a draw was there for the taking.

Instead we went for the shoot yourself in the foot option by playing the same short corner routine,over and over again, possibly in attempt to bore the defence to sleep. Incredibly it almost worked when Ada's low flick forced a good save from the keeper.

With 5 mins to go we were caught on the break and a valiant charge back into his D by Martin was halted by a low flying guided missile - the attempted avoidance move was reminiscent of the Kung Fu posture "Dancing Crow with One Leg Tied to a Tree" - a worthy entrant for the end of season Oscars.

Desparate attacking now kept alive the hopes of a draw, but then with only a minute to go some desparately bad defending saw the Amersham No. 71 speed away, go around the sprawling Pete, and score from a ridiculous angle with the back of his stick, sorry reverse stick !!

All in all a game we should have drawn and could easily have won ended in despair. Let's hope it was just one of those days.

Martin Jackson

Mens 5th XI

No report submitted.

Mens Centurions

No report submitted.

Ladies 1st XI

Staines Ladies 1st X1 2 Ashford 0

Staines Ladies 1st XI played a friendly game against Ashford this Saturday.
After a 3 week break Staines knew it would be good to get a win under their belt before commencing with the 3 league games over the next 3 weeks. Ashford proved to be tough opposition and held the home side during the first half. However, with some fine tackling by player of the match Yvonne Gayle and a continued team effort, a goal came from Kerry Maskery in the middle of the second half. This boosted Staines and another goal came just minutes later from Sarah Hamilton. Both goals were assisted by some great play from Melanie Attfield.

Ladies 2nd XI

No report submitted.

Ladies 3rd XI

Staines 2 - Hampstead and Westminster 2

This was a re arranged league game from last year and it was important that we did well. Despite Staines forward having 80% of the play we were 1 nil down at half time.

After a positive team talk we came out fighting and ten minutes later we were 1 all with a goal from Dina after a cross from Sarah Davies. With the return of some of the old 3's players Juliet, Jude and Linda the team continued to work together and after a break from the half way line and various well positioned crosses, Linda scored with 10 minutes to go. All we had to do was get another goal to be safe or defend hard. Unfortunately with seconds to go H&W took a late run and despite Abby in goal making a dramatic dive they managed to flick it past her and into the goal.

Player of the match was Linda McCormack who despite being another year older shows there is no age limit. However come back Kath and Louise!

Ladies 4th XI

No report submitted.