Match Reports For Week 20 Sat. 13th Jan. Season 2000 - 2001

Mens 1st XI

Staines 3 Gore Court 2.

I am sure that we have all heard of the simple physics equation Speed = Distance /Time. Well clearly our illustrious skipper had not, as we arrived at this away fixture two hours before the pushback. One can only assume that a combination of too many admin meetings, high stress levels, and a smaller than average brain had resulted in us leaving Staines with enough time to play an away fixture in France!

A win today would ensure us forth position in the league, and Gore Court who had already beaten us once this season, were expected to be tough opponents. The game was typically hard fought with mistakes from both sides, and shall be remembered, not for its attractive hockey, but for a number of key turning points that altered the shape of the game. After absorbing some early pressure it was in fact Staines who opened the scoring. Lord Hall finished calmly after some fantastic interchange between the defence and the midfield. .Squeaky, who had clearly been sucking Helium balloons all week long, stretched the lead further, taking us into half time 2-0 up.

The second half saw the wheels fall off the wagon somewhat. We were to be reduced to ten men after Stouka was given his marching orders for what the umpire thought was a terrible tackle, and while off the pitch, Gore Court pulled a goal back. Rav required some fresh legs up front and looked to call upon the dynamo Watson. However, Robbie was nowhere to be found, and later admitted that whilst warming up he was caught short and had to make tracks of his own in the confines of the nearest toilet cubicle. This was to be Robbie's fifth visit of the day, and made him a definite contender for Dick of the Day. Staines just needed to hold out for the last ten minutes to ensure victory and all seemed to being going well until Larry decided to launch his campaign for Dick of the Day. A horrendous pass across his own 25 fell to the opposition, who kindly accepted his gift and scored, leaving the game delicately poised with five minutes remaining. It is amazing how quickly people forgot all the good things Larry did throughout the game, but deep down he was pleased with his overall performance and gladly accepted all Dick of the Day nominations with his head held high.

The Blues then dealt the final blow. In the final seconds of the game a short corner was awarded, and the final whistle blown. Everybody was now circled around the top of the D, the ball was slipped to Larry, who rolled the ball towards the keeper who was unable to clear convincingly and Stuka (A.K.A the animal) drove the ball home. The celebrations began as we all started hugging each other like footballers. Gore Court were gutted, and most did not stay around for the handshakes - Let 's hope this winning streak continues!!!

Mens 2nd XI

"Hall emerges from Sin-Bin to snatch victory for the Blues"

After a lengthy period in the Sin-Bin for a rather ugly tackle, James Hall re-entered the fray and was on hand to skilfully deflect a short corner strike into the goal. Before we had finished our celebrations, the final whistle sounded meaning that we had won with the last touch of the game - an absolute delight!

It was a close fought match. After dominating but not scoring during the first 15 minutes, Staines took their foot off the pedal and a strong, third placed Mill Hill team were allowed back into the game. Ironically, as it turned out, they scored the first goal of the game from the very last touch of the ball in the first half. Veteran Paul Dunne, standing-in for the indisposed James Gilchrist, loudly advised the team that there were only 30 seconds to go until half-time. Captain Clive promptly provided the proverbial "hospital pass" - possession was lost and we were 1 - 0 down at the break.

The ageing but experienced Short Corner Crack Squad drew things level soon into the second half with an accurate injection at pace from Crowe, a clean stop and roll from Greenway and a near perfect strike from Oliver.

The hidden jewel of the third team in the shape of John "Tubbs" Duffield made an impressive debut and took the man-of-the-match honours. A much improved performance from Andy Nelhams was put in the shade as he played the entire match wearing a ridiculous pair of sun glassed which resulted in him being voted "The Weakest Link" for the third consecutive match.

Andrew Oliver

Mens 3rd XI

Staines Men's 3's - Match Report 13 January 2001. V. City of Portsmouth 4.

It's a long way to go for a game of Hockey, to Portsmouth. At least the weather was good and the venue was easy to find - a large Navy base called HMS Excellence. The armed guards on the gate let us in, Andy T was hoping to get a strip search off a Wren - no such luck. Alpesh admired the weapons, probably from a batch he had sold recently. Our Left Backs smart shorts inexplicably drew comments in the changing room, well at least they are not too tight (Mr Lazlo), nor are they so thread bare as to leave one arse cheek exposed (Mr Hudson).

The game started well for us, although it soon became clear that Portsmouth were equally determined to get points as we were. Staines controlled the game well for the first 15 minutes but we did not create any real scoring opportunities. Slowly Portsmouth got their act together, along with some outrageous gamesmanship from 2 or 3 of their players, managed to eclipse our efforts. Also their umpire appeared to be paralysed down one side, apparently unable to give a single decision in Staines favour, amazing! (Even more amazing, his affliction switched to the other arm at half time, bizarre !) By the end of the half there were no goals but Portsmouth were winning the short corner rate by 6 - 0.

The second half carried on in the same vein, going at each other with all the subtlety of two navvies bashing each other over the head with shovels. Our Defence was on form, back to its bastion like best, denying Portsmouth any attempt on goal and smothering any short corners. This game was certainly very physical and with both sides fully committed, charging at each other like rutting stags, something was going to break sooner or later. Unfortunately it was the stick of their Fat Bloke No. 14, chopped vigorously in half by Uncle Fester within our D, whilst their chap was in the middle of a dainty canter along our back line. P-Flick rightly awarded and Portsmouth scored, this being the only time they got the ball on target the whole game.

Staines continued to press forward for the equaliser but to no avail. Gizz was sent tumbling by a savage bit of argie-bargie, Fozbury flopping onto the astro leaking copious amounts of claret. Eventually in the dying seconds we were awarded our first short corner of the game. It was well executed but Sid's shot was blocked, thankfully Portsmouth fouled up the clearance and we had a second short with the final whistle blown. Again the set-up went well but Alpo's hurried shot was covered and cleared as far as Rowley whose attempt was padded away from the near post. Game over. Lost 1-0. ARSE.

Hero of the Day - Gizz, he bleeds for Staines.
Donkey's Crevice - Sid, he's a lumberjack but he's OK.

Vince Rowley.

Mens 4th XI

Staines 4th XI v Old Merchant Tailors (OMT) 3rd XI

Location: Cranford Result : WON 3-2

Heroes: Chris Hine - his best game for the 4's, and Dave Craig for filling in between the sticks after both Alex and Pete pulled out, and to everyone on the team for keeping going for the full 70 mins, Tufty for coming to watch, Aidan for being spare man, Keith for all round everything.

Zeros: Dave Craig for the 1st goal and his spat with their lanky bloke

Before the game we reminisced about the 6-0 drubbing we took in the reverse fixture earlier in the season. Since then there have been several changes in personnel and with a surplus of players available this week (!!!!!!!!) we felt confident that we could get back on the winning trail.

Unfortunately we were half asleep at the start and somehow after a minute we found ourselves a goal down. Sloppy defending down the left led to OMT's having a feeble shot at goal - which David made a pig's ear of and somehow let it slide in. In his defence he has only played one game in goal this season and that was for the 5's.

The rest of the first half was almost totally one-way traffic towards the OMT goalmouth. It wasn't long before the pressure became so intense that a short corner came our way. Time to unwrap our newly formed short corner tactics - formulated in Thursday Siberain gale at training in response to last weeks pathetic no goals from not far short of 20 corners.

The first led to a good save by the keeper. Minutes later saw a defender hook the ball over his own bar from a yard out from another shot from Mike. And so it continued with more are more pressure ... Martin had a shot cleared off the line by what looked like at least half a hand ... more short corners and a goal looked more and more likely. Incredibly the half time whistle went with us trailing 0-1.

The second half saw some fantastic one touch hockey from Staines which almost brought us level but the keeper made some brave saves ... notably from one move that was started in defence - went across to the left - across the midfield to the right - back across to Danny on the left wing who 1st timed a ball to Martin as he sped into the D only to be smothered by the keepers quick run from his line. Then as sure as eggs is eggs OMT's persistent endeavour almost took them two goals clear as their lanky bloke strode forward from halfway only to be denied by a fantastic slide by Dave in goal.

Then halfway through the half we finally equalised when Chris converted yet another chance - sorry guys but we had so many attacks I cannot remember how this one came about - all I can remember was the elation and the desire of everyone to take the lead. Everyone was playing really well, Simon pivoting the midfield, Gordon spraying cross-field passes to Martin on the right, Chris and Danny taking up dangerous positions on the wings, Matty charging through into the midfield to break up several promising breaks by the oppo, and Keith, Chris, and Mike holding the backline high.

Then OMT's used their pace to storm forward and when it looked like a goal was imminent Simon appeared to hook the ball away for a long corner. Dave and lanky bloke then decided to have some handbags and whilst the umpires deliberated Simon and Danny gave us a team talk - the gist was "let's stop playing like we're a goal down - keep it simple and the pressure will pay off". Shows what they know eh - as the ball is worked into the "D" from the long awaited long corner their forward used the long handle to lift the ball over Dave - despair .... 2-1 down. It was like Groundhog Day all over ... that furry little animal kept coming out of his burrow and whispering "Staines will dominate the game but chuck it away and lose" ... same as last week ...

With Tufty and Aidan cheering us on we stormed forward looking for some reward. And it duly came with less than ten minutes to go when after Chris stormed down the right - his cross went right across to Danny on the left wing who stormed past his man to the goal line - and after a scramble the ball reached Keith ( in the new position of Sweeper-Inside Right ) who banged it home. And then the coup de resistance - Chris once again skinned his man and powered the ball into the D where Ada finished with aplomb ... 3-2 !!!!!

Boy does reversing a 0-6 hammering feel good. Next week we go on the road to Henley with more spring in our step. If only we can just cut out a few of the mistakes and take the rough edges off our short corners and attack - and we would be a match for anyone in this league.

Martin Jackson

Mens 5th XI

Sat 13th January 2001: Staines 5s V Richmond.

Lost 1 - 2

The game started off with the opposition putting us under pressure, the result of all this pressure was us being 1 - 0 down. Shortly after the result Aidan slipped the ball under their keeper for the equaliser. From this point on Richmond were again on constant attack until the half time whistle.

The second halt started the same as the first did with Richmond on the attack. However each side chances that were not taken, until Richmond managed to put one in the back of the net to make it 2 - 1. In the dying minutes they did not ease up their attack. Luckly for us the whistle went without any further goals.

Man of the Match - Aidan Horner.

By Phil Whitington

Mens Centurions

No report submitted.

Ladies 1st XI

No report submitted.

Ladies 2nd XI

No report submitted.

Ladies 3rd XI

Staines 2 - West Hampstead 2

Well Staines Ladies seem to like it from behind, because at half time we were once again 2 nil down. After a few valid suggestions at half time we decided that we would let Nicki and Abby (GK) have some company in the defence and this stopped the over crowding that was happening on the other side of half way line. Only one slight problem! the mid field now had to start running around. However, it seemed to do the trick and after the first 10 minutes Linda scored with a cross from Kathy, who then went on to score her own goal to make it 2 all. Staines continued the pressure but with 2 minutes to go Janet's goal was disallowed for being just outside the D. The jury is still out on the case but as the umpire was David Howell we are inclined to go along with his verdict.

Ladies 4th XI

No report submitted.