Match Reports For Week 24 Sat. 10th Feb. Season 2000 - 2001

Mens 1st XI

Staines 5 Old Kingstonians 1

Back to winning ways after the disappointment of last week, and a welcome return to the fast attractive hockey we became accustomed to before Christmas. The whole build up to the game was indeed frantic. After arriving later than expected before the match our preparation was rather hurried, and it was not long before the veins on Stuart's neck started to pop up as once again his short temper was there for everyone to see. Liam didn't seem to mind though; he was on Cloud 9 after some rare action with a female the night before.

The game itself started well with Staines dominating from the opening whistle, but tragedy was soon to strike. Duncan, our agile right back pulled up lame with a supposed hamstring injury. We were all really gutted about this potentially moral destroying blow but then realised the team had strengthened with his departure. As for the nature of Duncan's injury, it became apparent later that evening it was not too serious. The injury had miraculously cleared up and he seemed to have no problems at all throwing himself around the dance floor and chasing any lady that was unlucky enough to cross his path.

Goals from Mashood (2), Stuart (1), Liam (1) and JD (1) put the game out of reach, and the scoreline should have been more if not for a rather slack performance in the second half. Squeaky played like a man possessed as our own answer to the Duracel bunny ran the opposition ragged for the full 70 minutes, scoring twice in the process. Stuart finished off one of the best goals of the season after some superb hockey that saw most of the team involved in the build up. Liam's goal was consolation for a performance that reflected just how badly co-ordinated a human can be, with arms and legs waving in all directions at times it seemed possible that take off over the perimeter fence was a possibility. JD was full of running all game, however with only five minutes remaining, the verbal abuse started. The dark side to Dodwell that had lain dormant for so long returned with vengeance. The umpires considered stopping the game as his toys began to clutter the playing surface. Innocent little Watson was on the receiving end of this onslaught and calm was only restored when JD took it upon himself to gather his items (primarily an extremely large handbag) and leave.

Next week we have Anchorians, who hopefully will return the 50 training balls we left at their ground earlier in the season, until the next time.

Mens 2nd XI

"Depleted Staines settle for a point" Staines 0 Marlow 0

Last Thursday after training, Clive and Olly enthused about the prospect fielding the strongest team of the season so far. By Saturday morning our plans were shattered as we were left scrabbling around for players after not one…. not two… but three players cried-off at the last minute. Servais, Greenway and Croft were the victims of Flu, sickness and injury respectively. Having managed to recruit the young Colt "Phil" as one of the replacements, Lady-Luck deserted us again when he limped off injured just before half time, effectively leaving us with only 10 men for the entire second half.

As the score suggests, the match was largely uneventful although there was a penalty miss from Marlow and two good scoring chances squandered first by Andy Oliver and then James Hall, both resulting from surging runs down the right wing from our left back, Dave Woollatt.

For some reason, Rod went off in a sulk again (yawn) while the Man-of-the-Match was John Duffield after another committed performance in the centre of the park. The Weakest Link was Andy Oliver after a below-par performance and pirouetting too much at the top of the 'diamond' formation.

Andrew Oliver

Mens 3rd XI

Staines Men’s 3’s - Match Report 10 February 2001. V. Richmond 3.

This week Staines 3’s were drawn against Richmond, the unbeaten division leaders who had only conceded 8 goals to date and scored 76 ! A formidable task was ahead of us.

In the changing rooms before the game, suddenly there was a drum role accompanied by a fanfare of trumpets as Andy Taylor’s lucky green pants emerged out of retirement. Like for the holy grail, the team lowered their collective gaze in humble homage as the Pink fellow struggled into them. Until, there he stood in green clad glory, with his meat and two veg dangling from a variety of threadbare holes. Today had to be Staines day.

Richmond attacked with vigour but Staines held them off and retaliated with dangerous breaks of our own. Then tragedy struck 15 minutes in when an innocuous foul (if indeed one was made) resulted in a Richmond short. This they efficiently scored from and followed up 5 minutes later with a second scoring short corner, 0-2 down. But Staines did not let their heads drop and sticking in the boot, stick and shoulder – rallied to the flag of the lucky green pants and pressed on regardless.

Just before half time Staines managed to win a short after concerted pressure on Richmond’s, tight as a Sharks arse at 50 fathoms, defence. The specialist team of Rowley, Rengger, O’Brien operated to deliver the perfect slipped ball to Porno King Hudson, who struck well to score. Hallowed be the lucky green pants.

For the first 10 minutes of the second half, we was all over them ! Tenacious defending, aggressive midfield and incisive attacking. Then Richmond recovered their composure and put us under the cosh, chucking everything at us including the kitchen sink and a small tantrum by their number 7 (didn’t like getting elbowed in the ribs apparently). Desperate measures were needed now, we were barely getting out of our own 25. With a quick rub of the lucky green pants, which Andy enjoyed far too much, Staines charged forward and even managed to bring the ball with them. Deano shelled a ball into the Richmond D which after a couple of deflections and a bit of confusion ended up in their net – Porno King claimed it, 2-2.

The last 5 minutes saw Richmond again on the offensive but wary of Staines retaliatory probes, so a 2-2 result that felt like a 5-0 win for Staines. Richmond have still only conceded 10 goals all season but Staines 3’s can be rightly proud to have got three of that total. Hail to the lucky green pants for they should be enshrined in a glass case and mounted on the wall of the Club bar.

Hero of the Day – Sanatogen Man Murphy for marshalling the defence and some excellent tackling.

Donkeys Smelly Bits – Shock, Horror ! surely not ! – Andy Taylor, for not wearing the lucky green pants from the start of this season. (The vote was rigged – but hey! Thats life.)

Vince Rowley.

Mens 4th XI

Staines 4th XI v Banbury 3rd XI

Heroes : Martin for scoring again ... and everyone for keeping their cool under provocation Zeros : Ye Old Umpire of Banbury (more of him later !!!), and the "Banbury Flyer" who was always moaning after every decision - even those he won >> which led to Martin's comment "oy matey - if you keep flapping your arms about like that you'll take off"

As usual after a stirring 4th XI win last week our cause was undermined yet again as we had five regulars missing. Both sides had similar records going into Saturday's game with Staines 3pts clear of their opponents. A quick look at the results this season show that both sides are good at scoring goals, but also good (or bad ??) at letting them in.

The game started with the slick passing style and pace of Banbury's attacks exposing our re-shaped midfield and defence. It was no suprise when a fast run down the right wing saw Banbury take a deserved lead after about ten minutes. The rest of the half was a fantastic end to end duel with Ben making his mark felt down the left wing with some great running, and the midfield battling it out with gusto. We started to put their creaking defence under pressure and won a short corner. Keith stopped it smashed it and the keeper saved, only for Martin to sweep the rebound into the corner. It was then that the Banbury umpire ruled it out saying the ball was travelling. Reports in this morning's paper refute this with emminent scientist Stephen Hawking commenting that at 11:23 on Saturday the whole universe appeared to be rotating around a stationary white planet in the vicinity of Cranford. An emergency symposium has been called to discuss Hawking's revelation - but I don't suppose its final report will be read in Banbury!

More attacking and this time after a great link up down the right wing between Chris and Ben saw the latter shell the ball low to the near post where Martin ghosted in to flick the ball past the keeper and just inside the post, and this time it was 1-1.

Both sides were going hammer and tongs for the lead ... and it was Banbury who got the rub of the green when their forward lofted the ball into the D hitting Frank on the knee (but on the blind side of Jon Hardman) and the ball ran free for them to score. Half-time 1-2.

[ Censored - this paragraph was removed on account that it was too accurate to be published - but for those in the know it explained why an umpire might have to shake sand from their ear at regular intervals ]

Throughout the 2nd half we were frustrated time again as key decisions went against us. Still we worked tirelessly back but even clean tackles seemed to be greeted with another Banbury hit. For example Chris worked back and held his stick out to block a cross from the right wing - the Banbury player missed the ball and hit Chris's stick - short corner - and this all happened out near the touchline !

Di and the kids arrived to watch Frank play hockey for the first time, and were soon chatting to him through the netting after the umpire deemed that Frank had deliberately kicked the ball away. So Frank who has never been carded in 19 years of hockey was off barely 3 minutes after his family arrived to watch him !! Now that is just not funny.

With the game now feeling like 12 v 10 it was no surprise to us when the game finally fell Banbury's way. A red-shirted player was hobbling around after the ball struck his foot, play went on until Banbury were awarded a hit just inside the 25 ( a strange interpretation of advantage!). A quick shell onto the penalty spot and a fine deflection by the Banbury winger ( or should that whinger !!), 1-3.

The game now fizzled out as decisions continued to go against the men in blue, until shortly before the end there was a loud ironic cheer and applause as we were eventually awarded a hit.

With most of the 1st choice squad returning for the rest of the season we are aiming to upset the apple cart at the top of the division, as we take on Mill Hill, High Wycombe, Milton Keynes and Boyne Hill who after the weekend are lying 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th; but with news of Henley's astonishing 8-3 win at High Wycombe coming through next week's local derby against Hayes takes on even more importance! We need to win to keep ourselves clear of the drop zone.

Martin Jackson

Mens 5th XI

No report submitted.

Mens Centurions

No report submitted.

Ladies 1st XI

Staines Ladies 1st X1 4 Chiswick Polytechnic 0

A win for Staines Ladies on Saturday meant winning the Middlesex Premier League for the first time in the history of the club. And they did just that. With a tough game against opposition Chiswick Polytechnic Staines went in hard from the start. A more positive first half gave Staines a 1-0 lead with a goal from Melanie Attfield her 11th of the season. A few other chances went astray and the half time talk boosted Staines for the second half. Staines went on to score another 3 goals from Jo Strudley who returned from injury to play for 20 minutes, Kerry Maskery and Louise Delaney. Once again the overall strength and determination of the team provided Staines with the win, their 10th in the league this season out of 12 games played and making them unbeatable by all other teams in the league and still with 2 league games to play.

Ladies 2nd XI

Barclays 1 - Staines 4

It was another late start for us in North London on Saturday, and we started the game (and finished it) to the sounds of a bagpipe band who played incessantly throughout the match with good old tunes, such as "She'll be coming down the mountain". We started off brilliantly with the opposition unable to clear the ball out of their half and within the first 15 minutes, we went 1-0 after a goal from Juliet. This pitch is notorious for injuries for our team, and it wasn't long before Ali took the full brunt of a fast moving ball on her hand, but played on gallantly! Just after the start of the second half, Barclays pulled one back straight away to shock us all, but this got us fired up again and it wasn't long before Clare Holloway scored after nearly knocking the goalie out in the first half! We then went 3-1 up after Juliet with one of her "vibes" asked Fisher to take the short corner from the other side to put the third goal home. Sarah Chandler then completed the game nicely by scoring one of her usual crackers just inside the D! Thanks has to go to Swaney who cheered us on in the pouring rain! Our next league game is on 3rd March against Ashford where we will be playing for a promotion spot, so all support will be appreciated!!!!

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 3XI 2 V Polytechnic Ladies III 0

Yet again there were quiet a few changes to the side and the first 10 minutes were somewhat eventful. However the team then settled down and Staines would not let the ball near their defence. With less than 5 minutes to half time our own South African Ingrid scored her first cracking goal to Staines. In her defence she is a lot tamer than Rod Crowe but there again she is yet to show her true self on tour! Anyway back to the game.

In the second half we were still as positive but having a few problems sorting out a new short corner routine mainly because the 3 usual players were all absent. Well it eventually worked, Alison pushed it out to Linda who stopped and slipped it to Janet who buried it in the back of the net. Poly came back fighting but despite their effort we managed to hold the score to 2:0.

Player of the match was Ingrid, and to avoid promotion prospect has now gone on holiday. We hope to welcome back Kathy next week who suffered a knee injury last week dancing at Kerry's party and Nicki who had been out on the P--- the night before. Thanks for Clare Waterfield for stepping in at the last minute to insure we had at least 12 players and oh yes Leigh what can we say!!!

Ladies 4th XI

Staines Ladies 3 Byfleet 0

Well the keen youngsters, not put off by the weather started off enthusiastic by putting out the nets and post on the Vets pitch. Despite our plea's the Vets would not reciprocate! We started of with only having 10 player half of which were the 3's from earlier but we had allot of the play and by half time we were 2 nil up with goals from Fay on the left wing and Linda. As the 11th player had still not turned up by half time, Kate kindly offered to help out, despite having watched the whole of the first half she had been unaware that we were a player short!

Anyway now we had 11 players things got even better, Alison made a great run down the whole of the pitch and passed unselfish to across the D to give Fay another goal. Unlike Linda who ran down the pitch to an open goal and made an absolute Horlick of it not knowing whether to hit it or pass it and then topped it. Apologies to Jo Strudley (Umpire) who was laughing so much split her beer.

Final score 3 Nil keeping the Ladies section all winners this week.

On a lighter note congratulations to the Ladies 1XI for their win of the league from the Ladies 3's and 4's