Week 26

Match Reports For Week 26 Sat. 24th Feb. Season 2000 - 2001

Mens 1st XI

No report submitted.

Mens 2nd XI

"Roofer from Hall seals the points for Staines" Staines 4 - 3 Banbury

Mid-way through the second half of this pulsating contest, Man-of-the-match, James Hall increased the Staines lead to 4-1 with a screamer from the edge of the D into the roof of the net. Despite then conceding two late goals and missing a penalty stroke, Staines hung on for the three points.

Andy Oliver returned from his self-imposed exile to captain the side with Clive having been called up to the first team. Apart from making a few rather wayward passes and for being seen in the opposition's D rather more often than a Sweeper should be, Mr Oliver confirmed himself as winner of the Weakest Link Award by pushing a late penalty stroke wide of the goal.

Andy Nelhams produced another excellent performance at the back, snubbing out much of the threat imposed by the whining Banbury Centre Forward.

Staines had gone ahead early and although Banbury quickly equalised after some sloppy defending, Staines regained the lead just before half time. John Duffield fed Andy Oliver who produced a trademark cross which was typically and confidently slotted in at the far post by Roger Greenway.

Staines added to their lead early in the second half as Rodney Crowe scored a rare goal after a Short Corner move. Rod's stick and the keeper's stick were locked onto the ball for it seemed like an age - but the old experienced head won the day as his third attempted flick towards goal finally found its target.

The Banbury keeper who had previously foiled several Staines attacks with his charges to the top of the D, paid the price as he miss-timed his run and kicked one of our forwards high into the air. With 10 minutes to go with the score at 4-3 to Staines the miss from the spot made what should what should have been a comfortable finish a rather nervy one.

Andrew Oliver

Mens 3rd XI

Staines Men’s 3’s - Match Report 24 February 2001. Versus: Canterbury.

It’s make or break time, if we won this game we would still have feasible prospects of staying up, if we lost then the chances of escaping relegation would become extremely slim. Immensely skilful navigation by our highly organised Left Back saw the team arrive safely and in good time for the game at Canterbury’s Hockey Centre of Excellence (well, that’s what they claim on their Web site). Canterbury have a brand spanking new water based Astro which looks fantastic. But those rough boys from Staines were not allowed near it, we were told to go and play on the old sand based pitch.

Canterbury at home were reputed to be a much stronger team than when they travel and this was soon confirmed as each side set out their stalls in the first half. Unfortunately our stall was based on a rickety old pasting table with a leaky awning whilst their stall was built of sturdy oak and had a built in BBQ. It soon became apparent that the minor injury that Porno King Hudson was carrying was actually a lot more serious, mobility not being high on the agenda. Then Uncle Fester tripped over a stick, or was it those great flippers he calls feet, collapsing to the floor with a cacophony of noise like a horse shitting on a Drum Kit. He ended up limping bravely through the rest of the game. We had to put Sid up front and bring Mart the Tart back into Midfield. At half time we were only 0-1 down.

Not long into the second half we were 0-3 down and then managed to pull one back from a short corner from which a shooting chance was created and Uncle Fester finished well despite being wounded. Some while later a small contretemps between Sid and Deano developed on the Canterbury 25 line, whilst this was going on Canterbury took a very quick free hit and charged our defence in overwhelming numbers. King Canute Murphy was washed away, Gizz had his legs tied in knots, our Left Back already had his pockets full of attackers and could not take on any more, the Fat Bloke at the Back was bypassed by an outrageous piece of skill and they scored again. Final score a 5-1 defeat, enough said.

A night out in Canterbury had been arranged. After a few beers at the Canterbury club we started to cheer up and look forward to the evening’s entertainment. A highly competitive drinking session (the coin game) was first on the agenda. Deano “Weights and Measures” O’Brien and Sidney “Fines Chairman” Patel officiated. This was quickly followed by the Barf Olympics. Silver went to Sponging Student Lees-Low who skilfully wet belched into a pint glass without spilling a drop (who said a University education was wasted!) and then spectacularly chundered a good quart neatly placing in a handy gutter outside the pub. Gold had to go to Richard Hudson the old porno king bided his time, politely waited until Mark had finished, and then exhibited a marvellously co-ordinated display of walking and chucking at the same time (for those interested in the technical details it was a precise rate of one Ralph for every three steps and a total of 4 wet Ralph’s finishing with a small damp Hughie). And this was all before 8 o’clock in the evening !

Eventually we found ourselves in a strange Noodle/Chinese type restaurant where more beer figured on the agenda again, along with a small amount of food. A wet trouser competition developed in the toilets followed by another pub, more beer, and bottles of horrible, sweet and sickly tasting drinks that Uncle Fester insisted on ordering. We made loads of friends, including the nice girlfriend of a really big bloke, she seemed to like Hockey players A LOT. Fortunately he seemed too pissed to notice. Although accommodation had been strategically arranged for ease of access to the town and easy to find being right next door to the rather obvious Cathedral, this did not stop several team members struggling to find it in the early hours after exiting the closing night club.

Final Awards:-

Hero of the Day – This week saw three contenders for the award – Rowley, Rengger and Ezzard, with Mart the Tart getting the final nod.

Donkey’s Arse – Captain Collapse and Damaged Goods Hudson were looking favourites but the title went to Rob ‘the Housewives favourite’ Godfrey, who in a fit of depression even voted for himself.

Vince Rowley.

Mens 4th XI

Staines 4th XI v Milton Keynes 5th XI
Venue : Cranford
Date : 24-Feb-2001
Result : WON 5-1 !!!

Heros : Gordon the hatrick hero, Martin for playing Gordon centre forward, Mike for his work rate, and everyone else on the team. Edward for his firm but fair umpiring - no Yellow Belly award for him.

Zeros : MK's who only brought 4 white shirts with them ... but there again they kept passing to us and we didn't pass to them so who cares !!

The future is bright, the future is orange. Oh not it isn't, its blue as it now looks as though in this transitional season we are safe from the drop - the Henley website says they lost 0-1 to Newbury !!!

With the 4th XI nearing full availability this week hopes were high that we could complete the double over Milton Keynes who had the chance to get into the second promotion spot had they won, but we were still wary of that last relegation spot (4 pts from 4 games were required at start of play).

Since Xmas we have been strengthened by Simon's return from his broken leg, which through a brilliant bit of captaincy and coaching, has meant that we have been able to free up Gordon to play centre forward whenever we have a full midfield. In those 4 games that's now 7 goals for Gordon !!

With Nick returning early from his back-packing, and Danny nipping out in his lunch break we had one of our strongest line-ups this season. And so it proved after just 1min 42 secs when slick interpassing down the left saw Danny feed Gordon who beat the keeper to the ball to slip it through his legs and into the goal. Boosted by this early strike we rampaged forward with the some fine passing and running - for example from an MK attack Martin won the ball in our D, and slipped it to Ben (playing right back) who stormed down the wing into their 25 shelled it across and we were denied a goal only by an infringement resulting in a short corner.

With less than 15 mins gone it was 2-0 as Danny rifled in a shot. It was 3-0 from a short corner - Keith's shot was blocked, and Martin passed the rebound to Gordon standing a foot out on the near post. This all seemed too easy. The midfield and attack were linking up - running into space and working back, Matty was supporting from the defence and passing superbly through to the attackers, and it was too much for MK's to cope with. Fat Aggassi had no options as his piledriver 16's were picked off like cherries from a cake, and the MK forwards were venting their spleen as usual ( well they would only be happy if they were 10-0 up - well maybe not ).

Before half-time another rebound off the keeper and this time Martin's attempt bounced off the keeper to Ben who's reverse stick pass into the corner was sublime - especially as he was running back thinking it had gone wide for a 16 !! 4-0. Another sharp break saw the ball break for Martin who flicked the ball away from the keeper's dive towards the far corner - but then the keeper somehow flicked his big toe up and just got enough to send the ball just wide of the post - one of the best saves I've seen this year. Rats !

As Simon said this was the sexiest game he had ever played in - although the MK's "Porn Star" didn't seem to be able to perform. It was Staines who were wearing the moustaches, speaking in funny German accents and hearing seventies music. We new MK's would "come out hard" in the second half, but with Alex "standing firm" and Frank "so close he was inside the centre-forward's shorts" we resisted their forward thrusts.

MK's threw an extra man forward and added that elusive componenent missing from their abject first half - namely movement off the ball. There were no clear cut chances as the defence shackled their men - but then they had a run of about 6 or 7 short corner in succession - all brilliantly blocked or saved by Alex - which ended after MK's shot dangerously after the whistle yet again.

With MK's rushing forward there were some big gaps at the back ... and Ben put one just wide from near the penalty spot. Gordon then showed him how to do it with a tenacious run from the left and a cool finish. The rest of the game saw MK's finally power a short corner inside the post, but also saw Chris show some fine skills on the right wing, Nick charging forward from right back ( he did say his fitness was shot - but its all relative guys), and Mike was all over the place like the Duracell bunny - and he wasn't happy even at 5-1. There was still time for a few spats as players fell to the ground and the keeper foolishly tried to take on Gordon - but it was all handbags at five paces stuff ... ie. no Paramedics were required.

As this is the 4th XI we lose several key players for next week's game away to Mill Hill - who were level with MK's on points before today. Ah well, it just goes to show that with a bit more continuity and a couple of new players that promotion has got to be the target for next season - now that would be a
good way to celebrate the Astro being laid wouldn't it !!!