Week 30

Match Reports For Week 30 Sat. 24th Mar. Season 2000 - 2001

Mens 1st XI

No report submitted.

Mens 2nd XI

No report submitted.

Mens 3rd XI

Staines Men’s 3’s - Match Report - 24 March 2001. Versus: Oxford Hawks.

It was quite clear what we had to do today. A win would guarantee safety. Anything else and we would be relying on Surbiton having a major cock up against High Wycombe.

Unfortunately Oxford Hawks did not want to comply with our aims, in fact they are another of those clubs that do not travel well yet have remarkably strong resources at home. We went equipped with a best available squad that included James Hall, Dave Bobblehat and the return of John Duffield. Also, brought out of his retirement home at Worcester, appearing for one game only, the pink chap himself – “Fatboy” Taylor.

We arrived at Oxford at just after one o’clock in good time for a warm up and the two o’clock start. But wait, Uncle Fester, our esteemed skipper, is looking sheepish – he has just received a call on his mobile from the oppo’s captain. Somewhat on the lines of “Where the f##k are you ?” – “Errr, we’ve just turned into your car park” – “Oh good the game was supposed to start five minutes ago!”. Sid’s brilliant sense of timing has plumbed new depths. With little time to warm up and get used to the strange bouncy astro we were obliged to get cracking with the game.

We attacked bravely, they counter attacked speedily. We defended resolutely, they defended with equal vigour. We created numerous early chances but missed the lot, they created two good opportunities and scored from both. Our short corner routines were mostly poor (except for one effort in the second half when Sid almost managed to finish but for an excellent block by their keeper), fortunately the Staines Bastions deflected safely all OH’s shorts. By the end of the first half we had let another goal in and our keeper, The Housewives Favourite was beginning to get a back strain.

In the second half Staines continued to press the attack – we had no choice. Unfortunately Porno King Hudson was having a mare, he couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo today. A glimmer of hope came when the veteran Dave Wobblehat managed to prance round a couple of desperate OH tackles and forced the ball home for 3-1. Unfortunately OH regained their margin with another attack straight out of the greased whippet book of tactics. Again, we fought back and Dave Woolycat nipped the ball into the net for a consolation goal, result a 4-2 loss.

Every single Staines player had sweated his guts out to get a result today, but guts is not enough. Sometimes we were not fast enough, sometimes we were not skilful enough. Today we just were not good enough. Some long faces after the game, Gizz was depressed, I had to take his pistol off him and hide the ammunition.

Surbiton play High Wycombe next week. COME ON YOU WYCOMBE !

Last awards of this years league season are:-

Hero of the Day – John “Twang” Duffield the midfield dynamo.

Donkey’s ARSE – It could have been a landslide vote due to his bizarre sense of timing, but due to the “Porno Kings” turgid performance, Uncle Fester got the white shirt by just one clear point in the end.

Vince Rowley.

Mens 4th XI

Mill Hill 4th XI v Staines 4th XI
Date : 24-Mar-2001
Venue : Whitefield School
Result : Drew 2-2

Scorers : Gordon Scott 2

Despite our protests about the state of the pitch that Mill Hill had provided a few weeks ago, we were ordered to trek back to North London to face them again. No surprises then that several regulars were missing from our squad, and so were some of the usual cover players as well.

As the game started it was noticable that the Mill Hill team were substantially stronger than the last meeting, and there were mutterings amongst our ranks as their sweeper launched several mortar bomb aerials down the pitch. The sight of a ball flying 50 yds through the air straight into the path of the winger is a rare site at any level, but at 4th XI you're more likely to be hit by a piece of falling Russian space station. After seeing half a dozen in the first half alone, our eyebrows were raised so far that we began to look like a troop of ageing Hollywood actresses. Then disaster struck, we started playing like them as well. One-nil down to a short corner, an almost identical move and it was almost two, and then another identical move and this time it was two-nil.

In true Victorian spirit "we were not amused", but through grit and determination we slowly worked our way back into the game. A couple of fast breaks saw us go close, and then we started to get a few short corners as the pressure built on the home goal. On the stroke of half-time we were awarded one last short corner which after a switch to Mike was flicked in at the post by Gordon. Half-time 1-2.

During the interval we exchanged pleasantries and discussed the finer points of organised team hockey, and after some kind words from Keith we set out our stall for the second half.

After the interval we looked much more of a team as Vikash started to look more comfortable at right back, John Wareham showed much more strength on the ball, and Chris started to weave his magic down the wing. As the half wore on Keith, Matty and Frank pressed further up the pitch to support the midfield who in turn pushed forward to support the attack. After one break Martin slipped the ball to John Wareham who's shot just went wide. Shortly after he had another shot smothered by the keeper. In one move Chris waltzed past five players and was stopped illegally - short corner. After a couple of switches the ball fell to Martin but he keeper raced out to smother the shot.

Of course having thrown so many forward we were almost caught on the break - but Alex stood firm in goal to touch away one goalbound effort, and then after he was beaten Frank cleared the ball off the line after a melee that wouldn't have looked out of place in the Brent Cross Woodchopper's Convention. With Vikash and Frank also getting vital touches to crosses we held them out.

Mill Hill were tiring now and wave after wave of attacks rained down on the home goal. A goal looked imminent when Gordon fed Chris inside the D, but wait a minute it wasn't Chris calling for the ball, it was Edward - and it was a perfect pass too !!! The Mil Hill rearguard were not at all happy about the work rate of the their midfield and started complaining about everything - even the blatant short corners they were forced into giving away. With ten minutes to go and Gordon's fan club cheering us on, Keith hammered the ball to Gordon who flicked it home again for 2-2.

We almost forced a winner but can take heart from the way in which we came back from 0-2 down. Interestingly this was our fifth consecutive away game without defeat, a run that stretches back to the 6-Jan against Amersham - a game that we should have won, and would have if we had our new short corner routine back then.

So the League season is over and we finished comfortably in mid-table on 29 pts, only 8pts behind 3rd place, and 12pts clear of relegation. A fantastic achievement by everyone playing 4th XI this season, especially as over half the side were playing 5th XI hockey last season. With the new astro ready for June we are hoping to benefit from an influx of players at all levels of the club - which would give us the required strength in depth to mount a serious promotion challenge next season.

Now we have a few weeks of fun hockey without the pressure of the league - lets get on down and enjoy the freedom, and add some more goals to the list below ...

Top scorers during the League season

Gordon Scott = 10 (+2 more in the postponed Mill Hill game)
Aiden Horner = 5
Ada Petch, Martin Jackson, Chris Hine = 4
Keith Hine = 3