Match Reports For Week 7 Saturday 13th October Season 2001 - 2002

Mens 1st XI

Staines 2 Tulse Hill 0

Blue skies and warm weather were to provide a refreshing change to the wet, miserable and cold conditions teams usually are accustomed to this time of year. In deed if a deodorant company were to run a field study on the effectiveness of their products, Saturday should have been the day to do so, with 100% moisture levels being reported from most jock straps all over the park.

After last weeks disappointing first ten minutes, it was essential that Saturday's game started in more of a convincing fashion. Although it was by no means one way traffic, Staines were quick to take control of the match and spent the majority of the first half camped in opposition territory. It was not long before the deadlock was broken, thanks to a delicate deflection by our delicate centre half, 'Brittle Boned' Hughes. Staines continued to press and were unlucky to only go in one goal up at half time, however, Tulse Hill looked rattled and the crowd were eager for more goals in the second half.

Staines were not to disappoint and were soon to add to their total after the break. A Tulse Hill attack was broken down just outside our D; the ball was transferred quickly to Beakerchop, who laid the ball off to Larry who gallivanted up field. On crossing the opposition 25, and wheezing rather heavily, Larry was looking for support. In the corner of his eye he saw a massive dark area at the top of the D. It appeared that the angle of the sun combined with Beakerchop's sizeable nose had created some sought of sundial affect, casting a shadow over the playing surface that was to draw his attention in field. The ball was subsequently presented on a silver platter for the skipper to convert, 2 - 0.

It would be nice to say that the Blues then took control of the game, but Tulse Hill were always in contention. Some great defending all round in particular from Fu Mar (Man of the Match) helped nullify all attacks. In their search for a goal, Tulse Hill were always going to be susceptible on the break and some great running from 'Le Giraffe D'agua', fresh from a weekend away at a wedding and Chopper Watson, who had regained the ability to control a hockey ball, helped put the pressure back on the Reds. The scoreline could have been more if not for some inept shooting by Matt Truman, which sealed him the highly regarded Dick of the Day award.

Finally, one again a special thank you to those who supported, and a plea to all the Old Georgians girls that were playing at 13.00, please come and visit us again soon, you were lovely!!!

Mens 2nd XI

Staines 3 City of Oxford 3

With City of Oxford second in the league and with a couple of good results in previous weeks, the twos knew they would be in for a tough game. The game started well with Staines dominating the first ten minutes but failing to convert any short corners. After one Staines short corner broke down, City broke away to end up with a 6 on 3 at the Staines defensive line and scored the inevitable goal. But Staines did not let up, and 5 minutes later a beautifully executed reverse stick sweep from the top of the D by Big Dave Hurd gave Staines the equaliser. That took the game to half time. Once again, a rousing team talk pushed the Staines boys onwards. Again, Staines dominated the first ten minutes of the half until a cross by skipper Andy Oliver found Greenway to slot in a second goal for Staines. City came back even harder to put away a well worked goal, equalising the score. Staines continued to pile on the pressure, however, but still could not convert the short corners that were won. In fact, in what was nearly an action replay, after a Staines shorty broke down, City once again broke away giving the Staines defence little option but to concede a goal. This put City in the lead, but the Staines boys lifted their game once again. As ever, several more short corners were won but remained unconverted. Finally, however, a shorty was won and the whistle blown for full time. The whole of the Staines team came up for the short corner. Pushed out by Crowe, stopped by Greenway who slipped it to Oliver. The ball found Servais who pushed the ball hard towards the far right goal post. The ball found Quinlan who managed to take enough speed off the ball so that it fell to the hero of the hour Big D to slot the goal in from an acute angle.

Staines did not deserve to lose that game thanks to all their hard work and dedication, but next time we come up against City, let's not leave it so late!

Mik Quinlan

Mens 3rd XI

Staines 3's versus City of Oxford 3's
That Michael Fish has been mucking about with the weather again. It is supposed to be the middle of Autumn, therefore cold, wet and windy. But here we were getting a right sweat on at the Stadium of Light in brilliant sunshine and temperatures of 35 degrees C ! The Housewives favourite (Not so big Rob and getting thinner all the time) came to watch and set out his deck chair. He sent his boy off to get a jug of iced Pimms and Porno King Hudson duly arrived back with beverage, including the obligatory pube floating on the top.

Uncle Fester our cuddly skipper returned this week after three weeks of fitness training in the USA, well he did actually last the full game without a collapse, so his papier-mache ankles are holding up well. We expected this match to be hard work, the energy sapping heat and the new Astro being slow and sticky when it is bone dry. C of O were remembered as being a strong side, although they absentmindedly forgot to bring an umpire. Sportingly Staines managed to scrounge a second umpire, Duncan Foster was coaxed from the bar with the aid of sharp pointy sticks and the promise of free beer - he joined his compardrey Jonny D also officiating.

C of O lived up to their reputation putting Staines under pressure and for the first 15 minutes the game ebbed and flowed although no clear chance or advantage was evident. Our Defensive Bastions were formidable as usual, swatting away attacks with aplomb and then releasing the ball to the midfield to unleash a riposte of our own. Dunners held the strategic centre whilst Chewy Patel and Chubby Shanks provided creative outlet. Chewy did have to go off the pitch for a while for medical attention after another finger fell off, due to a viciously struck ball from Uncle Fester that required to be fended away from Alpo's love spuds (the poor chap is shedding body parts like a leper just lately). After absorbing everything C of O could muster, it became evident that Staines were gaining the upper hand, spending longer and longer in their half of the pitch. Inevitably, a typical 'run Forrest run !' break down the right resulted in the tireless Martin Kersher crossing the ball in, for Mart the Tart to reverse strike the ball under the flailing keeper for a magnificent goal.

Not too long after a second was added. Porno King won the ball and initiated an attack, Chewy careered into the D only to get creamed by the keeper before he could customarily dance out of the way, while their keeper was still choking on Chewy's loose fur the ball ran free for Mart the Tart is finish. Half time 2-0 up, another satisfying start. Mention of clean sheets was forbidden.

Second half and C of O came out fighting after re-organising their team to good effect. But Staines raised their game to meet the challenge and although Alex was called into action several times we spent increasingly more time in the opposing half. We could have had a more impressive score line but for several near misses, hitting the post on three separate occasions, a fluffed short corner injection (a very rare occurrence by Mr Safety) and a missed P-flick courtesy of Tart the Mart. But defensively we can be rightly proud of the tremendous effort put in by the whole team which enabled the CLEAN SHEET. A mention in dispatches here for Richard Hudson who more than once wheezed his way back (coughing and gurgling like a consumptive) into the depths of our defensive trenches to make important tackles and repel the invaders. Also a mention for the huge crowd (usually we only get the oppositions substitute and a bloke taking his dog for a walk to have a crap on the football pitch next door) that gathered to watch, their vocal support and encouragement was appreciated.

So another win (2-0) and the 100% record for this season continues. Hero of the Day was Mart the Tart for his goals and all round good effort. Complete and utter nonce cum Big Girls Blouse was Mart the Tart for another missed flick !

Second mention in dispatches for Deano 'You don't need pace to play this game' O'Brien for organising the excellent evening Disco/Night Club event, ably assisted by Tart - catering, Mr Safety and Uncle Fester - raffle. With the aid of special effects hired form George Lucas's Industrial Light and Magic Company, all the smoke and atmosphere was created in the Hall rather than the Boiler room. The Disco was operated by some bloke in a LOUD shirt - much worse than one of Lofties. Anyone who discovers they have been ink stamped rather more than the routine once on the arm, apologies - it does wash off....eventually.

Vince Rowley

Mens 4th XI

Ashford 4 v Staines 4

Apologies for the late match report but unfortunately your captain has had to spend a week away working with a psychotherapist. The problem as it turned out was a complete failure of the patient's memory for the period between 12:20 and 13:30 on Saturday 13th October 2001. The story goes as follows, it was a fine sunny day and the patient was warming up with his teammates prior to a local derby with Ashford 4th XI. All was going fine, but the first signs of the patient's mental state failing soon came when he had apparitions that Jimmy G was now invisible. The first vision came after 5 minutes when the Ashford right winger waltzed forward without anyone within 40 yds of him. When the same thing happened 10 minutes later the patient rubbed his eyes in disbilief, and for a second he saw a pale faded image of Jimmy G trailing way behind.

Reality returned for a short while when Jimmy G's invisible hamstring twanged, and shortly after Chit Chat Laszlo was found unmarked on the 25 after a quickly taken hit in midfield. Still with plenty to do he took into the top of the circle, slipped to the right and smashed a cross-shot into the far corner.

Three minutes later and the patient had a dramatic relapse when he saw one of his defenders disappear like an extra on Star Trek, leaving an Ashford player to slip home the equaliser unchallenged.

The patient's condition deteriorated rapidly after half-time, as he entered a strange Groundhog Day experience as Blobby stopped short-corner after short-corner, and then spun round and tried to play the ball into the D reverse stick, accompanied by a strange mantra of "ball speed ... its not coming out quick enough".

As the unseasonal heat took its toll the affliction seemed to spread to several other players as loads of passes were played perfectly to other invisible players. Finally the calm exterior of the team cracked and the Ashford team coolly took advantage of the two gift wrapped chances presented in the last quarter.

The good news is that the patient has now recovered his marbles and has learnt to deal with massive trauma of a 1-3 defeat to .... Ashh ... Ashf ... Ashfor ... Ashford, there I said it, I've conquered the fear.

Heros: Phil Laszlo was the easier winner this week
Zeros: Jimmy G's 15 minutes as a magician's assistant.

Mens 5th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Ladies 2nd XI

Mill Hill 1 - Staines 2

It was another joyous trek to North London to play Mill Hill on Saturday. Once we'd lost and found Yvonne, Caroline and Eryl we started what we knew would be a very hard match. The game itself was indeed tough, and most certainly not the team we beat 15 - 0 last year. Staines applied pressure from the start and were unfortunate to find themselves 1 - 0 down at half time. However, our heads didn't drop at any time, and we came out for the
2nd half time determined to win the match. The team talk obviously paid dividends, as it wasn't long before we levelled off the scoring with a goal from Helen White. Staines dominated the 2nd half and Mill Hill struggled to clear the ball over the half way line. Determination eventually paid off for Staines, when Juliet Porter scored to put Staines ahead. Mill Hill didn't give up either and Staines had their hearts in their mouths when Mill Hill almost scored at the end of the game. Sharon Marwick was in goal and made some vital clearances. Everyone worked really hard and it was a tremendous display of teamwork which gave Staines a much-deserved victory. After narrowly missing out on promotion last year, the league has started well with 2 wins out of 2.

Player of the match went to the whole team!

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI