Match Reports For Week 8 Saturday 20th October Season 2001 - 2002

Mens 1st XI

Staines 2 Tunbridge Wells 0

Sitting in front of my computer and writing this report is proving a lot more difficult than normal. It is now 14.30 on Monday and I am still feeling violently ill from last night's escapades. Considering the condition I was in at 01.30 this morning it is a miracle that I have managed to struggle into work. The aftertaste from Clive's rice gin is still prominent and there is a strong possibility that I may be sick again before the day is out. Anyway, thanks to all those who contributed to my demise, and I hope you all had a good night, unfortunately, none of which I remember.

Back to Saturday, and the Blue army were away on business in Tunbridge Wells. With new kit, and a fresh supply of pornography courtesy of the Fina garage in Chertsey, things were looking up for the 1st X1 before the match had even started. For once Staines began the game strongly putting Tunbridge Wells under pressure from the first whistle, and after five minutes were rewarded for their great start. Once again the Ginger wizard was on hand to deflect the ball passed their stranded keeper to give Staines an early one-goal advantage. The Blues continued to dominate, and were awarded a penalty stroke later in the half. Up stepped our international flick taker Fu. Hours of practise should have ensured the Blues took a 2-goal lead, however, Poo Mar, as he shall now be referred to, had other ideas. Much like his flick for England against Wales, the pressure got the better of the big man and failure to convert launched his campaign early for dick of the day. By half time Staines still only had the one goal advantage, and it was essential this lead be extended to put Tunbridge out of contention.

The second half did not go entirely to plan. Stuka was rather harshly yellow carded reducing the Blues to ten men after only five minutes. Then to rub salt into the wounds, Tunbridge were awarded a penalty flick and an opportunity to draw level. Duncan 'I have a problem with authority' Foster was quick to voice his opinions with the umpire, and the umpire responded by ordering Duncan off the park. Now down to nine men and the flick yet to be taken, all seemed to be going pair shaped. Fortunately, Tunbridge Wells also had a muppet for a flick taker, and Stuka, after serving his five minutes behind the goal, was soon to return, increasing our numbers to ten.

Despite being one man down the Blues continued to threaten the Tunbridge goal and were rewarded when Sid, for the third time this season appeared to be in the right place at the right time to put the game out of reach. The lead should have been extended further, but some great work by the Tunbridge keeper and some inept finishing by Watson, who clearly had the miss of the day, ensured the scoreline remained at 2. Dick of the Day was consequently a very closely fought affair, but was deservedly won by Duncan, and the skipper himself was recipient of the highly regarded Man of the Match award. Although, another three points had been secured, the overall performance was once again disappointing, and we need to pick up the standard in preparation for our tougher opponents in the latter part of the season.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines 2nd XI Match Report

Staines 1 Gerrards Cross 1

This week was Gerrards Cross. At the time in a mid table position, but certainly not an opposition to be underestimated. Once again as in previous weeks, the Blue Army dominated the first 15 minutes. There were several short corners but none of which were converted. A return by Clive Bolton was marked by his attempt to give the opposition the ball even though he was the last line of defence - twice. Thankfully, Gerrards X failed to convert. Staines kept up the pressure. Eventually, a failed clearance by GC saw the ball picked up by Mik Quinlan who passed it into the D to new comer Hamish Robertson. Hamish's shot rebounded off the goalkeeper only for it to fall to Oliver who made no mistake in putting it away. 1-0 Staines. Soon after came half-time. Staines lifted their spirits again. However, from here on in Staines had many chances but failed to convert with shots from Beeson, Quinlan, Atkins and a deflection by Greenway coming so close yet somehow the GC goalie managed to stop the ball on the lin e after a failed clean stop on more than one occasion. With seconds to go, Staines failed to hold onto the ball with an awry pass falling to GC who broke away and, after a scramble at the goal involving, among others, Clive 'Great Wall' Bolton, a goal was conceded. Full time was blown after the Staines push back leaving the Blue Army little chance to get the winner.

A good performance by the boys, with some bad luck on the day. We will need to win these kinds of games if we are to go up this season. Next time we meet Gerrards Cross let's show them we mean business!

Mik Quinlan

Mens 3rd XI

Staines 3 v Milton Keynes 3 (Away)

All professional sides like to arrive with plenty of time to warm up, unfortunately on this occasion we were far from, with half the side arriving with only 3 minutes to push back! This was due mainly to the quality of the maps provided by our (ex) logistics man Rowley who cleverly couldn't play anyway today and the 29 roundabouts required to cross to get to the ground. Luckily our athletic ability enabled us to commence promptly only for MK to apply consistent pressure to our defence resulting in a good welcome to our side for Keith (The Youth) Hine in goal.

Within the first minute Deano was trying to surgically impale an opposition player onto his stick, but finally let him go only for MK to attack within a further couple of minutes and to the captains shout from Sid of "let it go", we all did as instructed but the MK right wing clearly didn't respect Sid's call and lurked in on the back post to slot the ball into the back of the net!

1 - 0 down and we were finally warmed up so we decided to start. After some good work down the left by Mark (He'll Always Be A Sponging Student To Us) LeasLow and Martin (Forest) Kercher, the ball was delivered along the back line to Mart the Tarts reverse and after a bit of a swerve (not sure whether down to quality or more likely lack of balance), he pulled it onto the strong side and slotted the ball under the flailing keeper. 5 Minutes to go of the first half, a Staines short corner routine of Shanks, Rengger and O'Brien resulted in Rich (The reformed) Hudson slamming home our second.

2 - 1 up at the 1/2 and we knew MK would come at us with all guns blazing, so we decided to extinguish their immediate threat by scoring our third within a minute of the restart from a well constructed short corner routine resulting in Sid slipping the ball to the Tart on the penalty spot to slot the ball thru the oncoming keepers legs, 3 - 1. Tireless work by all, but especially Paul (Dunner) Dunne and John "Twang" Duffield in the middle of the park meant we played some sexy hockey and kept possession for the majority of the second half.

Unfortunately 10 minutes from the end someone must have reminded MK that this was a top of the table clash and they strolled into our D and a sloppy second was conceded. Pressure on now and shortly after, Arthur (our travelling umpire) awarded a short to MK against Deano and finally the toys, rattle and dummy came out. Deano carefully took aim, swung, but finally pulled out at the last moment (a first for Dean according to Amanda), and the ball merely headed passed Arthur at a rate of knots. He luckily got away with it, (well sort of - see Big Girl's Blouse at end)! The inevitable short corner happened and with us all praying for them to F**k it up and they duly obliged, enabling us to really wind them up by going up the other end and finishing the tie with a goal, courtesy of some great work by John (hamstrings surviving - just) Duffield and a strike from the top and third goal from the Tart!
It was said after the game that "We just wanted it more than them" and a better summary cannot be added!!

Win 4 - 2

Big Girl's Blouse - Deano (for the target practice, courtesy of Arthur).
Fu*k*ng Hero - Rich (for overall effort).

Mens 4th XI

Staines 4 V Banbury 3
20th October 2001

This week came the visit of table-topping, top-scoring Banbury. An impressive record of 3 games, 3 wins, 18 goals scored and only 3 against was a little daunting on the back of our two successive 1-3 defeats, and our seeming inability to convert chances into goals. To add spice to the game this was the first chance for revenge after the travesty of the battle against "Big Chief Yellow Belly". last season. To combat his leanings we had pre-booked our resident moon-buggy driving Chairman to take him to task if necessary. However, with Edward off doing his impersonation of Hong Kong Phooey all week, and Yellow Belly in hospital having his annual early season operation to remove the silicate deposits from his ears, the awaited showdown failed to materialise.

The game started as an even end-to-end contest, and then after 10 mins a short corner to Banbury. The ball was switched back to the near post and the ball broke kindly to the Banbury forward. He move the ball nto the clear, then picked up his banjo, aimed it at the big cow's backside in front of him, ... swish ... TWAAAANNNNGG! We all looked in disbelief as he had missed .. his banjo flying just wide of the post and hitting the fence behind the goal.

Then at the other end a fine break and the ball flew across the goal line 2ft off the ground. Martin rushing in adjusted his position, missed it. Another player who couldn't hit a cow's backside with a banjo!

A flurry of short-corners came Staines way, and goals almost came. Much better this week lads!! The midfield and defence were wokring tirelessly to prevent the slick Banbury moves from getting into our 25. Andy Nellhams guesting for us because of his inability to travel to Milton Keynes later that afternoon, pocketed the moaning, arm waving Banbury forward. The goal cam from one of our increasingly impressive breaks, when Alpesh fired home after neatly creating a bit of time and space in a crowded circle. Half-Time 1-0

Keith came over to give us his coaching tips for the 2nd half. More of the same but we must use the slip left on the next short corner. Andy was designated receiver.

The second half started with a wave of Banbury pressure as Staines lost their cool pass and move game of the opening period. We could now hear a constant scouse drone coming from the goal as Harvey barked commands and words of encouragement in equal measure. We all responded and slowly started to take a grip on the game again. The turning point came when Nick decided he was "The Terminator" and their bandana-clad playmaker was to be hunted down. By the end Nick had reduced a fine player to a gibbering wreck only capable of receiving the ball facing his own goal doing his stationary Indian dribble practice.

Keith called Martin off after one of those 5 minute periods when his legs became disconnected from his brain and he ran constantly all over the pitch from left wing to right wing to fleft back to right half ..... Danny came on and almost immediately scored at back post. Then as Keith was explaining the new positional changes we should be taking we won a short-corner. Andy jogged forward into position. The ball came out, Matty slipped it left ... and Andy slapped it into the far corner 2-0. Keith you're a marvel !!

The rest of the game was now one-way traffic on the Banbury goal which somehow survived as Simon somehow got the ball stuck under his feet a yard out from the post. Then fine keeping kept out an effort from Mike, and two from Chris, one when he managed to leap up like a Salmon from a stiing position ot palm away a fine lifted flick.

End result 2-0. Fantastic result, excellent performance. Let's start looking up that table!!

Heros: Nick and Andy shared top slot this week
Zeros: Matty strolled away with it this week, I presume for his efforts to drill the killer 16 hit outs through the strong side of their centre forward10 yds away.

Mens 5th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Saturday - friendly.
Wycombe Rye 1 Staines 9

Following a dissapointing result in the league last week, Staines were back on winning form. The scoring opened by Nicki Walsh with a strike from the top of the Dee. A series of attacks saw Jo Ive score twice, with deft touches beyond the Wycombe keeper. Alex Stacey added to the total with a superb individual effort. Further strikes from Sarah Chandler and Kerry Maskery added to Staines dominated performance. Following a series of short corners, Melanie Attfield slammed the ball into the back of the net. Another outstanding team performance was topped off with further goals from Nicki Walsh and Alex Stacey preparing Staines for their cup match against Chalfont & Amersham tomorrow.

Sunday - All England trophy
Chalfont & Amersham 0 Staines 7

After a journey to Chalfont for a 12 o'clock away game both teams were dissapointed that the pitch was too water logged to play on. It was decided that the game was to be held later at Staines home pitch. Staines started the match in fine form and scored an early goal from Kerry Maskery, and followed on with a superbly accurate short corner flick from Ruth Hine. Before half time Staines went 3-0 up with a penalty flick scored by Melanie Attfield. With Staines completely dominating play in the first half, they did not let up in the second half and went on to score more goals. The fourth goal was another short cornter flick over the goalie by Ruth Hine The scoring was completed by Individual efforts from Melanie Attfield, Sarah Chandler, and Kerry Maskery. Probaby the best team performance by Staines so far this season moves Staines into the second round.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Staines 4 - Windsor Vets 0

Don't be deceived by the names, Windsor were a sprightly lot and half the Ladies 3's qualify as vets. Staines took a while to find the goal but by half time we were 2 nil up with a goal from Leigh Hill and a rather pathetic one from Linda McCormack. In the second half Windsor came out fighting and once again it was hard for us to finish off the attempts at goal. However, in a flash, in her new Forward Trainers Kerry Burke made a run down the right wing and in to the D and scored a brilliant goal at 20 degrees. The whole team continued to work well together especially Alison Ford and Linda McCormack who were voted joint players of the match. And how could I forget,with 20 minutes remaining Linda made a run down the pitch towards the D there was no obvious pass so she took the advise of Jeanette and went for goal. By some freak of nature she hit the ball perfectly and it hit the backboard. Thanks for the training Duncan. Would also like to give a special thanks to Sarah Pickerall who went in goal and was S--- Hot!!

Ladies 4th XI