Match Reports For Week 10 Saturday 3rd November Season 2001 - 2002
Mens 1st XI
Staines 5 Old Kingstonians 2
Still undefeated the Blue army travelled to Old Kingstonians. Tiffens Girl School was the destination, an exciting prospect for 11 men on a Saturday morning, but much to our disappointment the school was empty. Duncan wanted to go home, his pipe dreams dashed, but once it had been explained that they would all have probably blown him out, he resided to the fact the only pulling he was guaranteed involved putting his socks on at the start of the game.
The match - the sun was shining and the birds were singing, and with the majority of the top teams playing each other, a win on Saturday would leave the Blue army pushing for top spot in the league. The game however did not start as planned and OK's took a two-goal lead within the first ten minutes. The defence that have looked so solid all season started the game poorly and mistakes by Poo Mar, Liam and captain Beakerchop helped OK's get off to a flying start. The pressure was on, and the Blues desperately needed to stamp their authority on the game. The comeback was soon to begin as Staines laid siege to the OK's back line. After a number of chances were squandered, the Blues were finally rewarded from a short corner as 'Not so Fat Matt Truman' threaded the ball through for Neil to open our account. Staines continued their assault and it was not long before they were rewarded for their efforts. A cross from Larry on the left picked out the old workhorse Stouka grazing at the far post, who did not hesitate in levelling the match. Staines were now completely in charge of proceedings, and finally took the lead towards the end of the first half, after a short corner strike from Larry. Despite the early scare, the Blues went in at half time 3-2 up, a scoreline that did not do justice to their dominance of the game.
Despite cries of 'lets bury them this half lads!' and 'lets stick ten in!'
OK's started the second half the strongest. Fortunately, it only took ten minutes
for the Blues to shake off their half time knap, as JD, first to emerge from
the slumber, slammed home the forth. The game was killed off minutes later,
with the move of the match. Chopper 'the battler' Watson, local celebrity and
page 7 pin up, stole the ball of one of their attacking players; swift interchange
saw the ball transferred through the mid-field up to the forward line, where
some great passing between Not so Fat Matt and his side kick Larry, eventually
opened up the goal for Neil to score his second of the day. Further opportunities
were created but not converted and the match finished 5 - 2.
Mens 2nd XI
Staines 2nd XI Match Report
Staines 3 Hayes 2
This week was Hayes. Lying in the top third of the table, they were still not a team to be underestimated. The game started well, even though captain Clive Bolton decided not to join us until 15 minutes later. Staines was the dominant team looking very good up to the opposition's quarter, whereupon the ability to get the ball into the D without passing it to one of the Hayes defenders was sadly lacking. Several short corners by Staines, and one near miss later by Hayes and it was half time. The second half started appallingly, with Staines successfully completing passes to the opposition. One such pass led to the Hayes front line breaking away and scoring. This still did not lift the Staines players as the passing remained inaccurate. Minutes later, and a scramble in front of the goal (with Andy Nelhams in comic diving pose) resulted in a second goal for Hayes. 2-0 down after the first 10 minutes of the second half did not bode well for a good outcome. Staines lifted their game, and with 13 minutes to go a pass into the D deflected off Lee Atkins to fall to Mik Quinlan who slotted the ball between the Hayes goalkeeper's legs to begin the come back. This goal lifted the Blue Army further still. A short corner was won. Out by Crowe, stopped by Greenway moving the ball swiftly to Oliver and the well rehearsed P-spot short corner routine saw the ball move quickly from Hall to Atkins who flicked the ball into the goal. 2-2. Again, Staines maintained the pressure to win a short corner with a minute left in the game. Greenway stopped, passed to Atkins who dummied the flick, leaving the ball to fall to Oliver with a clear shot on goal which was easily converted. 3-2 Staines.
The Blue Army now lies top of the league, one point ahead of Banbury who have a game in hand. Let's keep up the performance and stay at the top.
MOM: Andy "Clean trainers required" Nelhams
DOD: Clive "12 o'clock meet in Putney" Bolton
Mik Quinlan
Mens 3rd XI
Aylesbury 3 versus Staines 3.
The Third Battalion mobilised this week back to RAF Halton the scene of the
famous toilet roll incident of two years ago. After last weeks moribund display
we were determined to make amends and get the Third Team juggernaut back on
a winning role. Deano was away having a conjugal kit off experience in the New
Forest. So Kingsley 'the domesticated' Kemish was recalled and for added support
as 12th man - Dave' the pint' Lacey was dragged out of the Happy Man, his little
eyes blinking as they became accustomed to sunlight for the first time in weeks.
Dave brought with him his own recipe for a healthy energy booster drink - 1
part Meths, 1 part Old Spice, 1 part Special Brew and a wee drop of Orange Juice.
Dave was not allowed to travel in the smokers car in case he spontaneously combusted.
Also making an appearance this week was Dave Woolyatt, a sighting so rare that
Bill Oddie kept following him around watching him through high powered binoculars.
So onto the game. Whispering Sid won us the toss so we were able to select the
end with the sun at our backs to start. A very good move in the circumstances,
as during the warm up at the sunny end, the old fella Keith said he could see
F##k all above knee height due to the bright low lying sun. So with due respect
to our elders we wheeled him down the shady end but left the parking brake off
on his bath chair for manoeuvrability. Within seconds of the start we were at
their 25 line closing down a 16 free hit which Aylesbury plumbed with unerring
accuracy at testical height, Mart the Tart just managing to avoid circumcision
with a blunt object (the ladies will be mightily relieved). Within a minute
of assaulting the Aylesbury goal another 16 free was shelled out at eye watering
height and Mart had to get his wrist in the way this time (large bruise, pimply
tattoo, much swearing). Barely recovered from that, and Aylesbury still had
not trod on our half yet, another 16 free felled Mart the Magnet again.
The goals round up will come later, in short the first half was dominated by
Staines who controlled all aspects - mighty defence, tricky midfield, and an
attack with the penetration of Big John Holmes! There were a few moments of
raised tempers in Staines team, both with the oppo and each other. Sid had gone
slightly purple and was beginning to foam, Martins temperature gauge registered
'About to Blow' after being flattened and trod on, and Mr Safety had a slight
disagreement with authority when our skipper tried to reorganise the defence
during an Aylesbury attack. This was just indicative of the level of commitment,
dedication to the cause and will to win being exhibited. 3-0 at half time, sensible
team talk, air cleared, get back in the groove. Second half - loads of goals
scored and Aylesbury managed to scrape 2 consolation efforts more by luck than
judgement. Part way through the second period Aylesbury had a player wander
off and sit in his car sulking - amazing - and amusing. Still we did spank them
resoundingly 8-2. We went back to their club house and ate all their food, it
would have been rude not to, only a few of their chaps returned but those that
did were most sporting. Round Up - GOLA !!!!!!:-
1. Dave Bobblehat - from a short corner, received, nipped round defender and
slipped under keepers collapsing body.
2. Chewy Patel - ball slipped across the D by Mart the Tart, finds Alpo in space
who delights in slapping home, loud purring, lots of fluff.
3. Mart the Tart - Woolycat gallops down wing with ball, Martin tries to keep
up, arriving wheezing in to the D just as Daves superb cross arrives, bang,
goal, keeper nowhere.
4. Mart the Tart - more Wibbly Bobbly wing work and Mart careers across the
D with the ball to reverse thrash it home. Keeper is already knotting a noose.
5. Dave Woolyatt - Deservedly gets a goal, whizzes down wing (like Forrest Gump's
Dad) along the back line, then a vicious miss-hit defects in off a defender
heel.
6. Mart the Tart - Short Corner, ball arrives back to Martin near top D - big
hit in takes divot out of back board. Keeper has strung noose from cross bar.
7. Dunners - Another well deserved goal. Quick 1-2 with Martin, big hit, keeper
couldn't stop it squirming past his pads and over the line.
8. Em Shanks - Coup de Grace delivered via a well taken P-Flick. Martin please
note. Someone cut down their gurgling keeper he makes the place look untidy.
Hero - For his age defying speed, skill and endurance, Wing Wizard Wooly. Mart
the Tart was slightly miffed - third hat trick of the season and not a single
vote today!
Big Girls Blouse - Mr Safety was nominated for his minor toy chucking in the
first half, Alpo was also nominated even though he was definitely awake, he
did miss an absolute peach of a goal chance. But Porno King Hudson got the vote
for whinging, not scoring a goal, forgetting the Hero shirt last week, going
home early and a complete lack of quality porn just lately.
Vince Rowley
Mens 4th XI
Staines 4th XI v Milton Keynes 5th XI
Date : 3rd November 2001
Venue : The Field of Dreams
After last week's very early start the intrepid band of the 4th XI set foot on the astro at the ungodly hour of 4pm. At just after 3pm Ben bought in a round of Red Bulls, just so that we could make it to the push back without falling asleep. Phil must have waited too long before drinking his as somehow after being at the club for over an hour he was last to the pitch, with only a couple of minutes to spare. As we walked over we saw the familiar shape of the Milton Keynes answer to Michelin Man, Fat Agassi, walking over the grass to the astro !!! Now we were really enraged on behalf of Edward and Arthur, for how could someone not walk the 3.77 miles round the road to the pitch!
Fortunately, we didn't have to bring out our armoured plated all-over body protection as Fat Agassi was umpiring, this was because he is still serving a 3 month ban which ends at the start of December. The game started as a keen and even contest, with Staines using much more width and depth than last week, but the visitors linking up through midfield with neat one-twos. After last week's masterclass on the basics of bad defending, this week we some early examples of much more subtle and difficult skills. First there was, "intercepting the ball, breaking quickly, but then running into an opponent", then Phil demonstrated "how to push a 16 so slowly to their forward that he was berated for not enough ball speed", and then Frank showed how not to use your foot to slow down a break from the halfway line - and duly received a green card. Phil also decided to live up to his knickname and talked himself to the brink of a card, but then managed to talk his way back down to a warning. Mindful no doubt of the dangers of getting a whitewash in the Dick of the Day voting. The good news was that despite these lapses all MK's had to show was a few short corners, all of which were fairly easily dealt with.
At the other end a five minute purple patch saw Danny break through and flick the ball past the keeper but just past the post, then another shot was turned away by the keeper, and then Danny reverse stick flicked the ball high over the keeper and only a few inches wide of the far post. All to no avail and the teams turned round at 0-0.
Matty having arrived from Epsom was chomping at the bit to get on, and was put on from the start to let Phil have some physio to loosen his overworked jaws.Unlike the last couple of games we started the second half like a house on fire with Danny breaking down the right, the ball only being kept out at the expense of a short corner. A couple of minutes later saw a fast break down the left, the ball was placed invitingly across the top of the "D", Nick coming in from right half had his first "shot" of the season which hit the keeper. Chris burrowed in and snortled the ball away like a pig after his truffles, and pushed the ball home. A couple minutes later and another shortie. The slip to Mike was well read by the MK defence, but it was no use as Mike took it wider, squared it and Martin slotted the ball home. Amazingly a few minutes later Danny pushed home the third goal and MK's were in tatters.At this point Staines had scored 9 goals this season, and Danny was the 9th different scorer!!
The sensational second half performance soon got better, as with Matty's arrival he must have brought not only the Scott's kitchen sink, but the bathroom sink, the old bath, a toilet cistern, and a couple of stylish old shower curtains (how topical can we be). All were thrown at the MK rearguard and more cracks appeared as Phil not only set Martin up for his second but also ensured the defender was not going to stop it. What's happening, your captain now top-scorer for the season !! It didn't last long as Danny also racked up his second, admittedly with the help of a howler from the keeper, officially recorded at 8.9 on the Craigometer !
One sublime piece of running skill from Ben from right back, saw him charge up the pitch and into the D with 3 players in his wake, only to touch the ball fractionally too far away from him and too near the keeper - goal of the season if it had gone in - but no luck.
Heroes: Ben pipped Nick and Danny by a single point this week.
Zeros: In a two-horse race it was "Chitchat Laszlo" v "Bigfoot
Clark" all the way, until inevitably "Bigfoot" won the nod by
a big toe.
Captain's Log 20011103
Much more like it this week. Movement, pace, width and depth in abundance. After a good first half, it took Matty's arrival to transform the match into a rout, due in no small part to his much quicker and more penetrating release of the ball from the back. Only two concerns this week - we gave away too many short corners - any theories on how to cut them out let me know and I'll get Keith to sort us out at training on Thursday. Secondly - can we go back to our successful attacking corner routine of last season please! General Harvey and his defensive foot soldiers recorded their 3rd consecutive clean sheet, helping to 3 conscutive wins, and all of them against opposition higher in the league. Next week sees us take on Hayes, one of probably only three teams above us after today. And they have already played all the bottom four so maybe their position is a little misleading ....
Mens 5th XI
Mens Centurions
Ladies 1st XI
Ladies 2nd XI
Staines 10 - Hayes 0
Helen Fishers team talk at the beginning of the game comprised of the fact that we were joint top of the league, but 4th on goal difference, so her request was to score lots of goals, but we were also aware that we drew 1-1 in this league fixture last year, so thought it wouldn't be easy. However, playing later in the day obviously suits the 2nd XI, even Jo Smith turned up without a whiff of alcohol on her breath and the game soon got off to a flying start going 1 - 0 after several Staines players played ping pong with the goalie and Helen White finally put the ball in the back of the net. The next goal was of similar style with Clare Holloway this time making the score 2 - 0. Before half time it was 4 -0 with goals coming from Juliet Porter and Julia Ward. However, Fish still wanted more, so after half time, we simply undertook our captains instructions and netted a few more goals. The first was another from Juliet hitting the ball from the top of the D, to make it 5 and then Helen W popping in another to make it 6. Juliet then scored again to complete her hat trick. However Helen W then followed suit and took the score to 8 -0, also completing her a first hat trick for Staines. As Fish saw the goal deficit disappear, we suggested rounding it up to double figures and Juliet not satisfied with her hattrickt then scored another to make it 9. Helen Major then completed the goal scoring for the afternoon, by taking the ball all the way down the right wing to smash the ball past the keeper and make it 10. Of course praise goes to the whole team, Jo Smith for being sober and instead of taking people out, ended up with cuts and grazes herself! Caroline and Yvonne who were rock solid at the back so that Anya only had to touch the ball twice with a cheer from the crowd both times! Of course our midfield Fish, Clare, Ellie and Ali S, were fantastic and created some great play, setting up most of the goals for the forward line to score from!!!
Player of the Match: Juliet Porter
Ladies 3rd XI
Ladies 4th XI