Match Reports For Week 11 Saturday 10th November Season 2001 - 2002

Mens 1st XI

Staines 6 V High Wycombe 1

Top - Top - Top of the Table

Due to unforeseen events resident journalist Larry scoop Chapman had been called away to Afghanistan to replace Kate Adie who was wounded on the frontline as she was shot and wounded by friendly fire from the Northern Alliance for removing her Burqa and being mistaken as a mountain goat.

Replacing Larry comes out of retirement Dougy who has been recently spotted grazing in the dole office trying to pick up scraps of the floor and renting out cardboard boxes.
Well what a story, Staines go top of the Premiership B, largely down to the ginger wizard Fatt boy Truman who kicked some serious woop-arse and frightened the life out of a red hot Wycombe side.
He not only scored four quite charming goals but laid his body on the line trying to deflect in Grand Papa's shot when it was going wide, what a soldier.
Not only that but recently quoted as Goat's bollocks by Posh Jodie, Sidney continued his scoring run with a Callum-esk short corner to make it seven in nine games.
Staines could not quite work out if Sid's ability to score more goals than Beaky, that made the skip again - threaten Spelthorne Borough with a potential nose volcano eruption.
Stu had a bit of a mini-eruption in the Second half and promptly skipped with his handbag to rant at the umpire like a madman, when he fell over his own nose and ripped the astro.

Watson has too get a mention for the goal of the day, rounding sixteen players and slamming it home.

Sublime hockey, is purely the way to describe the blue army at the moment and also credit where credit is due, Andre behaved himself on the line this week.
Now apparently we have a tough game this week and we are not allowed to mention the A word in training, now is that A for Arse or A for Ardvark.

Just to remind you. We are currently top of the tab and intend to remain there.
News Bulletin

I have just a had a live video link with Larry in a secret location just outside Kabul and he informs me that he will be back in time for Saturdays game.
Rumours are that Old Bin Laden himself might be in goal for the Ardvarks so we better all bring our shooting boots and shoot the sun of a gun down.

MOM - MATT TRUMAN - Call him ginger at your peril.
DOD - STUART HALL - More DOD's than league goals this year skip.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines 2nd XI Match Report
Staines 4 Hendon 1

Hendon lying mid table were to be the Blue Army's opponents this week. The key was to make sure we were not complacent, and that we took the qualities of the hard work from the Sunbury game and the passing capability from the Hayes game, and built upon this to work the ball into the D more effectively. The game started well, with Staines dominating the game. The ball was moved quickly and cleanly between Staines players. Several short corners were awarded. The first goal came from a well worked short corner, which saw the ball fall to Rod Crowe who, in an act of unselfishness, passed the ball across the goal which saw it fall to Servais to slot the ball into an open goal. The second came from another well worked short corner allowing Lee Atkinson's shot to get deflected into the goal by the Hendon defence. Just before the end of the first half, the Hendon attack won a short corner. The half time whistle blew, and Hendon moved all their players up to the Staines D. After a scramble in front of the D, Hendon managed to squeeze the ball past the Staines defence to make the score 2-1 to Staines at half time.

Once again, another rousing team talk from "co-captains" Oliver and Bolton spurred the team on into the second half. The Staines attack maintained the pressure on the Hendon defence. In fact, the Hendon attack rarely broke past the Staines half way line, let alone the 25. The third goal came from a short corner and saw Andy Oliver slot the ball in to put Staines 3-1 up. Staines still did not let up, and a fourth goal was scored by "Sniffer" Greenway who picked up a shot blocked by the Hendon goalkeeper.

We remain second in the league only two points behind Banbury. Let's keep up the hard work and get to the top slot!

MOM: Rod Crowe
DOD: Adam Servais

Mik Quinlan

Mens 3rd XI

Staines 3 versus PHC Chiswick 4
It is now the second quarter of the season with the run in to Christmas and still the Big Blue Bastions remain unbeaten. This week we entertained PHC Chiswick at the Stadium of Light. PHC were likely to be a stiff test although they arrived late due to logistics problems at Twickenham (Didn't they know there was a Rugby game on ?). Still the enforced lengthy warm up ensured that Chewy was well awake by the start, the occasional prod with a stick helped. We allowed two outcasts to join us this week, 'Sponging Student' Lees-Low and 'Plumber' Nelhams. Nelhams immediately had a head start in the Big Girls Blouse vote as he turned up incorrectly kitted out, his shirt was filthy from the previous week, unshaven and basically manky. It was also a day of new hair do's, Big Stu had been to his stylist again - coming away with a very high and tight short crop, which made him look like his head had been slammed in a train door. Hudson's bouffant was amazing - a wind swept and interesting cockerel crest.

The game opened with a brief spell of end to end charging eventually resulting in a short corner for Staines. Chubby Shanks injected, but completely naused it up ! Luckily Staines remained in possession and the ball pinged around in their D like in a pin ball machine, before eventually rolling towards Captain Collapse. Sid reacted well, lurched onto the ball and spooned it into the goal - excellent start. Within minutes disaster struck when the Plumber dribbled the ball around in our own D until he had completely confused himself, allowed a PHC attacker to rob him and flick it past our huge pink scouse Keeper. Harvey was not amused his run of clean sheets broken.

Soon after the Plumber went off for a rest and a proper left back came on and restored defensive order on that side of the pitch. The game was quite a furious affair, PHC applied fast determined attacks and often placed concerted pressure on our defence, Staines conceding a number of short corners. One was fended off the line by Mr Safety, several others booted away by Harvey (Pink really does not suit him). Against this general run of play Staines managed to break out resulting in Chewy Patel slapping the ball in from near the back post. Being a lively bunch, PHC battled back looking for an equaliser. Sid had a minor toys out of pram moment - swapping school boy insults with their centre forward (pouf - baldy - my Dad's bigger than your Dad, etc). As half time approached it looked like we had drawn their sting as we increasingly raided the PHC D. Porno Hudson, after a steady start, slipped an incisive pass through to Mart the Tart who coolly slotted the ball past the reach of their rather eccentric keeper. 3-1 at half time, not a bad mornings work, although we still needed to win more of the 50/50 balls and make our passing sharper.

Perhaps PHC were tired but the second half was mostly dominated by Staines. PHC defended effectively and remained dangerous when they formed an attack. It was deep into the half before another goal came. In the meantime Em cocked up several more short corners (Mr Safety wants his job back !). Despite this, Em, Dunners and Sponging Student bossed the Midfield. Our Defence was again as tight as a Sharks arse at 50 fathoms. The Staines attack, missing the speed of either 'Forrest' Kercher, or 'Forrest Gump's Dad' Woolyatt, still regularly threatened their goal. After some inspired 1-2 passing down the right involving Deano, until he slowly ran out of puff and begged not to receive the ball back again - Mart the Tart slipped a cross passed their keeper (just like Count Dracula he was not good with crosses) towards Alpo having a cat nap in front of an open net. Alpo, looking up to see Porno Hudson ferociously charging down like an antipodean David Ginola, stepped aside before he could be trampled, so Richard netted the ball. A deserved goal for his efforts today.

Finally the best goal of the game for our 5-1 victory created from a set of 3 perfect passes. Dunners won the ball at our D and released to Em who trundled down the right and then cut in along their 25 yard line. In the meantime Mr Safety in stealth mode sprinted down the left to meet the well timed pass from Em. With cries of "where the f##k did he come from" Rowley executed an exquisite first time ball between two rooted defenders for Mart the Tart to collect unmarked. He duly scored in emphatic fashion.

Hero - Big Stu kept their centre forward deep in his pocket. In fact he was still there hours later when Stu emptied the loose change out of his trousers.
BGB - Chewy Patel again got nominated although he was definitely livelier. We are going to worm him before next weeks game. The Plumber got nominated for no kit and no brain. But Sid got the nod this week for his first half tantrum and the incident in the second when sweeping up in our D he decided to dribble across it then slip the ball to a surprised PHC player standing on the P spot. Luckily he miss hit his shot (cows arse and banjo's spring to mind).

Mens 4th XI

Hayes 3rd XI v Staines 4th XI
Date: 10-Nov-2001
Venue: Cranford

Another tough fixture this week against high-riding Hayes, currently 2nd in the league and only a point behind leaders Ashford. Re-inforcements were drawn up this week in the shape of the Happy Man Lacey who slotted neatly into his defensive role. The first 20 minutes saw Staines with the upper hand, but funnilly enough nothing to show for it ... not even a clear attempt on goal. The Hayes midfield then sparked into life but there was very little between the teams as the ball was moved quickly from one 25 to the other. Keith was the busier keeper, but there again with only two shots to save he wasn't exactly working up a sweat.

At half-time the score was 0-0 (no surprise to 4th XI followers - that's 3 weeks in a row now). It was hard to see on the evidence of this game how both sides on show had managed to win three consecutive games, as both sides had all the penetrative power of an octogenarian who had lost all his Viagra.

Shortly into the second half Hayes broke into our half, Matty appeared to be obstructed at the top of the D, but it didn't seem to matter as the ball rolled towards the baseline. The Hayes forward chased the forlorn cause and squared the ball as it reached the line. Somehow the ball deflected off Keith's pad and rolled across the goal before gently crossing the line at the back post. What a soft goal. The first we had conceded in 255 mins - 4 hours and 15 minutes.

No problem we'll just roll our sleeves up and equalise, shouldn't be a problem as we had scored in every game this season. Things started to look up as Hayes were slowly pushed further and further back into their half until they were camped in their 25 for long periods. Now here is a little conundrum. How can you have 80% of the possession, have only one defender in your own half, and still have no width nor any service to the attackers! In fact the front players were even coming back to get the ball ... which by my maths means we had 11 players on the pitch, one goalie, one in our half, one in their D, that leaves 8 players in midfield, none of who were providing any width ... DOLTTTT!!! That's it we've discovered the Homer Simpson method of hockey.

In past weeks we've concentrated on the "How not to Defend" manuals but this week our attention was grabbed by the new publication "Don't go in the D at night or you'll be sure of a big surprise" ... well in our case it wouldn't be the ball ... not unless its delivered at a minimum velocity of 150 miles an hour, preferably at knee height.

I suppose we must give credit to a hard-working and well disciplined Hayes rearguard, but in truth this was game that we should not have lost, and one that we should have won quite comfortably.

Heroes and Zeros : Due to the game starting 35 minutes late nearly everyone had to rush off to other appointments straight after the game. Early exit polls show a dazzling inconsistency in the voting with Matty being nominated in equal measures for both awards but Mike taking a decisive lead in the Dick of the Day ballott. The poll will be completed by telephone this week.

Captain's Log 20011110

After last week's sizzling second half what a frustrating afternoon. Hayes are now top we hear, as Ashford the leaders lost to Boyne Hill. Small consolation that we can dominate the league leaders for possession and territorial advantage and lose ... but you have to score to win matches. Now we have a critical run of matches, with four games left to the mid-season break, we play three of the teams near the bottom, and one against the young and mobile Amersham & Chalfont 3rd XI - who remain unbeaten this season. If we win all four then we'll be well in the hunt for promotion so let's get back on track starting next week.

Mens 5th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

West Hampstead 0 Staines 3 (League).

Staines got the all important league win on Saturday away at West Hampstead to keep up the pressure on the other teams in the league. Staines dominated play in the first half but only managed to go 1-0 up before half time with a short corner strike by Melanie Attfield. After more pressure by Staines during the second half, the second goal came from Sue O'Connell. After many more short corners Staines got their third goal with another fantastic strike by Melanie Attfield taking her goal scoring tally for the season to 10. Staines got the result they needed.

Ladies 2nd XI

Staines 2 - Southgate 0

It must be something about North London and Yvonne driving with Caz and Eryl that always results in them taking a different route which results in them turning up sometime after the rest of the team. Anyway once the team had regrouped at the splendid Southgate ground, the game got started. Southgate are a strong side and the game was fast paced and pretty even with both teams having a number of chances. A short corner was awarded to Staines just as the first half whistle was about to go and after several attempts, Helen White finally put the first half to rest by scoring the first goal. At the start of the second half we knew this was not going to be another goal fest like last week, so all opportunities to extend the scoreline was needed. Juliet took this on board and 10 minutes into the second half picked up a ball from Ellie on the top of the D and found herself faced with 2 defenders. She just managed to get enough of a touch onto the ball to push it past the defence and unfortunately for the keeper who clearly misjudged the situation, moved away from the goal thinking the ball was going wide, but fortunately for Staines it went in. This had to be the flukiest goals ever scored or in the words of Edward Scott, the worst goal Juliet would ever score, but hey it all counts! Southgate still had their chances to score and almost did when awarded a flick. However, Anya, making up for her quiet game last week, stood tall and the ball went wide, resulting in a 2 - 0 victory to keep up Staines Winning ways in the league. Next Saturday see's a top of the table clash against Sunbury who came down from the league above this season.

Player of the match: Eryl Penney

Ladies 3rd XI

Staines 1 - Southgate 0

A physical and closely contended match. Both defences played a major roll, hence the low score sheet. Outstanding goalkeeping by Sarah Pickerall proved vital for a clear sheet for Staines. The only goal was smashed by Jo Greig after a missile like cross from Kerry Burke.

Ladies 4th XI