Match Reports For Week 12 Saturday 17th November Season 2001 - 2002
Mens 1st XI
Mens 2nd XI
Staines 2nd XI Match Report
Staines 4 Henley 3
The first of two crunch games in two weeks for the Blue Army. The 2's would
have to win this game and next week's against Banbury to secure their place
at the top of the table. Henley would be up for the game. Our defence was strengthened
again this week with Colin Reed in goal (Gordon - you're still missed! But if
you will cycle into stationary vehicles?). The game started with both teams
working hard from the off. A couple of short corners were won by both teams
but neither managed to convert. 15 minutes into the first half and a pass from
Lloyd Mallinder allowed Mik Quinlan to dummy past the Henley right back, draw
the goalkeeper and pass it past the goalie to Roger Greenway who deflected the
ball into the goal. A well earned goal for the whole team. But Staines had not
finished yet. The effort and commitment of the whole team increased. A short
corner was won by Staines. Out by Crowe, stopped Greenway, hit Oliver, save
by the Henley goalie, picked up by Beeson and, in his own words, "roofed
i nto the goal". The reality being that it went just above the back board.
2-0 Staines. Henley were beginning to get frustrated. Once again, a good build
up by Staines saw Andrew Oliver receive the ball at the top of the Henley D,
whereupon he proceeded to move left and right with his back to the goal several
times, bizarrely managing to stay on exactly the same spot, before deciding
that a shot on goal might be a good idea? At which point the ball rocketed between
the goalkeeper's legs to give Staines their third goal. Henley did not give
up, a quality that we should also expect from Banbury next week. Henley earned
a short corner minutes from the end of the first half and after a tussle managed
to score. Half time score Staines 3, Henley 1.
For the second half Staines had to make sure that we did not let our game slip
in the first 10 minutes. The pressure on the Henley defence was maintained well,
and Andrew Oliver managed to score a second goal from free play to put Staines
4-1 up. The hard work by the team began to show, and the Staines players were
beginning to tire. This allowed Henley to score two more goals, one from a penalty
flick given 7 mintues from the end. Staines, however, managed to hold on to
win the game.
We will have to work even harder if we are to beat Banbury and build on the
quality of the last few weeks, but let's finish the first half of the season
at the top of the table. Well done to everybody.
MOM: Colin "Pulled from retirement" Reed
DOD: Clive "4 weeks running" Bolton
Note: Amendment to last week's DOD as it was actually Captain Calamity. Sorry
Servais, but I'm sure your time will come.
Mik Quinlan
Mens 3rd XI
Enfield 3's v Staines 3's.
Where do we start, this week ? Anyone who has seen the score board at the Club
- that was not a misprint - we actually won, no not just won, we thrashed, spanked,
royally rogered, held them down and gave them a damn good shafting, 13-0 !
This was all without Chubby Shanks who had to withdraw late with a serious injury
- he got his hand stuck in a Cookie Jar. Big Stu has earnt a new name. Phone
call 1015 am, Whispering Sid to Stu: "Can you play today mate?", a
drowsy Stu "Yeh, ok 1200 meet isn't it?", "No mate, 1200 start,
at Enfield. You Plank." Plumber Nelhams was dispatched in his Shite-mobile
to pick up sleeping beauty whilst most of the team set off for the game. Fortunately
Mart in his posh Landrover followed the Plumber, because somehow Stu managed
to break Andy's car window opening the door ! That boy does not know his own
strength - his new name is 'Pid', I'm sure you can work it out. Consequently
five plus kit had to squeeze into Marts chariot for the trip - very cosy.
The venue at Southbury Corner was deserted when we arrived except for some nobbers
playing football on a distant pitch. Everything was locked including the ropey
looking changing cabins that whiffed faintly of urine and dog shit - a blessing
in disguise perhaps. Enfield eventually turned up along with the Council Troll
who is the keeper of the keys. Ed Scott was duty Staines umpire, not wearing
his horrible pink jersey today, and got things going promptly. He had a very
quiet first half with nothing to do but watch the murderous onslaught at the
Enfield end. We had a new player making his debut today - James 'Sponging Student
2' Lovett who made an immediate impression by setting up the first goal, which
Chewy scrambled in. That worming tablet seemed to do the trick as Chewy managed
to get on the score sheet four times despite the occasional cat nap. What is
alarming, is when he cocks a leg behind his head and starts grooming himself
at half time !
For the statisticians here are the official goal times, from the man not wearing
his horrible pink jersey today: Minutes - 1- 6 - 11 - 13 - 17 - 27 - 32 - 33
- h/time - 1 - 10 - 26 - 31 - 32. The second and third goals were both short
corners, Mart the Tart finishing off a fine routine and then Pace O'Brien tearing
a chunk out of the back board with a mighty missile. Then Tart set up Chewy
for the forth and then a deflection off a Tart shot gained Chewy his hat-trick.
The Plumber careering around like a wonky Tesco Trolley created an opening for
Tart to get his name in lights again and then another superb short corner routine
resulted in Sid blasting in an exocet. A minute later Forrest Kercher was off
down the wing like a scalded cat with Tart thundering up the middle punting
defenders out of the way, a sweet cross in and Mart was there in the nick of
time to finish. Half time, 8-0, Enfield shell shocked, our Umpire (still not
wearing the vile pink jersey) very bored but looking forward to being at the
busy end in the next half. Poor Harvey never got near the ball, is this worth
a £10 match fee ?
Second half and Staines not only stuck the bayonet into the Enfield torso again
but gave it a good hard twist, with a glorious kick in the goolies, to boot
! To their credit Enfield never begged for mercy, so we didn't give them any,
and they always tried to put attacks together without thought of damage limitation
by sticking 8 men behind the ball. Just to show it was no fluke we scored again
in the first minute of play Mart the Tart intercepting a dreadful Enfield 16
and putting the ball in the best place for them to find it - the net. Then a
showboat extravaganza as Tart tarted around in their D trailing defenders before
cheekily reversing striking the ball passed a delirious keeper. The last three
goals all resulted from excellent short corner routines, it is noted that Mr
Safety's injections were all magnificently delivered today contributing to the
six short corner goals. Always lurking leopard like at the left post Mr Safety
pounced twice to score. Unfortunately he was denied a hat-trick due to an earlier
disallowed effort, the umpire (not wearing his God awful pink jersey) claimed
the ball had not been stopped cleanly. Ed had an enjoyable half is arm going
up and down like a fiddlers elbow, giving short corners and goals. His right
arm had not been so tired since the last time he had sex.
Harvey did get to touch the ball once for his £10. With minutes to go
two Enfield attackers actually broke into our half, with the ball no less !
'Pid' took care of one, whilst Harvey raced off his line in a blur of pink to
sort out the other. Staines reinforcements arrived, danger passed.
Mention in Dispatches: for outstanding subtlety, when an Enfield Attacker thought
Martin was standing too close to the centre spot at the restart after another
goal and decided to pace out the 5 metre space required. Mart replied "I
don't know why your bothering you're losing 13-0 and going to be relegated anyway."
Hero: Mart the Tart was a clear and deserving winner with his five goals.
Big Girls Frilly Bits: Could have been 'Pid' what a waste of a university education.
Sid got a nomination don't know what for though, he lasted the game without
a single collapse. But the winner is Mart the Tart for MISSING ANOTHER P-FLICK.
There, it had to be mentioned.
Mens 4th XI
Staines 4's v Bicester 3's
After last week's disappointing reverse against Hayes it was important for the blues that we did not lose any further ground on the top 4.However, as the match began several things were conspiring against us ...
firstly, Bicester had won their last three games, and had one of the best defences in the league
secondly, we were without Danny Penny, and
thirdly, we were up against the amazingly powerful force of alphabetical gravity operating in the MBBO Div2 ... ie: From top to bottom the league reads... Amersham, Ashford, Banbury, Hayes, Staines, Boyne Hill, Bicester, Milton Keynes, Mill Hill, OMT, Windsor and Wokingham. As you can see only Hayes and ourselves were interrupting the natural order with the A's and B's at the top and those weighty W's at the bottom. And, defeat against Bicester would see us fall below both Boyne Hill and Bicester !!!
Fortunately we had the dynamic talisman of Ian "Gizz" Ezzard to fill in for Danny, which allowed us to let Matty lose in midfield come attack. Simon dawdled up 20 mins late for the meet with his stomach filled with freshly eaten steak sandwiches ,,, ah the comittment ... ah a good start for Dick of the Day. As he let his food settle on the sidelines Simon was aghast as twice within the first 90 secs his replacement Matty almost scored first from a short corner, and then forcing the keeper to rush quickly from his line from a great diagonal run into the D.
Well after the pre-match request for more attacking support from the midfield this was the sort of stuff we wanted to see. Then after a few minutes Mike went down like an old age pensioner trying to load a wheelie bin and had to see uncle Gordon on the sidelines for an emergency hip replacement operation.
As the first half wore on our grip of the game slowly eased and Bicester started to venture forward with a bit more conviction but with no penetration - with the Happy Man, Gizzmiester and Frank the Doughnut providing 100% contraceptive protection to Old Father Hine.
Incredibly the score was 0-0 at half time ... how unusual ... only the 5th time in 8 games this season. That's 1 win, 1 defeat, and 6 draws in the 1st half this season. If we thought that this showed a little lack of self-belief on our part, Gordon "The Bionic Man" Scott came over as half-time coach to let us know in no uncertain terms. Nice to notice that the lacky bands holding him together could withstand the animated motivational speech!!!
Within a minute of the restart Nick stole the ball in right midfield, passed the ball inside to Martin who first-timed a pass down the line for Chris, the ball into the D a tussle with Phil and the defender and a short corner was awarded. Lovely slip from Matty and Martin half-swept half-dribbled the ball into the corner of the goal. 1-0.
Some fine team link up play and midfield attacking kept the Bicester rearguard on their toes, and one inspirational move in the D between Martin and Phil saw the latter's reverse stick shot deflected away by a visitors leg ... a P-flick .. No! ... a short corner ... No! ... a sixteen ... Yes !!!
Now my brother known as the "Philadelphia Fan Club" was over watching the game and drinking a pint or two of Boddingtons whilst on a trip to get his Green Card. Phil showed him the easy way to do it.. no 8am grillings in the US Embassy for him, no medical test, no need for masses of paperwork .. no, just a raised stick, a dodgy interpretation by the umpire, a few bits of "chit chat" and Bob's your uncle Phil gets his green card in seconds.
In the last twenty minutes the game was end to end and a little scary as Bicester threw people forward in an attempt to get the goal back. Two or three times they managed to shell the ball across the face of goal, but fortunately their man at the back post didn't have a clue how to jab or reverse stick the ball home as it flashed past. At the other end there was a rare treat for ornithologists as several sightings of the "Lesser spotted 4th XI midfielder" were made in the visitor's D. Matty appeared to banging the ground either in an attempt to scare away moles or to kill snakes .. whichever it was .. Edward - can you have a word with your son! After seven successive big swings Matty was brought off for a quiet word with uncle Gordon on the touchline.
Then finally after some fine runs all game Simon's run into the D was spotted and the ball was fed into his path, his stick was raised and... Arthur blew for time .. so the game ended 1-0.
Man of the Match: Last week's winner on a nett score was Chris Hine... and
this week a clear winner in Gizz
Dick of the Day ... last week was eventually won decisively by Mike .. and this
week's Phil's green card outweighed Simon's Steak Sandwich.
Captain's Log 20011117
Fantastic result. A 1000 times better than last week's abject attacking performance. That puts us clear in 5th place and with several matches between the top six teams before Xmas we could get back into the middle of the promotion chasing pack. First up this week is OMT's, revenge is required for the 0-6 whopping we received last season in the game labelled "Lofty's Lament". Then table topping unbeaten Amersham come to visit, and then we take on whipping boys Wokingham. And did I hear someone mention another clean sheet, what 5 in 8 games. Also, after 4 home games we still have a 100% record, with 9 goals scored and NONE conceded. Nice pitch Edward !!!!
Mens 5th XI
Mens Centurions
Ladies 1st XI
Staines 8 - Teddington 1
Last season's league winners, Staines, faced Teddington, who joined Premier league hockey in September. A predictable win for Staines, 8 goals being slotted past Teddington's keeper. Sarah Chandler scored the first in open play, followed by Ruth Hine who lobbed the ball over the keeper in the top right hand corner. Louise Delaney claimed the 3rd with a straight strike and the remaining were scored by Kerry Maskery (2), Nikki Walsh, Sarah Chandler and Jo Strudley. Teddington did manage to get a token goal but the game was already won by Staines.
Ladies 2nd XI
Staines 4 - Sunbury 0
Staines Ladies 2nd XI demonstrated their winning ways once again on Saturday
against a strong Sunbury side who at the start of the match were 2nd in the
league to Staines. However, the Staines girlies were geared up 100% for this
match and determined to win. This was clear from the start as we settled into
the game very quickly and applied pressure to Sunbury to dominate most of the
match. The first goal came from a penalty corner strike by Clare Holloway. Sunbury
almost scored when Anya masterfully ran out of the goal to clear a ball and
missed, but our rock solid defence were there to save the day when Eryl cleared
the ball, with Anya looking more than slightly relieved! The second half started
well again, with Helen White scoring the 2nd goal. Helen Major scored the third
goal and the game was rounded up nicely when Caz, clearly feeling the pull towards
scoring a goal took the ball up field to strike a ball that Helen White picked
up and scored her 2nd of the day to make it 4. Everyone worked really hard,
and with the midfield working exhaustively to create some great runs only to
be blocked by what has to be said, some great defence work by Sunbury and some
solid goalkeeping to keep the scoreline to 4.
Players of the match: Clare and Caz
Ladies 3rd XI
Staines III v. Sunbury III
Result 3 -2
Saturday seemed to be the day for local derbies - we had Spurs - Arsenal, Staines - A.. and Staines - Sunbury. The Sunbury side arrived at Faulkners unbeaten in the league so far this season; Staines arrived at Faulkners to find that despite having a squad of 13 there was not a keeper amongst them!! What to do in such a situation?! Draw straws? Or just to pick on some poor unsuspecting individual?! Instead, valiant captain Kate Lemon decided to try the pads on for size. She had a great game between the posts and may even have a future there...?!
Back to the game - Sunbury dominated play for the first five minutes or so and in this time managed to slot 2 goals past the home side. Undeterred, Staines kept their heads up and fought on. Sunbury seemed to relax a little and allow Staines back into the driving seat. The first goal was scored from a long corner struck by Ingrid Fear, nudged ever so slightly into the D by Jo "Alchy Student" Smith and struck hard by Skids. Did Sunbury begin to feel the pressure Hell they did! After a series of long corners (were they ever going to end?!) Lee managed to slot another past the unsuspecting Sunbury 'keeper.
Sunbury barely troubled the Staines defence further - when they did venture over the half way, they were taken care of by Wendy and Jeanette. One more goal was scored by Jude who worked hard on the left thoughout the match.
After an inspired team talk - which mainly consisted of Kate begging us not to let it past the half way - Staines set about dictating play once more. Kerry Burke and Jo Grieg worked well together on the right with some brillant balls being fed to them by Skids in the centre.
Wendy "Dodwell" (!) * got into a small disagreement with the umpire after a blatant foot by her Sunbury player. After managing to get the decision in favour of the home side - it was played round the solid defence manned by Pauline Williams. The game continued with great runs by Alchy and Skids making some great balls - none of which were converted into goals. All Staines needed was the win though - and the win they certainly got.
Special thanks must go out to all of those who came out of the relative warmth
of the club to the cold and dark of a November afternoon. I must also apologise
if I got anyone's names wrong, or even forgot to mention you
- I've been on the lash since the game and it all seems a bit of a blur to be
honest!!
*See Men's 1st XI report for the Ashford match!!
Player of the match - Jo Smith
Ladies 4th XI