Match Reports For Week 14 Saturday 1st December Season 2001 - 2002

Mens 1st XI

Epsom 1 v Staines 2

Apologies for a late match report, but what a Saturday night !!!! School Disco at the club Robbie going right back to the eighties when he had hair - but was it ever blonde Robbie?
And Jonnie D went right back to the Sixties when he was in nappies or maybe he should have been on Saturday night (John Stannard has all the gossip)
Anyway the reason I mention this is after drinking copious amounts of Snakie B and Clives bloody skittle vodka, (which should have had an X rated warning), I am only just feeling well enough to write about our glorious victory over the South African contingent of Rourk's Drift or namely Epsom.

Starting with the good bit first, we blatantly won again, which means we continue to be top of the South Premier B and look forward to wooping Oxted this Saturday.
Tough game, but how well did we play in the first fifteen (no - how long was I on for?) first twenty minutes.
Chance after chance went begging, but the Ginger prince and Billy Wizz Toulson for once were not on target.
The kaffa's fought their way back into the game and gave the defence a pretty torrid time, but the veterans Stukka where's my pacemaker Hampton and Fu Ma (cant call him poo ma as we have another contender for the toilet award this week) played brilliantly mopping up all that came before them.

Shanie gets a mention for finally getting on the stat's sheet when he got his first card for Christmas and Jonny D visited the tuck shop behind the goal again with his yellow sweetie voucher, handed out for scything one of the South Africans down. (If you ask me, he should have been given a bloody medal.)

Anyway they scored first, after Matt the Chat missed a blatant foot, which lead to Andre going stealth like and trying to reach the centre spot before anyone noticed him, to air his disapproval.

Then Staines ran up the other end, justice was done another dodgy decision and Fu roofed his penalty with aplomb.
Two minutes later, penalty corner, Whispering Sid stopped it, Fu switched it, Matt got in the way of it and Larry burried it 2-1, 2-1, 2-1.

Staines frantically defended the last ten minutes and then let out a mild cheer as the cherry faced Italian stallion blew his whistle and ended the game.

Anyway as I was saying - Oxted - See yer !!!!!!

Mens 2nd XI

Staines 5 Marlow 1

Marlow was to be this week's opponents. The game started well with Staines quickly converting a short corner with a trademark dipping shot by Andrew Oliver. Marlow quickly came back, however, to win a short corner and convert. Staines began to increase the pressure on Marlow and won several short corners. The first couple went unconverted, but the third saw Oliver hit it towards the Marlow goalkeeper, making him go down. However, Servais was there to delicately lift the ball over the lying goalie. With Staines with 2 and Marlow with 1, the Blue Army did not stop trying and eventually won a penalty flick. This was buried securely by Lee Atkinson. This ended the second half with Staines 3 Marlow 1.

The second half by the Staines boys was not up to the standard of the first half. Some passes lacked accuracy and speed. However, a short corner saw a shot by Oliver rebound of the goalkeeper to allow James Hall to slot home his first of the season. Soon after, a daring run was made by left back Jerry Gardien from the half way line After beating several players, Jerry slotted the ball into the goal from the top of the D to notch up his first league goal in 8 years (Greenway, you're not having this one)!

Banbury lost to City of Oxford at the weekend, which puts Staines in second place only two points behind Banbury. Winning the league is a definite possibility now, so let's keep up the work rate!

MOM: Rich Beeson (for successfully avoiding a yellow card hat trick)
DOD: Mik Quinlan (for general crapness)

Mik Quinlan

Mens 3rd XI

Milton Keynes 4 versus Staines 3.
Last road trip before the Christmas break, back (again) to Milton Keynes, playing at the Lord Snooty Correctional Facility in Bletchley. Chewy Patel had been promoted back into the 3rd Battalion along with Sponging Student Lees-Low. Captain Collapse returned looking pale and drawn after an intensive 3 weeks loved up with his lovely Doris. Dave Bobblehat has been put back into the mahogany cabinet with the glass front upon which is stencilled 'Break Glass in Case of Emergencies'. Chubby Shanks is missing, you may often have heard about cats who wander into garages and sheds to explore and get accidentally locked in, only to be discovered days or even weeks later. You may have been wondering why you seemed to be going down to Sainsbury's so often just lately, well, please go and check your larders. Em may have inadvertently got trapped in one. Look out for a Chubby chap with his hand stuck in a biscuit barrel.

In goal this week was the great Keith Hine. Pace O'Brien (who drives just about as fast as he runs) gave the old fella a lift as Keith didn't fancy the long drive with his failing eyesight and arthritic hip. The game started in traditional Staines fashion - all out attack and within minutes, James 'the other sponging student' Lovett charged like a wounded Rhino half the length of the pitch brushing off several tackles. He thrashed the ball into the D for Chewy to nudge it cheekily between the keepers gaping legs. We then went through an unsteady period when MK4 came back at us with determination. Fortunately Keith was on hand with several important kicks, one went back to an MK4 player (oops) but was soon cleared away anyway. He later made a fantastic save, hurtling off his line as fast as his bathchair could go, at the very edge of the D he brilliantly parried away a dangerous MK4 attack. Also in the first half he skilfully blocked another MK4 goalbound shot, the ball deflecting off his hip with a resounding clank. Clank? you may query? - Well when Keith started his career the finest protection money could buy was crafted by skilled Italian Armourers, Witches were being burned at the stake and Edward Longshanks was on the throne of England.

The MK4 pressure during the first half was mainly self generated by Staines errors, e.g. too many long balls plumbed straight to an MK4 stick. Or too much fancy dan fannying around rather than simple accurate passing and movement. Pace O'Brien got slightly frustrated and delivered an almighty bollocking to Whispering Sid, before minutes later making a similar mistake himself (oops!). Never mind, we managed to construct a number of good attacks that bore fruit. Our first short corner went like Swiss clockwork. A superb routine (as usual) by Rowley, Rengger and O'Brien resulted in a perfectly delivered slipped ball by Deano to the lurking leopard of the back post - Mr Safety, who swept it home to celebrate with his customary restraint. Soon after a P-flick was granted when a defender illegally foiled a Tart goal. Who was going to take it? Mart was now standing behind Keith so didn't appear keen. Up stepped James to nonchalantly stick it into the roof. It was then that MK4 got a goal back as Staines patchy form hit another poor moment. The first shot was blocked by Sid but our defence did not clear properly and the ball eventually fell to an open MK4 player to knock it in. Just before half time the Blue Bastions were back on our mettle, a text book speedy attack involving half the team and some good passing ended up with Mart the Tart drawing the keeper and then feeding Chewy to cut the ball into the net from an acute angle. So 4-1 at half time but fortunate to be in such a strong position. Team bollocking from Keith (keep it simple, pass....accuracy...movement. etc.)

The second half was much better, although MK4 often applied pressure, as they ought being quite a good team, Staines really had the upper hand throughout. Our goal was never really threatened and Keith had a relatively quite time sitting there with a rug over his knees sipping a mug of Horlicks, occasionally muttering 'your all crap, don't care if we're winning umpteen to one, its still crap'. You just can't please cantankerous old folk sometimes. Then a super free hit was shelled into the D by Dunners which Mart the Tart neatly clipped over the keepers shoulder for a goal. But wait Arthur has not given. Why? Arthur didn't like it, he said it did not feel right ! Justice was served when we were later granted another P-flick. Again James stepped up, this time firing it down the keeper throat, the ball deflecting into the net off his face guard. Then we won only our second short corner of the game. Again a highly professional routine was executed by the usual suspects, this time the ball was slipped to Sid who teed it up neatly for Twang Duffield to cream it into the net. With only minutes remaining Chewy Patel playing like a possessed Wookie achieved his hatrick finishing from a cross by Forrest Kercher after another lung bursting run down the wing. A very good result, 7-1 win to the boys in blue. Verdict - First half, patchy light drizzle with bright periods, second half pretty good.

Hero: Keith Hine a well deserved award for being where it counted in the first half.
Big Girls Blouse: Despite Forrest Kerchers retro trainers (Clive, you would love them) the vote went to our cuddly skipper Whispering Sid, who showed a remarkable tenacity for picking out their centre forward.

Mens 4th XI

Staines 4's v Amersham & Chalfont 3's

After last week's sickening loss to a lacklustre OMT side this week we faced the runaway league leaders Amersham & Chalfont 3rd XI. With the visitors averaging 3.5 goals a game and having only let in 5 all season we knew this was going to be a tough one.

The game started with the Amersham forwards holding a Symposium on the Appropriate Use of the Whistle during a hockey match, and kindly invited Edward to be guest speaker. Eventually a couple of greens were flashed, and the game settled down into an attractive end-to-end match.

The visitors held the upper hand for the first quarter and the pressure finally told when Phil was forced into stopping a defence splitting pass with his big foot ... Edward had no option and out came the yellow card. Fortunately this galvanised the home side and after a hast re-arrangement at the back we started to get back into the game more and more. Then as we put their defence under some pressure you could see them start to panic a little, and Richard twice pounced on weak 16 clearances, one of which led to a fantastic reverse stick strike that beat the keeper, but unfortunately cleared the bar by inches.

Then tall Simon produces a powerful drive from the top of the circle which the keeper did well to parry out to the side. Unfortunately Simon then went back into his shell and gave a performance that made Ada look like a human dynamo.

At the other end Amersham only rarely threatened and Alex slid out to block the danger on a couple of their more incisive moves. Incredibly for a table topping side their short corner routine was even worse than our pathetic attempts last week at OMT's, highlighted by their most dangerous one went straight past the stopper to their right winger near the touchline just inside our half.

Funnilly enough the half-time score was 0-0 ... only six times in a row now.

The second half started with a nasty squall pelting into the Staines faces, but we drove through it with commendable vigour. With Phil back on and Danny and Martin keeping their defenders moving we started to create some spaces, especially down the left wing. Amersham were still doing all their fancy reverse stick passes but now under pressure and without looking ... and by shear work rate alone we started to stifle their midfield. We started to dominate the game and Danny finally broke though towards goal. Then he remembered that he used to work at the local Dairy and decided it was time to bottle it ... and he shot straight at the keeper. Minutes later in a scramble in the D Chris did the same, but then Martin tried to drag the ball away from the keepers pads only to be stopped by the Amersham front-row forward diving over the ball ... what only a short corner !!! Short Simon scored ... ruled out already blown for a short corner ... then another shot kicked off the line surely a flick ... no yes you guessed it Edward had already blown for a short corner. If I here him whistling in the bar ...

Then as if you wouldn't have know with five minutes to go the ball breaks to their right winger, Simon (short variety obviously) ran across to cut him off but inexplicably lost control of his stick and won the local Staines Composite Caber Tossing contest by a good few yards. The winger raced on unopposed and squared the ball into the D where a first time spawny looking shot managed to hit the inside of the far post and ricochet into the back of the net. Rats 0-1. There first and only shot of the 2nd half. Indeed the first and only goal we have conceded at home this season.

Still we went back on the attack and their rearguard almost cracked, as was illustrated when their normally self-assured centre back had a fresh air shot, then another and finally a mishit as he tried to clear, but unfortunately the ball didn't break kindly for us and the game ended.

Lost 0-1.

Man of the Match : Andy Nelhams (snuffed them out up from like a altar boy with his candles)
Dick of the Day : Lanky Simon .. please write out 200 lines "I am the product of the education system's emphasis on non-competetive games, I MUST change, I MUST compete, otherwise one day I will just stop a bus stop one day and never move again ..."

Captain's Log 20011201

A much better display this week against well-tough opposition, easily the best we have played this season ... and I would say certainties for promotion. We now have a run of three games against each of the bottom three sides in the league giving us a chance to consolidate before we play the hard games later in January and February next year. Next week it is much improved Wokingham, then friendlies over Xmas, and back to league action against under-achievers Windsor and Mill Hill.

Mens 5th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Staines 1 Hounslow & Ealing 1 (League).

With both teams up at the top of the table, this was an all important league match. With Hounslow & Ealing coming hard at Staines in the first 15 minutes Staines soon stepped up the pace and took control of the game. This lead to a penalty flick being given in Staines favour because of a foul on Nicki Walsh. Melanie Attfield slotted home an excellent flick and gave Staines the lead. Staines also had 2 goals disallowed before going into half time. After a fairly even second half and with some excellent play by player of the match Ruth Hine at the back for Staines, Hounslow & Ealing got the goal back to give them the draw.

Sunday
Staines 5 Dereham 0

In the 2nd round of the HA Cup match Staines played Dereham who play in the East Premier league. After a tough game on Saturday they were able to play some excellent hockey and get a convincing win. Alex Stacey gave Staines a 2 nil lead within minutes of the game being played with some super individual skill. Staines continued to dominate play and after a strike from Nicki Walsh was stopped by the goalkeeper Melanie Attfield stepped up to swipe the ball in the back of the net. In the second half Dereham were awarded a penalty flick but were unable to score because of a fantastic save by goalkeeper Maggie Owens. Staines played some more fantastic hockey and more goals came from Sarah Chalndler and Ruth Hine. Staines once again showed their ability to win when coming up against sides in higher leagues.

Ladies 2nd XI

Staines 11 - Hampstead & Westminster 0

Some might say (in the words of a song) how many players did the opposition have with a scoreline like this, and to be fair they did only start with 9, but full credit goes to Staines who took full advantage of this and were 4 - 0 up after 10 minutes, when the rest of the Hampstead team arrived. The goal rout was started by top of the d strike by Claire Holloway after Staines were awarded a short corner minutes after starting. This was soon followed by Juliet scoring the first of her goals off a rebounded shot from Helen Major. Julia Ward then scored 2 in quick succession again of rebounded shots. Ali Shomberg then made it 5 shortly afterwards. Helen Fisher then had a great number of runs down the right wing and was rewarded with 2 goals before half time, one of which Fish was very excited about as her first goal of the season, the 2nd was very similar to that of an own goal, but Fish is claiming it as it was "going in" anyway! So it was half time, and Staines were 7 - 0. Anya was already bored at this stage after only touching the ball once, and the Staines defence was starting to push up with everyone looking to grab a goal. Really the half time team talk was about how many more we could get.

The game soon got started again and surprise, surprise before too long it was 8 - 0 with Juliet scoring another. The score line soon became 11 - 0 in a matter of 10 minutes as a floury of runs and strong balls into the d by everyone supplied Juliet to notch up 5 goals in total. Anya was a bit happier in the 2nd half when she actually managed to touch the ball again. I'd love to say who assisted in what goals, but it was hard enough trying to remember who scored what goal when, especially after a heavy Saturday night, but a mention to everyone that played (Caz, Eryl, Yvonne, Ali, Fish, Ellie, Claire, Julia, Helen M, Helen W and Juliet) who all played really well and all contributed to such a massive win!!!!!

The end of the game wasn't unfortunately too much of a celebration, as Eryl got a nasty hit in the head by a ball and Hampstead had just about had enough and threw the towel in. The game was a complete team effort and extended our lead at the top of the league. Half way through the season Staines have played 7 and won 7 and are more determined than ever to win promotion after narrowly loosing out last season. We now have a break from the league until next year!!!

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI