Match Reports For Week 20 Saturday 12th January Season 2001 - 2002

Mens 1st XI

Spencer 3 Staines 2

After a resounding victory over Lions last week, hopes were high that Staines would continue their winning ways in 2002 against Spencer. After a long and congested journey into the heart of London, all were weary as they made their way from the car park to the pitch. Without meaning to sound snobbish there is a lot to be said for having ones own pitch, and we all felt rather downhearted about having to play in a public area amongst undesirables and vagrants.

The game itself was a rather disappointing affair and after a good start that saw Staines take an early one-goal advantage, things rapidly deteriorated. Stouka had opened the Blues account with a ferocious strike from the top of the D, but Staines failed to apply any further pressure and it was not long before Spencer drew level. Ten minutes later the Blues were one goal down and well and truly under the cosh, and as tempers frayed Staines did well to keep the deficit to one by half time.

Needless to say the halftime chat was aggressive, first Andre and then Fu Mar, tried to raise the lack lustre performance of the team. The second half consequently was a lot more encouraging but Staines still lacked any real impetus when compared to the opposition. Basic errors were far to frequent, with JD, Shane and Phat Matt all doing their best to make hockey look difficult. All seemed to lack the ability to stop a ball, and rumours were riff of excessive alcohol consumption the evening before the game. All, however, insisted they had not been boozing, on reflection a wasted opportunity considering how badly they appeared to play sober.

Staines found themselves 3-1 behind early into the second half, and it always going to prove difficult to recover from such a deficit. However, the game was made interesting when Staines scored their second with only ten minutes remaining. A counter attack from a Spencer short corner saw the ball move from Chapman to Stouka to Watson and finally to Truman to put the ball into an empty net. The stage had been set for a comeback, tension was mounting and Staines continued to push forward. Unfortunately it was not to be our day, and a great save from the keeper in the dying seconds prevented any points being salvaged from the fixture.

MOM - Stouka - Great goal - Second best ever in his 88 year playing career, only bettered by the one he scored before grass was invented (A)

DOD - Truman - Should be considered for the 5's after Saturday's performance (F).

Staines 15 Harrow 1

As the score line suggests one hell of an thrashing was dealt out to Harrow on Sunday, as Staines took out all their frustrations from a loss the day before against a team three divisions below them. Although the first 20 minutes remained scoreless, a goal was then scored every 3 ½ minutes, providing ultimate entertainment for the loyal supporters who crammed the terraces.

Man of the Match - Watson - for his first hat trick in a blue shirt. Finally after 13 years of near misses and howling errors the little man at last reached a personal milestone. In hindsight was it worth the sweaty kiss and hug he got from the skipper, and the mouthful he is likely to get from Kate once she finds out Stuart has been unfaithful with another man.

JD and Neil also got in on the scoring frenzy with three goals a piece. Phat Matt and Beakerchop bagged a brace. Chappers, after setting up the first 12 goals finally got rewarded for his efforts and calmly slotted a penalty flick, possible the goal of the game, and finally Shane snuck up from the back to finish the scoring spree making it 15. Not a bad way to spend a Sunday really!! Commiserations to all those who did not score, Adam, Liam, Stouka, Duncan,Sid and Rob, and better luck for the remainder of the season.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines 2 Mill Hill 1
This week's match saw the second coming of Mill Hill. With a 3-0 win under their belts the first time around, the Blue Army had to make sure they were not complacent. Right from the first whistle, Staines piled on the pressure. After 5 minutes Jimmy Hall showed some silky skills to move into the D with the ball and bury it in the back of the Mill Hill goal to put Staines 1-0 ahead. Unfortunately there were to be only 5 more minutes of quality play, whereupon Staines decided to make it hard for themselves by trying for the long ball on too many occasions, failing to find a blue stick. This included a pass to the centre forward, who probably couldn't believe it was Christmas so soon, and won a short corner. The solid Staines defence did well to keep out the short, only to give another away. Again, Staines kept the short corner out but gave away a third. This final of the trio of short corners awarded was converted by Mill Hill to end the first half 1-1. The second half started well, with Staines applying good pressure on the Mill Hill defence, but with few shots on target. The Blue Army managed to win a short corner. Pushed out by Gardien, stopped by Nelhams, passed to Atkinson who passed it back to Oliver. Oliver's huge wind up fired the ball towards the left post of the Mill Hill goal. Despite being the worse for wear from the night before, the power behind the ball was sufficient to go past the goalie and pinball off both feet of a Mill Hill defender to go in, putting Staines 2-1 up. Staines managed to hang on for the win, despite making hard work for themselves. Mill Hill were fitter than expected but this just made the Blue Army work harder until the final whistle.

Next week is City of Oxford. We will have to work harder and play smarter. Let's get out of this league!

MOM: James Hall
DOD: Dave "Captain Calamity manoeuvre" Hurd

Mens 3rd XI

Mill Hill 3's vs. Staines 3's.
With 'Sponging Student 2 Lovett' being away this week the average age of the team shot up to 42 & 3/4. Porno Hudson returned, exceptionally well kitted out, modelling the latest fashion in away shirts. Big Keith could not claim to be the oldest on this road trip as Alec Cumming strutted round shouting "Whose the Daddy now !" carrying a snooker ball in a spare sock in case anyone dare challenge him. So it was off to the fragrant atmosphere of Brent Cross to cross swords with Mill Hill 3. On arrival we noticed that two of our arch rival teams were knocking seven bells out of each other on the adjacent pitch, eventually the result going in what can best be described as our favour, which was nice.

The whistle blew for the start and true to form the temporarily in white battalion of the blue army quickly won the ball and surged forward. Several minutes of repeated assaults on the Mill Hill D culminated in Chewy swatting away the ineffective attention of two defenders to ping a useful cross through the danger zone. Forrest Kercher arrived, with a whiff of scorched plastic in the air, in a timely manner at the far post to tidy the ball into the net. Staines pressed on the attacks, hitting the post, near misses going begging, goal disallowed, and then we won a P-flick, hurrah! Mart the Tart stepped up whilst everyone else ran away. He was poised, he was ready, he flicked, he hit the bloody post!

Mill Hill fought back strongly inspired by this let-off, despite Staines apparently having the upper hand, the Hill Street Mob put together some dangerous attacks mainly via their lively centre forward. This chap was giving 'Pid' a torrid time and several times managed to evade our normally ferocious centre back, eventually resulting in gaining an equaliser. Keith did his best, fast out to meet the threat, but the throbbing great V8 engine we have fitted to his bath chair just wasn't enough on this occasion. Shortly before this however, Staines suffered a tragedy of our own. A lively attack was developing down the right, Gizz claiming the ball and setting off on a sprint. Suddenly there was a loud bang, birds flew up from the trees in panic, smoke and flames billowed from the Gizz ankle. We heard the call from our brave comparderie "Mayday, Mayday, I've lost control, will stay with her to make sure she does not hit the houses !" Then an earth shaking thud. Poor Gizz survived the crash but was severely damaged, his Achilles tendon had unravelled in spectacular fashion. Lets hope that he's back in full hyperactive Giraffe mode soon. The half ended at 1-1 with Mill Hill battling hard on equal terms with Staines.

The second half was not pretty, both sides doing lots of big hits to relieve pressure. There was frustration at thwarted attacks and irritation that the Hill had the temerity to threaten our goal. We almost went 1-2 down but Keith got the V8 Bath Chair out quickly, smothering their centre forward with his tartan blanket, although Mill Hill managed to force the ball to trickle inexorably towards our goal. Fortunately there was enough time to allow Mr Safety to clear the D and thrash the ball safely over the side line. Despite considerable periods of possession the white Blue Army could not find the net until with only 10 minutes remaining Dunners created the relief. He drove to the back line, hand-braked it round and slipped the ball towards the p-spot where the Tart slotted home comfortably. Mill Hill were unbowed and immediately launched a big aerial to start an attack. To cries of INCOMING! it plummeted towards Pace O'Brien, Dean prepared to receive. He shuffled left, he shuffled right, 'I've got it' he said. 'Oh no you haven't shouted the crowd in Panto mode - and they were right. Somehow the defence eventually managed to clear the danger, which was really the Hills last throw of the dice. Although the few short corners we had won up to now came to nought, eventually we converted one with just two minutes to go. The ball was slipped to Chewy for him to neatly tap it to the middle where the Tart coolly clipped it over the prostrate keeper. A 3-1 win keeps the unbeaten bandwagon rolling. It was not pretty stuff but ultimately we were effective. As is the custom, we went back to their clubhouse and ate all their food.

Hero: Dunners again, despite shouting a lot and using lots of words that are not suitable for a family publication.
BGB: Could have been Mart for the missed flick, could have been Vince for the new haircut (very military), could have been Sponging Student Lees-Low for his horrible socks. For the consummate skill and confidence demonstrated in dealing with an aerial threat, and having deep and meaningful conversations with the Hill's lady umpire Deano gets it.

Mens 4th XI

Staines 4th Xi v Mill Hill 4th XI
Date: 12-Jan-2002

At 2:30 we took the field against a weakened Mill Hill 4th XI for who we only recognised about 5 players from previous meetings. The rest of the players were from the Mill Hill 5th XI - who had to be pulled out of their scheduled fixture in Windsor. All this because a few players had gone skiing, others were at a stag weekend, some had the flu, some were playing for West Hampstead (time to get real guys - how long ago was that!), some had to stay in to wash their hair, some were washing their cars .. I mean how many excuses do you need. Keith upon his return from the 3rd XI's victory in Mill Hill confirmed that five of the players who inflicted an early season defeat on us were now elevated to the Mill Hill 3rd XI, including their hatrick hero that day.

The game started with Staines on the attack, lots of possession but no clear chances. Several times in this phase of play Simon trod on the ball, or the final pass was too strong , etc etc. Then after a about 15 mins we won a short corner, Phil stopped cleanly, slipped it to Martin on the near post loop, who was half tackled by the defender coming off the post, but Martin was just that bit more determined and he forced the ball inside the post. Five minutes later and and Phil's reverse stick was saved by the keeper ... but Gordon was on hand to tuck it away. A few minutes later and another shorty .. this time a slip right and Mike struck a first-time shot low into the corner .. 3-0 and only 25 mins gone. Note that this was Mike's first goal for Staines in just over a season and a half ... hooray !

Typically we then let Mill Hill have a couple of breaks, and from one they were awarded a hit from just outside the D. They shelled it in, nobody touched it ... well apart from Alex in goal, who then compounded his error by opening his legs slightly to kick the ball clear, only to see the unmarked centre forward touch the ball under his foot and into the goal. Before half-time we saw another break from Mill Hill almost result in another goal. At the other end the visiting keeper was leaping around his D like a loony , but very effective he was at keeping us out.

Half-time: 3-1. No ranting spit-fired team talk from Gordon, but this time a well thought out team tactical coaching session about how to work the ball around the back if necessary, and how to make space to score in a D crowded with 9 defenders and a fast goalkeeper.

Only a few minutes into the 2nd half and a ball was shelled into the D and Mike running through managed to collect the ball with his stick between his legs and fall over .. but in the melee the ball was expertly centred for Martin to sweep home his second. 4-1. The keeper, convinced that the ball had hit Mike's foot, was not amused and vented his anger at Edward. The basic theme of the rant was that Edward was somewhat of the same persuasion as the infamous Big Chief Yellow Belly. Edward responded by flashing a yellow card. The keeper didn't mind as he ambled over to the sideline, and was enjoying a fag break when Gordon slapped Staines 5th goal past their kicking back. The keeper was just brewing up his post-fag cup of tea when he was told to resume.

Despite this little tantrum the keeper was still easily the man of the match as he repeatedly got in the way of shots, flicks and one-on-ones. He must have been black and blue in the morning. Edward was now concerned about Wheezy the Mill Hill left back, as his face got more and more ashen with every attack, and at one stage even held up a short-corner to allow him to get his breath back.

At 5-1 we suffered a bit of a lull as now the game was safe. However, this was still a goal short of the 5-0 win we could have taken if Martin had not spent a couple of hours on Friday making sure that Mill Hill adhered to the league rules. More effort, more goals required.

Another break saw Mike at top right of the circle, a deft little pass inside to Martin running past the p-spot, and glory halleluiah he buried it for his first ever hatrick. Everyone was now piling forward trying to score, and soon Simon added the 7th much to his relief. (Just like Mike he hadn't scored either last season or this, although he'd been desperately close in the last few games.)

Gordon then scored again to complete his hatrick, and then the coup de grace Simon ran onto a ball a couple of yards inside the D and roofed a flick high into the net.Simon then had two or three more chances to complete the third hatrick of the match, but instead of just placing it into the corner he tried to reproduce his wonder flick on each occasion, only to see the keeper much to good to let another one in. Hatrick avoidance ?!

Final score: 9-1

Heros: Voting was erratic this week with nobody with a clear majority, and still a couple of votes to be collected. Also a special mention to Bav who did very well on his 4th XI debut.
Zeros: Its a hard life when you are a keeper, and Alex was harshly, in my opinion, well in the lead in the Dick of the Day votes.

Captains Log 20020112

What a load of rubbish, should have been double figures! But seriously, a much improved attacking display. However there are still plenty of things to work on in training this week. Now the season get tough again with the visit of high-flying neighbours Ashford next week, and then the long-distance trip to those perennial homesters Banbury. We cannot really afford to lose either of them if we are going to get back into the promotion fight.

One final mention to the Mill Hill players from their 5th XI, who had been badly let down by their higher team players, but who were gracious in defeat and keen to learn about improving their game. Keith and Gordon pointed them at various websites etc, and we wish them all the best for the rest of the season.

Mens 5th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Ladies 2nd XI

Staines 2 - West Hampstead 0

Well after not playing as a team since the 1st December, due to various cancellation of games, we were ready for this first league match of the year. It was an early start for us on Sat when we treked over to BrentCross, but at least everyone managed to get there without getting lost, Yvonne clearly got a A to Z for Xmas! The game got started and West Hampstead applied a lot of pressure on us straight away. Apparently they felt sick with worry about playing us, as our unbeaten run and goal difference has obviously been well discussed in our division. However, we took the pressure and applied our own and played some lovely hockey to show why we are top of the table! It was just before half time when Staines converted a short corner with a goal from Lizzy O'Neill (making her first
league debut of the season). Staines dominated the second half and were
awarded with another goal towards the end of the match after Alison Schomberg scored our 2nd of the match. Caz, Yvonne and Jo the Nutter Smith were rock solid in defence and for not the 1st or 2nd time this season, Anya went a whole game without touching the ball. All in all a good start back and with 7 points clear at the top of the table, we take on Ashford this weekend!!!

Player of the match: Tie between Fish and Caz

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI