Match Reports For Week 22 Saturday 26th January Season 2001 - 2002

Mens 1st XI

Staines 5 Tunbridge Wells 2

Scorers for Staines: Matt Truman (2) Stuart Hall (1) James Chapman (1) Jon Dodwell (1)

A convincing first half performance by the Swans, was enough to erase any hopes of a Tunbridge Wells upset. Some superb hockey in difficult conditions saw the Blues reach half time 4 - 1 up, thanks to great finishing by Matt Truman (2), Stuart Hall (1) and James Chapman (1). The second half started in a similar fashion with Staines extending their lead thanks to a superbly timed run by Jon Dodwell, that saw him finish with precision and power. Staines squandered further opportunities to extend their advantage; Robbie Watson usually so solid in front of goal was particularly guilty as he failed to take advantage of an open net and shot hopelessly wide. Regardless of a below average second half performance, Staines finished deserved winners 5 - 2, and look forward to continuing their winning ways as they apply pressure at the top of the league, which in all accounts is now a three horse race.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines v Gerrards Cross
Match Abandoned after 40 minutes (Staines were 1-0 up)

Little to report other than a pretty poor team performance in dreadful conditions. Nevertheless, we did dominate with seven short corners to their none. Our final short corner on the stroke of half time after a scramble, was converted by South Efreecan Rich who was later devastated to learn that it will not count towards his meagre season's total.

Andrew Oliver

Mens 3rd XI

Staines 3's vs. Milton Keynes 3's.
It has been a long time since the consummate exhibitors of exciting hockey, Blue Army 3rd Battalion, graced the turf at the Stade de Illuminaire. This game was to prove exciting but not quite in the manner we normally wish. Milton Keynes were our opposition and a powerful team, so we were expecting a difficult test. The weather was also testing, driving wind and rain lashing the stadium and soaking everyone to the skin within minutes. Our umpire Mick looked like an out of work trawler skipper, well wrapped in his oil skins with just a slit for his eyes to peer out of. MKs stayed in the changing rooms until just minutes before the push back was due, planning their tactics and keeping their powder dry. The Blue Army warmed up purposefully, in the wet, getting acclimatised; and then removed the protective oily rags from our muskets and prepared to charge.

For the first few minutes the game ebbed and flowed across the whole pitch, MKs showing they could be fast on the attack and had a number of skilful players at their core. Staines impressive bastions proved as impregnable as Britney Spears virginity, swatting away MKs probing with impunity. Staines attacks were more than fast, Forrest Kercher and Dave Bobblehat scorching up and down the wings being ably supported by our powerful midfield, Dunners and the two Sponging Students - Lees-Low and Lovatt. James briefly had to go off after being shot through both knees, but after being patched up was able to continue. Staines early domination culminated in the only goal of the half, 10 minutes in. Sergeant Major Dunners plumbed the ball through to Bobblehat who like a greased whippet left several defenders trailing, before firing the ball with pin point accuracy into the goal. The rest of the half was largely spent in the MKs half but again Staines missed some good goal chances and failed to convert several short corners. MKs periodically threatened, but the most they got was a couple of shorts, which were comfortably snuffed out.

The second half was somewhat eventful. MK's showing continued resilience in defence and more aggression on the offence. 'Pid' worked hard to neuter their centre forward, Zulu Crowe and Mr Safety doggedly pounced on anything in a white shirt, Pace O'Brien swept up the bits and kept everything neat and tidy at the back. Up front the Blue Army persevered, building attack after attack, but the second goal was a long long time coming, derived from two quality long ball passes. Mr Safety drove a side-line hit through to Dunners, who quickly lashed an accurate pass onto Mart the Tart at their D (in an instant Staines had turned defence into a goal chance). The Tart turned in space and neatly slotted home past a rooted keeper.

Unfortunately the next MKs attack stimulated their comeback. A fast break forced Keith to launch the V8 Bath Chair, unfortunately in the wet, slippery conditions, it proved difficult to control resulting in a P-Flick being awarded to MKs. In the face of a weakly taken flick, Keith managed to flop the right way, collapsing gracefully like a dying Rhino, the ball struck his chest but managed to trickle into the net. We had a bit of trouble getting him upright, so we are going out to contract with some Robot Wars engineers to have a SRMech (Self Righting Mechanism) fitted to his Bath Chair (we might also think about a pneumatic axe!). Soon after we were awarded a P-Flick of our own. Who is going to take it ? Blue shirts could be seen hurdling the fence and disappearing behind the earth mounds. The Tart was having none of it, Sgt Major Dunners said "Feck-off". So up stepped the boy Lovatt who had notably decapitated the keeper the last time he took one. Not this time, another missed opportunity for Staines, perhaps having his Dad watching, put him off his stroke. MKs were rejuvenated and looking for an equaliser which they got by pressuring our midfield into a dangerous pass back, despite some desperate defending MKs managed to force the ball through Keith's legs, passed the tangle of catheter tubes and colostomy bags and into the net. Now they really were fired up and Staines had to prove we could overcome this adversity. Our defence was vigorously tested by MKs in this final 10 minutes of end to end hockey, but repelled all attempts with the aid of much sweat and indomitable spirit. Staines continued to launch well crafted attacks, inspite of frustration at more unconverted shorts and more missed open goals (Forrest, that is a stick in your hands - not a frying pan). Eventually shear dogged determination paid off when Dunners (again) threaded a teasing pass to Mart the Tart at the top of their D. A ferocious shot rebounded off the keepers toe right into Forrest's path as he scorched into D, with trainers ablaze. For a heart beat the world stopped - could he finish or would his shot worry the corner flag? Their keeper was prone and scrabbling to get to the ball, Forrest, cool as a cucumber lifted the ball over the keeper and SCORED - What a Hero !!!! This was a fine battling performance in the face of powerful opposition to gain our 3-2 victory.

Hero: Nine players were nominated which indicated the level of commitment shown throughout the team, but as a hero in the true sense, for the winning goal Forrest Kercher was awarded.
Big Girls Wotsit: It became immediately clear that this was a two horse race. Some dodgy lobbying and gerrymandering by the veteran keeper saw the vote swing just enough to Forrest. The question being what is his effective range when shooting ?

Mens 4th XI

Banbury 3's v Staines 4's
Date: 26th January 2002

And it came to pass that God spoke to Noah and told him to build an Ark as it would rain as nobody had seen it rain before. So Noah built his ark and the trusty Staines 4th XI set sail for Banbury along the river M40. With the rain belting down a problem arose, the home goalkeeper was not ready and the game was held up for 25 mins whilst they located the key to the kit cupboard! Considering the conditions I suppose we should have set sail back to Staines claiming the 5-0 win, but hey we are honest decent folk who want to win games fair and square .. if only everyone was the same.

Big Chief Yellow Belly was nowhere to be seen, and hopes were high for his successor, Little Chief White Beard. The game started and it was Staines who moved forward with confidence and put the home defence under early pressure. The pitch was slow and sticky with all the rain and Gordon and Chris were finding it difficult to dribble past the home defenders. Not to worry repeated stick tackles and feet in the D were rewarded by an early batch of short corners. Unfortunately Gordon couldn't get the release he wanted, Phil's sticky stick was more like a bar of soap in the wet, and eventually after the stop the ball was propelled too fast and too far in front of Mike on the slip. More good moves saw Gordon bursting though into the D, then SMASSSHHHHH ! went the stick tackle, only a short corner, no long blast on the whistle, no cards ... where is Edward when you need him !!! A bit later Chris avoids having his legs chopped away by another scything stick tackle, another short corner, no cards, no flick ... where is that Edward ... how come they still have 11 on the field. Then a breakaway by Banbury but its easily snuffed out. Then another a few minutes later. This time the ball is fired across the D at 100mph and it flicks off a defenders foot and out for a sideline hit ... much to the fury of the home players who wanted a short corner .. but there was no advantage gained. A minute later the ball was fired in and their forward blatantly controlled the ball with his feet, he played on and laid it back and a resultant shot was blocked on the line by Nick's foot ... decision was a P-Flick. I say, where is Edward when you need him?? What a display of honour by the boys in Red ... and their post-match justification ... its happened to them three times this season so now they are only two bad decisions down ... fat lot of good that for us.

However, with the short corner count about 8-2 in our favour we really should have been level by half-time, but credit to Banbury who did defend well, but we were a bit short of width. Half-time 0-1

The second half saw Staines spreading the play a bit more, but now chasing the game we were leaving a few gaps at the back. Sid convalescing on his way back from injury was given a couple of roastings by their nippy little left winger, and then capped off a bad ten minute spell by sheelling a 16 straight to their centre forward on the 25. The ball was switched right and left and then a fantastic shot was powered high into the net from near the top of the circle. Now we were in trouble, and Banbury could taste the blood and went at us like a school of Piranhas, but with Alex making some good stops we held on and started making progress again towards the home D. Andy, playing left wing, centre back and right back made a charging run down the right flank only to be denied at the expense of another short corner. Phil having a bad day at the office gave up his stopping duties to Andy - but still no joy. Still a quarter of the game to go so we are still in with a chance. We win a sideline hit just inside our half we all run forward, and just as we all get into position, Little Chief White Beard signals the other way and allows the Banbury player to pass the ball straight to an unmarked forward in our half ... where is, dare I say it, Edward when you need him, or for that matter Big Chief Yellow Belly.

Fortunately this time Alex's gadget arms and legs were working fine and the Banbury windmill up front was denied. Short respite however as from another Staines attack Banbury won the ball and shelled a 70 yd pass to the windmill, who dribbled into the D and unleashed a pile driver at Alex's head .. he got his gloves up and parried the ball but it fell to ground with enough spin and power to squirm though his legs and into the goal ,0-3. Still time to get a goal back, and Simon came close with a shot from the top of the circle which he screwed wide .. let's hope we don't have to wait another season and a half for another goal ... maybe he's dried up!! Two more short corners, now with Martin stopping, sees Andy fizz one wide of the right post, and another sets up Mike perfectly on the slip ... but still it doesn't go in.

Heros: Alex easily won for his second half display, with Andy his nearest challenger.
Zeros: Nick (struggling with flu and sickness) and Sid (struggling for match fitness) tied

Captains Log : 20020126

Drats! A good start undone by some dodgy umpiring, but also by the pathetic short corner statistics, we must of had about 15 to their 4 or 5, and we didn't score one !!! Although the score was flattering to them we didn't pass the ball enough, and never really marked their midfield general and centre forward tight enough. Loads to work on this week in training. Next Boyne Hill and then the lovely trip to Milton Keynes, who after six games unbeaten are rapidly becoming a dark horse for promotion.

Mens 5th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Southgate 0 Staines 2 (League).

In attrocious weather conditions Staines Ladies faced an important game at this stage of the season - a top of the table clash. Staines made a positive start and put pressure on Southgate's defence but were unable to convert a goal in the first half, despite having 2-3 or short corners. The second half was all to play for. Staines stepped up a gear and had a lot of possession. A penalty corner saw a cracking finish by Lou Delaney from an acute angle. Staines continued to push forward adding attack after attack. Kerry Maskery then put another cleverly past the Southgate defence, the keeper was left standing. Player of the match Ruth Hine absorbed all of the Southgate pressure and totally dominated the defensive play, inspiring a solid performance from her fellow defenders. An important win that could see Staines go top of the table.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI