Match Reports For Week 24 Saturday 9th February Season 2001 - 2002
Mens 1st XI
A convincing home performance against Old Kingstonians secured another three points for the Swans this week. Staines got off to the best possible start, dominating the game from the opening whistle and quickly turning possession into goals. Matt Truman, continued his goal scoring form by opening the Blues account with a deflection that screamed into the roof of the net. Not to be outdone, his strike partner Neil Toulson was soon to join him on the score sheet with an equally good deflected goal, and Sid Hughed made it three within ten minutes, after OK's failed to clear their lines. Staines appeared to take their foot of the gas for the remainder of the first half and OK's pulled a goal back to make the score 3-1 at half time. The second half saw the Blues put the game out of OK's grasp when James Chapman scored a rebound from a short corner to secure the three points and thus maintain pressure on league leaders Oxted.
On Sunday Staines faced North Notts in the last 16 of the HA Trophy. A large
crowd watched as both teams fought it out for a place in the quarter finals.
A very physical encounter, finally saw the Blues class and fitness over power
the away team, with a deserved 6 - 2 victory. Matt Truman once again benefited
from superb service from the mid field scoring 4, whilst Mike Farmer and Robbie
Watson contributed with impressive solo efforts.
Mens 2nd XI
Hayes 2's vs Staines 2's
1-1
After the disappointment of last weeks draw with Sunbury, Staines were
looking to get back to winning ways. Having starved in the field the
previous outing Saturday's feast looked to be well prepared. The pre
dinner drinks was a vintage champagne combining body, character and
efferfesance. Staines drank long and enjoyed reward with a short
corner cork-er from Andrew Oliver. The table was laid with the finest
linen and the party apparel moved freely over the surface
unfortunately the problems for the blues came when the Hors d'ouevres
came around. Through confusion and bewilderment the filling began to
affect Staines play and the party atmosphere degenerated into a free
for all beer swilling college get together. Rash moments from all the
Staines guests allowed the hosts plenty of room to mingle, one such
moment allowed Hayes to even up the score latching onto a faupa from
the Dutch Socialite Jerry (unused to English customs - apart from at
the airport !!). The party never really took off for the guests
although they did receive the tastier of the starting courses. With
the 2nd main array beginning the master of ceremonies began to be a
little rowdy - after aperitifs and plenty of wine the real action
began. Through unfortunate circumstances Harvey's knife was stuck
under his plate, with the waiters and fellow guests around, the
natural order would be to wait a few moments and start again - however
the Master rashly forced the issue and transpired to cause a pea-flick
(apologies). Thankfully with Harvey now free he was able to save the
day and allow the guests further embarrassment. Again the Master
intervened and issued a formal warning - as ever the gentleman Harvey
turned the other cheek but this was harshly dealt with and he was
banished to the kitchen with a yellow dish cloth. Mark Lees-Low took
up the mantle of fitting into the conversation in Harvey's absence and
was never troubled - although his suit was a little ill fitting. Late
into the evening and the Master was getting drunker and drunker
liberally waving his Green Shield Stamp book as a particular insult.
Good formation dancing from Beeson, Greenway, Atkinson and Duffield
couldn't capitalise from the introductions of Lloyd and Co. In the end
the guests never managed to win the affections of Miss Victory and
although close couldn't take her home. On the whole a wasted evening
as the guests drove away reflecting on opportunities lost. With the
Banbury's hosting a more successful event down the road it means that
the Invitation to the MBBO Champions Ball is as close as ever with the
nouveau riche still holding the upper hand.
Mens 3rd XI
Staines 3's vs. Aylesbury 3's.
After last weeks bruising encounter with Sunbury, the battle hardened veteran
3rd Battalion were hoping for an easier encounter this week at the Stadium of
Light. Aylesbury arrived and immediately put themselves forward as candidates
for the Big Girls Blouse by getting changed in the ladies changing room. Mr
Safety pointed out their error and the red faced Aylesbury boys quickly moved
camp, before Sarah the Beast could trap them inside ! Uncle Fester returned
to third team duties, it has been some time but we coached him through the various
tasks - get a match ball, wear an armband, toss a coin etc. Also back (and fortunate
to get straight back in, due to a shortage of players this week) were Chewy
Patel and Porno Hudson fresh back from badly planned skiing holidays. Our Umpire
today was Mr J Howell of the famous Howell umpiring dynasty.
With the low sun to our backs the Blue Army advanced steadily creating some
good early chances. Forrest's astro melting pace created mayhem in Aylesbury's
back line, soon gaining us an early short corner. Now we will see if all that
training ground practise will bear fruit. Rowley, Rengger, O'Brien as usual
initiated the routine - amazing! the new slip routine worked a treat with Forrest
Kercher finishing at the back post from his best range of 3 inches. The half
progressed, but Staines at times looked a little jaded, allowing Aylesbury to
threaten our '25'. Thankfully our Bastions remained on good form repelling the
invaders and coping well when Uncle Fester shelled free hits right back to their
attackers. The Old Fella was in determined mood, desperate to claim the holy
grail of goalkeeping - a clean sheet. After an MOT and a re-tune the V8 Bath
Chair was looking very nippy. Keith's pneumatic axe whacked up and down to good
effect. On the attack, we seemed to fart about too much, the telling final ball
was not happening. We still carved out some good opening's via the Boy Lovett
and Forrest but couldn't seem to hit the target. However several more short
corners were won and another new option resulted in our second goal. Usual set
up but this time Rowley cheekily injected short to Porno Hudson, advancing just
inside the D he put the ball across the face of the goal as planned, but actually
scored due to a wicked deflection off a defenders desperately flailed stick.
So 2-0 at half time and we needed to get a grip.
"FECK...Drink!. Feck Arf !.....Arse. Feckety, fecking feck ! " was
more or less the team talk delivered by Sgt Major Dunners. Adding to this, with
his cantankerous gland throbbing fit to burst Keith waded in with the "its
crap, your all crap, if you weren't so crap we would be 5-0 up by now"
speech. Even Whispering Sid could hardly get a word in edgeways. Mart the Tart
hid behind the backboard - despite grafting away, he was not hitting the target,
if he had thrown himself at the floor he would probably have missed. So with
fresh resolve to sharpen up our act we lined up for Part 2.
Indeed the second half was much better and we managed to deliver some entertaining
hockey for the growing crowd watching under the wintry sun. Pace O'Brien looked
very happy to be back in the right-back slot, cantering about with a spring
in his fetlocks. At one point he found himself deep in the Aylesbury D after
a particularly good attacking move, but was unable to turn and shoot. Staines
attacks still couldn't find the net. Chewy fell asleep on the wing, only to
be awoken when an Aylesbury defender accidentally trod on him, so he took himself
off to go and have an uninterrupted snooze elsewhere. Fortunately the Staines
short corner routines were deadly resulting in two more goals. The first Mart
the Tart, despite being cloths-lined by the on rushing defender, managed to
slip the ball to the Boy Lovett to finish. The second was a sweetly struck rocket
into the corner by Pace O'Brien. Aylesbury regularly launched attacks largely
to little avail, although they had their moments. Pid made several important
tackles to neutralise threats; and when a short corner broke down allowing Aylesbury
to break away, Mr Safety sprinted the length of the pitch (overtaking our sweeper
who looked like he had selected reverse by mistake), to make the saving tackle
in our D after Keith had forced the attacker wide.
Eventually Staines proved they can score from open play. Mr Safety won the ball
and quickly released to Zulu Crowe on the wing. Rod made amends for an earlier
glaring goal miss (the cries of EEEYYORR!!! were still echoing around the ground)
by delivering a defence splitting pass to the Boy Lovett. James superbly thrashed
in his shot for the fifth and final goal. A last minute flurry by Aylesbury
in their death throws almost breached the Staines defence, but the V8 Bath Chair
screeched into action and along with some grimly determined defending cleared
the threat. The unbeaten 3rd Battalion march onwards with this 5-0 victory,
nothing can stop this juggernaught now.
Hero: Several worthy candidates this week, including the Old Fella - who at
long last has got his clean sheet to add to the ones the district nurse brought
him this morning. But for a very good effort and two goals the Boy Lovett was
duly awarded.
Poncy Big Jessie of the Day: Again several prime candidates, starting with an
hilarious pre-match comedy moment when Porno Hudson forgot how to undress himself,
falling arse over tit trying to remove his track suit trousers. The Tart was
in the frame for a bad day at the office. Chewy Patel attracted votes for having
his mind still on the Après Ski - apparently this involved whipped cream
and some ladies nipples, but I digress. Ultimately it went to the chap who today
made Pace O'Brien look like lightening, the brave soul who with unerring accuracy
can pick out an opposing attacker with a sweet free hit, none other than our
loved up Captain Collapse - Sid.
Mens 4th XI
Milton Keynes 5th XI v Staines 4th XI
Lord Grey's School - 16:30 pm !!!!
Always a tough game against MK's, and this was always going to be one of those. MK's had been unbeaten since November when the talismanic Fat Agassi returned to give some needed backbone, beer belly and width to their leaky defence.
We set off on the long hall to MK's - well it did seem a long way in Kingsley's 100cc Racing Rickshaw - and we were held up at Toddington services as we had to do a compulsory 10 minute walkabout to allevaiate any possible danger of Deep Vein Thrombosis setting in.
Upon arrival at MK's Chris made the first bid for Dick of the Day (literally) by turning up without any shorts ... followed by Nick's sartorial elagance of combat gear and oatmeal T-shirt ...but how smart those boys in their new away kit look - was that white with essence of pink !!!
The game started ... 1-0 Milton Keynes ... eh what's up ... yep within the first minute their centre forward carved his way though the defence and after a rebound the ball was rifled in from the top right corner of the D. A couple of minute's later 2-0 ... no hang on a minute they've missed this time. What is going on. A quick check on the player count - it is 11 v 11 ... but there's Andy playing the midfield sweeper role just in front of the back ... Andy its supposed to be OUR back 3 not THEIRS !!! He was playing so high he could have been playing Prince at a royal after-pub drinking and smoking party!
A couple of adjustments were made and suddenly the game changed. Now it was the white, pink and oatmeal army who charged forward with some fantastic slick passing through midfield. Kingsley was particularly relaxed after his leisurely drive up the motorway and used his excess energy to devour miles and miles of astro as he galloped freely down the left wing ... and at a pace that you could see his car visibly wincing at in the car park. Inevitably we won some short corners as the pressure started to build on the home side defence. From one the ball was slipped left then it came back across the goal and Chris touched home 1-1.
Shortly after Andy's presence in the D (where else would he be) saw him tidy up another short corner ... 2-1.
We were now rampant and ripping the home side to shreds like we did a few weeks ago to Ashford. First Gordon almost scored at the back post, then Martin intercepted a 16, drove into the top of the D but hit a squirty low hook shot wide of the near post. Andy scythed forward once more and his cross was just a fraction away from being touched home by Phil on the p-flick spot. At the other their were a few flourishes as the MK front men used their stick skills and pace, but with James standing firm we went in at the break 2-1 up.
The second half started in true ding-dong fashion and barely five minutes in we won another short. Phil stopped it put his stick on top of it took a five second nap and the releaseed the ball to the right, the ball was worked back to Gordon at the back post ... 3-1 yesaaaagggggghhhh !!!! Massive arm pumping dissolved into dis-belief as we approached the halfway line ... their umpire was signalling for a 16 because apparently the ball had not been stopped ! Obviously the Lord Grey School is leaning onto the Banbury side of Milton Keynes ... nudge nudge ...no tittering now. If that ball wasn't stopped then Fat Agassi hits a ball like a girl.
Inspired by their "lucky" escape MK's chucked another man up and went hell for leather for an equaliser. the game swung from end to end ferociously but Staines were still creating the better chances. The home side had sorted themselves out and were much better organised at defensive short corners - so no joy there. Then they started to get a bit more penetration into our D and won a couple of shorts which were easily snuffed out, but then with 15 mins to go a quick break by MK's - some good stick work - and some diving in - the ball was worked to back stick, and unmarked, their forward lifted the ball skillfully over Alex as he scrambled across the goal 2-2.
Both sides needed a win to exert maximum pressure on the Banbury and Ashford, and chances were created at both ends. Our best chance came late on as we charged into their D and a piledriver shot was cleared by the keeper towards Kingsley .. but at nipple height .. he just got his stick up in time to control the ball .. and the umpire amazingly blew for a 16 ... I don't know how he can sleep at night .. or find his bed for that matter. After a couple of scares at our end we won a short corner ... and the whistle sounds ... everyone up. The ball is slipped right and Slim Boy charges out like a herd of elephants and triumphantly blocks the cross shot ... the ball spins up in the air but never leaves the D .. Martin picks up the ball to shoot .. the whistle has gone for the end of game .. why we don't know. Result 2-2.
Due to late hour the after match voting was not completed ... I'll chase up during the week.
Captain's Log 20020209
After the worst possible start what a fantastic attacking display for the last
25 mins of the first half. The only thing that was missing was the killer third
goal .. but credit to MK's they are a tough side to beat. The good news from
around the grounds in that Ashford drew with Amersham 1-1 and Banbury got a
2-2 draw at Boyne Hill .. so no ground lost. However we have fallen into fifth
place behind Hayes on goals scored (same goal difference) as they beat improving
(sarcasm) Mill Hill 13-0 and OMT's beat Wokingham 12-0. Next week Ashford face
the tough trip to Boyne Hill MK's face Banbury and we take Hayes over breakfast
so it could be all change again at the top!
Mens 5th XI
Mens Centurions
Ladies 1st XI
Ladies 2nd XI
Staines 10 - Winchmore Hill 0
This was to be the match of the season for Staines Ladies 2nd XI, so far unbeaten in their league with an incredible goal difference of 54, only letting 1 goal in all campaign (which Anya is quick to point out that she wasn't in goal that day - clearly she has the help of Yvonne, Caz and Ez to thank for that!) A draw would have been enough against 2nd place Winchmore Hill to clinch the league championship, but we were determined to demonstrate why we are top of the league in glorious style. The pressure was applied from the start, and it was to be a day of midfield and defence decided to cash in on the goal scoring, but it wasn't until half way through the first half that Alison Schomberg opened up the scoring and from that point onwards there was no stopping Staines when Lizzy O'Neill made it 2. The next 15 minutes saw Claire Holloway score from a short corner, and then Sarah Hamilton (aka Baldy) making her debut in the 2's made it 5 at half time . Staines continued their goal rout in the second half with Baldy scoring another 3 to take her total to 4, Lizzy O'Neill then went onto score her second, when Caroline Barnes who has been rock solid in defence all season then scored with a cracking shot on the top of the D. The defence continued their contribution to our goal tally when Eryl Penney stepped up to take a penalty flick, which she calmly and easily slotted in the left hand corner of the goal. Winning this game, meant that Staines with 3 league games still left to play have already won their league and look forward to the challenge of Division 1 next season, but are determined to complete the league victory without being beaten and not letting anymore goals in. So with still some work to go, congratulations go to the whole team for their superb team play and spirit which has been so strong all season and makes us extremely worthy league champions!!!!!
Player of the match:- Mother of all mothers.... Baldy
Ladies 3rd XI
Winchmore Hill started to turn up at 4 for a 4 o'clock game after having been
at worple road Isleworth!!! Their umpire and goal keeper kit never turned up
so thank you Mags for the use of your Kit and Colin Reed from
leaving the warmth of the club house and his beer. The game eventually
started at 4.30 and Staines were very scrappy for the first half. Janet Bailey
was there yet again to give us hope and find the goal along with a rather sterling
performance and goal from Kerry Burke created by a cross from our captain Kate
Lemon. Player of the match Kerry Burke. Final score 2:0.
Ladies 4th XI