Match Reports For Week 26 Saturday 23rd February Season 2001 - 2002

Mens 1st XI

There were more than three points at stake on Saturday as Staines played host to local rivals Ashford. As with all local derby matches, a large crowd had gathered, and tension was mounting in anticipation of the start of the game. As expected both sides began nervously which resulted in a rather scrappy opening quarter. Ashford were first to raise their game, opening the scoring after 25 minutes. Staines responded quickly and ensured the Blues would go in level at half time, after a superbly taken penalty flick from Mike Farmer.

Two yellow cards had resulted in Ashford being reduced to nine men for the start of the second half, and the Blues knew they had come out fighting to take advantage of Ashford's ill discipline. A well worked short corner saw Matt Truman finish in style to put Staines in the lead, and a superb solo effort by Liam Greene gave Staines a commanding 2 goal advantage, and the Blues were cruising. Further opportunities were squandered to extend their lead, and with 15 minutes remaining and Ashford back to full strength we all knew the game was far from over. Staines failed to retain any possession, and continuous mistakes eventually proved costly. A two goal advantage had been cancelled out leaving the score at 3-3 with five minutes to go. A draw would have been a fair result, but yet another mistake from the Blue back line led to a penalty flick, that Ashford converted in the dying minutes of the game to secure a 4-3 victory. Staines can only blame themselves for this loss, at 3-1 up the game should have been killed off, but too many mistakes and generally poor hockey have now diminished any chances of Staines finishing above Oxted this season.

Mens 2nd XI

After a confident win last week the Blue Army were keen to carry on the winning ways with a strong performance against Henley. Unfortunately due to injuries through the club the team was playing with a number of new players. With the Berkshire team in mid table the Staines team were confident of a result if not without a struggle. The first 5 minutes generated confidence as the league leaders ran Henley ragged moving the ball well through James Lovett, Andrew Oliver and Mark Lees-Low. Like many times this season that good start however was not maintained and the team in yellow fought back to run riot through the midfield. With the Blues on the back foot the Henley pressure eventually paid off and an unmarked forward nicked in front of Harvey to deflect it into the goal. From the resulting push back Oliver gave the ball to there left winger who fed the centre forward , two goals in under 60 seconds - brilliant ?!. The first half ended poorly for Staines and they were fortunate not to be more goals down. The half time team talk was frank and the Blues agreed to give everything to make sure we earned just a glimpse of respect. The forwards of Atkinson, Greenway and now Lovett provided sterling work as the first line of defence making it difficult for Henley to get the ball up the pitch. This pressing forced a short corner and the resultant successful strike from Oliver gave Staines a lifeline. The game was evenly balanced and with good work from the Kemish brothers (Stuart and Gary) and Dave Hurd the balance was shifting to Staines. A reckless tackle from Bolton allowed Henley a Penalty Stroke and the goal allowed Henley a two goal cushion. The Middlesex club pushed on hard hit a post plus and a number of close efforts. Henley decided to sit on the lead and meant that the forwards could push on a little higher. A deflected short corner from Lovett and another wet one from Oliver made the honours even. The final 5 minutes of the game was tight but no-one made the breakthrough including a short corner for Staines on the stroke of full time. All told it was a difficult game in difficult circumstances but means the Blues drop to 2nd in the table with two points separating them and Banbury. The possible title decider is this weekend at Faulkners 13.00. All spectators very welcome

Mens 3rd XI

Staines 3 vs. Enfield 3

Team selection was very strange this week. The two's having several players still absent without a note from Clive, had to provide players to cover injuries and sickness to those old one's senile old knackerbags, Stuka and JD. This meant that after helping out the two's, the 3rd Battalion were suddenly down to eight players. Hence we had to decimate the four's to get a full eleven out, sorry Martin (Jackson), sometimes life is a s**t sandwich and you just have to take a big bite ! As befits a CHAMPIONSHIP WINNING side we had top billing at the Stadium of Light having the 2.30 pm slot. Enfield were expecting a spanking, and even with a rather different team than when we played the early season 13-0 thriller, Staines were going to oblige them.

Within minutes of the start it was clear which half most of the game was going to be played in - not ours ! Keith pulled up the handbrake on the V8 Bath Chair, poured himself a 'Pims and lemonade' and shook out the pages of his newspaper. He was not going to be busy. Our team bitch (and still the housewives favourite) helped Keith maintain a score of any faux pas by our players, towards the award of Big Girls Blouse. Very soon a Blue Army attack resulted in Mart the Tart pulling the ball back towards the top of the D, where in an acre of space Baby Rengger first timed the ball into the net to open the account. Barely was the ink dry on the umpires note pad when an almost carbon copy move resulted in Baby Renggers second. Unfortunately goals became a scarce commodity for most of the rest of the half, although numerous attempts were made. Some attempts were near misses and some were plain pathetic. Yet another Staines attack found Uncle Fester charging (well alright then, trundling) into the D, with a perfectly positioned ball set on its tee and nobody near him, he took a mighty swing - surely this must be a goal, their keeper had already involuntarily moved his bowels in fearful anticipation. But NOOOO!, Sid threw his stick against the wire fence and moved the ball about six inches with the draft from his body as it calamitously collapsed on the deck hard with a sound like a horse shi&&ing on a drum kit. Not to be out done Mart the Tart stepped up to take a P-flick awarded some time later. (They wouldn't let Mr Safety take it as they thought he would just leather it over the side line - just to be safe.) True to form and just as consistent, the Tart missed it. Late in the half Chewy converted a short corner routine (Rowley, Rengger, O'Brien as effective as usual !) to give Staines a 3-0 half time lead.

The team talk was quieter than of late, Sgt Major Dunners being away. So Keith gave then usual "If you weren't all crap we would be 6-0 up by now, and stop playing crappy wafty reverse stick shots." etc. etc. speech. So back to the battle. To be fair Enfield did actually get in our half and at regular intervals made daring attempts on our D - just to make sure our defence did not relax too much. But it was not too long before another goal arrived. Mr Safety drove the ball in towards the near post were the Tart lurked, unable to get a shot away he slipped it back for the new boy James to flick in a deserved goal on his début. At last Mart the Tart got on the score sheet after hitting the iron work, the goal keeper and the corner flag in other attempts. New boy James worked the ball into the D for the Tart to pounce and slot home. Then came the moment that probably finally clinched the BGB award for Sid. Immediately upon the restart from this goal, Enfield launched themselves at our D. The ball ran loose but never fear Sidney's here to sweep up ! With the speed and agility of a supertanker with a bust rudder our skipper tried to gain control of the ball but instead gifted it to their attacker just prior to spectacularly collapsing again (bring on more incontinent horses and drum kits, please!). The Enfield player took his shot well giving the Olde Fella no chance. Keith was not happy, he does like a clean sheet - he threw one of his colostomy bags at Uncle Fester in a fit of pique.

Deep into the half Plumber Nelhams managed to save Keith's blushes when a poor bit of goalkeeping stick work had to be tidied away under immediate pressure from a rare Enfield attack. The Plumber also took advantage of yet another beautiful short corner routine when Mart the Tart set up a flick shot which Andy buried at the second attempt. Finally Baby Rengger completed his hat trick when Chris 'the pervert' Hine (I am reliably informed that he enjoyed more than his fair share of Balinese massage girls on his last holiday) whipped in a dangerous cross which the Tart drove onto the keepers pads. The rebound went direct to Baby Rengger whose quick reflex shot found the net. The final tally being another win (well it is Saturday) at 7-1.

Hero: All the new boys worked hard and did well, but the clear winner was Baby Rengger, who owes us a jug of beer for the hat-trick. Well done.

Big Girls Blouse: This was clearly and quickly whittled down to two main candidates. A missed P-flick would normally guarantee an award, so would a missed open goal, and a wafty reverse stick miss is bound to upset Keith. This had to be compared with two bad miss-hits in front of goal, including letting go of ones stick without even hitting the ball. Plus gifting the oppo a goal, plus falling over regularly, plus letting their fat pudding number 41 grease you like you had just selected reverse gear. Captain Collapse collected the most votes.

Mens 4th XI

Bicester 3rd XI v Staines 4th XI

Coopers School

A tough game this week away to Bicester who had not lost at home since their opening home game of the season. To make things tougher we had been raped and pillaged for players late on Thursday night and our twelve was rapidly whittled down to just eight regulars. Armed with a whole twenty four hours notice and a joyful 9:30am meet time to travel to Bicester we set about shuffling through the hordes of players who couldn't resist such temptation. Amazingly we drew a blank as everyone suddenly decided that they had something better to do in the morning, if only you had called earlier in the week then I could have arranged it differently. So at short notice an SOS call was made to the 5th XI and Matty, Sohail and John Wareham were drafted in to bring the squad upto eleven.

What a welcoming pitch the Coopers School provides - situated three miles above sea-level in the Atlantic Jetstream and it seemed barely inches outside the Arctic Circle. Phil missed the first few minutes as he set off to change the DVD for the kids in the van. With Bicester playing downwind we were under the cosh for the first ten minutes in which Alex kept them at bay, and were not helped when the wind and cold proved too much for Dave's dodgy hamstring. We sent him hobbling off to left wing and dropped John Wareham back to left half and Nick back to right back. After a nervous start John soon adapted his game, and with Simon and Mike now in tandem in the middle, the home stride were struggling to make any progress through the centre. So they tried out wide but Matty and Nick were too strong there. Their chunky centre forward was having a right old tussle with Phil but Edward sorted them out in his inimitable style.

The Castrol GTX, WD40, Domestos and Vanish cocktails consumed by John and Martin started to take effect and suddenly Gordon was getting more support from midfield. We won a few short corners and Martin had an effort blocked by the keeper - which unfortunately had been intended for Gordon. One for the practice ground this week. Then another surging run into the wind saw Gordon drive upto the D, he slipped the to Martin linking up behind, his effort was blocked by the keeper who then chased after Gordon like a dog after a bitch on heat (did he really want to get that near Gordon's arse !!!). Gordon beat the keeper and the reverse stick crossshot was blocked on the line and cleared after a mad scramble. That was as close as anyone came to scoring before the break, HT 0-0.

The half-time team talk was basically, hardest part over now they are uphill into the wind, let's make more use of Dave out wide despite his injury, and let's score to keep in with a shout for promotion.

As expected we started much stronger with the wind at our backs, and Simon and Mike were now enjoying much more time and space on the ball. John revelled in the space and used hop-a-long Dave for some great give and go's. In fact if Dave had borrowed Edward's pink gear he would have made a pretty good impersonation of a Flamingo.

Sohail was taking up some good positions and put the half-time coaching tips to use and started to earn a few short corners. Despite the pressure Bicester showed why they have the third best defensive record in the leagure (only behind us and Amersham) and also their keeper was very fast off his line and very solid on the floor. Bicester were starting to get ragged and Edward showed a green card ... well they go dusty if you don't get them out regularly. Their No. 6 was warned by Edward for some persistent stick tackling and almost saw yellow when he missed everything with a big wild swing in their D - any contact with player or stick and he would have walked. Time was running out and we needed to score. The wind was so strong the goals fell over and their D was now starting to fill up with sand dunes. Under ten minutes to go and Bicester creaking under the relentless attacks conceded another short corner. Then glory as Phil's pass was blatantly stopped by a deliberate back stick with Mike ready to pounce - a flick was awarded - the first we have had this season.

Gordon stepped up - and then took up his cack-handed stance - Phil couldn't watch - pinggg! went the ball - Matty informed Phil that he'd missed and hit the post .... and then he said Nagggghhh only joking - the ball had come back off the stanchion at the back of the goal.

Minutes later and Martin intercepted a 16 slipped it to Gordon who drove on and released to Sohail who switched it back to Martin who drew the keeper and slipped a shot past him ... ping !!! .. the ball came back off the inside of the post and was scrambled away to safety.

Then right at the death Bicester won a short corner. The final whistle went. All the home side piled up to the D. The ball came out and Nick charged down the ball and collapsed in a heap. It looked really bad - like a broken ankle or something worse. But after a little while the blood was from his knee and not his ankle and it was just bad bruising on the inside of his foot. Another short corner was awarded and Gordon went back to run the loony No. 1. The Bicester stopper must have panicked as the herd of wild buffalo charged at him and he failed to control cleanly and the ball hit his foot ... game over.

Boy that was a close one - and a well earned and very hard fought victory.

Heros: everyone but especially Dave "One Leg" Lacey, John Wareham who had a blinder in the second on his debut this season, and Sohail for having a good go at replacing Chris up front.

Zeros: The 1st XI 2nd Xi and 3rd XI Captains - who don't seem to know how to use a telephone !!

Captain's Log 20020223

A fantastic win under teh circumstances. Nothing more can be said except its fantastic to see how much the 5th XI players have improved over the course of the season, and that they are definitely good enough for League action themselves next season.

Mens 5th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Staines 6 Sonning 0 (Friendly)

Staines played Sonning at home in a friendly on Saturday and played with a slightly different team and stand in goalie Jo Smith who kept a clean sheet. Staines dominated play in the first half and Jo Ive started off the scoring. Midfielders Kerry Maskery and Sue O'Connell got the second and third. Alex Stacey showed some stunning skill to get the 4th goal with a lifted strike which flew past the Sonning goalkeeper. Jo Ive and Alex both got their second to make the final score 6-0.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI