Match Reports For Week 8 Saturday 26th October Season 2002 - 2003

Mens 1st XI

Today we entertained Gore Court, an early 11.30 pushback ensured the boys from Sittingbourne would have to set off at some ungodly hour for a Saturday morning; a cheap attempt to ruffle their feathers before the game had even started.

The first half saw Staines start the strongest, and it was the Blues that took an early lead through Lord Van Beakerchop who finished calmly after a goal mouth scramble. Captain John made it two from a short corner strike ten minutes later, and Staines seemed to be in control. The game then settled as both sides probed and foraged looking for weaknesses in the other's defences. It looked as if the scoreline was to remain 2-0 at half time, but a well-taken opportunity from Gore Court ensured the Blues would go into the break with only a one-goal advantage.

The second half, by contrast was more of a free flowing encounter that resulted in a goal being scored every 3-½ minutes. Although Gore Court added three to their total, the final result was never in doubt. Staines put their foot on the accelerator, and turned on the style to entertain the crown that had now swelled into double figures. Staines added 7 goals in the second half, 4 from the wandsman Chapman, 2 from the Duke of Docklands, and 1 from the skipper, rounded of a comprehensive performance from the Blue army, 9-4.

Four yellow cards marred the game. Greenie was once again reprimanded for fighting. A classic encounter between two gingers saw them both get their matching orders after some minor hair pulling and name calling. Trumanus was dismissed for a filthy tackle, but hey, this is what happens when a forward takes it upon himself to tackle back. Mashood was dismissed for standing in the wrong half, petty, petty umpiring, but another £5 towards the club, so get in!!

A report from casualty: Ladies you will be pleased to know that although Sid opened up an old shaving injury at the weekend, reports indicate their will be no permanent scaring. However, all please be aware of extensive whisker growth around the injured area, so get in with your insults quick before the lad is able to shave again.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines went into this fixture with an air of confidence, playing Gore Court, still yet to win a point this season.
Another schoolboy error from a 16 yard hit saw the swans down witin the first 2 mintues of play, and some slack defending resulted in the second. Staines managed to pick themselves up to bring the game back to 2-2, but more errors lead to GC taking a 3-2 lead, this pattern followed (they score we equalise) up until 6-6, when staines fitness shon through to allow them to an 8-6 win. Goalscorers were Jon Dodwell (3), Lee Atkinson (2), Shane Abdul, Duncan Foster and Anton.

Mens 3rd XI

The sun shone on the righteous last Saturday as a slightly shop soiled Third Battalion lined up against the Sailors from Portsmouth. We had several players carrying injuries and unfortunately we couldn't winkle Woolyatt out of the polished mahogany emergency cabinet because his missus had first dibs and wanted his energies expended elsewhere! Very fortunately due to some superb air traffic control planning, which I had nothing to do with, we acquired the services of Neil Toulson who was delayed getting home from abroad, but therefore able to make our afternoon fixture.

The game opened in a business like way with Staines setting the pace and generally looking comfortable. Some determined and robust tackling was evident from both sides ultimately resulting in Neil getting creamed in their D and Staines being awarded a clear P-flick. Our Skipper stepped up to take full responsibility. He tested the wind, brushed a stray hair from his vision and calmly slotted the ball home - but by golly he looked relieved as he strolled back. Some more robust tackling and a few chunks of wood flying and Sponging Student Lees-Low picked up a green. Regularly Staines won short corners, all well executed routines but ultimately all came to nowt. Although Mr Safety was on target with a lovely sweep that loosened the goal keepers bowels and both Porno and Pace had near misses. Our defence proved solid, benefiting from the leisurely style of Dave Hurd at Sweeper. CoP also managed to win a few shorts but none produced a noteworthy goal attempt and were easily cleared. Staines continued to control most of the game, Mik and Mart the Tart combined well resulting in the Tart cantering across the face of their goal with the ball to calmly reverse the ball under the sprawling keeper. Within minutes Neil T was again released on a trade mark charge, he cut inside, danced around three defenders in the D, before thrashing home and then falling over just for dramatic effect. 3-0 at half time - nice.

Second half opened with a renewed push from CoP and the game notched up a few pegs on the aggressive scale. Both Umpires having to have stern words to players on both sides. As far as attacking endeavour went, CoP were trying very hard and Staines just couldn't seem to find the way to the net. An over zealous challenge by their no.12 wore out the Umpires patience so off he went for a short rest. The numerical advantage was short lived as Pid not only marked their centre forward but tried to turn him into chips by charging him into the back fence. "I never touched him" appealed Pid, as the CoP chap, eyes watering, extracted our Centre Backs stick from his arse. Big Jon Scott was not impressed and showed Pid a shiny yellow one. During this 10 minutes of carnage an ambitious Staines attack broke down and somehow CoP drove down the open middle outnumbering the lone figure of Dave Hurd. The Housewives Favourite dropped his marmite sandwich and charged out to no avail as the ball comfortably found the net just before the recovering defence arrived. Then the Notcutts sniper struck again as Mart the Tart dropped to the floor like a sack of spuds. A turned ankle caused him to go off for a rest. Forrest came on but his creaking hips and ankles made a terrible noise so we swapped him off as soon as the Tart was ready to resume. As the half wore on Staines slowly recovered their first half form and towards the end the result was never in doubt - but we still couldn't find the bloody net. Intense Staines pressure down our left eventually resulted in forcing a short corner to be completed with time now expired. Another excellent injection by Mr Safety, superbly controlled by Mart the Tart and then a crashing shot by Pace O'Brien saw just reward (he loves his new stick - but he has not paid for it yet Keith) to extend the score for a 4-1 result. Back on the winning trail and still have not lost a home league game since March 2001.

Hero of the Day:- A spread vote included Dave Hurd, Mik Quinlan, Mart the Tart, Neil T, Mr Safety and Porno, but on a show of hands Pace O'Brien was a popular winner.
Blouse wearing Jessie:- He was a very naughty boy, a very very naughty boy indeed - Pid. Yellow card, don't need to say any more.
Mention in Despatches:- For his timely arrival in the right place at the right time and excellent performance, carrying the water bottles, Forrest Kercher was appreciated.

Mens 4th XI

Well as the old proverb goes, 'it's a game of two halves,' and this was no exception to the rule. As soon as the first whistle went and we intercepted their push back we showed that we were the stronger and more dominant team. The forward line made some good moves and were well backed up by the midfield, however we were having difficulty in finding the backboard and were trying to dribble the ball a little too far.

It was only when Alpesh decided to get out his driver and have a swing, after being slipped the ball on a free hit and with no one marking him he picked his spot and scorched the net. The play continued with us dribbling the ball until we lost it and then waiting for the defence to clear it out. Time after time the back line of Dan, Richard, Colin and Sid proved to be solid foundations on which the team could build their attacks.

We continued to come close to scoring again and again until eventually Alpesh once more tried to see if he could pull off the same shot. Lo and behold we went two up. The play continued to be scrappy but we did dominate the half and with less than a minute to go Jeremy slotted in a third off a well worked break. Come half time the buccaneering fourth eleven were three nil up and Rodney hadn't even got started! However this was only the end of the first half and what we didn't know was how the tables were going to turn.

As the second half got under way the team continued to try to move the ball around and some good moves materialised. However there was one small problem, which was that no matter how hard the team tried Phil and Rodney were there to either miss it or put it wide. When it appeared that we were proving a little too strong Rodney was there to help out their defence and made a good save to one of our shots. Through all this the defensive line still held strong but like all good things it could never last. Mounting pressure led to two goals being conceded but not due to lack of effort from the defence and rightfully Sid won man of the match for his tireless effort as sweeper, clearing the saves and helping the rest of the defence.

The mounting pressure took its toll on the opposition as well and it was our "Captain Courageous" who was the recipient of a rugby tackle that would have had Laurence Delalio cringing in his boots. Despite this the team held together till the end and finished up with a well deserved 3 - 2 victory, however there is still a lot of work to be done to improve for tougher games - notably eye tests for the forwards to check they can see where the goal is, bigger shoes for the defence so they can really get their feet behind the ball, bungee ropes for the midfield so that they might come back and defend after an attack as well as elastic strapped to the keeper's kickers so that I might be able to keep my legs together.

Mens 5th XI

Two weeks ago Croydon were hammered 10-1 by Woking Wasps but appeared to have recovered well by winning at home last week. The initial exchanges confirmed that this was not going to be a hard game, as the visitors made a few menacing breaks from midfield. They had a good blend of youth and experience, and added to that a strong team spirit.

Some good movement saw Staines gradually force their opponents onto the back foot and we penned the visitors back in their own half. then after about 15 mins we were awarded a hit on the 25. Keith loaded his missile launcher and fired towards the D where Martin was lurking having signalled ahead to where he wanted it .. a jab of the stick and the ball whistled high into the far corner of the net ... 1-0.

Despite some fine passing moves we still couldn't establish the same dominance that we had enjoyed in the last two games, and with this the visitors gained in confidence and started pushing more players forward. A couple of defensive howlers almost gave Croydon the equaliser but Deepak was on hand to tidy up. Having been warned once we then made another hash of it at the back and gifted the visitors a rather soft equaliser 1-1. Now the match really was on.

Then it dawned on us - we were only playing with 10 men - someone had left Jonathan out on the left wing in acres of space but somehow he was invisible, except to Keith who managed to shell a couple to him from the back. Several theories have been put forward as to Jonathan's lonely vigil. 1. He is living in a magnetic bubble that is opposite in polarity to that of the rest of the team. 2. From certain angles his profile is such that he becomes invisible to the untrained eye, like a kind of Ninja .. 3: that the sweat on his brow was reflecting the sun and dazzling those who got too close to him or 4) we are total sh**e and cannot pas the ball left for toffee ... mmmmmm I wonder which one is the correct one !

Half-time: 1-1. Teamtalk ... crap ...let's play better ... oh by the way its a league game let's try to have a little more urgency ...

A marked improvement at the start of the half saw Staines push Croydon back into their half for long periods and the chances started to come. Several sweeping moves almost brought a home goal but the final touch eluded first Alex, then Vikash. The pressure led to a flurry of short corners - but with the pitch still a little sticky from the drying wind the ball was little slow and Keith was being closed down quickly. Then with 10 minutes to go another short corner. Martin gave Keith the nod for the slip left as the visitors were basically running an American Football style blitz defence .. which he duly executed and Sohail joyfully turned the ball home. 2-1. Could we keep the lead this time. Of course not !!! Some shoddy defending let Croydon keep the ball in our half and they eventually forced a hit just outside the circle. The ball was shelled in to their centre half who killed it dead and slotted a glorious reverse stick sweep shot into the bottom corner 2-2. Only 7 minutes to go now and the game went from end to end, with Andy having to pull off an important save when he deflected a dangerous cross away from an incoming forward.

With 5 mins to go a finse Staines move saw the ball moved to the left wing (!!!!!!!!!) - mmm how did that happen - oh its alright Jonathan is no longer Jonathan he's John Wareham so we need to re-visit those theories again. John did what he hadn't done a few minutes earlier and passed the ball firmly across the circle were Keith stretched his knotted muscles their full range of 6 inches and managed to poke the ball inside the far corner.

Phewwwww !!!!! A close call this week ... but we didn't play that well but we still won.

Man of the Match: Deepak and Martin tied but after a show of hands Deepak was given the nod.
Dick of the Day: Sean and Martin tied, but once again the vote went against Martin. A conspiracy ???

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Following two successive defeats, Staines produced a greatly improved performance, achieving their highest goal tally of the season. Mel Attfield opened the scoring with some impressive individual skill to slam the ball home. A series of sweeping attacks from Staines resulted in Nicki Walsh slotting the ball past the advancing keeper, quickly followed by her second goal with a shot which deflected off a defender into the net. Staines were relentless, and a superbly worked moved down the right hand side was completed by Jo Ive with a first time sweeping shot, taking the tally to four at half-time. Throughout the second half Staines retained possession well and were determined to extend their lead, and Jo Ive completed her brace, deflecting a teasing cross past the out-classed Fleet defence. The final goal game from a well-worked short corner finished with a deft touch from Anna Truman. This victory boosted Staines' confidence for the forthcoming league matches.

Ladies 2nd XI

Once again the Staines Ladies 2nd XI took control of the game from the start with driving runs from midfield, but were caught when NPL Lensbury made a brake and scored against the run of play. Staines didn't give up but unfortunately a goal didn't materialise for them. They start playing in the league against this Saturday against Hendon and are determined to win the game.

Ladies 3rd XI

The early start to Saturdays match did not dampen the Staines spirit as we drove over to the Imperial College ground. The possibility of catching sight of the Chelsea players was enough to get us going at 9am! The game started off quite well for us, with some good short passing, but as the wind picked up it was increasingly difficult to hear each other and keep control of the ball as crisply as we would have liked. The half time result saw us as 0-0 with a few bruises from Hayes's rather physical game. We set off into the second half with resolve not to be drawn into emulating this forceful style of play but fell foul to two goals being scored from sharp passes across the D. The Staines attacking players really shone through towards the end with a lot of pressure being placed on Hayes keeper. End result was 2-0 to Hayes.

Ladies 4th XI