Match Reports For Week 10 Saturday 9th November Season 2002 - 2003

Mens 1st XI

Blue skies, no wind and a moist playing surface, conditions were ideal on Saturday morning for our home fixture against current league leaders Holcombe. Holcombe arrived en mass, manager, coach, technical advisor, nutritionist and a rather attractive physio made them look organised if anything else. We were not fazed by their entourage, just envious that they had a fit physio tending to their every need. Andre did not have the necessary assets to compete with the Holcombe minx, and all hopes for a proper rub down were subsequently put on hold until the beers took over later that evening.

A large crowd welcomed the players to the pitch, and after last weeks disappointed all were keen to impress. Despite starting the game strongly, it was Holcombe who had the best of the early exchanges. A fantastic goal line clearance from Liam kept the scores level, followed soon after by a moment of madness, when he gifted their centre forward an open shot on goal. Fortunately for the Greene man he missed, but after only five minutes, he was already on my short list for both man of the match and dick of the day.

Holcombe continued to pressurise the Staines defences and after ten minutes eventually opened their account. Their lead was soon to double after some sloppy defending once again left us exposed at the back, 2-0. The Blues willed on by the vocal home support raised their game. A timely tackle from Larry on their sweeper (chapter 32 - taking candy from a baby - read it before) put Holcombe on the back foot. Reminiscent of a Wildebeest stampede across the Serengeti we drove forward, Larry leading the charge. To his right, the dynamo Watson with his new running style. To his left, the now out of breath Fu Mar who seemed to be dragging his hooves somewhat. On engaging the goal keeper Larry slipped the ball to Robbie, who shot / passed to the now airborne Fu Mar to convert at the far post. Staines were back in with a chance, and at only 2-1 down the game was delicately poised moving into the second half.

The second half could not have started worse for the Blues after Stuka was dismissed in the opening minutes following a bad tackle. This disrupted our defensive set up and Holcombe were quick to capitalise, scoring two quick goals, 4-1. Once back to full strength Staines quickly reorganised and concentrated all our efforts into attacking. The call had been given, no more time for covert black op's, a full cavalry charge had been ordered. Two of the resulting short corners were well converted by Larry, to give the Blues a fighting chance, at 4-3. Sid, then saw red, and unleashed a filthy outburst, that saw mothers rush to cover their children's ears, and the umpire rush to pull out a yellow card. Down to 10 men, it was once again going to prove difficult to continue holding our lines. Holcombe scored twice more in the final ten minutes of the game and although the Blues had a goal disallowed, the final result was never in doubt with Holcombe finishing 6-3 winners.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines 2 XI visited Epsom (well Leatherhead) this weekend in search of three points.

The first half was relatively well balanced, except for the imbalance in the size of keepers. Epsom opened the scoring with a short corner struck firmly of which Clivey got a touch but couldn't keep out. Immediately Staines woke up and within minutes earned a short corner. The ball was injected, stopped and after a couple of shots had been deflected back to the top of the 'D' it finally fell to Greenway who was in space and made sure with a thunderous shot to make it one each.

The second half saw a more determined Epsom and they had Staines on the back foot for most of the half. From a short corner Epsom managed to get a shot on target, after a goal mouth scramble, but Jerry stopped it going in with his foot. The stroke was converted.

Staines again responded to this minor setback with some good build up play which saw Jonny scream a cross to Lee who skilfully deflected the ball past the keeper.

Staines were lucky to earn a point from the game having played so badly.

MOM - Harvey for his reaction saves which kept us in it.
DOD - Andy (silver salver) Oliver, 4th week in a row, sort it out skipper.

Mens 3rd XI

Another Saturday at home, this week welcoming the Havant 4's to the Stadium of Light. We were to have the pleasure of Pauline Williams Umpiring but unfortunately she was unwell on the day having lost her voice, poor girl could barely whisper. Clearly this is the fault of young Mr Servais, Pauline forever having to deal with this naughty boy - telling him to tidy his room, sit up straight at the table, stop dribbling his beer and generally behave himself. Kitty Hine stepped in temporarily, skidding up and down the pitch in his Bath Chair just like the Robot Wars 'Ref Bot' on acid. Later Alec Cumming took over so Kitty could go and play for the 5's - we watched him charge off in a shower of gravel, got a bit sideways across the grass, lost a colostomy bag, corrected skilfully and got to the car park safely. So, we thank all four Umpires who did their best for us today (Mick Martin maintained continuity at all times).

Our esteemed Skipper had his team gathered about him in good time to watch the Ladies 4's game. For the first time ever, players were begging to be taken for a vigorous warm up routine. Another rousing pre-match briefing - "Go out there and kill them" said Dunners, Porno started to tape a bayonet to his stick. "I mean metaphorically !" warned the Skipper with a worried eye on Richard - who slightly disappointed removed the blade. The game got underway and similar to last week Staines settled quickly and played some excellent pass and move hockey as we set out our stall. Havant looked competent, but were clearly on the back foot at this point. Staines won an early short corner, the specialist team moved into position, Rowley, Rengger, O'Brien to set up, with Hudson and Hurd left and right options. With a mighty thwack Pace O'Brien cracked the back board to open our account. Havant increased their work rate in an effort to equalise, initially to no avail until a hefty challenge knocked Stroller Hurd to the floor. His gyroscopes must have been banged out of kilter because for the next 10 minutes he became incapable of hitting a ball straight. Strangely neither could Porno, his new stick did not work properly apparently, he resorted to his battered old faithful and threw himself back into the game. Havant coincidentally forced the boys in blue back into our own half and even managed to win a couple of short corners. Although the Blue Bastions of Fortress Faulkner's remained impregnable and Godfrey, cat like, remained curled up in his basket not in the least concerned. After this wobbly period, Staines steadily regained the high ground with our wingers - Mik and Forrest, backed by the Tart leading the line, regularly causing mayhem in the Havant defence and threatening increasingly to pillage their baggage train. Even our defence pressed forward to exploit openings in the Havant barricades. Pace O'Brien was notably good at supporting our attacks, one time charging into their D with the speed of a freshly knee-capped tortoise, he took the ball past two desperate defenders before unluckily being thwarted by a third. Yet another short corner was forced, this time a rare misdirected injection seemed to wrong foot everyone except Mart the Tart, who still managed to control the ball and then spanked it in for a 2-0 half time advantage.

The Skipper was pleased and asked for more of the same, The Housewives Favourite moaned that he hadn't touched the ball yet and could he have a marmite sandwich to chew on to pass the time ! The second half started well, it was clear that the 3rd Battalion were on top form. The Staines defensive line were magnificent Stroller Hurd was back on song, Mr Safety at centre back this week, had their centre forward so well pocketed he took him home after the game and buried him in his garden. Gary combined well with the midfield and dominated from left back. Pace, always eager to get forward but also worked hard to mark his opponent. On this platform our midfield were able to control the game for virtually the whole half. Dunners sitting deep in the centre was the hub marshalling the troops, with Sponging Student and Porno ranging either side like shock cavalry, providing excellent support to the attack and working hard to get back and assist the defence. The goals duly arrived in a torrent as if a dam burst - see bullet point below. First mention has to be made of the token goal Havant scored. A Havant attack managed to breach the Staines 25 yard line, Rob stretched, licked his whiskers and uncurled himself from his basket just in case. A Havant player in green (camouflaged) managed to sneak behind us unmarked, he maintained composure to collect the ball and flick it past Rob. Rob still hasn't touched the ball, except to pick it out the net !

Goals 3 to 8:-
3. Short corner. Pace slipped ball towards back post, Mr Safety got to it first and swept ball and nearby Havant defender into the net. YESSS!
4. Short corner. Ball slipped to Porno, powerful strike towards the left post, Mr Safety stabbed his weapon and the ball whistled up past the keepers helmet and into the roof. YYEEEESSSSSSAGH!!!
5. Open play for a change - Mart the Tart slid the ball through to Forrest Kercher charging in at Mach 3, he managed to convert from 8 inches, excellent !
6. Another from open play (see, we can do it - we are showing off now!) Tart again in the action feeding Porno Hudson galloping across the D. Porno reverse struck it under the staggering keeper.......nice !
7. Short corner. Pace O'Brien slipped the ball again to the back post. Mr Safety in Leopard mode struck again, the ball shot inside the post with millimetric precision. YEESSAGH! 'AVE IT! HATRICK!!........oh shit, have to buy a jug !
8. Coup de Grace. Mart the Tart intercepted a Havant free hit and immediately homed in on goal spanking the ball back past the keeper.

An astounding 8-1 victory against, in the end, a slightly shell shocked Havant. They were unlucky to catch Staines Blue Army in such good form because certainly in the first half they were a useful looking outfit.
Hero: There can be only one....hatrick hero Mr Safety.
Blouse: For breach of human rights and torture by making us watch the Ladies 4's get thrashed - Dunners.
Mention in Despatches: Superb teas from the blue ribbon catering of Amanda O'Brien.
Mention in Despatches 2: The Tart and Pace for setting up the chance for Mr Safety's first and probably only ever, hatrick. Thanks.

Mens 4th XI

Saturday didn't start to well, with Captain Keamish putting in an early effort for dick of the day. He rang Jeremy to ask where he was only to remember half way through leaving a message that Jez was going direct!!! He then nearly forgot our umpire!!! People were already filling out their slips before we had left for Wallingford.

The match started well for Staines under a clear November sky, but not after dissent from Phil over his moving to left back, "Who is going to score all the goals????" was his comment. The goals started going in fairly quick succession, proving that practice does indeed make perfect as we converted short corners 2, 4, 5 and 7 (or something like that, we got so many). After 25 minutes it was 5-0 Staines with 3 from Alpesh including 2 deflections through his legs, 1 from Rod and 1 from Jez. Having effectively won the game by then Staines stopped playing and incurred the wrath of the oppo's umpire who after no sleep decided it was our fault he had a stinking hangover and felt generally rubbish, free hits went their way and 10 yards quickly became 20 or even 30. Mark then got a talking to for shrugging his shoulders and looking hard done by after a hit was awarded against him.

Half - time was Wallingford 0 Staines 5 but it should have been more.

After skipper gave us a stern chat about not winding up the umpire with the hangover we tried to pass the ball around in the second half and Alpesh scored his 4th and our 6th. Then we stopped. Wallingford then had 15 mins of serious pressure but our resolute defence and new young keeper David kept them out until a game of pinball ensued in our D. A free hit was deflected not once but off three or 4 sticks before trickling in to the goal. Things then started to get childish, as people ran too much with the ball too much, but not before Jez had added a 7th from the edge of the D. Rod then outdid Kingsley's effort for DoD by leaving the pitch on his own volition 5 mins before the end because no one would pass to him!! Final Score: Wallingford 1 Staines 7

MoM: Dan
DoD: Rodney by a country mile.

Mens 5th XI

The 5th Battalion bravely travelled to the Goldsworth Park battlefield, scene of the recent 10-0 destruction of the Walton & Weybridge Warriors, and prior to that the 10-1 crushing of the Croydon MO Cavalry. As we waited for the signal for battle to commence, the pitch was shrouded in mist and smoke from the fires raging nearby. An eerie silence descended.

A shrill whistle sounded and ... whooooaahhhh ... what's this ... it seemed like 20 kids came storming through the clouds at 100 mph. Ping, ping, ping went the ball ... oooh, aaggh nnnnggg ... went the Staines defence as they given an early run around. It was like a giant game of Twister ... put you left full back on the twenty-five ... spin the wheel .. put his man 20 yards behind him .... whirrrr ... put the ball on the little whizz-kid's stick ... whirrr ... Keith stretch as far as you can to the left to stop that run ... whirrrrr ... now do the same to the right ...

They were coming at us from all sides, and through the middle ... we were in a blitz ... now we know why they have a 100% record this season. However, we gradually sorted out who was marking which man (sorry ... boy), pushed Gordon a little higher into centre midfield and slowly gained a foothold in the game. Arguably this blistering opening should have seen Woking take the lead but they were a little bit overconfident and wasted a few good openings by being greedy which allowed Richard Smith in goal the time required to clear or block.

On the other side of the coin of course this rampant - almost reckless - attacking did give us a bit of encouragement because whenever we won the ball and shipped it to Roly or Gordon they were able to make good progress into home territory. The battle line was now moving away from our 25 and nearer to the half way line. The frustration of the home side was becoming evident as their big old playmaker body checked Martin to the ground in the centre circle. A minute later and we broke forward and won our first short corner.

Swooooshhhh .... click ... roll .... THWACCCCKKKKKKK !!!! ... neeeeeee-owwwww... ping ... thud ... NNNNGGGGG - - ARRRRGGH -- WOOOO. Keith's piledriver was screaming for the bottom corner until a defender's stick deflected it up , hitting the teenage goalie just under the box. After a few minutes in agony he was able to stand up but wisely was taken to the sideline where he was comforted by his mom ... at least she won't have to wander what he's up to in his bedroom for a while.

With a replacement goalie available on the sideline the match restarted, and we went in search of a shock lead. The short break had given us time to change the shape a little with Gordon going even higher to put more pressure on their backline and make them attack from deeper. Glory be a few minutes later the trick worked as Gordon ran across the top of the circle and smashed the ball across the goal into the corner. 1-0 ... yess!!!

Unfortunately it didn't take very long for Woking to realise they were in for a real game and they soon started making inroads into our 25, and it was no surprise when they managed to burst in behind the defence for whizz-kidd to score the equaliser. Then travesty, some sloppy defending saw them break down the left this time, some lovely dribbling, a lovely layoff saw Richard beaten, a shot goalwards, Martin saves it on the line but then only gives it back to the forward for him to score. Rats ... 1-2.

Keith now pushed up to provide more ball speed on our free hits, and with our right wing completely vacated by Woking players Alex and Sohail got plenty of ball thus ensuring we held out to half-time at just the one goal down.

Team talk: We can win this ... Gordon moves up to centre forward, Martin takes Gordon's man from the 1st half, and the wingers to get more width and depth.

Obviously this tactic failed as refreshed from their half-time milk and rusks the Woking boys came out rampant once more. This time however it wasn't so much of a surprise and they were unable to create any clear cut chances from open play, and had to settle for a series of short corners. Fortunately we repelled these with ease.

The game now turned in Staines favour as all that running by Woking had reduced their work rate considerably and now they had vacated our left wing allowing Roly and Sean to make several breaks. A few minutes later and Sohail and Diego were also finding space down the right. One stunning run by Diego saw him beat three or four defenders in the corner, but he tried one more and the four players in the circle looking to score had to sprint back to cover as Woking broke quickly. Diego went off to be replaced by a zestful Phil - who had his head on this week - and made some fine runs down the right.

A few short corners were won but were not converted, Gordon doing a fresh air swipe, Martin trying a reverse stick flick from a yard in front of the keeper with Gordon open, Roly just failing to get a touch when Keith worked the one back to the injector. But then ... glory as Gordon sped down the inside right channel ... Martin sped into the circle to the penalty spot ... Gordon looked up ... Martin backed off a few yards ... Gordon pulled it back perfectly .. Martin swept it first time to the back post where Sean ghosted in to touch it home reverse stick 2-2 ... GAME ON !!!!

At the other end we were caught flat a couple of times but Richard's presence was too much for the tiring Woking kids and he kept them out - despite some rather ambitious calls for a penalty flick. Back on the attack again and this time Gordon was fed the ball at the top right of the circle ... THUD!! ... went the keeper to ground ... we all knew what was going to happen next ... yepp Gordon dragged it back onto his reverse stick and WHOOOOSHHH into the net went the ball !!! Yessagggggghhh 3-2 up.

Nerves got frayed - big old playmaker bloke in midfield kept on cynically stick tackling people and was given the green card. He tried again a minute later but was so tired he couldn't connect with ball stick or man, as Gordon turned him inside out - he was really looking for that yellow card now. Woking did not give up and their No 8 gave Deepak a torrid five minute spell that went something like ... chop chop backstick chop chop chop obstruction chop ... green card!

Staines still had the better of the last few minutes and almost took a two-gaol lead when the home sides' desperate goalkeeper got away with smothering the ball with his hand, and also it has been reported that he also played one ball away with his hand on the ground. So denied a flick to seal the game we had to repel one last break at the expense of a short corner. The push and stop weren't clean but they did a last minute switch out wide left ... from where one of their precociously talented kids smashed it home for 3-3.

And that's the way it ended and overall I suppose it was a fair result. It was not hard to notice however which were the happier team as the Staines army held their heads high whilst the home side trudged off with their tails between their legs (all except one of course who held his gently in a bag of cotton wool).

Man of the Match: Gordon The Goal Machine Returns with a brace.
Dick of the Day: Martin (for a dreadful 1st half display) and Sohail (for no particular reason) tied - but Sohail won on a show of hands.

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Mill Hill 1 - Staines 6 - League

Staines 6 - Eastcote 1 - Middx Cup

This proved to be a very successful weekend for Staines 1st XI, recording two emphatic wins in league and cup. On Saturday they entertained Mill Hill in the league, but got off to a slow start, going 1-0 down early on. They were soon into scoring mode however, with a superb individual effort from Christina Lind, quickly followed by the first of two from Nicki Walsh. Lou Delaney scored the third following some determined play in front of goal. Lou Delaney and Nicki Walsh both achieved a brace with excellent finishing, and the final tally was achieved by Mel Attfield with an unstoppable shot from an accuate angle. Although Staines dominated the game, they never really played to their full potential, a problem which was apparently remedied on Sunday as they began their defence of the Middlesex Cup.

A home draw against Eastcote, saw a much improved performance, with sweeping moves and accurate passing that tore apart the away sides defence. Goals were a plenty once more, with Mel Attfield and Christina Lind giving Staines a half time lead. Eastcote were never given the opportunity to stage a comeback, and the goal tally was added to by Sarah Hamilton, Alex Stacey and Anna Truman. Eastcote did manage a consolation goal from a deflected short corner, but then managed to score at the other end to take Staines tally to six. This successful weekend prepares Staines for their top of the table clash against Southgate next Saturday and also a tough game against National League side St.Albans in the HT Trophy on Sunday at home at 2:30pm.

Ladies 2nd XI

Another Saturday trek over to North London for the ladies 2's this week, against an Enfield side who they have been unable to beat for the last few seasons. The game started off a little slowly, but soon Staines took control of the game and it was 10 minutes into the game when Helen White used her reverse stick to pass the ball past 4 Enfield players for Juliet Porter, not to be out done by Helen's skill also pick up the ball on her reverse stick and whack the ball into the back of the goal. Helen White then slammed another ball past the keeper to make it 2. Sarah Chandler with her Duracell batteries on full power made fantastic run after another and it was off one of these that Juliet Porter was able to add her second and Staines third. Just before half time, Staines won a short corner and Sarah Chandler hammered home the 4th. At the beginning of the second half, Enfield came out fighting and Staines not looking like they would score again then went onto to score in quick succession with goals from Julia Ward and Jo Ive. Staines final say on the game from another goal from Juliet Porter to complete her hat trick. It would be great to say who created what goals, but I can't quite remember, however it's worth saying that everybody had a great game and showed real determination. Another satisfying win for Staines who are continuing to push their way to the top of their newly promoted division.

Ladies 3rd XI

Staines Ladies 3rd XI league fixture was cancelled so took on Ashford 2's in a friendly and drew 2 all. Both goals were scored by Claire Holloway, a fantastic result for Staines against an opposition in the league above them.

Ladies 4th XI