Match Reports For Week 22 Saturday 1st February Season 2002 - 2003
Mens 1st XI
Mens 2nd XI
Mens 3rd XI
Yet another boring journey to the south coast to play CoP4 who have only actually
lost once this season so far - which was to the Blue Army (of course). They
were going to be desperate for revenge and we were desperate for some rape and
pillage, well pillage at any rate. Admiral of the Fleet McDunners had been completely
pissed the night before so arrived at the meet, later than Alpesh, which takes
some doing. Please also ask him about his hot phone. Navigation on the trip
was excellent, nobody got lost, we did not let Mik or Pid near any of the maps.
We hove to in good time for a warm up and lengthy battle plan briefing by our
Captain.
We lined up - Frigates on the flanks Battleships down the middle, Cruisers and
Destroyers front and back, and a large smelly oil tanker stuck between the posts.
The whistle blew and both sides opened with broadsides. CoP managed to work
their way into our rearguard, their No.14 Dreadnought giving HMS Pid a hard
time. Pid defended gamely though risked damage to his superstructure from the
heavier built CoP vessel. The battle soon became a war of attrition, boats ramming
each other from all directions, the ball pinging from one end of the pitch to
the other and regular blaring of hooters from CoP ships. The Staines fleet kept
its composure and maintained co-coordinated lines of battle, marshalled by Admiral
of the Blue McDunners. CoP's #4 Frigate was almost sunk early, hit in the Stern
by an exquisite HMS Garrrry Ginger challenge, followed soon after by HMS Safety
taking the #4 amidships at ramming speed, thus leaving the CoP boat dead in
the water and honking loudly. Several times the battle was paused whilst the
United Nations Umpire settled differences in interpretation of the Geneva Convention.
The Blue fleet were pressing home attacks regularly, a couple of fine goal attempts
were well saved, including a rasping shell from Mart the Tarts main armament
which was miraculously stopped. Eventually Staines got a deserved breakthrough.
HMS Scouse launched a well aimed projectile towards the Tart, who fended away
an enemy destroyer, then slapped the ball straight into the net. Meanwhile Chubby
Jezza was flopping on the floor like a beached whale. Soon after the CoP #14
vessel had to go off to attend the Court of Human Rights and would not be seen
again until the second half. Despite the numerical advantage Staines could not
breach the determined CoP defences, their guns were too well emplaced. We won
a couple of short corners, both near misses and the half finished at 1-0 to
the Blue Fleet.
The second half was more of the same, hits being exchanged all over the theatre.
Young student HMS Jason cruised impressively but was temporarily slowed when
he took a large shell in the engine room. We don't believe his balls have quiet
dropped yet so not too much damage was caused. HMS Pace O'Brien had to go off
for more coal but was a stalwart in defence when he returned replenished. CoP
increased their attacking pressure when back at full strength and Staines started
shipping short corners. Fortunately the defensive team was well up for a melee.
HMS Safety impressively blocked one launched exocet and a little later at another
short, stole the ball away before the shot could be fired, leaving CoP ships
arguing amongst themselves in his wake. The Housewives Favourite can move quick
for a tanker and was called on to make a number of excellent saves. CoP ultimately
achieved the equaliser after another goal mouth scramble. The ball fell to the
CoP #14 who worked an opening near the left post, his vicious shot went through
a sea of legs and HMS Pid was holed below the waterline (actually he got an
almighty and unnecessary whack on the knee). Pid limped off trailing smoke and
listing to starboard. In the meantime Chubby Jezza went down again (he drops
to his knees faster than a dockyard strumpet !). Despite the relentless CoP
attacks , Staines were still similarly as dangerous on the offence with Tart,
Mik, Jason and Jezza notable for pressing home attacks. Within a few minutes
a particularly fine bit of sailing saw HMS Quinlan at full steam avoid two CoP
destroyers and then penetrate their D, neatly flicking the ball past the helpless
keeper. With the lead restored CoP were now giving it the kitchen sink routine
and the Blue Fleet had to batten down the hatches. HMS Feline Patel deserves
mention as our utility man, playing several positions and working hard throughout.
The Blue defence were under real pressure now, a couple of chances were saved
on the line and then CoP were awarded a P-Flick with about 10 minutes left.
Our Oil Tanker fills his goal well, not much daylight either side and this psychologically
must have been of benefit as the flick was missed, phew ! The last 7 minutes
were a bit tense, we barely got out of our half and couldn't seem to get our
free 16 hits away properly. However the clock expired, the Blue fleet were victorious,
if a marginal 2-1 win. As befits a winning fleet we went back to their Bar and
pillaged it vigorously.
Hero: Several candidates, including bizarrely the Notcutts Sniper who apparently
sneaked along with us in the boot of Deano's car. But a clear winner was Rob
Godfrey who made the goal look small.
Big Girls Blouse: McDunners featured for his pre-match contributions. But as
everyone battled heroically today, a victim was selected based other than on
performance:-
He has some stability problems similar, one might argue, to that of a Chimp,
finding it difficult to remain upright for long periods. We are going to Toys
'R' Us to buy him some stabilisers. In the meantime to cries of "U-Boat,
U-Boat" Chubby Jezza Klinsman received the award, for regularly plummeting
to the deck.
Mens 4th XI
Mens 5th XI
Mens Centurions
Ladies 1st XI
Ladies 2nd XI
Ladies 3rd XI
Ladies 4th XI