Match Reports For Week 24 Saturday 15th February Season 2002 - 2003

Mens 1st XI

Staines were looking forward to their clash with top of the table Holcombe and they almost pulled off a great result against the unbeaten league leaders. The first half started badly for staines with Holcombe quickly breaking and scoring with their first chance of the half. This focused Staines minds and within a minute they had equalised with a ferocious strike from a short corner by James Chapman. These were the only goals of an entertaining first half. Holcombe applied a great deal of pressure to the Staines goal with Neil Hallsworth making some magnificent saves and Staines trying to hit Holcombe on the break, but neither side looked like converting any more chances.

The second half again was a closely matched affair with Staines battling away against a very competent Holcombe side. As the half wore on chances came for both sides with Geraint Hughes, Robbie Watson and Chapman again all going close for the blue army. However it was with ten minutes to go that some bizarre umpiring gave Holcombe the game. Firstly, skipper John Stannard was wrongly sent off for "knocking over" a Holcombe forward, then Mike Farmer was unjustly penalised for a tackle in the circle which led to a penalty stroke, which Holcombe converted. At 2-1 down with about 5 minutes remaining Staines tried to claw their way back into the game. But again, strange umpiring decisions and Staines' attacking policy let Holcombe break twice and finish Staines off with two clinical breakaway goals. This was a great performance by Staines who were very disappointed to lose by such a margin after some awful umpiring decisions. This week Staines entertain Henley at home at 14.30.

(Webmaster note - normally references to umpiring are removed, however as the umpire concerned apologised after his debrief for both the yellow card & the stroke, they remain.)

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

The conspiracy surrounding this game started last Tuesday with another team selection debacle. Again the 3's would be several players short and would have to raid the 4's larder. In fact as it turned out only 6 of this Saturdays team could claim to be this seasons Third Battalion regulars, and one of these is still recovering from almost being a paraplegic (or was it a paralytic ?). Anyway Porno Hudson has been extracted from his ninja turtle back support and would have to play a full game as the option of taking a 'sub' is a laughable ambition such is the current state of the players shortage. I say shortage, but I mean serious drought. Although when we're talking serious drought, what I mean is, one of biblical proportions such that thousands will starve and pestilence will fall upon the land that is Spelthorne borough ! (Webmaster note - they were 20+ players unavailable this weekend for various reasons)

However, to compound matters some useless twat decided that it would be a really good idea to invite Staines to play at Havant at 4.30 pm; and to put the tin hat on it - miss the Rugby game ! Are there rules about playing league games under flood lights ? As it turned out we could not start our game until nearly 5.00 pm due to earlier games delays. One of the few highlights of the day (for me anyway) was Mr Safety being able to play with his new Subaru Turbo Nutter, giving Pace O'Brien and Action Man Reed a lift down to the south coast. We waited whilst Dean had a quick leak before we set off, his bladder tends to fill travelling between his house and the Club, then set off in convoy. Reed insisted on wearing his full bike leathers, looking like a refugee from the Village People, and even brought his crash helmet (in case we decided to go off road, perhaps). Of course we had to stop half way down to allow Deano out for another widdle. At his age the old prostate is giving him a bit of gyp so he has to take care with the waterworks. Although if he gets much worse and starts smelling faintly of old cabbages and moth-balls we may have to drop him off at the Retirement Home for Old Gentlefolk. Mart the Tart had to take Uncle Fester and Porno in his car. The pair of them have a combined mental age of 9 3/4, so he was going to need help in the form of Rob Godfrey, to keep them amused on the long journey. The Housewives Favourite encouraged his fellow passengers to express themselves using paper and crayons (no sharp instruments allowed) and they soon produced some lovely art work which they displayed to their Uncle Vince whilst waiting at some traffic lights. Through the square window could be seen some carefully formed block lettering with no spelling mistakes - it said "Flash Wanker". Through the rectangular window could be seen a rather realistic anatomical drawing of a large willie complete with hairy 'sack' . Nice work boys, don't dribble on the Tarts upholstery !

Arriving in good time, we got bored watching the Havant and Chichester 2nd elevens playing with each other, funny we recognised several faces in the Chichester 3's side who faced us a fortnight ago. So we went to the changing rooms to warm up and listen to a detailed description of Porno Hudson's latest medical learning's. This lecture was all about scrotal polyps (ladies and those of you of nervous disposition had better miss out the next bit !). Apparently the old ball bag is prone to the odd small lump which can be easily mistaken for something rather worrying beginning with 'C'. The aforementioned lump is actually a polyp formed from a pubic hair root that has gone a bit wrong. Rather than sprouting a waxy curl, it fills up with a hard whitish substance, forming a small lump. Having been reliably informed by his Doctor of this information and being a mad Kiwi, Hudson took it upon himself to operate. So, sitting in a nice warm bath one night with a handy razor, he isolates the offending 'lump' (meanwhile Emm's got his todger by the scruff of its neck, holding the little sausage out of harms way) and gives a little nick over the top. Out pops a nice little white bead (not too much blood), which he has since kept on his bedside cabinet. Apparently Rich is hoping to get a few more so he can save up and make a pearl necklace for the missus !

By this time you are probably wondering when I'm going to get onto the important matter of the game. Well there is not much of interest this week so here is a summary:-
First half - they scored twice, we didn't. Both goals as a result of not picking up their midfielders running through from deep.
Second half - Although we spent the majority of the time pressing into their half trying to rescue the game, it just was not good enough. We did not even get a short corner, although several decisions should have gone that way. They scored a third, from a short corner. They nearly scored a fourth when Rob was committed to block a first shot well off his line, only for the Havant player to regain possession and shoot over our prostrate keeper. Mr Safety flung himself in front managing to block the goalbound ball and Rob did well to save the resultant P-Flick. Then they did score a fourth when a short corner shot came in at just below shoulder height and hit Phil Lazlo on the arm. I say score, but I mean cheated, as the first shot was clearly going well above the backboard, but the Umpires allowed it. Still, how could they see in the dark, what with half the flood light bulbs broken even young players who eat carrots for breakfast would have trouble seeing the ball at times. So at 6.45 pm, the game finished with the under strength and under performing 3's losing 4-0. We still went back to their Clubhouse and ate all their food. We asked Reedy to cheers us up and sing us a chorus of "In the Navy" - but he wouldn't.

Hero: Mart the Tart should have got it just for the effort in actually getting eleven players together, let alone his efforts on the pitch. But in an inter car telephone poll Phil Lazlo was awarded.
Big Girl of the Day: Should have been Big Phil for not stopping that shot on the line with his arm after the proper execution of such a manoeuvre had already been successfully demonstrated. But somehow Porno Hudson got the award - perhaps for his dodgy home surgery ?

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

It was a cold wind blowing in from Siberia that welcomed us to the Stadium of Dreams. With the games overrunning by over 10 minutes we were warmed by a rather eclectic looking 4th XI as they cruised to victory. This was despite all attempts by our illustrious sweeper, relegated to the 4's this week as centre forward, who contrived to miss a flick and an open goal.

So to the action ...we warmed up and Gordon noted that the oppo looked a bit cold so let's get at 'em. A brisk start to the game and with Sohail and Gordon back in the fold this week after their injuries we started brightly and soon began to dominate. After only a few minutes Sohail broke down the right, checked inside and skinned his defender, cast off his normal windmill cross, and calmly slipped the ball to Neil who swept home for his first goal for Staines. Yesagghhh 1-0. Good call by Gordon - let's keep at 'em..

Only a couple more minutes passed and Martin broke free on the 25, cut to the right side of the "D" and hammered the ball to Roly at the back post where he swept it in for 2-0. This is great stuff !!

With Keith having already played 4's we called up Dave Bassey as cover and switched to a back three. Frank was his usual limpet-like self and Richard with his hitting practice on Tuesday looked more assured, and hence the few W&W forays into our territory were easily snuffed out. The midfield were rampant picking up loose balls, pressuring their opponents, and getting tackles in. With 11 minutes gone the ball was worked through Sean, Simon and Neil up to Gordon on the 25. Martin and Simon stopped running forwards and turned towards the halfway line - must have had a premonition. Seconds later the premonition came true as Gordon swept into the D and reverse sticked it past the forlorn dive of the keeper. 3-0.

A few minutes later and Gordon rampaged through the W&W tackles like a scythe cutting through grass and reverse sticked it (again!) to the right post where Martin lunged in missing by the thickness of another layer of tape on his stick. Not to worry though as another break saw another ball in to Roly in front of goal who half-controlled the ball a couple of yards out .. and through the keepers legs ... and into the goal. 20 mins gone and 4-0 up.

It was looking like the oppo had gone weak at the knees from too much Valentines action the night before! Could it be a St Valentine's Day (+1) Massacre. It looked like it might be when Martin shelled another ball across to the back post ... but Roly had drifted in just a yard too far to get a touch for his hatrick. A few shorts came and went and then we seemed to ease off and little else of note occurred up to the interval.

Half-Time : 4-0
Great start guys - but what happened in the last 15 mins? We want to win the league ... and do it in style. Let's get some more goals.

Things didn't go according to plan as we started a bit hesitantly. W&W made a few shrewd tactical changes and exploited a few weaknesses in our marking - in fact they were playing the better hockey - but without looking particularly dangerous. Up front Sohail was starting to feel the injury in his ankle and a new pain in his back, and Gordon was having to work back to get the ball. A period of lazy hockey ensued as we either decided to let the man with the ball do all the work on his own (what happened to all that close support in the 1st 20 mins), or in big route one balls up to the front players(thus leaving the forward isolated from the midfield). Heartened by the disjointed nature of our play the game was now fairly even. We won a few shorts they won a few shorts ... no clear-cut openings at either end. Then W&W got another short corner ... Frank blocked it as usual .. but the ball spun into the circle behind him ... we had a couple of chances to clear and failed to do so ... result is was pushed home for 4-1.

W&W tried for another goal, but they got little joy out of Frank who grew and grew in stature as the game wore on. We defended well - as was shown when Dave in goal showed true conviction as he ran out a good 10 yds off his line to kick clear a long corner before it could reach one of their strikers.

A couple of breaks by Roly and Gordon looked like they might get us another chance but the game petered out to a comfortable win.

Full-time : Won 4-1

Man of the Match : Frank cruised to clear victory for his commanding performance at the back.
Dick of the Day: Sean with 4 votes took it in a close contest (2 votes for not marking his man - I hope he never has to catch the No 58 bus in the mornings to get to work because he'll miss it for sure, and 2 for putting his voting slip into someone's cup of tea). Oh how the silliest mistakes can get you DOD. For example Keith even managed to get a vote by playing for the 4's !

A good result, and for 20 minutes a fantastic performance, especially when you consider that W&W had won five, drawn three, and lost none since our last meeting back in October !!! Also in that run they had drawn with both Woking and Thames Valley. Perhaps it was a case of Man United or Arsenalitis ... taking the game easy when its won to save the energy for the more important game next week ... the table topping crunch game against Woking. Be at the Stadium of Dreams for an 11:30 showdown to support us in what is probably going to be the title decider.

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Ladies 2nd XI

Although this was a friendly fixture for Staines ladies 2nd XI against a strong Guildford side, Staines had no intensions of taking the game easy and determined to continue their winning ways ahead of their local derby league match against Ashford this Saturday, applied the pressure from the start. Staines bright start prevented Guildford getting into Staines half of the pitch and it wasn't long before Staines were awarded a short corner. Sarah Chandler struck the ball well and was saved by the keeper which Juliet Porter capitalised on to give Staines an early lead. Juliet Porter then scored again by flicking the ball between the keepers legs but the umpire didn't see the ball had gone over the line so wasn't given. This frustrated the Staines team but were then awarded another short corner and took revenge when Sarah Chandler crossed the ball to Helen White to bang home the second. The final score remained 2 - 0, but it was a great team effort by Staines who passed the ball around well and demonstrated their strong team spirit.

Ladies 3rd XI

Staines were looking to build on the success of their previous league fixture. The first half was fairly evenly matched with both sides having equal attacking opportunities and both teams defending well. In the dying moments of the second half, Harrow were awarded a penalty stroke, which they converted. Staines began the second half with a dominant passing game and were eventually rewarded with a goal after some excellent work down the right wing, with Kerry Burke crossing the ball for Julie Purbrick putting it in the back of the net. Harrow were rattled by the goal and began to attack with some urgency. However Staines dug deep and a spirited team effort went into protecting the goal, keeping the score level. An excellent result for Staines looking to consolidate their position in the league.

Ladies 4th XI