Match Reports For Week 29 Satuday 22nd March Season 2002 - 2003

Mens 1st XI

Staines continued their disappointing run of form in this game against third placed Wayfarers, going down 6-2 after having the better of the first half exchanges. Staines started in determined fashion and controlled the play in the first twenty minutes of the game which led to a great goal by Mark Hampton, deflecting in a defence splitting pass from James Chapman. Unfortunately this good start was not capitalized upon and some sloppy defending meant that staines went into the half time break 3-1 down. The second half performance by the blue army was very poor and only saw a consolation effort by James Chapman, from a penalty stroke, as Wayfarers rattled in another three goals. Again it was down to staines' errors that Wayfarers got such an emphatic victory and such lapses of concentration will need to be erased before the beginning of next season if staines want to challenge for promotion. This weekend sees a big weekend for the blue army as on saturday they take on second placed Spencer in their last league game of the year and on sunday, Staines take on Southgate in the Middlesex cup final.

Mens 2nd XI

On a lovely Saturday morning Staines fielded an unchanged side from the one that thumped Herne Bay last week.

Staines raced out of the blocks with a 16 yard hit going round the back, working its way through the midfield to the forwards and fell for Jason to tap in, one nil. The pressure was maintained and Staines were awarded a short corner.
Anton injected, Jason stopped, Andrew Oliver smashed in a shot for Roger 'sniffer' Greenway to roof, two nil.

Staines were playing some great hockey, Harvey looked solid (what else), Andrew, Gary, Clive and Jerry had the back sewn up, Chris, Anton and Jason controlled the midfield whilst Jonny, Roger, Barry and Lee always threatened up front. Our next wave of pressure saw the gallant midfield once again break down what Tunbridge Wells had to offer, which wasn't much. Eventually the ball ended up in the D for the battling Barry to put away, three nil. And we are only nine minutes into the game.

Staines realised they had done enough now and really lost their rhythm, however TW just weren't good enough to capitalise. The rest of the half was very scrappy, having said that Staines looked much the better side.

The second half didn't really improve except for a couple of incidents. A well worked ball found Barry at an angle from goal and smashed it towards the far post where the ever reliable Roger Greenway deflected in to make it four nil.
A bit of argy bargy on the pitch resulted in Jonny trying to protect his fellow team mate and amazingly was shown a yellow card.

So a four nil win against a struggling TW. Staines need to hold their nerve by winning the remaining two games and have to hope for Epsom to slip up to gain promotion.

MoM : Battling Barry
DoD : Jonny, yellow card

Mens 3rd XI

Last league away fixture saw a long trip to the depths of the hop fields of Kent. On the way, we past the "Field of the Interesting Occurrence", renowned since the trip to Holcombe two seasons ago. We also encountered the 'motorway junction of severe confusion'. Prior to the journey starting we witnessed Plumber Nelhams 'cycle of unfeasibly smallness' and then Chubby Jezza's car 'tyre of extreme flatness'. The later was caused as a result of his complete lack of co-ordination and driving ineptitude, mounting a kerb, slicing open the side wall. He entered the car park in what then appeared to be circus clowns car, with the struggling vehicle bucking over the bumps and the rear end wagging due to the flapping tyre. We expected there to be a comedy explosion, both doors to fall off, and then a flipper footed white faced bloke with a red nose to step out ! Well, we got the red nosed bit wrong. Dunners was away this week on domestic duties so Mart the Tart took over the Skippers duties. Scouse has gone to ground after Thursday nights 'Crimewatch' program so 'Taxi' Lazlo and Plumber Nelhams were drafted in.

What can I say about the game ? The first half was generally downcast with depression in the midfield and nasty squalls upfront, occasionally brightened by the odd short corner for the Blue Army. Basically it was a dour display and although 70% of the time was spent in their half - nought became of it. The nearest was a short corner shot from Pace O'Brien, another short corner attempt from Mr Safety, and a snap shot from the Tart that their keeper did not know he had saved.

Second half started with some better team play for Staines but within 5 minutes we were set back by a Tunbridge goal that came out of nothing - except they had two unmarked men run right through the middle and take on the Housewives Favourite. For only the second time in the game Rob touched the ball as he retrieved it from our net. Staines battled back but couldn't find a way past the eight defenders packing the Tunbridge D. The Blue domination was impressive but our ability to get a shot on target was not. Again the corner flag was more in danger than the goal itself. In truth a few good attempts were made, but again their keeper saved the day for them followed up by desperate clearances. They incurred a number of short corners from which a couple came close again - Porno Hudson had a great shot cleared off the line. Finally the elite team struck when Rowley, Rengger, O'Brien combined perfectly to set up Mr Safety for the trademark sweep, the ball safely netted before the keeper had chance to drop to the floor. Staines now had 15 minutes to find a winner. It would be easier to prize a Scotsman's hand off his wallet than to prize open the Tunbridge defence. They hardly made the effort to get out of their own half leaving Staines to batter away fruitlessly. Lazlo tried to kick one into the net but Alec was not going to let that one stand and then whilst Mr Safety was off the pitch another short corner was gained. Jezza bounded forward keen to inject, perhaps too keen as he only managed to push it about 4 feet (harder than it looks, eh!). A few more Staines attacks fizzled and then it was game over for a rather disappointing 1-1 draw. Highlights of the day:
1/ Enjoying teas at the Tunbridge Clubhouse, watching two lovely young strumpets with bouncing melons wander past. Hudson suddenly went very pale and his trousers exploded.
2/ Back at Staines, twenty interested club members stand around watching Jezza change his wheel and offering helpful advice.

Hero: Alpesh was well nominated for a strong and controlled performance as sweeper, but the award went to another defender, goal scorer and generally solid performance - Mr Safety.

Big Girls Blouse: Tart had a few nominations for a rather magnificent air shot as did Taxi Lazlo for his inability to get a shot away and his excruciatingly tight shorts. But votes were being accrued before the game started for the award winner. A classic vote is recorded here for posterity, provided by the great Roman Scholar - Robertus Godfrious. "It is said that if you have an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters and given an infinite amount of time; eventually one of them will produce the complete works of Shakespeare. I don't think this principle applies to Jezza and Hockey."

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

The local derby away at Ashford was billed as a potentially tricky affair after a hard fought battle at home in the first half of the season. However, driven on by the need for an abundance of goals, it turned out to be a one-sided match with Staines emerging as victors by 7 goals to 1. Sarah Hamilton notched up a hattrick, Lou Delaney slotted home 2 and Chrissie Lind and Mel Attfield got one apiece. For the most part the hockey was superb with some wonderful passing play which destroyed the Ashord midfield and resulted in some well taken goals. The Staines defence was relatively untested but remained resilient until the final seconds of the match when Ashford scored from a short corner. Staines final league game of the season is away to Teddington on Saturday before taking on Harrow in the Middlesex Cup Final which promises to be a highly competitive match.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

Firstly, apologies to Old Uxonians who, through an (ehem) uncharacteristically blonde piece of organisation from a certain Staines Ladies captain, had to wait half an hour for us to turn up to play - and the game which should have started at 11am finally got underway at 11.30am! Fortunately there were no matches on the pitch after us so we were still able to play a full game.

It was a slow start for both sides, with no-one really taking an advantage and some scrappy play at each end finally led to Staines conceding a goal. We didn't really get it together in the rest of the first half, but thanks to some great goal keeping and support in defense from the midfield, we held the half time score at 0-1 (despite an attempt on our own goal by defender Helen!)

The half time team talk seemed to do the trick however and ten minutes into the restart, Sophie - who had missed three similar opportunities in the first half, connected with the ball that crossed across the D to her on the left hand side and equalised for Staines. We fought to keep the balance, defending numerous short corners, and another close call from Helen (who seems to be angling after a forward position for next season!) Staines seemed to have regained some energy and the game moved to the other side of the field with attempts on goal from Jude and Elly. It was Sophie, ten minutes before the end who scored the winning goal for Staines from an identical position to her first.

Player of the match was Karen for some excellent goal keeping. Thanks to Heather for umpiring the game on her own!