Match Reports For Week 30 Saturday 29th March Season 2002 - 2003

Mens 1st XI

Staines' last game of the league season and not the result the blue army wanted with Spencer clinically destroying the Staines defence in the first half. This result leaves Staines finishing mid table in the league and hoping for better things next year.

On Sunday Staines took on Southgate in the Middlesex Cup Final and finally found some of the form they know they are capable of. The first half was evenly matched with a number of chances for the blues which were not converted. Some excellent defending by Liam Greene and especially Mark Hampton kept Southgate at bay along with some fine saves from Harvey Woods. As the half progressed the Staines midfield were managing to work openings in the opposition defence and from a pass from Geraint Hughes, James Chapman nearly opened the scoring after a terrific run down the left. Again Staines pressed and from some great work by Stuart Hall and Adam Hart down the right a chance was created for Neil Toulson who was closed down quickly and couldn't get his shot away. Just before half time it was Southgate who opened the scoring with a quickly taken free hit outside the 'D' being deflected into the net.

Disappointed to be a goal down at half time Staines rallied and showed their fighting qualities and continued to try and take the game to Southgate. Unfortunately for the blue army this led to Southgate getting two breakaway goals with cruel deflections taking the ball past Clive Bolton and Neil Hallsworth in goal. Staines continued to play their own game searching for a goal and finally one came from an unexpected source. From a short corner to Southgate, John Stannard cleared the ball the length of the pitch to Matt Truman who calmly turned and fired the ball to the far post for the waiting Robbie Watson to throw himself full length and deflect the ball past the despairing keeper into the roof of the net. Staines continued to press and after some great skill in the Southgate 'D' by Mike Farmer a chance was created but again missed. The game continued at a high pace through to the final whistle but, unfortunately for Staines they could not find a way through the Southgate team and the game ended 3-1 to Southgate. Although the result did not go to plan the performance by Staines was very good and many thanks go to coach Ben Brooks and manager Keith Hine for all their hard work.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines travelled to Handy Cross sports centre to what turned out to be a thrilling 70 minutes.

Staines were a bit slow to start and let High Wycombe (HW) in with a soft goal. Not the start we wanted, however Staines responded and equalised when Andy Oliver followed up on a shot from a short corner. Immediately HW counter attacked, the marking was poor to allow them to take the lead once again. Staines, still jaded but full of spirit attacking with Andy Oliver who screamed the ball to the far post where Roger Greenway was waiting to deflect in to make it two all.

At this stage Staines never really showed their true form. HW surged forward once again cutting through our defence to leave Harvey one on one with HW's centre forward. Harvey managed to get to the ball but was deemed to have fouled giving away a penalty flick, two three down. Once again some more confusion led to another penalty flick against us when Jerry and Harvey managed to foul in our own D, two four down.

HW didn't relent and a skilful run from one of their guys made the score two five to HW at half time.

Any chance of a promotion slot in the league looked doubtful at this stage. This was where the captain Andy Oliver made some inspired changes by bringing on veteran Rodney Crowe to sure things up at the back and moving Barry back into a deeper forward position.

The second half showed what Staines were really made of, guts, spirit and determination.

Staines immediately applied the pressure when Barry imposed himself into HW's D. As he was about to shoot he was knocked off the ball, the umpire awarded a penalty flick just as Barry regained his feet to slot home. The whistle was just in time and the flick had to be taken of which Barry made no mistake, three five down.

Again Staines continued to fight with Jason making his way to the edge of HW's D making the keeper save his reverse stick shot for Roger Greenway to poach making the score four five down. HW seemed to be a bit shell shocked but there was more to come. Barry picked the ball up in his own twenty five, passing quickly with Anton and Chris eventually ended up in HW's D with a first time deflection on the run making the score level at five each.

Another short corner skilfully won by Staines saw Andy Oliver poaching another goal after following up a shot which rebounded off the keeper's pads, now Staines were in the driving seat six five up. Staines weren't quite finished, continuous pressure on HW's defence caused many mistakes. The ball eventually ended up at the top of the D where Chris Hine unleashed a dramatic shot into the roof of the net and sealing the game at seven five to Staines.

To come from two five down at half time to win seven five showed a team hungry for promotion. Epsom lost to Brighton moving Staines into second (promotional position) place.

One game to go and three points required, it's up to us now.

Mom - Jason
Dod - Harvey

Mens 3rd XI

Last league game of the season and we had the pleasure of a home fixture. First we watched the 1's get hammered by Spencer. Although some satisfaction was gained when the Notcutts sniper struck potting one of the Spencer midfielders. Unfortunately during the delay whilst clearing the corpse from the pitch, the spectators were forced to endure another "Little House On The Prairie" moment when Jo Strudley staged a one woman pitch invasion. She chased down Stuart Hall with the tenacity of a hungry lioness and proceeded to snog him vigorously (or perhaps Jo wanted to protect her complexion from the bright sunlight and was just snuggling into the shade cast by Stu's nose!). This moment of loved up tenderness was too much for some resulting in several persons heaving up over the fence. Several of the Third Battalion were late on parade this week, including Alpesh who had to be poked out from under the car where he had been snoozing. A logistics cock up was realised when the lack of water bottles was noticed. Chubby Jezza was due to do bottle duty this week but the Skipper had gone and loaned him to the 4's instead (ARSE...Feck......DRINK!).

High Wycombe look to be building for the future as they fielded a youthful side. They formed up; one gnarled old keeper and three fat blokes surrounded by Acne and squeaky voices. Staines formed up; one big fat keeper, one cripple, one large moggy, six senile old knackerbags and two young chaps to do most of the running. The game started and with the impetuousness of youth HW conjured a couple of early attacks. Soon Staines stamped their authority and began to dominate the half for long periods. The occasional HW attack was soon dealt with by the Blue Bastions, in particular Olly (one of our young chaps) was in fine form. Most of the play was spent in our opponents half as the one man advantage we had was exploited. An early short corner was well saved and Mart the Tart flapped at a reverse attempt to cries of derision from his team mates and watching spectators. Eventually the ever important first goal came when Lurch Barnwell embarked upon a tricky run across the pitch, found himself in their D and despite a nose bleed kept going. He evaded two defenders and planted his shot neatly into the corner - Lurch's first league goal for Staines, hurrah! It was not long before the short corner specialists were called into action again. This time Rowley, Rengger and O'Brien made no mistake with Pace O'Brien creaming the ball and smashing more splinters out of the already mangled backboard. Then the Tart made amends for his earlier "couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo" performance, when he latched on to a through ball, held off his marker and deftly reverse flicked his shot into the top corner of the goal. Even the spectator was impressed. 3-0 up at half time reflected a reasonable performance so far. The Notcutts sniper's performance was not so good, he only managed to wing Alpesh who went tumbling in a cloud of shedding fur.

For the second half with the arrival of another fat bloke, and with the balls dropping on one or two of their younger players, HW were back to full strength . Staines had to work much harder this half. In fact HW were of equal match to the Blues for long periods, with Staines having to fall back on our undoubted experience and guile. The Notcutts sniper scored better, dropping one of the HW senior players with what must have been an elephant gun, judging by the way he went down. HW managed to win a few short corners but only one resulted in a decent shot which still went wide, otherwise the blue defences absorbed the pressure well, even when Pace got his legs knotted like bits of spaghetti when their left winger dribbled round him. At the other end the Staines attack created a few good chances and a couple of short corners were scraped off the line by the HW keeper. On balance HW had a pretty good second half but lacked the attacking penetration to find their way past the veteran Staines 3's. Perhaps battling an experienced team such as ours and battling puberty at the same time was just asking too much. So a final victory at 3-0 to complete Staines league season, and protect our rather magnificent position of third in Open Premier Div 2.

Hero: Mr Safety nominated again for another safe defensive effort and Father Ted McDunners also for doing something. But the clear winner was Olly Russell for a particularly impressive first half.

Big Girls Blouse: Perhaps it should have been the Notcutts sniper for not putting this bloke out of his misery. It would have been an easy shot as he couldn't move very fast, if at all. I've seen horses shot for suffering lesser afflictions. This nominee honourably 'fell on his sword', voting for himself. Porno Hudson.

As this is the last league game and last report of this season, the Men's 3's bid you a happy summer and hope you look forward to all your favourite characters returning in the Autumn.

Cheers,
Mr Safety.

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Summer has arrived early this year ... so what better than a nice game of hockey on the grass in the afternoon sunshine. Alas the romantic vision didn't come true like in a Hollywood movie, with the sunshine disappearing behind some high cloud, and someone stealing one third of the pitch overnight leaving it only about 40yds wide. Unfortunately it looks as though the home side are operating a kind of "crop rotation" with their two pitches, one being in season and used for football, the local gymkhana, and the odd game of hockey. The other had given up its last cabbage of the winter and was now laying fallow ... and had seen a lawnmower as often as a long-haried hippy had seen a barbers. And this is the pitch we got ... so its a good job L'il Phil was playing 4's today, as otherwise he may have accidentally left him behind in the grass.

Recently I read an article in the papers about the power of Numerology and how some days numbers seem to take over your life ....

2:45 ... the supposed pushback time
10 ... the number of minutes we waited for the antique goal to be assembled at the top of the hill
14 ... the number of metres from the goal line to the top of the D at one end ... so no 16's today then !

45.33 ... the average length of pass (in meteres) during the opening 15 mins
4.9 ... the percentage of passes that were controlled by the receiver

Then Neil burst to life and dribbled round 4 players beat the keeper and shot wide.

3 ... minutes lost as half the Kenley team disappeared into the undergrowth behind the hill top goal. Apparently the ball went into the fast running stream and had to be chased along to catch it.
1 ... the number of old boots and coincidentally the number of Perch caught

Another couple of chances go begging, and then Ronaldinho cuts in from the right wing, beats one, beats two, draws the keeper, lines up his shot ...

25.6 ... inches off the ground comes the defender's stick crashing into Ronaldinho's stick. Edward signals the inevitable flick ... the defender thinks it a bit harsh ??!!!
112 ... seconds it takes for Keith to reach the p-spot ... well it is a 1 in 4 climb to get into the final 25 (or should that be 22 ??) ... and he's not as young as he was a week ago.
86.7 ... miles per hour goes the flick into the netting ... 1-0.

The home side were still in it because they had a rather useful dribbler in the middle of the park but once Simon took him man-for-man, and Frank set his eyes on him for when he beat Simon's tackle, then the result was not in doubt.

5 ... passes between Staines players for the first time so far today ... sees the ball worked to Gordon who shoots goalwards ...
12 ... the shoe size that blocks it on the line ... mmmm let me think .... yep ... another flick.

93.6 ... miles an hour into the top of the other corner this time ... Keith 2 Kenley 0

After a slick move by the home side Dave Bassey had to be alert and slid out to prevent their striker getting a shot on goal. Then we played a lovely move the length of the pitch, crossed to Martin at the top of the circle who slipped it to Gordon who slotted it home for 3-0. Then in an almost repeat move the ball came from the right again to Martin near the p-spot who played a lovely reverse stick pass to Neil thundering in on the blind-side at the back post ...

30 ... inches off the ground the ball leapt from a divot ... and the chance was missed.

Then we won another shorty and Keith duly completed his hatrick with a bouncing skid shot that beat the keeper ... 4-0.

35 .. minutes gone ... half-time. As usual ... its not good enough ... not enough pressure on them at the back .. press-up on them at their 16's (oops sorry 14's this half) ... and STOP the ball before shooting.

This half we started much brighter with Diego, Martin and Simon finding it much easier to link up with the front 3 of Neil, Shrek, and Ronaldinho ... probably because we were now playing not only downhill, but also down the "nap of the grass". If you've ever played golf you'll know just how much harder it is to play out of rough that is lying towards you ... those that don't won't have a clue.

5 ... goals to nil as Ronaldinho converts with a cool reverse stick finish from by the p-spot.

Then with Frank positioning his troops from the back with inch-perfect precision the pressure was beginning to mount on the home side's 14's. From one Simon intercepted and drove forward to the 22 and released a straight ball to Martin in the circle, who instinctively flicked it on towards the backpost a foot off the ground where Gordon missed it ... but it went in a couple of inches inside the post anyway. 6-0.

A couple of minutes later and Martin received the ball at the top right of the circle stopped it and smothered his shot into the ground a bit ... but with the topspin it bounced over the keeper's legs and 7-0.

Then Martin sent in a couple of power crosses ... one to Gordon who controlled it and just missed going for the near post. The second one was missed by everyone but hit the back post and bounced free to Dieg04 ..

8.5 ... seconds went by as Dieg04 assessed the chance ... and finally released the trigger and shot into the far corner for Dieg05 and 8-0.

3 ... goals for Martin with a glorious hatrick goal. Sohail ran over to get the ball for a sideline hit ( is this the same Sohail who was playing earlier in the game ??) ... Keith responded by jogging (yes jogging forward) to the 25 (sorry 22) ... and a quick ball to Sohail ... Keith stopped it and shelled it into the D along the ground where yours truly appeared on a diagonal run to flick it high into the top corner ... yesagghhhhh!!!! 9-0

25 ... goals for Keith for the season as he connects with an absolute screamer from another shorty to make the final score 10-0 and his personal tally to 4.

Man of Match and Dick of Day voting ... held over ... to be done by e-mail due to the number of people who had to leave straight away.

2 ... games to go
1 ... win required for the League Championship

104 ... league goals scored this season in 18 games ... and only 14 against ... mmm ... that's +90 goal difference !! Let's go for the +100 to end the season in style !!!!

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Middlesex Cup Final

Staines 1 - Harrow 2

This was always going to be an exciting match, Staines playing to defend their Middlesex Cup Final title and also to beat a Harrow side who only won the league over Staines on goal difference. The game started well, with Staines having the majority of play. However, just before the end of the first half Harrow converted a short corner to make it 1 - 0. In the second half, Staines continued to have most of the opportunities, but Harrow broke away and made it 2 - 0. Staines never gave up and managed to pull a goal back, scored by Sarah Hamilton but just couldn't find the back of the net to get that all important equalizer. A good season for Staines Ladies 1st XI, finishing 2nd in the league on goal difference, and making it to the Middlesex Cup Final for the 3rd year running, but will be determined to win the league next season and compete in the Play off's to get the deserved promotion they are longing for.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI