Match Reports For Saturday 11th October Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines mens 1st XI's first win of the league season arrived in more convincing style than the scoreline suggests. However it did take Old Whitgiftian's to score first in the opening five minutes to kick Staines into life. After this inital setback Staines took control of the game and for the second week running enjoyed far greater possesion of the ball and territorial advantage. This soon meant the winning of a succession of penalty corners which James Chapman finally finished off to bring the score level. Again a number of chances came and went and Mark Hampton had a goal disallowed after the umpire failed to play an advantage bringing the play back for a penalty corner to Staines. Soon after it was skipper Stuart Hall who managed to get the ball in the back of the net. An outrageous reverse stick strike which turned, bounced, spun and squeezed into the bottom corner past the helpless goalkeeper left Staines in the driving seat for the remainder of the half.

Into the second half and Staines continued to play an attacking game forcing the Old Whit's 'keeper into numerous saves, with Thomas, Chapman and Brooks all coming close. It took the introduction of Jason Prudhomme to extend Staines' lead. He came off the bench into an unfamiliar left wing positon, and proceeded to show Staines' regular forwards how to finish crashing a shot high into the goal after a goalmouth scramble. Staines pressure continued with James Hall enjoying some fine runs and touches down the right but still the finish was not to be found and with two minutes to go O. Whit's mounted a rare attack forced a penalty corner and scored from it. With the score at 3-2 Whit's tried to push for an equaliser but the Staines defence held firm. A good performance by the blue army but a lack of clinical finishing seems to be summing up the start to Staines' season and hopefully chances will be taken this Saturday at home against PHC Chiswick.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

An unnaturally sunny day greeted the crowds who came to see this Saturdays top billing match - the new and exciting Third Battalion vs. Canterbury. The warm up act (Men's 1's) were not too shabby, putting on a winning performance to set the right mood. Edward Scott claimed to have seen the Notcutts sniper but there was precious little evidence until just before half time in the 1's game. Lord Hall was rampaging down the wing at full speed when there was a puff of smoke (not that sort of smoke Uncle Fester!) from the bushes and down he went like a felled wildebeest gouging a 4 foot gash in the Astro with his nose ! I digress - an amended team for the 3's again this week with the transfer to the 2's of Garrrry Kemish. That is now 4 players we have given them this season and they still have not paid all the transfer fees they owe. If this carries on for much longer we will be suing them into receivership.

This week Mr Safety lost the toss which was a good omen as we were able to play uphill with the sun at our backs to start. After a brief flurry of Canterbury activity Staines reminded them to behave whilst playing at the hallowed Stade de Illuminaire by stringing together a series of rather impressive attacks. We used both wings with some good early work from Pathfinder Quinlan and Dan the Man. Even Rod looked pleased and almost smiled. Eventually this spell of pressure brought a deserved goal Mik drove it home from the top of the D which was the longest and hardest shot he has hit for 3 seasons. The rest of the half was more about missed opportunities as the Blue army were unable to capitalise on their advantage and Canterbury became more settled with a much tighter defence.

With the opening of the second half it appeared that Canterbury were stepping up a gear as they now harried and chased every ball. Fortunately our defence was mighty, our tackling strong and the smattering of short corners conceded snuffed out. Again Lurch marshalled the troops well supported with muffled gurgling from Roy whose exemplary kicking was almost Beckham like for its precision. Then deep into the half a cunning substitution brought back on Chewy Patel rested after his mid afternoon nap curled up under the Leylandi Hedge. Almost immediately he made an impact driving into the opposition D only to choke up a furball and miss the chance. Within seconds the ball was returned up the pitch by the rampant Danny Penny who drove an exocet of a cross through the D. This time the Patelmeister was ready and a deft flick of his mighty paw saw the ball netted for a 2-0 advantage. Then disaster struck when an innocuous Canterbury attack resulted in a half hearted shot towards our goal Roy watched the ball roll goalwards. He checked the wind, he checked the angle of sun, he blew his nose and adjusted his crotch, he positioned himself intent to deliver a precise kick 22.65 yards, with slight top spin, to our left half. But with Beckham like fallibility he scuffed the attempt and could only watch as the ball trickled into the goal - it did not even reach the backboard ! Within two minutes Canterbury gained a short corner when Kingsley savagely chopped down an attacker. This time our defence slipped up failing to clear the D cleanly and allowing Canterbury to score from close range 2-2. But we did not panic and with the wise old heads of Alpo and Rod trying to direct the youthful enthusiasm of Dan and Ollie up front all was not lost. Eventually our tenacity paid off when Ollie (formally known as Crespo but he has had his hair done now) latched onto a Chewy cross and neatly netted the ball under pressure. That popped Canterbury's balloon and we bagged another 3-2 win.

Hero: Big Jim did very well as Centre Half as did Lurch Barnwell at Sweeper. But for going like a Duracell bunny up and down the right Danny Penny had a magnificent game at right back. In fact he was by far the most mobile right back I have seen for many seasons !

Played like an Old Women: Despite some superb keeping for 99% of the game he did gift his old mates an easy goal. Shite Save Staples gets it this week.

WANTED: One Captain, any condition considered but must be complete. Working order preferred.

Mens 4th XI

A lovely autumnal afternoon journey up to Tring saw the great Rabbit versus Guinea Pig debate rear it's ugly head in the back of the Monkeys car. Personally, I don't give a fig about either species, their habits, strengths or weaknesses, but that's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. (Especially when I'm writing the match reports)
Oh, and speaking of the journey to the game, if anyone from Tring wanders on to this site, please have a word with the bloke who writes your web page as the directions to your ground and the school where you play are wrong.
Likewise, If anyone from the H.A. has wandered on to this page, Please Sir, I cannot tell a lie, but Tring are cheating by sending visiting teams to Aylesbury......
Anyway, like I said, it was a nice day and we eventually made it and once changed into Blue, we got down to the task in hand. The game started well as we really pushed Tring back all the way into their half and for 20 whole minutes, we looked rather good. OK, so the team mop had been passed from Jez to Steve "Gnasher" Nash as his passes we not actually getting more than 2 foot from the end of his stick, but we looked dangerous as a whole. Saying that though, as is becoming the norm in our 4's games, we bob, we weave, we duck and dive and run around like loons but can't seem to find the old Onion bag then suddenly the Opposition broke forward and from a really special effort from the edge of the D, the Tring striker slapped a shot into the top corner of the net with the precision of a watchmaker.
Our brave goalkeeper had no chance.*
1-0 down. All that effort and 1 nil down. The scoring of this goal was just what the Men in Blue needed and we really took the game to Tring, snorting and frothing as we went, our pressure paid off as Sidney played a fine cannonball to the shadowy figure of Mart the Tart, for him to run at the defence and neatly nutmegged their keeper. Hooray. Half time quickly came and whilst our creaky Midfielder, Dean marked out his territory behind the goal, we decided that Mr Laszlo and our Kapitan, Alex should switch the left half and left back positions, Laz now being a little smaller in my view through the bars of the helmet. Only a little smaller you understand, still visible from space though. The game was restarted and the new formation seemed to work really well, Staines surging forward in one attack that got the Tart and the Chubby one playing ping pong with the Tring goalie, it took the keen eyed Steve "Gloria" Rengger to reverse stick the now, knee high ball into the net. This appeared to be the start of the Tring collapse as sniffing victory, the Staines animal bleated, roared and clucked towards the final whistle.
(Note to RSPCA, Staines do not actually have an animal that is forced to play Hockey on Saturdays. Hold on, scrub that, I just remembered that we currently hold the Title Deeds for Hudson. Sorry.)
More short range goals were on the cards from the Chubster as he majestically completed his hat-trick in front of his bird, who gazed on longingly from the sidelines. Tart, selflessly setting up two, whilst the other Rengger, (who was also showing off in front of his bird) set up the other. Defensively, we cut out all of the Trings few advances, with Gnasher and Gloria running themselves purple to cover any gaps that spring up. Laszlo requesting Sid at one stage to cover his arse as Tring advanced forward. The mind boggles at the whole scale of such an operation......
Other noteworthy incidents include Jezza squaring up to the Tring keeper for some reason and then finding out that the umpire was his mother and Lazslo's unusual wafty reverse stick shots which resulted in Tring sideline hits. Twice. Jezza again for missing a last minute open goal scenario. Oops. Fair play to him though as he managed to stay up on his feet the whole game. Obviously the Notcutts sniper driving round Aylesbury with a puzzled look on his face feverishly looking for the A-notonanymap road.
Overall, a very good display from Staines, we should have scored at least double what we got, but that's life.
You know, a wise old man once said "Jezza will score more goals than anyone else, coz if you have enough tries on goal and don't pass to anyone else to have a go, then you are bound to be top scorer. That is if the rest of the team haven't lynched him first."

MOM The Chubby one for his 3 close range goals. He also got the worlds tiniest Jug in to celebrate. Oddly, it held enough lager to satisfy the whole team. Is your name Jeremy or Jesus I wonder?

DOD Me. For what, I haven't the faintest idea........

* OK, so I embroidered their goal somewhat. What actually happened was the ball was played in, deflected towards me and after it bounced off both my feet, I neatly back heeled it into my own net. GOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL.......Aaaaaawwwww crap.

Next week, the return of our conkering hero and the fun we will have introducing him again to our Alzheimer's ridden sweeper.

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Not ideal preparation for this week's game as John H, Matty and Ian declared themselves unavailable and then on Thursday training Bob decided to place his hand on Jim's bottom .. he protested it was accidental as he put it out to stop himself ... but whatever the reason he ended up reeling in pain. Why? Because he had an "open dislocation of the little finger of his right hand". Edward thought he was being a bit of a wuss by declaring himself not fit - I mean what's wrong with a bit of strapping and and a few painkillers! Various nicknames have been touted, including "Napoleon" (aka Bone-A-Part), and "Knuckles". Fortunately with the 5th XI having a spare man we managed to borrow Andre this week to bolster the midfield, and got a late confirmation that Andy Nellhams had recovered sufficiently from his back injury to have a gentle runaround, and then we also managed to persuade Andy B to take his kit off and play on pitch - his goalie kit you depraved people!

The game started a few minutes late as the weather was so warm and sunny that the pitch had dried out and needed to be re-watered. However, the water simply made the surface slightly slower than before but did little to stop the ball from bobbling around. The home side made much the brighter start as we struggled to adjust to the pace and bounce of the pitch and were finding it difficult to get any cohesive play going forwards. Fortunately the defense was much tighter than last week and we held out fairly comfortably. After we settled we soon started to find Gordon and Salman from the back and we slowly started to get some quality possession. Andy Nellhams made some charging runs up the pitch only to be thwarted by the two bars of soap that someone had stuck to the bottom of his shoes, and he spent more time on the floor than a carpet fitter, the first strike of the day for a a Team Donkey vote.

After 20 minutes or so we still hadn't managed a shot on target despite a few promising breaks but then Martin anticpated a diagonal ball from a 16 yd hit, intercepted it, drew the defender, slipped the ball through to Gordon, who rounded the keeper and slotted it home ... 1-0 ... yessaggh!

Slough upped the tempo and made a couple of dangerous breaks down the right wing and from one cross to the top of the D the incoming midfielder shot just wide of the back post. It was quite an even low-key contest at this stage but having gone behind the home side stepped up the verbals and then their captain gave Andre a bit of stick - but this time of the Kevlar variety. Perhaps this distracted us slightly as towards the interval we were pushed more on to the back foot and then with a minute to go another break down the right wing saw the ball cut back across the circle where it flicked home for the equaliser ... damn blast and rats!!! 1-1

Half-Time: A very good recovery from a slow start. Andre having got under their captain's skin wanted to go man-to-man on him so Martin switched to right half. All in all a very encouraging display and let's put the same effort in again and whatever the result we'll be happy.

The second period started well for us as we took a stranglehold on the midfield. Andy Bromley having a rare game out on pitch showed some great stick skills going forward and made some great interceptions. With Jack now growing in confidence he was getting in front of the winger and the threat down their right wing was minimised. This meant even more pressure fell onto their captain and with Andre snapping at him time and time again he was not getting the time and space he wanted. Inevitably he was now frustrated and Andre got a couple more sticks to various parts of his body. Then some fine link up play by Andy B, Martin and Salman released Gordon on one of those runs and he beat several tackles before he was scythed down in the box ... p-flick.

With Keith demoted back to the 5th XI this week Gordon had the opportunity to step up and finish off his own good work ... no problem as the ball whizzed past the keeper into the xxxxx corner. (Well you didn't really expect me to tell any other oppo keepers reading this where he put it do you !!) .. 2-1. One very encouraging sign at this point was that all the colts in the team seemed to be lifted by going a goal ahead again Kishan displayed some excellent control and stick work and Philip went on the run of the game as he won a tackle on our 25 and holding off a couple of challenges drove all the way up to the home 25 ... impressive. No surpise when we won a few more short corners. From the last of these Martin called for Andy N to go on the left slip so that he could take the stop. Gordon flung it out, Martin cushioned it to the right and hammered a shot at the far post ... the defender got a stick to it but the ball popped up a couple of feet into the air in the middle of the goal .. and guess who .. yes Gordon arrived to lash it into the net for his hat-trick and 3-1.

Slough made a whole-hearted effort to get back into the game and Dave had to make a couple of great sliding stops to stop them getting back into it. However he did get lucky on a couple of occasions when doing passable impressions of a multi-coloured hippo wallowing in shallow water, good job there was some good covering work from the defence. Andy Nellhams then took another step towards the Team Donkey award by stopping the ball on the line with his foot ... p-flick ... much to Andy's dismay as he said "but I didn't even move my foot" .. what kind of defence is that - good job he's not a lawyer.

The flick was duly scored but Dave protested that he had said "hang on" when asked by the umpire if he was ready ... so lesson learnt .. when asked always answer yes or no .. or stand in front of the line until you are ready and then step back .. that way you cannot be caught out.

A frantic finale saw the game swing from end to end as we tried to kill the game off and the home side strived to get an equaliser. But we held on ... just.

Full time : Win 3-2

What a great game .. and a great advert for 6th XI hockey. Even from last week's game you could see significant improvement in the contributions from the colts. By the way - lovely clubhouse - a nice curry, and a friendly oppo. Also special mention to Kevin for being our rent-a-crowd and doubling up as emergency 12th man if required.

Team Tiger : It was a close vote between Andy B and Philip .. with Philip winning it on the last vote .. the clincher being the tackle and Brazilian run in the 2nd half.

Team Donkey : Another close run vote ended in a tie between Andy "Slippy Shoes - Bigfoot" Nellhams and Dave "Hippo" Foster, with Dave getting the casting vote. Gordon did get one vote for having got the umpires to calm down the home side from swearing in Punjabi - as Salman could understand it - only to utter at top voice a loud Scottish swear word beginning with "F" when clattered from behind.

Best wishes to Bob "Knuckles" Cooke and we are all hoping for a hasty recovery.

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Staines’ encounter with Winchmore Hill may not been much of a thrilling hockey game, but it certainly was good entertainment. Winchmore’s defensive strategy followed along the lines of 11 players in their own D and, if all else fails, assert the sacred art of jujitsu. However, despite the scoreline, Staines were disappointed with not putting away more goals since their percentage of possession greatly exceeded their opponents. Two goals for Chrissy Lind, Sarah Hamilton, and one each for Anna Truman and Man of the Match Ruth Hine, Winchmore struggled for shots on goal, all their attacks being covered by the defensive backline. Yet, the most stunning defensive work came from our centre forward, Baldy, who skilfully placed her leg in the way of an open goal attempt from Ruth. Although not quite enough
to win Dick of the Day, her deliberate defence was obviously to retain her title at the top of the goal scoring tally. DOD award was instead given to Nikki Walsh who in an act of selflessness decided to line up with Winchmore Hill at a restart.

Talking about charity, would anyone like to pay for Anna’s plastic surgery for new knee caps?

Ladies 2nd XI

Staines determined to get their first league win under their belt, were fired up for this game and as a result took time to settle and were unlucky to go 1 - 0 down by half time. However, Staines kept focused and took their game to their opponents in the second half and were soon rewarded with a goal from Helen White. Staines kept going and Eryl Penney clinched the winner from a short corner strike minutes before the end of the game. This win keeps Staines promotions hopes firmly in tact and look forward to many more wins going forward.

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

The match went off to a good start with the entire team nearly getting drenched underneath the water sprinklers for the pitch!! Karen in goal stayed out in it whilst we ran for cover ( we thought it was a good idea to make the other team scared of her!) we didn't manage to score but we held on to 0-0 until the second half.
Unfortunately we didn't manage to hold it together in the second half and Guildford won by 2 goals to 0.

We have our first league game this Saturday.

m.o.m Michelle Brink