Match Reports For Saturday 18th October Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines' run of good performances continued this week with a three nil win over newly promoted PHC Chiswick. Staines started strongly and for the third week in a row controlled the game and had the majority of possesion. The occasional break by the Chiswick forwards was snuffed out by the Staines defence and the midfield controlled the game, stretching the visitors defence to create space for the Staines forwards. It took until midway through the first half before Staines took the lead through a penalty corner conversion by James Chapman. The Chiswick defence continued to be stretched with Barry Thomas looking lively up front ably supported by James Hall and Mark Hampton. Staines remained on top for the rest of the first half but could not increase their lead despite winning a number of penalty corners.

After the half time break Chiswick came out strongly and a number of interceptions by John Stannard and Duncan Foster and some great tackling by Mike Farmer and Geraint Hughes kept the ball away from goalkeeper Neil
Hallsworth. This inspired Staines to more long periods of possesion and with a great deal of pressure being applied to the Chiswick defence Ben Brooks increased Staines' lead from another penalty corner. Into the last ten minutes it was good interplay from the Staines forwards which created an opportunity for Barry Thomas to finish from the top of the circle. Again Chiswick tried to come back into the game but Staines held firm and thanks to a great save by Hallsworth they managed to keep their first clean sheet of the season.

With confidence steadily increasing throughout the team Staines will be hoping to take their current form into next weeks game with Fareham.

Mens 2nd XI

This week Staines blue army travelled to the south coast to take on the might of Havant on their waterbase. After the last two weeks pastings drastic changes had been made. Clive Balti and Dutch boy Jerry Springer were absent and suitably fined. Sniffer Watson was the makeshift sweeper with Scouse a deep centre back. Pathfinder Quinlan was drafted in to add some pace to the attack. Scouse and Gary Kemish turned up late after having stopped off for a picnic on the south coast and joined us in the warmup as Havant’s waterbase hoses misfired all over us.

A new attitude of get stuck in with a desire to win the ball emerged as the game started with Staines giving nothing away from the off moving the ball from flank to flank with Beno and J D crashing it forward down the right flank and past the oppo. On the left flank the Ginger Ninja, Sponging Student and Kitkat passed the ball, in complete contrast and charged forwards with bayonets ready aimed chest high. Wave after wave of attacks followed with Havant unable to stem the tide as Staines, swords ready, dominated the oppositions' half. Sniffer Watson stepped up in front of defence and wielded his club like stick with all the finesse of a lumberjack and had soon made some fine wood chippings out of the opposition. Meanwhile Scouse charged down the ball with some quality use of tangled back stick and body. Nothing was going to get through. Havant pressed our half and were soon gaining numerous short corners. Staines dug in and yielded nothing with Harvey impressing on the umpire his unique style of play. Chris Hine had his dyed haired opposite number suitably sewn up while J D was frequently diving around the pitch making last minute tackles like a beached whale as he won the ball.

As the second half wore on the defensive unit battoned down the hatches and broke up Havant attacks with Beno and the Ginger Ninja steaming up the lines. Scouse had by now used every trick in the book to rob his opposite number of the ball, his pants and his hubcaps but luckily we had brought the Notcutts sniper with us and he shot down their centre forward. The resulting bully led to Jonny having a strop, for obvious unsporting and unprintable reasons, with more crashing the ball up the line for Mik to do his twisty turny stuff. For all our efforts Staines lacked the final killer shot to roof it in the back of the net and a nil all draw was looking on the cards. Great first point of the season we are thinking gleefully until Havant gained yet another short corner. Harvey ever ready with his gatling gun informed the umpire over his view of the state of play again. Their shot on goal bobbled a bit, thought about it, spun a bit, deflected a bit, had a cup of tea and trickled over the line using all the help of the downhill slope. Mortified 1 nil down with barely two minutes to go. Staines were unable to respond in time despite having the majority of the possession and dictating the game and so the result was a one nil loss to the top of the league team.

Dick of the day was Harvey whose north-south divide language barrier went over the umpires’ head. I understand it is to be an interesting garment he is bringing next week so keep your eyes peeled as you have been informed.
Man of the match was the Ginger Ninja who picked up from where he left off from last season showing the team his 0 to 60 time over 3 square yards.
Next week Woking at home and with a new found desire Staines appear to be revitalised.
Note to Keith can we have Staines shorts to match our lovely new tops please.

Mens 3rd XI

More glorious weather shone on the righteous Third Battalion as our amended line up took to the field. Pathfinder Quinlan has now been borrowed by the 2's - that makes 6 players this season - AND STILL NO RETURNS ! At this rate we will have to get Biffa back from the Isle of Wight and set him up at the back. However, Sanatogan Man Murphy was led gently into the sunlight from the Lounge Bar of the Nags Head. With difficulty we prized his fingers away from the pint glass clamped in his fist and replaced it with a stick. Suddenly he perked up and got on with the job as if he had never been away and 1972 was yesterday.

Mr Safety lost the toss (again), well he is getting old. But we started with the ball in any case and this led to some very exciting early attacks from nippy wingers Olly and Sohail. Within 10 minutes Rodders was knackered trying to keep up with them and plaintively cried "pass the bloody ball" in an effort to slow them down. But this early pressure brought dividends when a superb cross was drilled across the D from the right. Did not see who did the drilling as I and the other olde chaps were sat at the back having a game of cribbage. Olly Tyrrell got on the end to neatly convert for 1-0 to the Blue Crew. Then it all went rather pear shaped. Kingsley having a good game at right back collected a stick in the head and started gushing claret. Unfortunately he was unable to play on and retired to get some stitches. Murph could be heard muttering "would not happen in my day, we used to play on, its only a bit of blood, I lost both me legs once and still played on, poof !"

Rapid re-arrangement required. Dan 'Late For His Own Funeral' Tomkins came on in Midfield and Alpo volunteered to drop to right back. Game restarted and immediately Wanderers threatened our goal. Where the F##k is the right back! "Sorry boys, I forgot" says Chewy - attention span of a goldfish. Wanderers capitalised on our unsettled state and eventually forced an equaliser.

I will say little about the second half except we went 4-1 down despite some excellent Goal Keeping from Royston and supreme sweeping from Sanatogen Man. Lurch Barnwell ran his nadgers off in midfield and eventually his dogged determination paid off when he created an easy goal opportunity, which Sohail gratefully slotted home. Final score a 2-4 loss.

Hero: A clear winner, Paul Murphy received the accolade, his gravel voice cracking with emotion.

Big Jessie: Poor Kingsley got a vote for bleeding too much. But there could only be one winner this week for his extremely late arrival. Perhaps Dan's Mummy could get him out of bed next week. DAN TOMKINS - MEET 1130 AT THE CLUB.

Mens 4th XI

Yet another sunny day saw the Blue Army chug up to Gerrards Cross in a very untidy convoy of several cars, one taxi and a motorbike. Our chestnut totting hero, Hudson had returned from battle like a modern day crusader informing us that he had carried the flag for New Zealand at the World Conker championships, Hakka'd at his first opponent, shattered his own conker on his third "conk" and was out of the competition in the first round. Personally I think this was a thinly veiled excuse to get drunk in a field for 2 days.
It would appear that cream cakes and various other puddings were his staple diet over the weekend too as whilst attempting to tie his shoelaces before our game he hopped up onto a bin at the side of a pitch only for it to give way beneath him sending him rolling across the floor at our feet. A hat well earned methinks.
After the laughter died down a whistle was blown, followed 10 seconds later by another whistle, some laughing from Staines and noises of bewilderment from Gerrards Cross. Miss Marple was called in but had trouble piecing together what actually happened and while she was about we asked her about some of the umpiring interpretations later in the game but first let's find out what the score was. Actually the score was 1 - nil to Staines and here's our best guess as to what transpired.
From the Gerrards Crosses push the Tart ran in and intercepted the ball, danced past two GC defenders and whilst both teams watched in amazement he darted towards the corner flag just to make the angle of his shot (on the reverse I may add) even harder. With an almighty thwap, the ball shot across the face of the goal, off the keepers hip, against the post and in. All to the jeers of "Do that again. I dare you." from the sheepish Gerrards Cross defence.
This of course was all we needed to unsettle us and although we played like a bunch of Wallies for large patches of the first half we managed to score another goal. Deano finding the Tart who cunningly lured their young keeper out of his hole with a picture of some puppies onlyto spank a rather hard shot goal bound. The defender on the line could only push it into the roof of his own net. Going forward we looked good, Chubby Jeremy (who had accidentally lost a stone from somewhere, but tried to put it back on again before the game with a spot of comfort eating) working hard(ish) had a game that saw him stay on his feet the whole time again. This like Laszlo's apparent laryngitis a couple of weeks ago will not last.
Scrappy defending saw GC pull a goal back before half time, but Staines really needed to settle into this game, relax a bit, take in the nice views and generally enjoy it but we just couldn't for some reason.

After the re-start it didn't get any better for our boys, but it seemed that although we were playing crap it was just good enough and both teams were happy to potter along until the final whistle. This elusive last whistle was still a good 20 minutes away. Or boys were still looking good going forward but a bit wobbly in defence and downright jelly-like in midfield. It took the lethal (as lethal as Staines get anyway) combination of the on form Tart and the goal poaching Jezza to score the Staines massives' third goal and it appeared that Rengger Snr was looking for a Hatrick. This would have the rest of the team all searching high and low for the after match celebratory jug of lager should he manage to pull it off. 3 - 1 and it was midfields turn to up the poor account of itself it was, as Dean had been handed the team mop for the day and had a frustrating afternoon, made worse as Miss Marple was hot-footing it along the touchline, egging him on to have a pop at the umpire, who shall we say, became a little confused towards the end of the game. Temperatures in the Staines camp started to rise as the umpires confusion cost Deano a green card and around 75% of the rest of the team got fingers wagged and stern looks from the one of the umpires. It all got a bit much when a short was awarded to G. C. for a completely unknown reason (as far as I could see!) and this prompted 100% of the Blue team to verbally raise up their petticoats in protest.
Threatening Staines with 10 yellow cards (I guess he must have liked me), the umpire upgraded the short corner to a penalty flick. More verbal saw Miss Marple revolving on her back on the sideline with glee whilst our umpire, Martin was pushed forward to dutifully inform him that he couldn't actually do this. So the flick was downgraded to a short., then another and another and another and another and another. Seeing spots before our eyes because of all the running about I can't be sure what happened with the Oppositions second goal but nobody really thought it was going to make much difference to the outcome of the game.
Into the last 5 and finally we had some sort of control, Dunners reigning supreme in charge of Colin, Brendan and Alex, even midfield got their act together and the pressure was applied to the Gerrards Cross defence. Another effort by the Monkey saw the ball majestically leap salmon-like into the roof of the net for his third. Realising his costly jug buying error Rengger got down on hands and knees and begged our umpire, Martin, to disallow it claiming that he had volleyed it into the net with one of his shoes, admitting to not being a fully paid up member of Staines HC and claiming to be a woman and as such was not allowed, under league rules, to score more than two goals for a Men's team. (Dunner, this isn't actually a new rule, so relax). So disallowed it was and our umpire went off to the sideline to count his bribe (which turned out to be "Game of Life" money, and totally worthless anyway).
More pressure saw Jezza poach our final goal with a couple of minutes left on the clock to seal the 4-2 victory that we didn't really deserve. Gerrards Cross certainly didn't deserve the win either or a draw for that matter so I think it's best we took the 3 points back across the border into Middlesex.

MOM - The Tart, for his Miss Maple stumping goal and general hard work

DOD - Osama Bin-Lardass Richard for his pre-match antics plus a lacklustre performance on the pitch.

It will all go quiet next week as we have a blank Saturday due to Oxford dropping out of our league. Beware of restless, redundant hockey players getting up to no good.

Mens 5th XI

This was a game of two very different halves. Saturday was a lovely sunny day but Woking wanted to play at the delightful time of 16.45 just before sunset when everyone else had finished for the day. Woking certainly looked beefed up for this game. Club captain Jamie and head coach Andy were in the line up.

Keith gave us the old (Michael Caine) team talk. “Where the bloody hell is Phil”. (Late late breakfast show) Phil was more interested in his trainers. “Bloody sub him” said Keith, “we can’t” said Frank "we only have 11 players". "OK" said Keith "let's play with 10". "No Keith". The match got of to a rampant start, wave after wave of Staines attacks, short corners after short corner. Keith hit the shorties left (I would say right and centre) but all went left. Neil, John and Phil went close but Woking broke the deadlock with a swift counter attacking goal against the run of play just before half time for 1-0. Dave kept Staines in the game with some fine saves.

Half time came all looked puzzled, (Michael Caine) prepared us for the second half. “right lads we have had all the play, but we need to hit the bloody goal”.

Second half came and Staines' battery was recharged. The attacks were mounting but still no goal. Then came the (holiday rep) Simon, back from the sun, who forced his way in the ‘D’ to hit a low hard shot for 1-1 (a timely return). Captain Chris (Marvel Marcus) then put on the turbo thrusters running through the heart of the Woking defence and rounding the keeper, (Neil assign poacher was waiting), but Chris was not giving out presents this time and went all the way for 1-2 and only 4 minutes gone. Then Staines won a flick for a deliberate back-stick in the ‘D’ which denied a goal scoring opportunity and earnt the offender (the Woking Club Captain) a short rest in the corner. Up stepped Keith 'the hockey master' to put it away with marksmanship for 1-3. Woking then scored 2-3. The game was turning into a real rollacoster. Neil and Chris then sliced a hole in the Woking defence for Phil to make it 2-4. Keith put another precision flick in the net for 2-5. With 4 minutes to go Woking scored again 3-5. Staines held out with solie performances from Frank 'Braveheart' Clark and Dave 'Super Keeper'. The victory was a big scalp and Woking looked very depressed, which gave Woking old boys Neil and Chris much joy.

Sadly Woking nicked our balls but they did not nick the points.

(AND THAT’S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLED)

Mens 6th XI

There is nothing like a settled side, and at the moment we are nothing like one! At least five positions changed from last week's game but fortunately we managed to acquire the services of Petchy, John Hedger and Jack for the first time this season. Indeed we took the field with nobody on the pitch having scored a goal this season, and with 6 colts in the side one wondered how we could keep up our rich vain of goalscoring at the start of the season.

The opposition called off the game on Thursday night saying they didn't have enough players but then I got a call on Friday morning saying it was back on again. Apparently a few more players became available after training on Thursday night. I wonder if the England v South Africa game had anything to do with players being unavailable for a lunchtime game but being available to play at 4pm? The opposition did eventually arrive with 9 players and no umpire but as we had 12 players Martin and Petchy took over the whistle before Alpesh arrived to blow the rest of the 2nd half. A quick scan round their side revealed no colts and remarkably few beer bellies for a side at this level.

The game started with both sides attacking in a frenetic end-to-end battle. Although short of players the visitors did have a lot of running in their legs and often burst through into dangerous areas with some great wall passing hockey. The good news is that Andy in goal was dominating his D and sweeping up any through balls that were bypassing the efforts of Jack, Ian and Matty. On the counterattack Matty's quick hits were finding Petchy in acres of space, but contrary to his pre-match reputation I counted at least three first time slap passes to Kishan. Some good stickwork from Kishan kept possession and from the move John Hedger was set free in the inside right channel but the defence snuffed out the danger quickly.

With the oppo showing good control of the ball they relied on their advantages over our colts in physical size and in experience and it was no surprise when Andy was called upon to execute a couple of very good sliding stops to keep them from taking the lead.

Half-time : 0-0
With no Gordon to make the impassioned speech Martin gave the message. Excellent play but we need to move the ball from wing to wing to make them work so that they will tire quicker.

The 2nd half started well for us with some neat passing movements releasing Jack on the left wing. Philip was tackling his big heart out and the oppositions attacks were becoming less cohesive and often foundering on the big stick of Big Matty. Ian showed great improvement in his tackling from a couple of weeks ago and with Gordon's passing lessons from Thursday coming into effect we built up quite a head of steam. Then a good passing move down the left saw their keeper make a great stop only for Jack to lift a reverse stick flick over his prone body and into the net for 1-0. Yes!

Andre who had a great game this week epitomised the team spirit tackling back into his own 25 and getting up into the midfield and back again. Gordon would have been pleased to see yet another glorious flat stick reverse pass from Andre when under pressure by two men tight to the sideline on the 25. The pass found Philip in space who drove on released Jack down the left wing - the ball was worked across and ended with Martin's crisply hit shot being saved by the keeper.

Andy made another terrific stop - they should know better - it's his D and he doesn't want any one else in it! Sonning were not going to sit back though and from somewhere they found some energy and mounted another attack. Having a goal lead Andre and Martin were sitting pretty deep now to protect the advantage. Then a powerful strike from their midfield towards their winger as he cut in towards the circle was intercepted by a lunging reverse stick take by Martin who using his momentum let the ball come naturally onto his strong side ( where did he get this move from !!!) and a glorious flick pass down the left wing saw Philip and Jack take the ball into the circle where it was laid onto the Petchmeister stick. A gentle flick over the keeper and 2-0 !!!

There was still time for Sonning to pull a goal back after some sloppy marking in the D but we held on as the result of some fantastic encouragement from the Mom's and Dad's on the sideline.

Result : 2-1

No voting took place as the game started 20 minutes late, the hall was booked and we had to rush teas and half the team had to go early. What the hell, everyone played well - but the Captain's vote for team tiger goes to Andy Bromley in goal - fantastic play.

For those of a literary nature you will be aware that DBCP won the Man Booker prize (Dirty But Clean Pierre). What many people don't realise is that our very own DBCP was a winner today taking the Mercian Stick-er prize was (Dribbles But Can't Pass) or as he's better known Petchy, however there were signs today in the 1st half especially that as he gets older he may have found that its easier to pass it rather than run with it.

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

It was clear even before the game had begun that there was a tangible sense of anticipation and urgency… nothing to do with the game itself, mind you, but some Irish supporter decided it would be ok to allow our game to be changed so that it clashed exactly with the England v South Africa game (best wishes to you, hope Ireland make the final). Thankfully some quick thinking, some skilful banter and a direct attack upon the Henley captain resulted in the game being moved forward 30 minutes so we could run into the bar and see the last five minutes of the match. Well worked Staines!
Anyway back to the 'friendly' match. The first half seemed to conclude the game could go either way, Staines dominating intermittently but couldn't find the net despite playing a very effective passing game. Henley's passing upfront was very threatening, often finding significant gaps through the middle of the field to create 2-on-1s, yet never capitalising on them, and the first half remained scoreless. Twelve minutes into the second half, Ruth Hine made a determined run from defence and with some quick one-twos with the midfield flicked the ball in neatly from just above the p-spot. Two minutes later Sarah Chandler made it two slapping in a bouncing feed from Baldy on the right wing which the Henley defence were unable to clear. The goals seemed to awaken even the England team who scored the only try of their match at this point, thank you to Jo Struds for her live updates (on not only the rugby but also the state of her underwear). The third goal came from Mel Attfield, finding herself unmarked at the top she topped the ball but deceived their keeper. Finally Baldy, determined to make sure of her lead on the goal tally, scored through a deflection from the right post right on the stroke of full time. Sue O'Connells neverending running earned her rightfully Man of the Match, but there is some discrepancy about the Dick of the Day being unfairly awarded to Chrissy Lind for her 'grandma-like push outs' at penalty corners. A dampener to her birthday celebrations, nonetheless she seemed unaffected, far more distracted by the sight of Jonny Wilkinson in tight lycra.

A suggestion that the umpires could don these costumes was rejected, do you disagree, Edward? Maybe just Henley's coach then…

Ladies 2nd XI

On Saturday the 2nds took on the very strong Amersham Aces at Faulkners.

Staines had much the better of the first half against their feared opponents and took the lead when Louise Delaney smashed the first in from the edge of the 'D'. Aces equalised with a scrappy goal but Staines regained the advantage when Lizzie Hamilton scored following a well-worked short corner routine.

Aces came back strongly and equalised midway through the second period. Both sides had chances to win the game and with Staines' defence well-organised by Player-of-the-Match, Eryl Penney, it looked like Staines would grab a well-earned draw. Unfortunately Aces snatched the spoils with a breakaway goal late in the game.

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

At last a win for the 4th eleven - it was a friendly but we were all very happy with a 2-1 victory against Maidenhead. Alison scored a great goal in the first half and we were on top of the world they equalised but we kept pushing forward with a few chances to get in front. In the second half our centre forward Michelle took a bad knock to the chin and was off for the rest of the game she shouted from the side line "DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME JUST SCORE" and so we did Carrol made it all look easy with at last minute goal. well done!!

m.o.m Julie