Match Reports For Saturday 25th October Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines battled to a victory down on the south coast against a fairly strong Fareham side recently relegated from Premier Divison A. The first twenty minutes were truly awful with none of the Staines side seeming to know what
they were doing! The Fareham forwards stretched the Staines defence every time they picked up the ball and it was no surprise when Fareham took the lead from a rebound after a good save from Neil Hallsworth. Soon after Fareham increased their lead from a penalty corner and Staines looked as if they were in for a long afternoon. Nearing half time Staines began to get back into the game and managed to attack the opponents circle with a bit more conviction however the final pass and shot kept going astray.

A constructive half time chat led by skipper Stuart Hall meant that Staines started the second half properly fired up and a great deal more organised. With the defence settling and controlling the Fareham forwards with a great display from Geraint Hughes, it meant the midfield could get more of a hold on the game which in turn led to pressure on the Fareham goal. Ten minutes into the second half and from a run of penalty corners John Stannard fired the ball into the goal to reduce the Fareham lead. With Staines growing in confidence it was not long before the equaliser came and it was from another penalty corner, Stuart Hall slamming in the rebound from Stannards' shot. The pressure began to tell on the Fareham players and they were reduced to ten men when Barry Thomas' run was stopped by the illegal use of a foot. Staines pressed home their advantage controlling the game and keeping possesion in their opponents half. With only a couple of minutes remaining and a good fight back for an away point looking likely, Staines produced the best move of the game. Mark Hampton cleared the ball to James Chapman, who drove at the tiring Fareham defence before slipping the ball to Barry Thomas and it was his first time ball across the face of goal which Stuart Hall came diving in on to deflect the ball into the goal for a very late winner.

Shortly after this the final whistle went and Staines celebrated a hard fought and well deserved comeback for victory.
This coming saturday Staines play host to another south coast side with mid table Bournemouth the visitors to Worple Road.

Mens 2nd XI

This week's match was critical for Staines as it would help determine how far the team had progressed. After having suffered teething trouble in our early matches it was imperative that opportunities were taken and a more attacking presence established. With the 4th eleven not having a match there was a glut of players available and as such our strongest possible side was selected. Last week's starting formation was kept. Scouse suitably psyched himself up by buying the 5p daily sport and going to the cinema to watch Kill Bill on Friday night The ginger ninja took his girlfriend Beth and watched Finding Nemo instead. Work that one out!

The game commenced at a fierce pace and was kept as fast as possible to deliberately stretch the opposition. Staines spread the play across both flanks with good work from sniffer Watson in distributing the ball to his defensive unit meant that poor old Clive, who was awol last week, was legging it into position every time with Beno, Scouse and Sniffer barking at him. Poor old Clive, luckily he had invested in a pair of state of the art Dunlop green flash which brought no end of improvement to his game with his new found grip and traction control.
J D and Beno worked the right flank supplying Pathfinder Quinlan and Danny up front while once again the left flank of the ginger Ninja, Sponging Student and Kittykat deftly pushed the ball up field past their opposite number. The Notcutts sniper appeared in the first half and struck Ben just beyond our D. I quote Ben's explanation. " I out accelerated my opponent and he came round me and took my legs". All the author saw was Ben belly flop the long jump on to the astro as if he were at a waterpark resulting in some serious claret spillage with which to impress the girls.

Not to be outdone fellow colleague Scouse was busy avoiding yellow cards with this week's new party act. If you can't get there shoulder barge them off the ball. Staines rode their luck when Woking clear on goal stepped on the ball and struck the post while everyone flapped at the umpire. Andre cleverly introduced rolling substitutes in defence and upfront to keep the tempo high. Shagger in the middle ran his socks off keeping his opponent quiet in the match. He is awol next week so his replacement came and saw the mighty Staines battle in action.

Nil all at half time with neither side being able to convert short corners. A tactical change at half time saw Staines lift their game and camp higher up the pitch with pinball hockey being played with excellent ball movement across the flanks. The midfield charged up and down the pitch attacking and defending at will. Clive tested the Salmon this week into an acrobatic save as one of Woking's shots richoted off Clivo's stick. This week's special guest was the Ginger Whinger playing upfront. He cleverly held the ball up as Staines gained ground and his persistence paid off as Staines were awarded a penalty flick. Up stepped Matt to take it with his usual customary swagger but shock horror as his attempt would gain him cult status in soccer am's Taxi! His daisy cutter was saved. The result a 2 nil win to Staines and the first points of the season.

Man of the match. As Usual Bambi on Ice was our hero.
Dick of the day. Matt 'I've got a degree you know' Truman.

Next week Holcombe away.

Mens 3rd XI

The day started with some mild panicking. Ten minutes past the appointed meeting time and no Alpo, not really a surprise as it is hibernation time for Wookies, therefore making it increasingly difficult to get Chewy Patel out of his nest. However no Roy, our GK, apparently stuck on the M4. Almost had to go with the 6's keeper, we were just about to stuff him into the boot of Lurch's car, hoping Martin Jackson would not notice, when into the car park charged Roy in the nick of time. (PS thanks to Mrs Roy (Ollie) for lending me her phone during the frantic negotiations !) Another week, another game, so as is now normal another team line up. Mart the Tart was recalled despite doctors orders and Forrest Kercher is back after almost a year away ! Where has he been you may ask. Well, he has been running and once he started he couldn't stop. Oh, and he went to New Zealand for a couple of weeks as well.

Arrived at Fareham in time to witness the warm up act (Men's 1's) struggle in the first half and then dominate the second to gain a win. Then it was our turn to try to spoil Farehams' day some more. Reliably Mr Safety lost the toss (yet again) but this was a good omen as Fareham elected to play against the bright sun for the first half and, would you believe it, by half time the clouds built up to protect Staines righteous eyes for the second half, excellent weather intervention. It was immediately obvious that Fareham were a competent team and for the first ten minutes had most of the possession in our half. Staines threatened with a couple of quick breaks but otherwise our Bastions were being severely assailed. Then against the run of play a couple of quick neat passes out of defence kicked off a rare attack. The Tart received the ball, trampled one defender, punted another out of the way before rounding a third and finishing off with a nicely miss hit reverse strike into the net. The early 1-0 advantage instilled more confidence and enabled the Blue Crew to slowly settle into the game as it became a much more even battle. In fact as the break approached Staines were the better bet to score again as the pace of Forrest and Sohail began to tell with good support from the midfield. For another fact Fareham started to panic as another Staines fast attack looked certain to overwhelm their creaking defence. Mart the Tart was on the point of loosing his marker as he charged towards the D when the old boy rugby tackled him in desperation. This resulted in the OAP laid out on the floor with the Tart leering down at him, flaring his nostrils and asking him if he fancied a thrupenny one. Fortunately the Umpires calmed things down and managed to ensure at least one bed would remain unrequired in the nursing home for gentlefolk.

Second half was a much more evenly matched battle with some committed play from both teams. Fareham had a purple patch where they managed to gain a rash of short corners. The Staines defence dealt with these pretty well but arguably should not have conceded so many. Eventually the law of averages came into play when Fareham eventually scored from one. An angled shot just clipped Chewy's stick enough to send Roy one way and the ball the other - into the goal. That was about the best Fareham could offer, the later quarter of the game saw Staines the more likely to score with Dan, the Tart and Lurch all having good tilts at the target. Forrest was by now getting his eye in and was regularly causing mayhem with his famous speed. The result being a 1-1 draw which on balance was probably fair.

Hero: A scattering of votes for several players - Dan, Mart the Tart, Kingsley, but with a clear majority for his best game to date Sohail deservedly claimed the award.

Berk Award: Dan forgot to bring the old woman's dress, oops. Alpo was late, and scored a superb goal for the opposition, oh dear. But for mugging old blokes with brittle bone disease, Mart the Tart claimed a slim majority.

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Concorde's last flight meets Dr Lecter.

Staines, fresh from beating Woking, were looking for a stylish game with slick passes and a good team effort. It was not quite the game Staines thought, possibly over confident about the opposition, who were down to 10 men. Sanderstead were third from bottom of the league, but Staines forgot the old team talk (Take every game as it comes).

The game got of to a pacy start, attacks came from Danny, Brendon and Chris, predominantly from the right. The attacks won a number of short corners from which Staines took a 2-0 lead in 10 minutes. Chris set himself up a couple of times, by pushing the ball too close to Keith's stick, so Keith could only pass the ball back to Chris, who scored for 1-0. Keith then got the shortie to the right of his stick to set up Brendon for the second goal for 2-0.

Staines then got far to individual, selfish and were over confident leading to mistakes which ,the opposition, when restored to 11 players capitalised on this and scored a counter attacking goal for 2-1. Staines then got another shortie and Chris set himself up again to make it 3-1. Keith had a great goal disallowed for dangerous play, before converting a shortie for 4-1. Neil made the most of sloppy opposition defending to pinch another assassins goal for 5-1. Then Simon continued his scoring form, with a slick midfield move for 6-1.

Half time came and Keith told Chris to stop setting himself up from shorties (Which Chris claimed he wasn't doing on purpose). Keith urged the team to play collectively and to gel as a team.

Second half was a story of too much individual play and squandered chances. The game changed when Keith got a penalty flick (Staines thought this would be the catalyst). Keith strolled up to the spot and put a powerful flick
towards the top left hand corner of the goal, but no Staines were stunned, Keith let Concorde fly for the last time, putting the penalty not only the goal but the fence to. Keith's first miss in two years (Beckham would have been proud). Sadly the bagpipes of Frank and the trumpet of Richard could not be with us for Concordes final fight).

The oppo were not happy with the replacement ball and in the end Edward emptied the Staines ball collection for a replacement ball. Balls were rejected on colour, weight and being like Concorde. Eventually after a 10 minute delay the game continued. Staines looked rattled for a while, but not as rattled as Andy, firstly he got green carded for bringing an oppo player down in the centre circle, minutes later the oppo no 14 (Dr H Lecter) told Andy he would lose his teeth in a minute. At which point the Notcutts sniper took down the player in dramatic fashion. The referee silenced the lambs and put Andy out of play and Dr Lecter back in his cage for yellow card offences.

The opposition sneaked a goal for 6-2, Staines mounted attack after attack with slick hockey, but hockey master (Yoda) Keith had lost his powers and had 3 misses from a yard. Staines were left baffled and the opposition won the second half 0-1.

Staines were 6-2 winners, but the performance overall was disappointing after a good start, with lack of balance, width, finishing and team play. Staines must remember that Woking isn't the only team in the league.

(BACK TO BASICS)

Man of the match: Jim Edwards for being as solid as a porch (or too anybody that isn't Neil that would be solid as a rock)

Dick of the Day: Keith for Concordes last flight and 3 missed chances.

Mens 6th XI

No surprise to see a few changes this week, as Petchy, John Hedger, Kishan and Salman were all unavailable. Indeed at one stage during the week the squad was looking thinner than my hair. On the plus side Gordon was back to provide a bit of firepower up front. We also welcomed 18-year old Tom (or Li'l Deigo) for his debut and his first game for four years. As we only had 10 we had to throw a fishing net over the 5th XI's 12th man and drag him over to Aylesbury before his game started. When we opened the net we found L'il Phil, who is not to be confused with our regular Philip.

With a major accident on the M4 causing a mild panic we set off on the tourist route via Uxbridge and Amersham, and we arrived at RAF Halton just in time for pushback. It was no surprise that we took a little while to settle as we adjusted to our new formation. During this period some dogged defending kept the home side at bay, but we kept ourselves under pressure by some 28 handicap hitting from Matty at the back.

Then we freed Gordon one on one with their centre back ... who back-peddled nervously before making a last ditch tackle. It was then that I noticed a more than passing resemblance to Danny Baker ... so I quickly scanned the stands (yes stands !!!) for signs of Gazza and 5 bellies, but in vain. Then disaster struck as Danny Baker crashed a hit inches off the ground into Gordon's ankle - a blow that gradually reduced Gordon's mobility to that of an elephant with his legs tied together.

Fortunately we already had spent a week without Gordon's front running so we swapped the side around a bit pushing Tom up to right wing and bringing L'il Phil (or just Phil) back to right half. This move definitely moved the game our way and three or four unbelievable goalmouth scrambles resulted in nothing better than a few short corners. Credit to their keeper and defenders for keeping us out. Martin and Andre were starting to get a bit of room in the middle. With half-time approaching good work from Philip and Jack freed Martin who slipped the ball to Phil, who beat three men and struck a fantastic shot that beat the keeper but hit the post. Fortunately the ball fell to Tom who slipped it to Gordon who slammed it home from a couple of yards ... the ball was hit so hard that the net seemed to wince in pain. 1-0. Within a minute the whistle went.

Half-time: Matty changed his stick in an attempt to deflect the blame for his appalling striking and Gordon emptied half a tin of Deep Freeze onto his ankle. Martin switched to right half to give Phil more freedom at the top of the diamond.

The half started right on plan as we moved the ball around before releasing Phil through the middle only to be thwarted by an infringement, result a short corner within 30 secs. This set the tone for most of the second half. Gordon despite seemingly having his legs bound together sent a couple of reverse flicks just wide of the far post, Jack was denied by the keeper, Martin shaved the post with a flat reverse stick hit, Gordon applied a deft touch through his legs to a quick hit and was unlucky to see it clip his heel. Add to this another handful of short corners and that 1-0 scoreline was looking a bit shaky.

Inevitably there was going to be a period when the home side were going to do more than just chase vainly after Danny Bakers' (or a Fat Agassi lookalike for those that have fond memories of MK's) big 16's. They came from a couple of their colts firstly one flashed an absolute belter of a cross from the right wing that was only inches away from being touched home. He then stung Andys' pads at the near post and then a mad goalmouth scramble was somehow survived. Then they won their one and only shorty of the match ... but this was easily snuffed out. This five minute period culminated in an excellent passing move that saw defenders trailing and the keeper sprawled out and a shot from the p-spot. Alas for them Martin has an old head on those old shoulders and had looped behind Andy to deflect the ball away for a long corner.

Then with 10 minutes left we won another shorty and this time Martin smashed it home via a slight deflection. As Matty indicated, the goal was celebrated by a fly-past, albeit by a single glider ... wait a minute that looks like Gazza at the controls.

Final Score : 2-0

That's four straight wins and our 100% record remains intact, but more importantly our first clean sheet - the result of excellent teamwork and spirit.

Tiger of the Day : No contest - Phil wins it for a superb demonstration of attacking midfield play
Donkey of the Day: From the opposition the player called "Sh*t" was nominated - well there must have been someone with the name because of how often it was said. However the winner was Matty for his first half mis-hitting display.

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Once upon a time on a dark and dismal Saturday afternoon Staines 1st XI stepped out onto the astro wilderness to take on the evil hockey force of Spencer. The whole 'we don't need reserves' gang was there ranging from Maggie Twinkle Toes Owens (who incidentally will feature significantly later in the tale) to Sarah Kamikaze Hamilton and Jo Who stole my hockey stick Strudley. The combination was simply unbeatable!

The first half was sheer delight for the thousands of fans who braved the weather. The passing and the movement was slick and the commitment on and off the ball inspired thanks to the wizardry of coach Shay O'Connell. Nicki, still flying high on the fumes of the night before, tirelessly ran circles around the Spencer midfield and formed an unbeatable partnership with Sue Duracell Battery O'Connell as they weaved up and down the middle of the pitch confusing Anna Headless Chicken Truman over in the hockey abyss that is the left. The four goals scored by Jo Ive and Sarah Chandler were the result of many battles against the keeper but all four of their professional deflections were unstoppable and completed the majestic moves flowing down from the defence.

The second half gave Staines the opportunity to parade their fitness and they embraced the challenge with enthusiastic fervour. Right midfielder Mellie led the way and earned the title Drag Flick Attfield after a mind boggling penalty corner display of excellence which will forever be a slogan for Shay's 'Positive Mental Attitude' campaign. Sarah Kamikaze Hamilton carried on the standard set with two goals typical of her boundless commitment and her on-going death wish. But the excitement was not yet over and it is necessary to paint an entirely different scene for you, set all the way down the other end of the pitch where a goal keeper stands and waits patiently for her chance to shine....

The ball, against play, finds itself moving towards our defensive end and instantaneously the atmosphere becomes stifling and tense as the clouds descend lower and the scene darkens. But look....a figure running....she's nearing the ball....she's going to pass the ball back to her eagerly awaiting team mate....we're saved...we don't have to run all the miles back afterall...oh but wait...who could it be approaching the ball...no...it can't be....its not possible....it surely isn't Mags Twinkle Toes Owens???

But under the blinding light of the artificial sun it's unmistakable...it is the infamous Mags Twinkle Toes Owens and distracted by the thousands in the crowd the exhibitionist in her cannot let the moment pass. So to satisfy the fans' insatiable appetite for entertainment Mags falls into a cross between an Irish Jig, inspired by Captain McClean, and a break dance, as yet unfamiliar to the Staines dancing circles. However as a result the ball trickles past the renowned dancer over the back line for....a corner??? Umpire, no need to sympathise with Mags - Twinkle Toes Owens will be the first to admit she didn't get anywhere near the ball!

So as the game nears its conclusion, as a fitting end to the excitement of the day, there was opportunity for one final goal from that drag flicker and, in her own words, it was a "pathetic push, that dribbled under the goalie's pads" but nevertheless secured the absolute battering of Spencer leaving them disconsolate and desperate to leave. Staines waved goodbye sweetly as they nibbled on the six varieties of Sandwich left by Jo who stole my stick Strudley who incidentally had to dash off at the end of the game...undoubtedly to report to the local constabulary that her stolen stick had been kindly returned to her and placed, very thoughtfully, back in her stick bag.

Man of the Match - Nicki Walsh
Dick of the Day - hmmm.....Mags Owens

Ladies 2nd XI

This week's friendly game was another 10 o'clock start. This was despite Juliet's captaincy campaign speech centring on that with her as captain there would be no more early morning starts! We were expecting a hard game, after last year's 3-0 loss against the 'stoke. With a number of people missing from the usual line-up and a frosty/ frozen pitch, the tension was heightened at the start of the game.

The tension continued in the first five to ten minutes of the game with Staines receiving sustained pressure in our own 22. We made it hard for ourselves by repeatedly clearing out to the opposition, who rallied for another attack. We'd perhaps been a bit complacent at the start of the match by the rare sight of a "kicking back".

Once we'd settled into the game we kept possession and our confidence grew. The first goal swiftly followed from a top of the D strike by Lizzie. Shortly afterwards the ball was passed out of defence by Lou with a diagonal long ball that was beautifully controlled by Helen White. She outpaced her defender in the race to the D where she crossed to Lizzie who scooped the ball into the goal from a wide angle.

The third goal came from a short-corner strike - on the second attempt by Oli Flint. Despite being told by Ali only seconds before that the ball would be stopped only and not pushed into the D, Oli was mesmerised by the perfectly stopped ball and only stirred into life by rapid arrival of the defenders. Given a second chance the strike went through the kicking back's stick and into the goal.

The good work continued in the second half following some excellent coaching tips from Matt Truman. Staines built up from the half-way line on the left flank with a series of good 1-2 passing culminating in a cross to Helen White who "dummied" the strike and popped the ball in at the post.

In the second half the friendliness of the game began to shine through. The opposition were very chatty, even being overheard to ask Juliet if she was doing anything nice this weekend. Obviously confused by this friendliness, unheard of in the League, Juliet inadvertently helped the opposition to conciliatory goal. Ju stepped up to the ball at the 16 yard hit out and made to pass the ball to Oli for her to take the hit-out. Shay's one-handed tennis ball training exercise is really starting to work and the pass was drilled hard. The umpire, the opposition and the Staines defence, as one, believed the ball to have been taken. The pass shot across to an opposition player, who in turn passed to another of their players, round a shocked Staines defence, and popped the ball in the goal.

Staines were quick to make a come-back from the soft goal. A ball out from Yvonne was deftly slipped to Lou and on to Lizzie, who first-time rolled the ball to Helen Fisher. Helen rolled the ball to Juliet, who hit the ball first-time into the goal.

The opposition had generally picked their game up in the second half. Having not been able to break through the Staines defence, they changed tacks to passing game, trying to pass around the defenders. In the last quarter of the game the opposition had a period of sustained pressure. Staines successfully defended a number of short-corners before finally succumbing to a late goal. Anya got her foot to the strike, but the spin on the ball took the ball past her and into the goal at the right post.

Lou got the players vote of Man of the Match, for her consistent leg-work and excellent forward passes. Yvonne and Oli were tied in second place, one vote behind.

Ladies 3rd XI

The superb waterbased pitch on which the Ladies commenced this game was rather a hindrance as we were ill prepared for the bounce and pace of the ball. This allowed our opponents, Basingstoke to fully capitalise on this to their full advantage and allowed them to take an early lead within minutes.

The starting line up being changed, with Jeanette moved to the middle pivoting with Claire and Linda moving to left midfield to support the forwards it was not to be. Claire Moscrop deservedly converted a penalty corner to equalise the score at half time. The visionary Captain, Kerry was quick to note that the strategy was not working and reverted the roles which produced a much influenced second half. The short passes were back in fashion! We had our chances due to a number of penalty corners being awarded, but failed, miserably. Basingstoke took the initiative from a free hit inside their half to find one of two of their players to finish it off from the top of the D.

Player of the match was Clare Moscrop.

Ladies 4th XI

The match got off to a good start with Staines defending well, Vicky performed a great diving act down the left wing whilst Becky and Clare worked well defending our goal. We had 16 players so we all took turns to roll on and off. Alison had played for the 3rds so she shouted from the side line "be strong girls.... be strong" But it wasn't to be, they had a few good forwards and won the match.