Match Reports For Saturday 1st November Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

STAINES 1 - 6 BOURNEMOUTH (Saturday)
STAINES 1 - 2 OLD WHITGIFTIAN'S (Sunday)

A disappointing weekend for Staines started on Saturday with a game against newly promoted Bournemouth. The game could not have got off to a worse start with the normally solid defence gifting the opposition two goals in the first ten minutes. With the defence then settling down and finding a bit of form Staines began to get back into the game and reduced the defecit with a well taken penalty corner strike by James Chapman. However, this was as good as it got for Staines, with Bournemouth increasing their lead to 3-1 before half time. Immediately into the second half and Staines were thrown even further behind when Bournemouth caught them on the break to take a 4-1 lead. Throughout the second half Staines' attacks became more and more desperate and the side lost a lot of structure to their play allowing Bournemouth two more goals to run out comprehensive 6-1 winners.

On Sunday Staines travelled to Old Whitgiftian's in the cup hoping to put Saturday's performance behind them. Unfortunately, it was not be with another poor display. Staines started well putting Whit's under pressure but midway through the first half Whit's broke and scored from a penalty corner. Despite going behind Staines kept plugging away and earnt themselves a penalty stroke which was missed by the normally reliable James Chapman. At this, Staines heads seemed to drop and it was not until the second half that Staines managed to put any decent moves together. With about ten minutes to go Staines drew level from a penalty corner by John Stannard and it looked like the game would go into extra time but Whit's managed to get a second goal five minutes from the end and defended well to knock Staines out of the cup.

This Saturday Staines face what is normally a very tough game away to Gore Court in Kent.

Mens 2nd XI

After last week's euphoric victory Staines were on the travel again, this time to Holcombe. Random Watson had purloined a car via Scouse and set off in his Volvo with some pretty atrocious driving skills luckily his distribution skills were better. Clive Balti was delayed coming back from Waterloo and was duly picked up en route in the same Clive style clothes he had slept in the night before. Some serious fines were later payable due to Clives' terrible faux pas.

This week we introduced yet another Ginger with Tim replacing Shagger who was awol looking at how to become a student. Sniffer Watson put himself in the middle with J.D. and Sponging Student on his sides while Timbo started at centre forward. The game commenced but Staines had been left somewhere on the M25 and Holcombe duly took advantage with Staines being pushed back deep into their own half. Andre took the trip with us and carefully started rotating players to ensure that Staines started to claw their way back in to the match. A few, somewhat interesting, umpiring decisions later and Staines were defending a short corner. Little Jase and Sponging Student running one and two saw the ball scream past goalwards to the Salmon who despite his best efforts could not prevent the goal.

A change of tempo saw Staines then start to ship the ball sideways and up the pitch as territory was regained. A few goalmouth scrambles resulted in nothing but long corners but Holcombe were riled and Staines battled on. Jase switched to centre half and Staines regained some composure meanwhile Clive was busy passing the ball to their centre forward who had trouble staying on his feet and was later carded. The original Ginger Ninja worked well down the left flank but unfortunately those in charge were unable to see the amount of fouls committed against him but despite provocation continued to play well (with some good shipping down the line too). Harvey decided that he was a bit quiet too and duly pitched in and had an interesting chat with the umpire and their centre forward. J.D in his new Peter Gabriel look waded in orca style with Beno and stopped anything attacking down their flank in their usual intimidatory style. Down the left flank the trio of Kitkat, sponging student and the Ginger Ninja passed the ball with some neat work in search of attack. The new Ginger Ninja Tim showed off his stick skills but was unluckily fouled more often than not off the ball by his opponent. 1 nil down at half time.

The second half drew a much better performance as Holcombe tired and pinball hockey commenced with passing and movement down the flanks. Staines were denied a p flick and awarded a short corner which we were unable to convert. Staines lost the ball in midfield and a three pass move saw Holcombe score another. A further similar move saw Holcombe being awarded a p flick as the umpire was unable to appreciate the quality of the Salmon's clearance. Harvey's closing statement was "I made him flick at the post" as Harvey, static, saved the flick. Further goal bound attempts by Staines were defended away by Holcombe until Tim clear on goal was taken out and despite our efforts a p flick opportunity was declined. The resulting short corner was roofed but would not count. Sniffer Watson one on one with the keeper had his chance but the keeper spread himself well resulting in Robbie and his stick hurtling towards the goal line minus the ball.

Overall a 2 nil loss as we had our chances but were unable to convert them .The return leg at Faulkners, with a change of umpires, we will expect a positive result. Staines emerge from this match a hungrier and leaner team.

Man of the match. A few votes for the Ginger Ninja and Sponging Student but with a majority result Jase took it by a country mile.
Dick of the Day. Statto nearly won it as new technology slowed down the fines process for which Jonny can only be adding a new fine for. Must be fine number 16 by now. Let me think could it be for his trousers or the dishevelled look this morning or the poor maps supplied. Nope it was for his general olly like moments shipping the ball to their centre forward and his extreme lateness having succumbed to pleasures of the flesh. It was duly awarded to Clive leading from the front and gaining a landslide 11 of the 13 votes. Hurrah!

Mens 3rd XI

The Third Battalion again had top billing at the Stadium of Light. We watched with interest our warm up act self destruct versus the Deck Chair Attendants XI. Fu's spectacular aerial disturbed the foraging seagulls and crows on the cricket square more than the Bournemouth defence. Matt Truman had returned but had a fruitless and lonely time up front, although he was always accompanied by his marker who had gone into geostationary orbit around Matts girth and could not break free of the gravitational pull if he had wanted to. It was now up to the 3's to try to clear the pall of depression that hung across the Astro like an eggy fart in a confined space.

Pathfinder Quinlan returned, looking for sympathy by playing with a cold and sore throat. (Robbie Watson keeps nicking my players and only gives them back when they are damaged - I bet he broke all his toys as a child !). The impressively built Rob Godfrey manned the goal as Royston is away and Mart the Tart agreed to lead the line for one more week defying doctors orders (I'm sure a nasty rash does not stop you playing ?). Staines very kindly provided both umpires thanks to the services of Jon Howell and Mick Martin. Predictably Mr Safety lost the toss, but a vicious stare defied the CoP player to select the best end (sun wise) so happily the Blue Crew started with the sun on our backs. This proved to be a very eventful game and drew gasps of admiration and cries of surprise from the crowd in equal measure. In brief the key events are as follows:-

a/ Within a couple of minutes Staines won a short corner, Rowley/Rengger set it up for a Big Jim flick which bounced over the keepers stick into the net, 1-0. Applause and cheers from crowd.
b/ A moment of slack marking saw CoP manage to level only a minute later, 1-1. A ripple of polite clapping.
c/ Umpire Mick awards a P-flick to Staines. The crowd gasps and goes quiet. Big Jim steps up and deftly converts to restore the lead 2-1.
d/ Umpire Jon hands out a rash of green cards as the game tempo is upped into a tremendous end to end battle. Crowd hopping up and down with excitement.
e/ Staines win another short. Shot powered in, bounces off keepers pads to be swept home by the lurking Mr Safety. Loud cheers from crowd who start chanting "You're not sailing any more, you're not sail-ing any more...". 3-1.
f/ The ever strict Umpire Jon then gave CoP a P-flick, against Chewy Patel, probably the fairest and least violent player in the history of Staines H.C ! Loud booing from the crowd, one spectator threatened to set his Labrador loose on him. CoP netted although Rob so nearly pulled off a save, 3-2.
g/ Half time, stern team talk about discipline, marking, tackling, application etc. Crowd does Mexican wave and applaud us back onto the pitch.
h/ After about ten minutes of charging up and down the pitch Lurch acquired the ball around the half way line, advanced and then drilled a high speed ball at the CoP 'D'. Mart the Tart laid his stick at the right place and time to enable the ball to deflect like a rocket into the net. Crowd go mental, a woman with unfeasibly large breasts went on a streak across the pitch, 4-2.
i/ Deep into the half another short corner resulted in Mik launching himself forward in a shower of snot and flem to have a slap from wide left. The ball could have been going just wide but hit a defenders stick to enter the net. Cries of "We want more" from the crowd, 5-2.
j/ CoP bag a consolation goal when Kingsley lost the plot in a hard fought dual with their centre forward. "He's got me stick, he's got me stick" he whined, Umpire Mick was having none of it and allowed CoP to thrash the ball past the collapsing form of Godfrey who unfortunately took out Kingsley and missed the forward completely in the confusion. Oh, how the crowd laughed, 5-3.
k/ A loud TWANG was heard in the Staines defence followed by a gravely "Ouch!". Murph's hamstring had unravelled, he hobbled forward to annoy the CoP defence as best he could whilst the Tart took up sweeping duties.
l/ The Tart earned his defensive stripes by clearing the post at one CoP short corner attempt and soon after clearing the line as CoP had one last desperate attack.
m/ Full time, Staines win 5-3. A standing ovation from the crowd as we were applauded off the pitch.

Hero: An excellent team performance in the face of a very lively CoP who fought to the last cannonball resulted in a very spread vote. Sohail, Dan, Lurch, Mik all figured. But Mart the Tart won by a narrow majority lending composure to the forward line and defending well in the last minutes.

Old Woman: A difficult game to vote on this aspect. Perhaps Kingsley for confusing Rob and whining at Mick. Perhaps Rob for taking out Kingsley in the Laurel & Hardy like confusion. But in the end, with a total lack of sympathy, Sanatogan Man Murphy was awarded because his hamstring let the side down in the dying minutes.

Mens 4th XI

With a depleted side, due to half term and people being unavailable, Staines travelled up to Banbury for a start-in-the dark match at 3:30 pm. Staines knew that this was going to be a tough match and went 2-0 down early in the first half. Once we had composed ourselves, we started to look a lot more promising with Jeremy and Dean working well together and some nice work on the wing from Phil Whitington. This soon resulted in a goal from Phil Laszlo after a nice ball in from Dean. Unfortunately we could not capitalise on our period of sustained attack and the score at half time was 2-1.

After half time, Banbury came out fighting and only some solid work at the back from Colin and Brendan kept a hatful of goals out. The continued pressure from Banbury resulted in 2 more goals before we got one back, with Jez scoring from a ball in from Steve Nash after a penetrating run down the right.

A final goal from Banbury sealed the result at 5-2.

Man of the Match was Dean - and Happy Birthday!
Dick of the Day was Phil Laszlo for mouthiness but personally I thought his vocal performance was well below par.

Thanks to:
Martin for umpiring
Rod for being our 11th man at the 11th hour
Banbury for fine teas

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Well after last weeks' threadbare squad all looked rosy until Thursday with 14 or 15 players available. Then we lost four players upto the 5's who were really struggling this week as shortages throughout the higher teams caused havoc. To make matters worse Danny had to pull out on Friday night with illness. It was only because Salman had done enough homework during half-term that he was given the go ahead from his dad on Saturday morning to play that brought us up to 11.

We welcomed Bob "Knuckles Bone-Apart" Cooke for his much delayed debut after a nasty training injury and also back for a game was Adrian Petch.

The match started at a furious pace the ball moving quickly from end-to-end. After 5 minutes a powerful hit into the circle was deflected goalwards ... but into the face of the defender ... a big gash above the eye, a bit of claret and off he went to A&E for a few stitches. However, things were evened up because Petchy had tweaked his hamstring and could barely move more than a couple of yards either way. Amazing some people might say get an injury and improve your range of motion!

But seriously, a change of tactics was immediately put into effect with Gordon moving up to the attack to support Bob and the now isolated Petchy. John Wareham dropped back into the centre to work alongside Martin.

For a while John was caught a little high allowing Bicester to cut through the middle a bit too easily and it was only the rock like defending of Matty that kept our goal from a more serious threat. Then after another Bicester attack Ian demonstrated how much the colts are improving not only technically but mentally as well as he took a quick hit to Matty who released Martin in the centre, who exploited the space to drill a pass to Gordon on a diagonal run towards the left just outside the 25, who took it on and powered a cross into the circle which Petchy deflected superbly into the net .... 1-0.

The rest of the half was very competetive and a lot of hard work was put in by everyone to hold out a very determined away side. On the break there were many promising signs as Salman turned his marker with a couple of deft spins. Gordon picked out Petchy with another driven cross from the left but this time the deflection went wide. Gordon also hammered a few cross come shots from the right that would normally have been touched in but because of the pace of the away side breakaways the midfield were cautious in committing too high.

Half Time: 1-0 A fantastic team effort. The next 10 mins are crucial to the outcome. The team that wants it more will get their reward.

The good news is that we started fantastically well with some fast and accurate passing, gained some momentum by winning some short corners. The second goal was surely going to come and it did when Gordon smashed home a shorty. A few minutes later and Petchy mishit an attempted shot from about 10 yards but watched as three defenders got in a muddle and failed to clear as it trickled into the goal.

Bicester to their credit threw caution to the wind and attacked with some fantastic slick passing through the midfield .... John Ware(are you)ham was still attacking not defending ... but fortunately Matty put the hex on their forwards who consistently took the wrong option. This was best highlighted when their forward blasted a shot high and wide of the goal from the top of the D (narrowly missing our 1st XI as they walked behind the goal) when his team mate was only a few yards away to the right with an open goal.

Unsurprisingly Bicester were punished for their profligacy when the ball ran loose in the D and Bob swept home like a seasoned professional to open his account on his league debut. 4-0.

The only blot on our copy book this week was that we were caught napping from the restart as Bicester one-two'd their way into the D and this time took the right option to release the ball into the inside right channel for a cross-shot into the corner 4-1.

Still time however for Gordon to add his second and our fifth to round off an excellent performance.

Full Time: Won 5-1 ... so that's played 5 won 5 ... not bad for a development side

Tiger of the Day: After a four-way tie between Philip, Bob, Gordon, and Matty it was Bob who took the vote on a show of hands.

Donkey of the Day: Petchy walked off with the award for not warming up his old hamstrings properly, and for scoring a flukey second goal.

What a great team performance, especially considering the loss of Tom, Kishan, Andre, and Jack to the higher teams. It was good to see more solid performances from all the colts and especially to see Ian setting off the first goal with a quick hit, and also Philips' drive and determination to get into the D from left half which could easily have seen him score his first goal. Next week we travel to Harrow - who are struggling at the moment so let's hope we win before going head to head with OMT's the only other 100% team in the league.

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

A 'warm' sunny day, the setting of our play
Arrive the young and fit, ready for the fray
Staines all in white
Hail the gallant knights!
Hendon knew not what came their way

A blast of the whistle, the pressure is on
Magnificent passing! A 2 on 1!
Staines are away
O the dismay
A penalty corner been won...

Fast is the pushout, faster the stop
It's Ruth Hine with the aerial drop!
Henden in awe
Though it flies ov'r
Ruth redeems with a shot from the top

From then on its swift, Hendon not pleased
As Walshy's skills brings them all to their knees
Before long its two
'Not Enough!' says Sue
And the fans heartily agree (Well. Lucy.)

Back on the turf, the defence were battered
As the forwards broke through, hopes were shattered
A spin from Jo,
Its another goal!
Through the legs of the keeper, she lies knackered

Speaking of legs and injury
One must draw attention to dear Strudley
Who ran up the wing
Knocked her own knee in passing
and thus won dick of the day

One more goal, though there should have been more
Truman deflects from the far left post cor
-ner, And it seems
I've run out of stream
This rhyming thing is getting harder

But it must be said, we didn't play well
At the end of the match, 'twere our heads that fell
Though our role was done, all goals scored
The oppo well and truly floored
We'll look to bigger and better games
And the cry of our hearts always the same...

I'm a Staines hockey player, get me out of this league.

Men of the Match: Jo Ives and Sue. You run for the young ones!

Dicks of the Day: Kerry Maskery for squealing like a pig when she had an air shot a 'strike' on goal and Jo Strudley...just because it's Jo and that she had found her stick.

or

Staines had a tough match against Hendon who were also the only team in the league to not drop a point of concede a goal. However, Staines shone from the outset and won a short corner soon into the game, when Ruth Hine started off the scoring with a great arieal goal. Staines kept up the pressure and Nicky Walsh made it 2. The Staines forward line kept pushing forward and with some great balls from midfield setup the 3rd goal for Jo Ive to score. From the defence Jo Strudley ran up the wing and passed a great ball for Anna Truman to hit home making the final score 4 - 0, Staines still unbeaten, still without conceding a goal.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

Yippee!!! We won our first league game.

The match got off to a good start with Staines getting past the mid field with a few near shots at goal, Ellie took us into the lead in the first half with a very speedy run down the center,and on target-well done Ellie!!! The rest of the team battled hard to keep the lead, Clare, Heather and Becky kept up a good defence, all in all it was a nice morning bright and sunny with a few hung over girls (you know who you are!!)