Match Reports For Saturday 8th November Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

On Saturday Staines faced the long trip into Kent to play Gore Court looking to turn around their poor form of the previous weekend. The game started brightly with both sides keenly contesting the ball in midfield and moving the ball around well. Spaces were hard to find and it was Gore Court who had the first few chances but thanks to great
goalkeeping by Neil Hallsworth the ball was kept out. As the first half progressed Staines began to dominate the midfield and took the lead through some great interplay down the right between Stuart Hall and Adam Hart. They
fashioned a chance for James Chapman, and it was from the rebound to his strike that James Hall scooped the ball over the goalie for Staines to take the lead. Staines were lifted by this and created more chances stretching the Gore Court defence at every opportunity while the defence held firm and dealt comfortably with any breaks. Five minutes before half time Staines increased their lead with a strike by Stuart Hall after some lovely hockey by Ben Brooks, Mark Hampton and Tim Griggs. Just before half time Gore Court broke and won the first penalty corner of the game and converted it clinically to reduce Staines' lead.

Into the second half and again Gore Court started strongly with their attacks being dealt with by Mike Farmer, John Stannard and Geraint Hughes. However as the half wore on chance after chance came and despite some brilliant goalkeeping by Hallsworth Gore Court scored an equaliser. Staines continued the fight and and not long after this setback returned to the lead. Stuart Hall poaching another goal from a penalty corner rebound after good work by Mark Hampton won the initial corner. At this Gore Court heads dropped and it was left to Staines to play out the rest of the game, with a cameo appearance by Neil Toulson, for a hard fought victory.

On Sunday Staines travelled the short distance to top of the table Ashford for an HA trophy game and lost 4-3. Going 2-0 down early on to two penalty corners put Staines on the back foot but they stuck at it and reduced the scoreline from a penalty corner by James Chapman. Unfortunately in the second half Staines went further behind due to a couple of errors before a spirited fightback saw two goals for Mark Hampton reduce the deficit and produce a bit of pressure on the Ashford side. However, Ashford closed the game out and it is they who go through to the next round. Staines now look forward to their league game in two weeks time. This Saturday Staines are at home to Henley in the league.

Mens 2nd XI

This week we were at home playing East Grinstead. Last year's league winners. The Ginger Ninja took us through a new pornstyle warm up routine. I always knew he had another job. The usual suspects were all playing for Staines but this week we included Matt Ginger Truman upfront for some added fart? or firepower. Jason Wildebeeste and shagger Hine had instructions to hold the middle between them. Sniffer Watson was sweeper with Clive being the warm up bench boy. JD and Sponging Student holding the flanks on either side.
The game commenced with East Grinstead coming straight at us and denying us any space or time on the ball. Scouse was busy slaying their forward line and once or twice we found ourselves successfully defending away short corners care of the salmon's boot. Big bertha Ben was shot down and concussed by the Notcutts sniper and Clive came on to help defend the short corner in his own inimitable style. The salmon was called into action as their slightly nauseating centreforward flicked the ball across to the far post and the salmon practically cartwheeled himself across the face of the goal to deny East Grinstead. Matt Truman through on goal in the D was scythed and chopped down for which Mick Martin correctly awarded a p flick. Sniffer Watson ran the length of the pitch, gun in holster, and straddled up to take it. He set himself up nicely, legs cock width apart, body 2 inches horizontal off the ground, stuck his arse out a bit and launched the ball into the left hand corner of the goal. 1 nil to Staines. East Grinstead upped the ferocity of the game but we held our composure as their attacks turned into little but free hits for Staines. Andre's substitutions kept the forward and defence lines busy and ball hungry as we held our territory and the ball.
The second half started and we found ourselves defending a short corner. The Whippets, Sponging Student and Shagger running one and two could do nothing as the ball deflected off Sponging Student's right foot and went in between Big Bertha and the Salmon for a goal. Further short corners courtesy of Clive's foot and Sponging Student's tackling were beaten away as East Grinstead were unable to launch the ball out. Some good work up the right flank by Big Bertha and JD, solid but large as ever, were unfortunately stopped by East Grinstead who packed that side of the pitch aware of the stature of the two big boys. Staines' response was to switch flanks and attack up the other side with the Ginger Ninja doing some excellent work shipping the ball up the line for KitKat with his newfound stroppiness to chase. Some good work by JD forced the ball through found Matt Truman clear on the goal in the left hand side of the D to shoot at the keeper. But as the pass rocketed through to him Matt attempted to hit the ball first time but swished at it D'Artagnian style as simultaneously the Nottcutts sniper came charging through and felled Matt as he did a 360 degree turn and ended up on his arse.
In the dying minutes Staines defended away a short corner hit coming at head height towards Clive on the near post and East Grinstead's last short corner effort was tactically snuffed out via the efforts of JD who had decided what was the point in running back from the half way line when he could do it from closer. This classic counter manoeuvre thwarted the oppo's hit on goal and a 16 was awarded to Staines.
The score remained 1 all right to the last minute as a line hit out from Staines was intercepted and the resultant 3 pass move found Big Bertha stranded on his own goal line with no fault placed on Ben as East Grinstead's second goal also ended up another own goal.
Overall a disappointing loss despite the massive effort produced by Staines. East Grinstead was last years run away leaders at this highest 2nd XI level and by far the hardest opponents we have faced.
Man of the match was the Salmon due to his graceful dive and many saves.
Dick of the day was the ginger Truman with ten votes who legged it early. The tie off between JD and the Sponging Student ended with the Sponging Student making a mess of his pint and Clive's lovely frilly trackie bottoms donated by sticky's mum.

Next week Old Georgians away.

Mens 3rd XI

For a nice change an away game did not entail trailing 100 miles down to the south coast. A local game for local people at a School in nearby Epsom. Olly Tyrrell was back looking like Kurt Cobain but Murph was out injured still nursing a very tender tendon. Royston returned to net duties as the Housewives Favourite and Mart the Tart returned to the 4's. On his debut, on loan from the 2's, was the welcome sight of Jerry Gardian whom was to be tested to see if he could last a full 70 minutes. You will never guess who arrived last, after dropping off a consignment of nylon carpets and imitation leather handbags to Hounslow market, with his fur all matted and grubby whiskers - he had obviously had a night on the tiles!

The game started after Mr Safety had predictably lost the toss. Epsom applied some early pressure and clearly looked like they deserved to be top of this division. However the Blue Army absorbed the early attacks and confidence built up to construct some very good forays of our own. Although possession wise was rated at 50/50, Epsom were able to conjure more actual goal threatening attempts. Fortunately the back line held up well with some excellent sweeping from Jerry and a couple of fine interceptions from Royston. Mr Safety had the dubious pleasure of marking their 6 foot 6 winger who makes our Forrest Kercher looks sluggish. Given the chance the Epsom winger was off like a Gazelle. Fortunately the experience and cunning of the Staines left back ensured he got next to no chances. The half wore on with good team work and application by Staines matching Epsoms' undoubted skills and pace. Then tragically 5 minute before half time Epsom latched on to a miss controlled ball, it bobbled loose but an Epsom attacker was first to collect again, managing to slip it past Roy. Half time 0-1 down.

Second half and Staines were on the offensive for about 5 minutes until an early short corner was conceded. The first Epsom shot was blocked but the Epsom centre forward made no mistake roofing the second. Could we find a way back from 0-2? The Blue Crew (although playing in white) pressed forward our hard working midfield managing to generate a number of assaults into the Epsom half. Rodders seemed very happy anchoring the centre with Big Jim and Dan grafting away either side. Time and again Sohail, Olly and Pathfinder Quinlan managed to find their way to the Epsom D but couldn't quite get the directions right to find the net. Our endeavours did manage to achieve a few short corners. The second of which resulted in the left post lurker, Mr Safety, pouncing on the loose ball and calmly flicking the ball over the keepers outstretched leg to get one back. Epsom were far from finished with us and catching us on the break managed to capitalise on another lucky bounce and a slip by a defender giving Roy no option but to come out on a charge. However the Epsom attacker was no mug and managed to find the net. With a 2 goal cushion, one of their players off on a yellow and barely 10 minutes to play, Epsom played tactically by sitting back and defending on mass. Although this allowed Staines to press into the Epsom half for most of this period it was to no avail. Final result a 1-3 loss. However the positives were that this was an excellent team effort by Staines with some very good passing and interplay, beaten by the better side on the day who knew how to take the few goal chances offered.

Hero: Mik got a vote, but at 5 votes each between Mr Safety and Jerry it went to a recount, with Jerry the winner for a fine debut for us. Yes he can last a full 70 minutes.

Silly old sod: Everyone was reluctant to vote for anyone based on pitch performance as it genuinely was a good effort from the whole team. However for being a complete berk by leaving his kit bag lying in the middle of Staines Club car park and driving off, thereby having to sponge bits of kit off everyone else, Kingsley won with a landslide. He looked lovely in the pink gown, which complemented his complexion nicely.

Mens 4th XI

An early start this weekend as we arrived at Staines for 9.30am. Too early for Hudson, who had still not turned up for the beano lager and Chinese food-a-thon from the night before and also too early for the car containing Eastcotes' goalkeeper so a bit of hanging about was the order of the day. Finally, everybody had arrived and the game got underway with some fine scrappy hockey from both sides. It was clear that there was alcohol leaking from most pores on the pitch as Deano's eyes looked like he had made them himself with a razor blade and some of Amanda's lipstick. The first 15 minutes were like the final of a formation tramp dancing contest with much shuffling up and down the pitch with finely executed clumsy collisions and lurching about from both teams. It wasn't pretty to say the least. In fact I've seen prettier girls on Duncan Fosters' arm. Anyway a goal had to go in at some stage and it fell to the Tart with a good drunken run across the top of the D that nobody is quite sure how it made it to the backboards of the Eastcote goal but it did and we cheered. Our second goal was caused by The Porn King Hudson falling into the D still with the ball to swing his stick at the round dimply thing (Not Laszlo), which bobbed it's merry way across to the Tart who rounded the keeper for another Staines goal. Cheering was getting feebler but it was still there.

Our half time talk was one that was full of revelation, well, mainly that somebody sober pointed out that we were not actually playing in dense fog. A few rubbed eyes later and everyone was in agreement that the haze people were experiencing was only "the morning after the night before".

The second half didn't look much better than the first to be honest. A lot of needless giving the ball away by Staines in defense which Eastcote were emulating at their end as well. Something had to give and an Eastcote forward swung wildly at a cross at the top of our D to put just enough top and spin on the ball to see it pirouette like Alpesh on a dance floor into the far corner whilst our brave and handsome keeper tried to dislocate his hips, knees and ankles in a valiant attempt to make his right leg 6 inches longer. Enraged now our Blue boys stumbled after the game and pulled out more stops to grab another goal, the Tart claiming his hat-trick after a nice Hudson supplied pass giving the Monkey boy a reverse stick goal to add to his tally. You could see him starting to sweat when he realised that his actions would cost him a jug of lager. Perhaps. Cheering was barely audible. The game wobbled on and in a fit of bravery, our very own Action man, Colin Reed collected the ball on our 25 and scrabbled his way past 1 through the legs of another and neatly danced past another before, I can only assume feeling guilty, or perhaps he didn't want to be singled out as a ringer from a higher team, I just don't know, but he then neatly and with great precision passed the ball on to the Eastcote centre forward, who ran in and slotted the ball past me. Muchos Gracias Mr Reed, I must remember you on my Christmas card list. I know that Eastcote will..... Now, where was I.... Oh yeah, 3-2......... Ah. Now, here's the part where I digress a little in a Ronnie Corbett, "I said to my producer" style moment. Ear Trumpets. Hearing aids. Cupping your hand up to the side of your head. Pushing your ears forward from behind. Staring at the remote control and pushing the "mute" button on and off. Flying over to Switzerland, buying an Alpine horn, flying back to Heathrow and sticking the small end in your lug-hole, whilst pointing the fat end at whatever it is you are trying to hear. Still no joy? It couldn't be. Nooooooo. It would be most unlikely. Good Lord, no, this does not compute. Laszlo isn't making any noise. Back to the game now and at 3-2 things had to improve for the team in blue or face an embarrassmen Forrest was seen to be "Meep Meeping" down the right wing and after several good runs throughout the game finally one was rewarded with a cross to the Tart who converted for his 4th with another reverse stick effort. Some other notable moments in this game were courtesy of Gloria Rengger who managed to lob the ball over the prone Eastcote keeper from 6 yards out. Over the keeper the ball sailed, over the goal too unfortunately, over Staines' ground, over Surrey and most of England before it finally knocked James off of his giant peach who was sailing pleasantly over the Channel at 12000 feet. I'm sure the death of young James will be mourned, not only by a motley collection of arachnids and insects and the like, but by Children for generations to come. Steve. Are you reading this you b@stard? Dunners had some rather worrying runs into the Oppo's half beating all comers before looking down, realising he was in his dressing gown and slippers, losing the ball and having to try to find his way back to the care workers in defence, who would skillfully reassure him that a) the war had finished and b) that he mustn't wander off like that, whilst kneeling on his chest and administering a tranquilizing shot to the arm. Gnasher Nash was able to answer the "How many short corners did Eastcote get" question by simply counting the dents in his legs whilst Alex, sniggering into his cuff would kick the ball again in the D allowing Eastcote to perfect Gnashers pins into Twiglett replicas. It may seem from this report that we didn't play very well, but that's simply not true, we played very well in patches and badly in others but that's the 4's for you.

MOM = Martin "Run Forrest run" Kercher

DOD = Reedy

Oh and because it was so early, the bar wasn't open for Martin to buy us his hat-trick jug of lager. Next weeks game hopefully will be in Stringfellows Nightclub. That will teach the tight git.

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

A slate grey sky, a fine misty drizzle, a chilling breeze - a dismal start to a Saturday morning. This week the little goblins had reduced our squad to a mere 8 players on Thursday. A bit of arm twisting led to Martin the Barman and Lee "Ankles" Atkinson being persuaded to play. Only one problem remained - no keeper. A few wild promises led to Dazza the Sicknote being given the helmet.

The brisk wind carried upon it a veritable cornucopia of odours ... from Lyclear eating away at any bugs on Shrek ... you'd have thought he would have just eaten them for breakfast, the stinging pungency of Deep Heat from Dazza, and the exotic spices of burning sandalwood and myrhh. This last smell appearing from the home end as they did their warm-up around smoking cauldrons accompanied by the Transcendental mantra "OM NAM ME PADME OM" ...

Soon it became apparent that their Hare Krishna routine was taking effect as several of their players seemed to transcend the shackles of their lower team existence - gaining excellent speed, agility and acceleration - and tearing a few large holes in our rather young defensive line. We slowly but surely started to get some play and it became a distinct contrast in styles with Staines trying to work the ball through the midfield up to the forwards, whilst the home side opted for the big hit down the pitch to their fast runners. With Dazza not used to being in goal it was a bit of a worry everytime one of their attacks penetrated the circle. However, give him his due he stood his ground and made enough of a nuisance to make their forward snatch a couple of shots. Unfortunately there was nothing he could do when another Harrow break saw the ball switched to the back post for a simple goal ... rats 0-1.

A few minutes later and another break saw their centre forward perform a wild fresh air shot at the top of the circle, Martin and Matty took evasive action from the flailing Kevlar ... but Harrow played on and scored ... so whatever happened to dangerous play then ... should have been a 16 ... damn 0-2.

Time to roll our sleeves up and get stuck in. Gordon took a quick hit to Martin who had drifted to the near post unmarked. Martin flicked the ball onto the post but before the loose ball could be swept home Neil had blown for lifting into the circle - bad call ?? - the ball was slightly raised but their was nobody with 10 meters of the line of the ball and it had bounced at least once before entering the D. Gordon had started the 1st half sprinting around like a turkey before Xmas but then slowed down as his foot injury deteriorated and then by the end of the game his mobility was almost like that of the turkey at 3pm on Xmas day. So bad in fact that he's having to rest it for a couple of weeks to see if it heals.

With no sign of the Transcendental powers wearing off Martin was having to drop deep to try to slow up the counter-attacks ... especially as Barman was looking a bit off the pace at right half (not surprising having only played once in a few years), and Andre was having to cover lots of ground to help make up for Gordon's injury.

Half-time : 0-2 Well this is a strange feeling ... behind at half-time.
I was told that their keeper had made a back stick save earlier on and then swept it away also with the back of the stick - but this was missed by the umpires. Pity we didn't have Edward ... p-flick and yellow. We had played reasonably well but were struggling to cope with the speed of their attackers as they went one on one against our young colts. A cunning re-organisation was made ... Barman was brought into the centre to concentrate on distribution with Lee moving back to right half to help out ... leaving Kishan and Gordon up front.

A very promising start to the half saw Barman find Andre cutting through to the top of the circle but the danger was snuffed out. With the extra man in midfield the big hits from the home side were not giving them quite so much joy on the counter-attack, and also we were turning the ball back into their D at much more regular intervals. Kishan now playing more inside-right was getting more ball and won a few short corners. The pressure on the home goal was mounting and Barman had a shot deflected onto a defenders head and off the underside of the crossbar but away to safety. Martin had a couple of shots kicked off the line by the keeper. Gordon had a reverse flick just over. Then in the goalmouth melee it looked like Gordon was certain to score but the keeper just dived on the ball and lay on it ... and lay on it ... and lay on it . Just as the question "What's the gestation period for a hockey ball?" was going through my head the whistle blew for a p-flick ... no wait a minute the umpire's not sure what to give ... the keeper gets up ... the ball had hatched and went running away chirping ... after a conflab with Neil the non-decision was a short corner. Sod. Never mind keep going ... Lee shoots at the keeper from 3 yards out who kicks it back at him hitting Lee on the knee ... the ball rebounds off the backline ... of course a 16 ... obvious isn't it.

On the break one of their Transcendental attackers got their stick to a big hit ... it flew up to his shoulder ... in fact with a quick bit of thinking he turned his shoulder to deflect the ball wide of his marker and sped away ... a bit of a melee in the D ... some third party obstruction to prevent Martin and Matty from making the tackle and the ball is at the back post being swept home for 0-3.

Only a couple of minutes and a crisp passing move straight from training saw Andre strike a clinical exocet of a shot just inside the post from the top of the D ... 1-3 ... now that's more like it. We threw caution to the wind ... almost got a 2nd as Gordon's flick went just over .. but on the break the home side scored a fourth.

Full-time: L 1-4

Interesting game, some interesting umpiring decisions, but all in all not a bad performance. The colts learnt lots this week ... and it was the first time this season they had come up against players with such pace. No problem, lets get back in the groove for next week when we take on the current league leaders OMT's. If we win then we go top of the league no matter what anyone else does.

No voting today as everyone shot off in different directions after the game and got stuck in different traffic jams. However, my Donkey vote goes to the Harrow club for not providing teas - miserable lot ! Fortunately when we got back we managed to fill ourselves off the 5th XI remainders - or as we found out later - Keith's tea - sorry Keith , we'll buy you a pint next week !!!

Thanks to Neil for getting out of bed early to blow the whistle for us - it was appreciated - but only just !

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

The women in white once again mirrored the England rugby results with what started as a surprisingly more difficult game against an underrated West Hampstead team on their home turf. Perhaps it were the intimidating football goalposts bolted on the outside of the hockey goals that fazed the Staines players with many a shot going wide and many a foot kicking the ball. Indeed, whatever the reason, Staines found themselves surprisingly down 1-0 within a few minutes of the first half squandering possession and rarely looking dangerous. Shot after shot was saved, a first-time volley from Kerry looking goalbound saved impressively by the keeper and the aerial magic of Ruth Hine saved on the line by their centre defence. Psychologically however Staines managed to fight back with a goal from Anna
Truman just one minute from half tim, but it certainly at the time appeared a struggle.

But the second half saw the revival of the supreme Staines dominance, Jo Ives planting in a short corner deflection from the right post. Quick passing from right to left and attacking two-on-ones, the sexy hockey continued, man of the match Christina Lind scoring from open play and then managing to win a penalty flick, which was neatly secured to the left hand side netting by Mel Attfield.

Right. Now we have the serious stuff over with, one must come to the most important battle - competitions for Dick of the Day. Fantastic and whole-hearted attempt from Anna Truman who locked herself in the toilets, frantically trying to climb out as, as fate would have it, her toilet began to flood. However, on pitch infringements take precedance, and Baldy 'The Bleeder' Hamilton won hands down (or bums down?) with her attempt at bobsledding on the astro...when nobody touched her and without vital protective equipment. Upon winning the DOD bathrobe, she decided to grace this with her own blood from the incredible war wound on her backside. True dedication.
Rugby, anyone?

Ladies 2nd XI

The first brisk morning of the hockey season brought out the best display of hockey yet this season from the Ladies 2's. They applied the pressure from the start and it wasn't long before Yvonne skillfully pushed forward from defence to pass a first class ball to Debbie Hampton to score and put Staines in the lead. Staines continued to pass the ball around excellently and made use of all free spaces on the pitch. The second goal came from a superb run by Helen Fisher down the right hand flank to crack a ball across for Juliet Porter to sweep it in the goal making the score 2 - 0. Staines were hungry for more goals and Lou Delaney and Helen White in midfield kept the pressure on for Staines to score more goals. The final goal came from a short corner strike from Claire Woods to see Lizzy Hamilton pounce on the rebound to make the final score 3 - 0. A fantastic team performance all helped by some solid defending from Caroline Barnes and Ali Schomberg.

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

We played at Feltham on the astro, the match got off to a bad start with Sunbury scoring two goals in the first 10 mins, ( with only 10 players!). Staines didn't get it together until the second half with Michelle Brink cheering us on from the side line, we managed to score two goals in the space of a few minutes, that made us more confident, until Sunbury came back at us with another few goals, oh well you cant win them all!! Well done to all the team and better luck next week.

Thank you to Michelle for your support, and to Heather for being our stand in Captain xx

goal scorers - Tanya - Dina