Match Reports For Saturday 22nd November Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Taking on top of the table Ashford with players unavailable made a tough game even tougher!! However, Staines put in a good performance and were disappointed to let in three goals during a sloppy spell in the second half. The first half performance was very strong with the defence holding firm against a number of useful Ashford attacks with goalie Neil Hallsworth and defenders John Stannard and Liam Greene all making goal line clearances. With the defence keeping Ashford at bay, the midfield began to find a bit of room and advanced Staines into the Ashford half with some excellent running down the right by Adam Hart. A couple of penalty corners were all the blue army had to show for their efforts and these were not converted.

At half time Staines were pleased with the performance so far and looked to continue this into the second half.

The second half started in a similar pattern to the end of the first. Neither side creating any clear chances and the midfields in a tight battle. However a break by Ashford saw them move the ball quickly up field for a breakaway goal which was excellently finished. Staines did not let their heads drop and pushed to gain an equaliser but with them not having much luck against an uncompromising Ashford defence chances were rare. Soon Staines won a penalty corner and as John Stannard controlled the ball, he received a push from behind - Staines' cries for a penalty stroke were
brushed aside by the umpire and play continued after an injury to an Ashford player. With another chance going begging Ashford again broke forward and slipped in a second with a deflection to a cross which deceived Hallsworth in the Staines goal. Soon after this Staines went further behind with the rebound from a penalty corner falling nicely for an Ashford forward. With nothing to lose Staines pushed forward for the rest of the game with James Chapman and Geraint Hughes prominent in the midfield but still the chances would not come for the Staines forwards. Some sterling defensive work from Gary Kemish - making his debut, kept Ashford out when they did break in the final few minutes and the score remained at 3-0 to Ashford.

This coming Saturday Staines entertain London Wayfarers looking for three points before two more top of the table games against Maidenhead and Brighton.

Mens 2nd XI

Roll call was conducted and the squad sat down to watch the victorious England team deservedly win the Rugby World Cup. No apologies to anyone Australian who is reading this. It's your fault you are and I'm not. It was positively lashing it down as we watched the match and observed the ladies playing before us come off the astro soaked through. My sources tell me J D was well lashed up the night before at Gizz's and made Clive's perpetual lateness seem punctual. Luckily Ashford turned up with barely ten minutes before push back in their rude boy Novas.
Stepped outside barely crossed the car park and we were soaked. Luckily Keith's new hockey shirts and warm up tops were a saviour as they were easier to run in when wet than the previous issue. Full marks there to Keith even though they look like football shirts.

Another jig about for Sniffer Watson this week. Douglas was sweeper; Dutch (hey you guys) Jerry was centreback. Clive and Scouse having paid penance were back at right and left back respectively. Big Bertha Ben had gone to watch the rugby in the Telstra stadium or get engaged. Honestly can't you do those things in the midweek? Hockey comes first. No seriously congratulations to Ben on his good news. The Ginger Ninja and Jason were called up to the ones. In the midfield no changes were made and up front were Danny the porcupine lynx effect, Matt Truman and Kit. Robbie has somehow come up with the most unfunny name for Kit calling him Gillette Mach 3. The reason was so poor I've forgotten why but that's his name anyway. It has got to be worth a vote next week.
The surge of adrenalin from watching the rugby filtered through the old grey matter as within five minutes of push back we were two nil up with Ashford shot to pieces. Both attacks coming from down the left flank (makes a change). Sponging Student creamed one in to Matt who was in the right place to put the ball into the bottom right hand corner. The second goal was a near mirror image of the first. With good work from Scouse, Sponging Student and Kit who crossed to the Lynx Effect, the keeper parried the resultant shot from Danny with Sniffer Watson despatching it into the bottom right hand corner.

As the adrenalin wore off Ashford clawed their way into the match with some skills from their centre forward and right half that created problems for us. Dougie then had his moment. After turning up injured Dougl(ass) hurt his already injured back stretching for the ball and was unable to further participate in the match. Sniffer Watson ran the length of the pitch to scream me, me, I want to be sweeper. So he was and balance was restored. Jerry was happy to pass the ball back while Clive and Scouse were no longer stood by the sidelines waiting for late missiles to arrive at their feet. Ashford's first short corner somehow crept in between Clive and the Salmon, via one all mighty swing that could have literally sent the ball anywhere but goal bound. Their second shortly after via a massive windmill hit also crept in via a similar manner.

In the second half despite the bad weather the game flowed freely with attacks from both sides. Notably Clive and Jerry did some sterling work to block the attacks as they homed in on our goal. Scouse shipped the ball up the line well and the interplay between J D and Clive was very good. Danny the quiet one popped up in every conceivable place up front to rip Ashford's defence apart, causing havoc and his positional play was excellent in creating spaces and chances. Matt Truman did his customary stationary skill thing and gained us various short corners. The third goal came from a Truman special belter which beat the keeper and Staines fourth goal was courtesy of some good build up play down the right. Jonny crossed the ball to Danny who passed to Matt within the D. The resultant shot from Matt was stopped just in front of the goal line by the last defender standing. Matt's shot proved too powerful as the ball made contact with the defenders stick, hand and foot. Sniffer Watson stepped up in his customary cowboy outfit, gun in holster, legs six foot apart and forced the ball to the keeper's right to put us 4 goals to 2 up. Ashford got a last goal that crept in to which the Salmon had much to say too. His earlier justice had by now been dished out. Staines won 4-3 with some well grafted attacks and an excellent performance all round.

Man of the Match and Dick of the Day were as devious as ever. Man of the match was Matt Truman with six votes for 2 good goals at just the right time. Dick of the Day was a closer affair. Third was Robbie, second was Jonny but this week's winner for bricking it was Dougie and his bad back.

This week's fines were doubled due to who we were playing. J D led the way by doing the Dick of the Day drink for Dougie who was off alcohol. I don't know honest. For being exceptionally late, for having known better, being the fines master and having lagered it up the night before, knowing we were playing Ashford the next he did his pint of snakebite in 5.4 seconds. But….. with a serious amateur error of using the wrong hand he had to do it again. There was also conspiracy afoot. Clive raised the issue of false accounting and dud votes in the jar. Sniffer Watson who had been awol escaped the blame, leaving Dougie as weights and measures to guess who of the four culprits was to blame. Shagger Hine, Porcupine, Mach 3 and Sponging Student all stood condemned. It wasn't looking good for Sponging Student having been singled out but a mass fine was suitable punishment with all four culprits being blamed. Scouse nipped off early and as such has a bit of catch up drinking to do next week. There's no escape Scouse even if you are behind on targets for hubcap stealing.

Next week Oxford hawks away and we are no longer bottom of the league. With sheer bloody hard work and effort its starting to look good.

Mens 3rd XI

Their version is below ours!

After the abundance of players last week we were reduced to the bare eleven for our journey up the M1 to Milton Keynes. Our eclectic mix of players eventually turned up at MK in dribs and drabs, with Lazslo and Murph appearing somewhat belatedly with Jimbo and Danny's kit in tow. Mention was made of car, smoke, fire, forgot to pick up the kids, Bedfont and Feltham for the late arrival.

Talking of kit we seem to have formed this habit of players forgetting to bring their kit this season and true to form, Leeroy didn't disappoint having to play the game in his pyjama bottoms since he forget his shorts! Dooaahhh !

Anyway onto matters more hockey related. We lined up with a new look team on an inviting water based astro that had soaked up the wet weather, although a sub, preferably one with a periscope, would have helped given the conditions. It all started quite well with a disciplined display from Staines. A couple of early opportunities to score from open play and short corners went begging which, on reflection, might have changed the course of the game. However MK soon formed a couple of good attacks and scored first after our midfield lost the ball in the middle of the park. 1-0 down we battled in vain with some useful runs on the wing by Martin Kercher and fine individual work by Dan and Leeroy. We pressed and pressed their half but just couldn't put the ball into their goal. Eventually, a couple of crucial minutes in the middle of the game where we didn't mark properly left our defence open and MK prised two quick well worked goals to make it 3-0. It would have been easy for our heads to go down but we showed our true blue mettle and continued fighting our way into their D. Eventually a well worked move saw the ball ping rapidly from defence to midfield to be fired across their keeper for Jimbo to dive across the wet pitch, Klinsman like, and latch onto the ball from a very acute angle to make it 3-1.

Things might have improved if we had managed to convert a couple of penalty corners but MK upped the pace and scored another to make it 4-1 after which we eventually got our second goal from a fine short penalty corner flick by Jimbo to make it 4-2. MK then panicked slightly with some ten minutes left but secured their win with one more goal. However, not be outdone, Staines replied with our final goal courtesy of a penalty flick, deftly converted by Jimbo for his hat-trick after Alpo latched onto a well drilled ball from Dan only to be sent flying by their keeper.

Final score 5-3 to MK but in the end it was very good fighting performance under the circumstances which was duly acknowledged by the oppo after the game over a hot cup of tea and cake.

Man of the Match - Jimbo for his well taken hat-trick although we are still awaiting the jug.

Dick of the Day - after a fine performance on the field from everyone it was going to be one those off field incidents that would take the vote. Leeroy got a couple for playing in his pyjama bottoms but the Lazslo got the final nod for being late with two players kit in tow.

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MK started the game brightly but, despite having the majority share of possession, were finding it dificult to create clear goal scoring chances as Staines defended behind the ball in numbers.

MK opened the scoring when a rare Staines' attack was broken up on the MK 23 metre line and the ensuing counter attack was converted by Ben Jackson, just before half-time.

MK came out with all guns blazing in the second half and played Staines off the park with some quality passing hockey. The home side scored three goals in 15 minutes, two from open play for Jackson, and a penalty corner conversion for Russell Brazier.

Unfortunately the home side then lost concentration at 4-0 and Staines played themselves back onto the match by taking advantage of a collective defensive lapse to score two goals in quick succession.

MK managed to re-assert their authority with a fifth goal before dozing off again and allowing Staines to find the net for a third time with a goal from the penalty spot.

Conclusion? In a rather schizophrenic performance, MK played some of their best and worse hockey so far this season. This win continues a run of five consecutive victories and consolidates the fourth place spot currently occupied in the league.

Mens 4th XI

Arriving at the pitch at 2pm saw the bedraggled, lone figure of Gnasher who due to a wristwatch / brainstorm cock up thought he was late and was seen to be panicking and running about looking for a face he recognised at the side of our Astro. No mate, 2pm meet, 2.30 push and due to the rugby over-running, everything was late anyway. Doh!

Looking up to the Heavens saw a constant stream of water cascading down into our faces, so deciding not to do that again, we marched over to the pitch and waited for the game to start huddling under the only two umbrellas we could find. The hockey playing illegal immigrant boat people must have been rounded up by HM Customs and Excise officers and herded back into their leaky vessel and pushed back into the Solent, as we could only field 11 this week but we did see Adrian "Lurch" Barnwell and Mik from the 3's and the return of Big Stuey Kemish, Sidney Patel and Mark Langdon, the latter having been eating cow pies in the US of A for a while, bloating himself up to an American size Small. Oh, and the Notcutts sniper has reared his ugly head again only this time he's meaner and he's got an elephant gun.

The cold, miserable day was reflected in the game as Ashford crumbled from the first whistle, hardly venturing into our half, let alone our 25. Our defence were on form and Barney in the middle ably assisted by Gloria, Chubby Jezza and Chubbier Mark Langdon. Up front was where all the action really was with Mik and the Tart running round like Loons to try to convert the 0-0 scoreline into something you could tell your Grandchildren about. It appeared to be shaping up into a ripping Yarn too, the sort that your Grandkids would say "F**k the Werthers Originals old man, tell us about the time you stuffed Ashford by 1 million goals to nil again.", well that was what it was looking like as the Chubby one, whilst making a nice run with the ball, was clipped by the Notcutts sniper. Fortunately, this spun him around into the air and he landing neatly into the D with the ball at his feet, for him to unleash a shot which those nice bods at Ashford redirected into the net for us. Hooray we thought. HOORAY, HURRAH and HUZZAH! Went the Chubster as he over celebrated his goal, skipping and dancing like a Scotsman with his Giro outside of a Glaswegian Off Licence. The game restarted with even more pressure as Monkey Martin wobbled into the D and collecting the ball up, he neatly reverse flicked the ball at the goal. Not the Ashford goal you understand, but perhaps a goal left behind by Neil and Buzz and their other Astronaut buddies ON THE MOON.

It seems a Rengger family illness where they don't know how tall a goal is, thinking it more akin to the Sears tower rather than the potting shed that it really is. He did make amends moments later as some tidy hockey by Gnasher resulted in the Ashford keeper making a good save, only for the Tart to be standing on guard to scoop the now chest high ball into the net. Right now for a real goal fest. Staines didn't give Ashford an inch, marking well, so that when they did get a 16 yard hit, they had nobody to pass to, the ball either going to us, or nobody at all. Mik had one disallowed for reasons best known to the Umpire, but our goal fest could not be stopped. Our goal fest, yes, that was it. Our goal fest, yes. Controlling the game. You betcha. Looking like we were going to score every 4th minute. Yes mate. Did we? Did we bugger. Ashford had a rare foray into our half, then our 25, then our D, for us to watch the ball roll harmlessly off the back line. I stopped the ball, played it to Colin, who played it to Sid, who rushed to the boot of his car, dragged out a huge wicker picnic basket and dragged it to the edge of our 25 yard line. He then opened it, pulled out a tartan blanket which he spread out on the floor and plonked himself down, cross legged whilst tucking into a scotch egg and trying to remove the nasty jelly bits from his pork pie that he had just cut into two. He looked up and had just enough time left to pass the ball, which had rolled onto his blanket and was nestling in between the cherry tomatoes and the Vimto, straight to the Ashford centre poke, who ran across the top of our D, past me and converting this Blue lack of concentration into an Ashford goal. Oooh Bugger.

Recovering quickly, we pushed Ashford back again into their goal until they almost looked like they were the little triangular British Flag and we were the advancing Nazis flags in a Hockey Rendition of the title sequence to "Dad's Army". All was well again, pressure was on until the Notcutts sniper got his trophy in fine style, shooting Jezza as he ran across the middle of the park. Jezza has added something to his usual, "3 barrel rolls, a couple of end over ends until he finally comes to a rest, panting and bleeding face down on the pitch" falling over routine. This performance we had gotten used to, but like all good things, it gets changed and not always for the best. Jeremy's addition to this routine is noise. A really strange noise that's not quite squealing, not quite shrieking, but something that sounds like the wailings of a chicken that has wandered into an Aerosmith concert and has been grabbed by a roadie, who, thinking it another of Joe Perry's odd shaped electric guitars, tries to tune it, by stretching it's neck and testicles at the same time. Most odd.

Half time was a real life saver for me as one half of my face had been numbed by the driving rain, and so with the change of ends, the elements could have a go at numbing the other side. Everyone else seemed happy enough though.

With the restart, things went all wrong, not completely you understand, as we didn't leak any more goals, Mik went off, got in his car and disappeared, but was replaced by Stuey, who turned up three quarters of the way into the first half, we thought, just for the Halibut, but no, a prearranged switch was what had just occurred.
At this point, I sensed it was safe enough to sneak off to the kitchens to prepare the after game feast, lay out the medals and put up the bunting. So off I trotted, leaving Colin asleep on Sids picnic blanket. Goals were not going to come for us in this game, having firmly placed all of the pressure on Ashford, but breaking down at the last minute for various reasons. Midfield ran out of steam, on the right wing Mark Langdon's extra belly causing him to slow to the point of being almost stationary. Gloria and Gnasher failing to link properly, in fact the only person having a whale of a time was the Notcutts Sniper, getting Jezza again, who rolled around on the floor twice more (but with only one more blood curdling scream). That's a lie, as Stuey, Monkey, Alex and most of the defence did alright, not 100% brilliant, but good enough. The N.S. also bagged an Ashford forward as well, forcing them down to 10 and after Pauline yellow carded another, Staines faced only 9 men. And against such meagre opposition all we could muster was another disallowed goal.

The game ended, the medals given out, and the teas eaten with great aplomb.

Not the finest hour for Staines, but we did beat Ashford. It should have been the fantastic game that I thought we were going to have but it was not to be.

Muchos Gracias to the Umpires for taking a soaking for us.

MOM - Me, for reasons three. One, was even though I didn't do anything, I didn't do anything wrong. Two, I managed to stay alive in a sort of Hibernation during the awful weather and three for the fantastic sarnies that I made. Bravo!

DOD - Suicidal Sid. For bringing the Christmas spirit forward a month and gifting a goal to Ashford.

Next week Jezza should be made to play in the hat for shooting off after the game complete with the MOM shirt. Arse! It was my turn to wear it and it was the only dry item of clothing we had!

Mens 5th XI

I think it safe to say that his match was relatively obsolete, compared to England wining the world cup in oz, so indeed well done to the England Ruby team (world champions). Who were Frank and Andrea supporting ?

However a hockey match had to be played and Staines took on the old enemy Croydon. The weather the same as oz raining cats and dogs. The game got underway and Staines, opened the scoring when Keith converted a goal mouth scramble, which had come from a pass into the ‘D’, from the right wing, for 1-0. Andrea then ran at the defence and converted a second for 2-0. The game then petered out as Staines kept producing predictable attacks and lacked variation. Staines had short, after short, but did not use all the player in the ‘D’.

Staines stuck religiously to the routine of Chris passing to Keith, so Keith could score or Keith passing to Chris, so Chris could score. This was very easy for the Croydon defence to counter act, as they had read the contract between Keith and Chris. This contract states “that Keith and Chris are binded to scoring all of Staines goals, to ensure one of them achieves top goal score position and no one else”.

Croydon grew in confidence and attacked the Staines defence, but brave heart Frank was there, with (defender) Andy and Dave to stop the Croydon on onslaught. Better Croydon finishing may have given Staines a shock. Eventually midfield mystro Andrea provided the Staines counter attacks and the Chris and Keith short corner routine did eventually get a shot past the keeper to make it 3-0, which was provided by Keith, but it was along time coming.

Half time came and Hobo as ever provided the drinks, and some sliced oranges. Keith decided he didn’t like one bag of oranges and sent them to the opposition, poor Hobo. Staines then had a team talk on passing and using all team members (say no more). The second half then got under way, obviously the team talk went in one ear and out of the other. Staines again put attract, after attack, down the right wing. The Croydon ‘D’ was under siege, but the attracts were predictable and Staines didn’t make use of the space or all the team members. Staines attacks then paid off and they won a flick, which Keith converted to make it 4-0. Chris performed his part of the contract by making it 5-0.

There number of substitutions through the game involving Neil, Phil, (Keeper) Andy, Andrea and John. Every one else under special contract had a full game. Hobo looked lost, as he was subbed on and off twice and put into one position, then another, then another. Phil decided he had enough and vanished in his tardis in the second half, (nobody knows where).

The after match banter with Hobo was encouraging Frank to eat 6 doughnuts, one for every goal the Scots conceded to the Dutch. Heather the referee, was shocked about how young men used rubbers to get them out of sticky situations, to which (keeper) Andy said “that’s normal”. (Defender) Andy then complained he had to go home to see a man about a new kitchen, which he couldn’t be assed with, but he had to for the benefit of the wife. Simon was keen to get home, to video his wife in a live fitness session (say no more). The team asked for a copy of Simon’s video, but he just gave an evil eye.

Hobo then was hit by shock and ore; as if being subbed twice in the rain, and put in three different positions was not bad enough. He was then accused of being apparently lazy, porched and not in the game and goal avoidance, even though he was on the bench for large part of the game and played in three different positions (it's a mystery).

Overall the match was over shadowed by the England rugby victory. Staines looked predictable in attack and lacked variation, Staines played as individuals once again and not as a team, looking more like runners up than champions. A better position will have Staines under control and on the Racks. (Time for Staines to put Training into practice).

Final Score: Staines 5, Croydon 0
Scorers: Keith 3, Andrea 1, Chris 1.

Man of Match: Andrea for proving a good counter
attacking midfield performance.

Dick of Day: Hobo for being apparently lazy, porched, not in the game and goal avoidance. (Staines forget who provides the drinks and oranges, how do you like your laxatives boys ?)

Mens 6th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Staines 3 Teddington 0 at half time.

This was it. The highly anticipated game, the one they had waited so long to play, the one that held old grudges and would most certainly be a battle to the death. It had begun and it was spectacular. The flashes of white, the beautiful symmetry of positional precision, the joy and much applause as the points were scored. It brought tears to the coach's eyes as the final whistle blew, the battle won, the ecstacy immense.

Well done beautiful England.

Our game on the otherhand, was not quite so riveting. Staines women piled up in a little pub in Teddington, a scene of chaos as the final minute of normal time saw the points level between Australia and England. And we had to leave. To play Teddington. Who weren't even there when we arrived. And it was raining. And cold. And all we had was a little radio that the umpires had brought with them.

Still, rising to the occasion, good sports are we, Staines ladies jumped for joy to the sounds of the Tulstra stadium manic cheering as Jonny Wilkinson's drop goal sailed over the posts to bring glory to England. The adrenaline running high, one hurdle completed, now it was time to play our game.

Staines dominated completely, from the impenetratable defensive work from Ruth, Kate and Struds, to the aggressive goal-hungry forwards (or, perhaps for Baldy, some pent up aggression the result of a little too much thinking about Lawrence Dallaglio?). A series of short corners unsuccessful, the third saw Ruth Hine attempting her own Wilkinson drop goal, unluckily just caught by the bar. Still, the determination paid off with some immense skill work from Anna Truman down the right, deflected in by Baldy herself. Lovely Lawrence would have been proud. Minutes later, Anna's having a stormer dribbled through everyone, a Jason Robinson moment of incredible footwork and it was 2-0. The third came from a cross into the circle from Nicki Walsh deflected from the top by Chrissy to the left hand post, finished off by Truman, 3 up, the whistle blown, the players in white looking unsatisfied, even more determined, the steam rising from their hot bodies (or are those the signs of ageing? Ruth's momentary worries encouraged by Nicki's suggestion of the onset of cataracts) and as they turned to once again take the field...but no...

In the distance a single man walks the no-mans land. A groan rises from the Staines tent...it's the Teddington Coach. He appears to have lost his team. Unfortunately has to concede. Thought his team played well though. Uh huh.
What part of 3-0 indicated this we are unsure.

So. There was no game. And lots of rain. And their coach is a pain. All that was agreed upon unanimously was that Jonny was everyones man ('we ALL want to sleep with Jonny!' gushes an emotional Kate) and the Teddington
Coach was without doubt the dick of the day.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

We played at 4.00pm in the wet and cold ... it wasn't good!! Ellie scored our only goal early on in the first half,Ashford were very strong in the first half and play was mainly in our half, we put up a good defence (Polly,Heather,and Claire) but unfortunatly it wasn't enough , we blame it on the bad weather!! and to top it all off someone ate our tea's chocolate etc so i think its safe to say "things can only get better".