Match Reports For Saturday 29th November Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines remained in second place in the league with this win over bottom of the table Wayfarers. The game began with Staines in total command pressing Wayfarers back into their own half and some determined running by Stuart Hall and James Chapman creating a number of chances. A couple of penalty corners were won by Neil Toulson and James Hall, with Chapman going close to opening the scoring. Staines' first goal was converted by James Hall who rifled in a rebound from a Chapman strike and many chances followed. Both Stuart Hall and Geraint Hughes had shots which flew just wide before Ben Brooks doubled Staines' lead with a reverse stick shot into the corner after good work by Tim Griggs and Adam Hart. The first half continued with Staines having most of the play but no more goals and Wayfarers defending well.

Into the second half Wayfarers pushed forward and were rewarded with a couple of penalty corners but these were defended well. Midway through the second half Staines began to dominate again and Mike Farmer increased the lead after a good build up down the left from Chapman and Toulson allowed Farmer to strike cleanly past the advancing keeper. Again Staines didn't settle for their existing lead and pushed for more goals, but due to skipper Stuart Hall being sin binned for an over enthusiastic tackle, could only snatch one more goal - James Hall grabbing his second with a reverse stick strike past the 'keeper. Wayfarers again managed a few penalty corners late on in the second half but these were dealt with by Hallsworth in goal and defenders John Stannard, Liam Greene and Gary Kemish. It was Staines who finished the game stronger with a number of chances being squandered but the final score ended 4 - 0 to the blue army.

This coming saturday Staines are away against Maidenhead who currently lie fourth in the league.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines were looking to improve on the performance that gave them their 2nd win of the season last week against local rivals Ashford.

This week saw the much improved side travel away to Oxford Hawks without Duncan Foster out with a back injury, but such as the spirit in the side Duncan travelled away with the squad to manage the game from the side.

Hawks had the lion's share of the play in opening exchanges, while the blues adapted to the water-based pitch. Staines midfield were closed down quickly and forced to make mistakes in their own half. When young Chris Hine lost the ball Hawks, presented with an overload, took the lead. The confident Staines side produced a period of attractive hockey with quick passing between the forwards and midfield. The Hawks keeper had to be on top form on more than a few occasions to keep the blues from scoring with fine efforts from Matt Truman, Danny Knowles and new addition Barry Thomas.

Staines started the second half a goal down, the defence moved the ball around the back and created space for the rest of the team to attack, while Jerry Gardien made a succession of impressive tackles to deny the Oxford side. The blues finally broke through with a well dispatched short corner from in-form Jon Dodwell. Staines were now dominating the match and soon saw Matt Truman deflect a quickly taken free hit to give Staines the lead. The blues kept the ball intelligently in the last 10 minutes when Staines won a short corner which Jerry Gardien despatched well to put the game past Oxford.

Skipper Robbie Watson is hoping for more of the same when they entertain high flyers Chichester at 1pm next week.

MOM: Jerry Gardien - Provided the Hawks forwards with a Dutch master class in tackling.
DOD: Jon Dodwell - Inspirational play may had help to win the game. However, he had to take time out during the game to secure roast Duck for his tea.

Mens 3rd XI

Soggy, grey, drizzle, damp, miserable, moist, gusty, rainy, wet, dank - just a few words to describe the days conditions as the lights at the Stade de Illuminaire tried to cut through the murk. It's a Saturday so that means another different team line up for the 3's. Pathfinder back from shagging leave, Lurch away due to trying to sell someone a new phone system, Dan away working to save up to buy his Mum a Christmas present, Taxi Lazlo away to find a new engine for his car. Ankles Atkinson stayed fit for two weeks running and was raring to go for today's game. Uncle Fester was drafted in to shore up the defence and Mr Safety returned from house buying and family duties to provide much needed steel at the back. Unfortunately Kingsley is out with a couple of busted fingers, so no sex for him for a while then.

An interesting team structure, leaving the quandary of how to accommodate five natural wingers and only one genuine midfielder. If only the crowd had stayed to watch they would have definitely been entertained. Still, the toss went according to plan with Mr Safety consistently losing again, but as we all know now, that is a good omen. Roy had the best warm up, having to help out the old fella's start their game before running back to the Astro in full kit just in time for the main event. The whistle blew, Havant soon lost possession to Staines and our 5 wingers immediately charged into the Havant D like stampeding Wildebeests. This was to be the main pattern of the day, whilst our 5 wingers would career about the oppositions D creating mayhem in the Havant ranks - the Staines bastions would wait around the half way line with hands on hips watching in disbelief as chance after chance avoided the onion bag. We were vocal, shouting in encouragement: "Oooo that was close!" "Get a shot off you useless tw#t!" "Look left, he's free, pass now, NOW. Oh f##k it." "Good shot, unlucky, try drilling it through his chest next time" "He's hit the corner flag, again - tosser!" "Shoot, shoot, Shoot now, For F##K SAKE SHOOT". Still amongst all this excitement we won a couple of short corners. It took a defender to show them the way. The first shot was deflected high, dropping only a yard or two from the one person the Havant side should have especially avoided. The Staines left post lurker struck with deadly effect and Mr Safety was on the score sheet again. It now seemed inevitable that an avalanche of goals would happen, particularly when a nicely weighted ball was driven across the D for Forrest Kercher to latch onto. He creamed the ball into the net from long range, well 5 feet, which is long range for Martin. After more mass stampeding across the Havant D we won a P-flick. However their keeper who by now was extremely well warmed up after being peppered for 20 minutes, managed to save Leroys rather timid effort. This gave heart to Havant who almost caught us out on the break several times as the half closed. Roy did particularly well blocking one attack at the edge of his D and all three defenders, Murph, Uncle Fester and Mr Safety did heroics at various other times.

With a 2-0 advantage we should be able to kill this off in the 2nd half, or so we thought. The same pattern of play emerged. Staines 5 wingers repeatedly cavalry charged the Havant D to cries of "Mine, mine, pass to me, mine, me, my ball". Whilst as each chance that was saved, missed or wasted was echoed by cries from our defence of "Knobber" "Nonce" "Sweet Jesus how did he miss!" "Useless tosser". Big Jim toiled away trying to hold the midfield and was unlucky not to score from a trade mark short corner flick. Lee hit the post and had another fine shot plucked out of the air by their rather good keeper. In fact the more we blazed away the more determined Havant were defending in numbers and still occasionally threatened to smudge our clean sheet with dangerous breaks. But with bastions like Uncle Fester, Murph and Mr Safety, Roy was well covered. In the second half Sohail and Olly appeared much more composed in the midfield area and linked with the defence much better. We never quite put Havant to the sword if only for their man of the match keeping most of the shrapnel out, so what could have been 8-0 ended up staying 2-0.

Hero: Olly was nominated for his lively second half performance. Alpesh also, for a good effort, mainly because he did not have to mark anybody. But old gravel voiced Murph man edged the votes on another fine defensive display and his excellent vocal encouragement.

Old Woman: Nobody really let the side down. Nobody really cocked up in any way off the field either. So it only remained to award the horrible pink gown to one of today's better players, but also the P-Flick taker. Unlucky Lee.

Mention in Dispatches: Guess who brought all the pies ? Big Jim. Well done with the Teas.

Mens 4th XI

The weeks game took us into the depths of Slough, actually into the depths and out the other side towards Wexham Park Hospital, as anybody who has ever asked me to read a map will know, geography not being my strongest point. The drive was uneventful, ours being delayed as we hung back at the club waiting for Gloria to show his ugly face. He eventually pitched up and we set off, but all the way there, whilst sitting in the back of the Tarts car, I was thinking I had forgotten something, something vital........ then it dawned on me, my box! Oooh, what do I do, I thought to myself. Do I just play the game without protection and fingers crossed, future generations of Housewives Favourites will not come to rue the day I took a 70mph shot in the lovespuds or do I come clean and tell people what I was missing, possibly facing being voted Dick of the Day and getting to wear the hat.... ah! The hat! This could save the day. In the changing rooms with about 20 minutes to spare before the game, I was seen stuffing the Dick of the Day hat down the front of my kacks, to produce a truly magnificent bulge that would have seen Linford Christie running to the Swedish tackle enlarging pump manufacturers, chequebook in hand. Anyway, one problem solved, another was lurking in a London flat in the shape of Mr Hudson and the Gnasher, who were still curled up in bed together and dreaming of a 2.30 pushback......

Opening my kitbag this week was a delightful affair as the still-wet-from-last-week kit began to emerge piece by soggy piece. With each item came the waft of a dead whale that began to creep it's way around the changing rooms. Phew! Dean being the only one not to notice the smell, thinking instead it was him and his kit making the foul odours..... meanwhile Alex was beginning to get a little frantic at the thought of starting the game two players adrift, so a quick phone call saw our slumbering midfielders leap into an old Audi, still dressed in their Batman and Robin Pyjamas and head for the pitch at break neck speeds, but as we couldn't stall the games commencement any longer, 9 of us ran out to face the might of South Bucks. Funnily enough, we played really well with just 9, Leaner Langdon nicely converting a short corner to give us the lead and for 20 minutes we played some quality hockey, our crime fighting midfielders eventually turning up 10 minutes into the game, just in time for them to witness our cat-like keeper make a very unusual call on a South Bucks cross/shot and gaily jump over the ball as it trickled into the net. In a moment of Dunneresque confusion, I thought the ball was struck outside the D and so I leapt over it in such a divine way that would have Michael Flatley openly weeping on his knees for more. "Why are they celebrating?" I thought spooning the ball out of the net for what I thought was a 16 yard hit to us...... Ooops. This cat, now comes with a hat.....

With my annual mistake over and done with, the task of spanking these South Bucks Rude Boys was firmly grasped with both hands and Chubby Mark found the Tart on the penalty spot, who calmly waited, back to goal to hear the keeper come stampeding towards him, then cheekily reverse stick passing to Chubby Jezza who was loitering in the D for a simple, but very well worked goal.
If only we could have monopolized on this lead, but no, with 5 minutes to go before half time, a bout of sloppy marking and a dispossession for SB to run at the Staines goal, around me (and that's quite a trek these days) and fired the ball into the back of the net. This was not the only drawback we faced as a South Bucks defender thought that the Monkeys face would look better with his stick in it and so with a smashingly bloody cut to his eyebrow and cheek, he went off to be "seen to" by Jezzas bird, who even though she doesn't like claret, did a first rate job of slapping a great big plaster on his chops and sending him back onto the park.

2-2 at half time and there was silence in the Staines camp, except for the faint sound of running, a door slamming and a plopping noise as we discovered that our Illustrious Skipper had been carrying a few pounds of ballast with him throughout the first half and it's time had come to see the world. Ugh.
As the game restarted, the two teams became grid locked in a stalemated game, Staines determined that "None shall pass" and South Bucks adopting a similar stance. We had some chances, especially right at the death, when Mr Hudsons' stick was momentarily transformed into the team mop, meaning that a good shooting chance from a Short Corner rolled harmlessly off the back line. Never mind. We did get to see some spectacular Jeremy falling over, one in particular saw him flying over the keeper and landing in a heap with his legs in the air looking not unlike a cartoon aeroplane crash, you know, when they stick out of the ground like a big dart making a noise that goes "Fudududududah".

From the above it may sound like we were cheated a little, but South Bucks did have goals disallowed, and they missed open goals, and I actually had to make a save or two, the hat proving itself an excellent replacement box at one stage. We had our chances too, lots of them in fact but we ran out of steam in the second half. Gloria earned himself the clumsy challenge award this week in the form of a green card, but the game ticked away into an honours even draw.

Game over and the Tart chips off to the very handily placed Wexham Park Hospital to have his features glued into something even more grotesque than usual. Whilst we headed off, via the back of beyond, to South Bucks' clubhouse to drink beer and generally take up space.

DOD - After almost a landslide vote for my good self, my early faux pas saw me wearing the hat that I had not long beforehand pulled out of my knickers. And for the more cleanly amongst you, please fear not, as it's now been scrubbed thoroughly, ready for next week. I may run the hat under a tap as well. Boom! Boom!

MOM - Excellent hockey from Mark "The Leaner" Langdon saw the shirt* go to him this week, must remember Mark that when we change ends at half time, please feel free to join in the second bit of the game...... Meee-ow!

* Oh Jeremy. What have you done? Not only have you denied me my go at wearing the man of the match shirt, but you forgot it again this week as well. Not only that, but you bribed your Doris with booze so she wouldn't tell us till after the voting had been done. You know, peoples legs have been shaved for less you know...... Eh Dean/Laz

Mens 5th XI

Chris’s barmy army carried on their quest, this time facing the Guildford, who were joint top of the league. The weather was still the same as oz, raining cats and dogs.

The team all met at Staines as arranged, (apart from Little Phil and Simon), The team set off promptly in a convoy of Renaults, obviously to inject some (VA VA VOOM) in to the team. Little Phil had no (VA VA VOOM), as he phoned up Chris only 20 minutes after the meet time, to say “sorry” “I can't run because I have had an operation, but I can referee with my one remaining hand”. Chris made a hard decision and said “No”. Chris ordered his Renault convoy not to turn back for Phil, (but Simon was still missing).

The Renault convoy navigated around Staines, to avoid the roadwork stricken Chertsey bridge. The weather just got worse and worse, as we aquaplaned to Guildford, to play on the water based pitched (yes more water). Phil and Keith decided to banter the girls team playing before us, hoping for a early score, the girls were not impressed and gave Phil a wicked bitch look (“I guess there’s no date then” said Phil).

The team reached Guildford and warmed up, but Simon was still missing, which was a problem because we had
eleven players, but Chris was Refereeing, thus we would be left with only ten players. Chris picked up his emergency defcon 4 red telephone and made the call to Simon. Simon said” I’m going to be late, had to take an extra fitness class and am now stuck on Chertsey bridge” (or may be he was videoing the wife again) “dooh” said Chris.

The toilet fan was now on full blast. Chris and his team were concerned, it looked like little house on the Reigate Priory again. Thankfully Guildford produced a second umpire which enabled Staines to field eleven players. So I think Guildford should be commended on their sportsmanship, considering both teams were battling for top spot and Guildford were under no obligation to do this. (Reigate Priory could learn a lot from this).

The game got off to a bouncy start, the water based astro was saturated form the heavy rain and the pitch played like a grass pitch. Staines had to reshape (due to the absence of Simon) and were caught cold by Guildford. Guildford mounted attacks, using their team and the ball well, to slice open the Staines defence, to take a 1-0 lead. Staines could not get out of their half and Guildford extended their lead to 2-0 off a bouncing bomb into the Staines ‘D’. The
Staines defence looked rattled, the midfield could not get the ball forward and the team lacked (VA VA VOOM). Guildford then sliced three more openings in the Staines defence it could have been 4-0, Dave did enough to put off Guildford and their strikers lossed balanced at the crucial final moments and hit the deck (due to Brave-hearts chants).

Staines then reshaped again and started attacks into the Guildford ‘D’, Staines eventually won a shortie and yes the contract between Chris and Keith was used once again. Chris passed to Keith, for Keith to belt the ball into the Guildford Net, for 2-1, 10 minutes before half time. Staines then mounted attack, after attack on the Guildford defence and Guildford broke on the counter again, making big holes in the Staines defence.

Just before half time Simon appeared waving his straight jacket. Jim (Major Charles Ingrum) coughed in disbelief, then hit the deck and Guildford responded by putting a foot in the majors mouth. The major was bleeding and the game was rightly stopped and the half time whistle conveniently blown. At half time Simon was finally reinstated in the team and Chris was keen to umpire and card people, but it was not to be. The Guildford umpire was keen to continue and why not he was not going to get a game and his team were leading 2-1. Chris ate humble pie on the bench, deciding to be a team tactician, which turned out to be a wise choice, as he made some crucial decisions which effected the game.

The game restarted and Staines again looked wobbly at the back, Guildford sliced some holes, but these were soon plugged by the Staines defence. Andy did his best to get a card, swinging his stick like a Samurai to stop the Guildford attack. Frank stuck to the brave heart vocals “you’ll take my blood, but your never get passed my defence”, Major Charles Ingrum was battered by the Guildford and was on the deck alot, obviously to much coughing (or maybe faking for an insurance claim) and Dave threw himself at every Guildford forward with the ball.

Staines were still 2-1 down, the game had reached a stale mate and Chris decided to go for the win, taking off Samurai Andy and putting on himself to inject the road runner pace (meep meep). Chris then put Hobo on the right wing. Within minutes the Staines army were encamped in the Guildford half. Hobo went close when Richard passed the ball to Hobo, who then beat three Guildford defenders to only be denied by the keepers' pads (The unlucky 67 shirt keeps' its power, poor Hobo). Simon set off Hobo down the wing who crossed to Keith, who kicked the ball (dooh). Hobo was then released again by Simon, Hobo passed to Phil at the top of the ‘D’ who banged in the ball into the ‘D’ there was panic in the Guildford defence and then bang, new boy John had scored to make it 2-2.

Staines mounted more attacks and Guildford looked rattled and were restricted to the counter attack. Guildford did counter well once, and Hobo had to run back to help Brave heart, But Hobo was knackered and gave up, Brave heart however did not.

Guildford looked rattled and the Staines attack was mounting, Hobo was then released down the wing again this time by Chris, Hobo crossed in to the ‘D’ for John Wareham to be denied only by the keepers pads in the last minute. The game finished 2-2.

After the game Phil and James went off for the birthday party and the Hobo banter started, Chris and Keith decided Hobo needed a Guildford top to add to the collection and offered to get Hobo a training top with all the badges of the clubs he’s played for, with a central velcro badge, so he can replace the badge with all the new clubs he’s likely to Join. Andy confessed he was trying to create a chain saw massacre scene in the Staines defence and expected a variety of coloured cards. The man of match and dick of day votes were secretly balloted by Chris, before the rest of the team had voted, (result probably would have been the same). The team then headed back to Staines.

Chris, Hobo, Andy and Keith grabbed one last drink at Staines. Referee Heather was dancing at the bar with team members. Hobo faced serious (Shock and Ore) from Edward who complained to Hobo, “why can you not
finished sentences”, “can you read”, Hobo replied “No”, “why do you use a spell check with no English words”, to which Hobo replied “I do and there’s two F’s in Off”.

Little Phil appeared only two hours after the game, to show us his new foot. Then Mrs Chris appeared, but did not want to enter, (I can understand). Keith then yelled Chris get her in, get her a drink, get her a chair and Chris your still sitting. “Sorry Keith” said Chris. The wife entered and Chris told us of their three year history dating back to Mother Care. “Mother Care” said Keith “Yes” said Chris, I used to sell boys girls shoes on special, “Blimey” Said Keith that could be my Staines kit marketing strategy. (The END)

Staines were put on the racks by Guildford, as I predicted a good team would, but they did not fall. The game was a good one overall, but a game that Staines should have lost 6-2, if Guildford took their chances. Top of the table is now tight with Staines, Guildford and Woking on a tight rope and Wanderers close behind. The game against Reigate could prove very costly. Staines now must win all fixtures and go for the title to keep the promotion hopes alive, settling for second will not be enough, as settling for less may leave Staines in fourth. (Staines need more VA VA VOOM)

Final Score: Guildford 2, Staines 2

Scorers: Keith 1 and New boy John 1
Man of Match: Dave for outstanding keeping which kept us in the game.
Dick of the day: Simon for late, late showing, (probably videoing the wife again)
Birthday Boy: James

(Don’t forget Christmas curry 18th of December)

Mens 6th XI

Well, for a number of weeks now we've been playing better than the scorelines might have suggested - especially when you consider that to say the least we haven't been getting the rub of the green in recent games.

Unsurprisingly there was the customary re-shuffle this week with Andre out with flu, Matty and Ian unavailable and Ada and John Hedger injured. Countering this Danny Penny and Andy Nellhams were available and Jack had recovered sufficiently from that hamstring pull a couple of weeks ago. Still come Saturday morning a mild panic as flu accounted for Kishan we were reduced to 10, so Philip's dad was drafted up from his emergency reserve position and into the starting line-up. With a few weeks rest we were also hoping that Gordon's foot had improved enough to allow him to exercise his rampaging bull style of centre-forward play.

Having watched the home side's 3rd XI getting a pasting from Eastcote the communal opinion was that we could probably have given them a good game. So playing a team two levels lower we started the game thinking that a good win was in the offing. The early exchanges were pretty even as the home side a couple of enterprising breaks. It wasn't long however before we adjusted our play to cater for the number of changes. Philip and Kevin down the left, and Tom and Bob down the right, gave us planty of width and Martin and Danny started to win everything in the midfield. The pressure was starting to build on the home defence and a flurry of short corners. Martin drags to Gordon who mis-hits the ball which takes a deflection of a defenders and bobbles into the corner, 1-0. A few minutes later and some slack marking lets Gordon drift to the top right side of the D and crack the ball hits the backboard for number two.
Another short after about 20 mins and Martin drags it a bit too straight at Gordon - no problem just drag it onto the reverse side and a power-reverse flick screams just under the bar for a quickfire hatrick, and 3-0.

Inexplicably we failed to score again before half-time, not from not creating enough chances but more because we missed shed loads. Only Tom and Bob will know how they got the ball stuck between themselves and their feet in front of goal; Kevin almost swept home a sharp cross from the right wing; Danny cross-shot two past the back post, and Martin was only inches away at the backpost from getting on the end of three or four more. The only other thing of note was a pointless bit of aggressive posturing from Andy Nellhams as he faced-off against someone as old as his grandad - ooohh so brave Andy !!! His reward was a green card naturally.

Half-time : 3-0. What a great performance. Last 15 mins we lost shape and like a teenager on a hopeful date we were trying to hard to score and inevitably doomed to failure. So 2nd half a change of tactics, let's try a few new chat-up lines and take our time.

A couple of minutes in and Danny was shot-down by the Notcutts sniper as he entered the 25 - and with an impressive slide he reached the top of the circle. The home side were duly punished when the Martin to Gordon to back of the goal drill succeeded yet again to make it 4-0. A few minutes later and Martin burst through from outside the 25, beat the covering defender cut to the right and clipped the ball to the p-spot for Gordon to sweep home for his and the team's 5th. A few more short corners, one from which Gordon's shot pinged back off the post - my God is anybody else allowed to score. Just as rumours were spreading through the team that Gordon was included on some sub-clause of the 5th XI scoring contract suddenly goals started coming from everywhere. Andy Nellhams swept forward from just inside the half, beat a couple of men, switched it onto his reverse side at the top of the D and fighting back a mighty nosebleed reverse stick slapped the ball into the corner. 6-0 and someone else has scored a goal!

God knows what order the rest of the goals came but a quick long corner from Tom to Bob, back to Tom who slipped the ball to Martin on the backline, a quick look up and the ball was whipped out to Kevin at the top of the D, bang and another goal ! - and on his debut. Not to be outdone Philip rushed forward a couple of minutes later and slapped one home from the left hand side - shouting "Anything my Dad can do I can do better ...". Danny having already create a handful of the short corners and having setup Philip was moaning about not scoring, and a minute later was running back having scored under the keeper. Gordon scored a 7th (yawn ... yawn) - so what's new. Martin brought two great saves out of the keeper, and missed a couple more at the backpost from short corner switches ... and the game ended with us 11-0 up.

Full-time : 11-0.

It was very noticable how much better our ball retention is compared to the start of the season, especially when we had time and space in the 2nd half. Credit must be given to all the hard-work at training and Gordon's relentless focus on getting us lower on the ball and developing a quicker release. The best way to summarise the performance was when the opposition asked after the game "... so that was your .. 5th XI ..", "No", I replied, " this is our 6th XI". "How come you've got such a strong club". "Well", I said, "since we've had the astro we've gained an extra side and this year we've brought in 5 or 6 colts. Gordon and I have dropped down from the 5's because it was becoming a bit too easy every week". You just could not pay enough money to see the look on their awestruck faces - it was dawning on them that next season they could see themselves getting pasted by our 7th XI .. you never know - it could happen!

Tiger : Hardly needed to cast a vote as the first four votes were for Kevin's dazzling debut performance.And anyway he deserved it just for playing at such late notice.

Donkey: Some counter-conspirators tried to give it Gordon for a hatrick of hatricks avoidance and not buying a jug, but for a moment of petulance Andy's green card gets the nod - basically because it's a bad example (or a good lesson) for the colts and I don't think the same can be said about not scoring 9 !!!

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Let’s picture the scene, its raining,
And despite Chrissy’s prayers it’s not waning,
The wind is so strong
And we feel something’s wrong;
‘We didn’t rehearse this in training’.

Shay calls us away for a meeting,
As the opposition prepare for a beating,
But someone’s left on their phone,
And as Shay starts to drone,
There’s suddenly a movement in seating…

All eyes turn and fix in one way,
On someone destined for Dick of the Day,
Oh what a complete spanner,
This girl they call Anna,
Her team mates will surely make her pay.

But Anna: the brave girl she stays strong,
After all how could she be in the wrong?
Poly was ringing to concede,
Taking Teddington’s lead,
They don’t think they can last very long.

But Anna tells them that they’re being too lame,
‘Come on Poly lets get on all the same’,
‘Yes sure we will thrash you
Even if we do play poo
But winning isn’t the sole aim in a game.’

To win leagues you must score lots of goals,
And to this purpose we all have our roles,
The defence begin the attack
The midfield never slack
And the forwards, well they fill in the holes.

So the match progressed with all going Staines way,
But coach Shay still had something to say,
He wants yet more goals?!
What?! Shall we walk on hot coals?!
We’re already winning six nil on the day!

The second half of the game was quite cold,
But we did, willingly, all we were told,
Despite being wet,
The challenge we met,
And at time Poly were ready to fold.

So twelve goals in all were dutifully scored,
Safe to say the Poly defence were not bored,
Ruth got one, Baldie Two,
Sarah three, oh but who,
Did score six? What a triumph, good lord!

Well it was that Dick who completed the batch,
She had a quite good, redeeming patch,
Despite being a fool,
I must say she is cool (!)
And proud to be Man of the Match.

That’s all folks!

Yes, more and more is demanded of us,
Well ok, fair enough, we won’t fuss,
We’ll just have to score more,
Or he’ll show us the door,
Or worse, put us on Staines Number Ten Bus.

So Staines the challenge we take on,
And before we know it the game is all done,
We’re soaked to our skins,
But we still have our grins

And Sunday

Staines 2 Ipswich and East Sussex 0

(To be sung to the tune of 'Sweet Chariot')

Chorus:
Swing low, O Staines ladies
Coming forth to hit and score
Swing low, O Staines ladies
On or off the pitch, you get 'em all...

Verse 1:
At Faulkners the raining has now ceased
(Coming forth to hit and score)
Chrissy present, God was pleased =)
(On or off the pitch, you get 'em all)

Chorus

Verse 2:
The welcoming team without a frown
(Coming forth to hit and score)
Recite their cheer of 'You're going down!'
(On or off the pitch we'll get you all)

Verse 3:
The games begun, the whistle blows
(Coming forth to hit and score)
Staines ready for the Truman show
(On or off the pitch Anna gets 'em all...[ed.: a certain university hockey
social comes to mind...])

Chorus

Verse 4:
Staines are ready for the kill
(Coming forth to hit and score)
The men in awe of the ladies' skill
(On or off the pitch we get 'em all)

Chorus

Verse 5:
_____(insert name) and Truman hit the backboard
(Coming forth to hit and score)
We're getting bored of Anna's record
(On or off the pitch...why does she get 'em all?!?)

Chorus

Verse 6:
Going to stop singing all about Anna
(Coming forth to hit and score)
And return to the game that really matters
(Does it?)

Chorus

Verse 7:
Staines look complacent, Shay starts to moan
(Coming forth to hit and score)
Especially as Mags gets in the hit in the...uhmm...loins?
(On or off the pitch, she's twinketoes!)

Chorus

Verse 7:
Well I have to mention Anna again
(Coming forth just to annoy us all)
As she and Mags got man-of-the-match this game
(On or off the pitch...alright we've established she wins 'em all)

Chorus

Verse 8:
But for Dick of the day... its Sue who gets a mention
(Coming forth to hit and score)
Because she was stealthily playing for the opposition
(On the pitch she handed them the ball...and then sat down)

Chorus

Verse 9:
Well done to Staines, you've done a good job
(Coming forth to hit and score)
Though Ruth still needs to perfect that lob
(On or off the pitch she's dear old Aud')

Chorus

Verse 10:
Well Santa's coming early next week
(Coming forth to give us toys)
Lets hope he teaches Staines to be meek
(And could we have some nice boys?)

Chorus repeated to fade...

Ladies 2nd XI

On yet another wet and windy Saturday morning Staines ladies faced their stiffest test of the season so far, top of the table and yet to be beaten Eastcote. Blighted by injuries, the 2nd XI called on Kate O'Kane and Claire Moscrop to cover the gaps left and both slotted into the team with ease.

The first 10 minutes set a fast pace for the rest of the game and, despite being under the cosh from the first whistle, Staines soon settled and looked comfortable with the midfield comprising of Helen Fisher, Ali Schomberg, Clare Moscrop and Helen White squeezing the middle and keeping Eastcote at bay.

It was unfortunate therefore that at half time the home team saw themselves 2-0 down. Despite some solid defending from Debs, Oli and Yvonne across the back line a corner was conceded and Eastcote capitalised on a lucky rebound after an athletic save from keeper Anya Gray.

Not to be down heartened Staines kept fighting and continued to take their game to Eastcote. Some superb team play and thundering runs down the wings from Kate and Juliet led to a string of corners for the home team. Unfortunately for Staines some good keeping meant our efforts went unrewarded. Eastcote struck again whilst we were on the back foot and shortly before half time a deflection at full stretch saw the ball tipped over Anya's head meaning Staines entered the break 2-0 down.

After a rousing half time chat from captain Juliet the team rallied and displayed considerable spirit and togetherness which will no doubt continue to carry the team forward until Christmas. With much of the possession and some skilful play by out forward line, Staines were unlucky on a number of occasions not to convert chances that on other days would have gone our way.

Overall, despite a loss Staines came away with many positives after a fantastic team effort. Well done to man of the match Kate O'Kane.

Next week Staines take on 2nd place Teddington away.

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

The game got off to a good start with Ellie scoring our goal in the first half, the opposition came back at us and equalised. The weather was worse than last week (that's our excuse!!). We battled on in the second half but they
scored again , which we thought was quite frustrating as we had played well and we had more opportunities, we were very unlucky.

Everyone played well, Holly was voted man of the match as she played very well and passed the ball around and
ran around alot!! Emma was on fighting form ... "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT" she was in good spirits after her weekend away. Better luck next week !!!