Match Reports For Saturday 6th December Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines were determined to put in a good performance this week and gain a result away at Maidenhead. On a new surface which proved to be very bouncy Staines started the game strongly, adjusting their style to suit the pitch and mastering the bounce of the ball which at times was like a bar of soap! Moving the ball comfortably around the back Staines began to build up pressure on Maidenhead and forced them into a number of errors in their defensive third. A penalty corner was won and after some slick passing skipper Stuart Hall just failed to apply a final touch his shot going just wide. Staines kept up their good start with Hall, James Chapman and Geraint Hughes all managing to break through Maidenheads' midfield and find space for the forwards to exploit. Neil Toulson enjoyed this greatly and it was his stunning strike that deservedly put Staines one up. Great build up play down the left led to Chapman crossing and finding Toulson clear at the top of the circle and he crashed his shot across the keeper into the far corner. With his confidence up from this tremendous strike Toulson began to tie the Maidenhead defence into knots with his clever running and skill, however the chances created were not converted and Maidenhead began to creep back into the game.

As the Staines midfield and forwards pressed on, space began to open up for the Maidenhead forwards and they started to find some gaps of their own in the Staines defence. Most of these breaks were mopped up by Liam Greene and John Stannard in the heart of the Staines defence. But they did manage to win a couple of penalty corners and from one of these, after a good initial save by Neil Hallsworth in the Staines goal, a Maidenhead forward drove the ball into the goal from an almost impossible angle. At one all, Staines did not get flustered and carried on playing the hockey that had led to them dominating the opening exchanges. With the usual athletic display from Adam Hart down the right and Mike Farmer on the left Staines managed to keep up the pressure on Maidenhead for the rest of the half without managing to take the lead.

After the half time break with coach Sibia and skipper Hall urging Staines on to more of the same hockey as in the first half, Staines inexplicably switched off for long periods of the second. Maidenhead rallied and deservedly took the lead from a penalty corner which was drilled into the back of the goal leaving the Staines defenders no chance. This jolted Staines into action and they began building up the play again with some good passing down the left between Farmer and Hughes allowing Tim Griggs to win a penalty corner for Staines. Up stepped Chapman and fired the corner past the Maidenhead keeper for the equaliser. In turn this fired up Maidenhead and they battled back and chances went astray for both sides. With the two sides now locked into a battle neither wanted to lose, good work by Barry Thomas defending very deep, prevented Maidenhead gaining an advantage from an overlap on Staines' left. However, soon after a Maidenhead attack down the Staines right wasn't dealt with and after a scramble in the circle a Maidenhead player found the back of the net.

Almost immediately Staines worked the ball up the right through James and Stuart Hall and then the ball was slipped to Hughes in the middle who played the ball into the circle for Tim Griggs who had managed to evade his marker and he hammered the ball on the turn past the keeper for the equaliser. Into the last couple of minutes and the game became fairly frantic with both sides looking for a winner. With seconds to go a penalty corner was given away and Maidenhead had their chance but it was cleared at the expense of another corner. This time the ball was sweetly struck into the goal and Maidenhead thought they had won it, but the ball had not left the circle before the shot was taken and so the "goal" was disallowed and the final whistle was blown.

In the end a draw was probably a fair result as Staines dominated the first half but let Maidenhead off the hook and let them into the game during the second period.

This week Staines take on Brighton at home in their last league game before the Christmas break.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

No one relishes a 150 mile round trip to the south coast in the middle of winter. But with the anticipation of a more balanced side this week (3 wingers as opposed to 5) and the introduction of Scouse and Sponging Student, hopes for a good result were high. Then 5 minutes before the "gentleman - start your engines!" the Skipper is alerted to the urgent point that his eleventh player had been poached back to the 2's at the eleventh and a half hour! A determined looking Mr Safety then marched over to the Astro where the 2's squad of 13 were about to warm up. Trapped within the high fenced compound Robbie got his ears well and truly chewed whilst the rest of his team suddenly made themselves busy elsewhere. There followed some frantic phoning round in a complicated effort to find players willing to travel or as injury cover for several of the rather brittle 2's. Poor Phil Lazlo did not know if he was coming or going, being bounced from one team to another and then being phoned again by Mr Safety - finding Phil busy in his Loft covered in fibre glass and plumbing, busy looking for his missing stash of Porn Mags probably. Then we had the strange sight of a smartly suited chap sprinting across the grass. The late arriving Lees-Low was now completely confused as to whom he was supposed to be playing for. Kitty made an executive decision and the 3's set off rather late to Chichester, with Sponging Student, driving his recently acquired Nazi Staff car, a Panzerkampfwagon Mercedes. Murph rode with him looking very Aryian and saluting out of the window at intervals. A bit of applied warp factor and turbo nutterbastard driving saw the team arrive with enough time to change and a quick warm up.

The game itself turned out to be evenly matched, if a somewhat bad tempered affair. The petulant, disrespectful, pre-pubescent tantrums from Chichester soon annoyed both Umpires who responded with several stern warnings. Staines maintained their composure and despite the obvious skills and competence of the youthful opponents, Chi' were stumped by the Blue Brigades veteran experience, cunning and work rate. In the first half the early chances fell to Chichester as Staines initially had problems dealing with the speed of their attacks. Towards the end of the half Staines had worked them out, Roy started getting bored and we had a couple of very good shots on target (won't mention the ones we fluffed). Second half, more of the same, although Chewy Patel was now struggling badly with a swollen shin. Mik and Al swapped positions, despite the rearrangements the defence held up well with Mr Safety and Scouse marking their main attackers out of the game. Mik did well in the unaccustomed right back slot and of course nothing got pass Murph who relished in embarrassing the Chichester forwards. "Like taking candy off a baby" he said. The niggly nature of the game eventually saw a Chichester player yellow carded for dissent. Soon after Scouse got a green for a blood curdling tackle. Then the Chi' made a tactical substitution, on sprinted their new boy, chased down Pathfinder Quinlan (who was looking a bit lost), coming in on the wrong side collected Mik's stick in his face and after only 3 seconds on the field went off again. Lurch held the middle this week and had a titanic battle with a little lad who came up to just above his shin pads. Unfortunately despite winning 6 or 7 short corners in the game, Staines were unable to convert. Olly and Mr Safety each had near misses. Again in open play we created plenty of promising attacks, and a few good on target shots, but no goals. So a 0-0 result was achieved which was satisfying, as a battling performance was required in the second half when virtually down to 10 men, with poor Alpo limping around with his damaged paw.

After a quick shower we looked forward to a nice cup of tea and a bite to eat back at their Clubhouse. The Chichester Umpire kindly waited and helped us find our way. We sat down, we waited. Where is the tea? What no tea !? Alright we will go straight on to the beer then. Right, what is on the menu? What, NO F##KING FOOD EITHER !!?? What sort of a Shite Hole is this ? We've come 70 miles, played your rude dissentful little pre-pubescents without losing our tempers, its half past f##cking four, we have got a long dark drive home and there is no f##king teas at all !!!??? Sorry we have run out, they said. Their Umpire was a decent chap and was most embarrassed by this fiasco - he was hungry as well. To put the tin hat on it, the Chi' players sent out to a nearby Chinky Take Away and started scoffing. Did not even bother to ask if we wanted anything. Beer quickly finished we resolved to stop at the first available services on the A3 for some food. The Turbo Nutter was lead car followed by Panzerkampfwagan and then Pathfinder Quinlan driving Alpo's car as his leg was really bad. All the way to the A3 we crept along below 70 mph to ensure we kept the convoy intact, but for some reason Mik exhibited the driving characteristics of an old woman. Was he driving Alpesh or was he driving Miss Daisy ? Anyway when we pulled up for a Big Mac, he was missing, presumed lost. Good job for Mik that we had already done the team votes, but on this driving performance he has banked a few for another week !

Hero: Murph, Scouse, Mr Safety were tied on votes, but as he has had a really shit day and has got a cold, Mr Safety claimed it on sympathy.
Tw#ts of the Week: It was a landslide decision - Chichester Club. Thanks for the lovely Teas - I think not !

Mens 4th XI

Well, it's been a long time coming, a Staines 4's goal-a-thon. This week the Rengger Boys were unavailable to play, so we drafted Danny Valentine Penny and Sohail in and making a welcome return was the Laz who completed our 13 player team (Shhhhhh, don't tell Vinny). With the game underway it was clear that Staines would have an easier day than on previous Saturdays, our first goal coming early on from a short corner ably converted by a very on form Leaner Langdon. Alas, it would appear that the Notcutts sniper is still getting the hang of his new weaponry, whilst Jezza skipped around the pitch with impunity, Leaner went down in a real slow-mo collapsing chimney sort of way rolling over on the top of the oppos D in a most graceless fashion. The Snipers' biggest trophy however was the Bracknell main play maker, who went off after 10 minutes and left them to play the rest of the game with only 10 bodies on the pitch. Obviously after making the game easier for the team in Blue the sniper packed up his gun and wandered back to his car shaking his head as he went.

So here's how the game shaped up, Mr Hudson has found some extra energy from somewhere and was seen all over the pitch. Nothing unusual about that I hear you cry, but this time he had the ball with him and he knew exactly where it should go. 3 goals being his personal tally before the half time whistle was even thought about being blown. Alex found himself on the score sheet as well as he reversed flicked a goal in past their stricken keeper. Ye Gods. Whatever next? The only mar on an excellent half was a bit of goal mouth pinball played by myself and a Bracknell forward, he passed it to me, I kicked it back to him, he passed back, I kicked it back again, he passed it once more, but this time, flicking it over myself, who thought that this game was best played whilst laying down and so watched it sail into the net. Never mind, 5-1 up at half time. And as bladders emptied, we decided, quite rightly that nothing should be changed.

Out we came, all smiling and ready to bury Bracknell in a hail of goals. My game by this stage, had degenerated somewhat as all I had to do was toease back into a comfy chair, knock the top off a cold one, take out my opera glasses and observe the game as we ran the team in white ragged. Bracknells' keeper making somewhere in the region of about 15 good saves during both halves, but his efforts did little to stem the flow of goals that was thrown at him. Staines were afire as Deano converted a short corner and a feeble P-Flick, Sohail scored once and had another goal poached by the Shermanator who also bagged another to make a hat-trick for himself. Leaner got his second half hat-trick as the team really demolished whatever Bracknell could put in out way in terms of defence. The amount of time and space on the ball we had was frightening. Action man Reed managing to run 3/4 of the length of the pitch with the ball whilst Bracknell parted themselves neatly for him. On closer inspection, Reedies stick was found to be the same one that Moses used to part the Red Sea. Fortunately for Bracknell, this stick, whilst being excellent for creating channels, isn't very useful for twatting hockey balls with and so our centre back had to trot all the way back without reward. The game rattled on and our Staines forwards decided to play a new game. Let's see if we can actually damage the Bracknell keeper. Mark got him to squeal with pain from one shot and the Porn king causing some internal injuries to the poor guys breadbasket. By the end of the game he looked more like a piece of Swiss Cheese than a goalkeeper. The final whistle went and we marched back to the club house slapping each others backs and generally being happy.


DOD Everybody played exceptionally well meaning that some thought would have to go into the Dick of the Day voting, but then we were reminded of Jez's deception the week before and so that particular vote was a no brainer. SHAVE HIM! SHAVE HIM!

MOM Man of the match votes caused much stroking of chins and scratching of heads. OK, so there were 3 goal hungry hat-trick heroes, but everyone played to their best. Colin and Brendan had very safe games, Uncle Festa's suicidal passes were kept to a minimum, Dean played a blinder, Danny and Sohail created many goals as did Gnasher. Jezza, whilst not getting on the score sheet this week, did manage to stay on his feet the whole game and the Laz didn't get to play "Pick a card, any card" with the Umpires. So who? Me? Nah. It had to be the 4 goal run about in the first AND Second half hero Mark "Didn't have time to Lean on my stick this week" Langdon.

Next week. A top of the table battle clashes most unfortunately with a trip to the rugby, meaning that we will be very short of players. Bugger.

See you at the Wild West party. Yeee-Har!

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

After last week's pounding of Gerrards Cross you'd have thought everyone was keen to play again this week. Alas we lost Tom to work, Bob to his daughter's birthday treat, Kevin to some chores, and Danny to the 5th XI contracted player snatching squad. Fortunately we welcomed back Kishan and Andre after bouts of flu and Petchy from his various injuries. With Matty also deciding his shifts would allow him to play we made it up to a squad of 12.

Originally scheduled for grass this game was eventually switched to our old stomping ground at Feltham. Nice to see that the old concrete astro has been replaced with a nice fast pitch - ideally suited to our attacking style.

The game started at a helter-skelter pace with penetration at both ends - the game had goals written all over it !! After a few flurries from the visitors we started to create some concerted pressure, mainly through some excellent first time wall-passing down the left from Gordon and the PetchMiester. A few half chances came and went as Jack and Andre fell over at the most inappropriate times. Eventually Gordon picked up a loose ball in the circle and leaving lots of defenders in his wake coolly slotted home passed the keeper. 1-0. Andy was everywhere on the pitch - except on the right side of midfield - and yes he was playing right half. Martin switched from the centre to fill the space leaving Andy to concentrate on terrorising their young midfield with Andre. The pressure mounted and a flurry of short corners was won. Gordons' piledrivers were slightly off target this week so a quick switch to Plan B (as rehearsed at training on Thursday) saw Martin expertly deflecting the ball home on the reverse for 2-0 !!! Another shorty saw a slip to Petchy demonstrate his flicking skills - with the keeper beaten - but unfortunately it went just wide of the far post.

At this stage it looked like a comfortable win was in the offing but Wokingham took advantage of some over eager attacking and caught us on the break. Andy B had to slide out and prevent a couple of half-chances. Then he was beaten by a clever ball to the back post where their attacker was brilliantly tackled by Ian - only for the umpire to award a sodding flick ! Andy B immediately upped his Tiger of the Day credentials by saving the flick.

Unfortunately the warning wasn't heeded and a few minutes later another break and another switch to the backpost saw the worst miss I have ever seen in my life. A howler of magnificent proportions. Just imagine that you are about two yards out and in line with the backpost. The ball is rolling gently towards your open-side, the goalmouth is gaping wide-open, you lay your stick down to sweep it home - only you sweep too early and the ball hits the bottom of your stick and rolls across the goal and a foot wide of the far post. We created some chances of our own before on the break the visitors finally scored through Matty's legs on the line ... 2-1.

Half-time: Just not good enough - we could be 2-4 down or 4-1 up. Need to really go for it at the start of the 2nd half and don't let them back into it. A re-shuffle at half-time saw injured Jack N replaced by injured Jack G at left back and Andy N drops back from midfield to a more defensive position ... because he's knackered !

A stunning break from the off saw Andre power through the middle with Gordon to win a short corner - great stuff. We just missed but the pressure was really on. Gordon was really giving their defence the run around and Martin and Andre were getting plenty of space inside the 25 but we just could not find the killer ball as Wokingham defended very well indeed. They relieved the pressure with a rather feeble looking break that just got into our D. There was a scramble and the ball seemed to ricochet off the attacker's stick and Andy B let the ball go - guiding it confidently ... into the goal !!!! What a donkey ! And now its 2-2.

Game on again and Wokingham have been lifted by their unexpected Xmas present from Andy "Santa Claus" Bromley. Fortunately we worked very hard, held firm and re-asserted ourselves as Andy N pushed up from the back. We won a short corner and in a reprise of the narrow miss in the first half the ball was slipped to Ada the Petch who flicked high into the net for 3-2 !!! A couple of minutes later and Andre converted another for 4-2. A bit of breathing space again.

Andy N shelled in a hit from the 25 that pinged back off the post - the ball was worked out to Kishan on the byline - who looked up and pulled back for Martin to sweep home into the middle of the goal for 5-2. More great attacking and ball retention sawAndre steal and score for 6-2. With such committment to attack we kept Andy B busy and he made some excellent sliding stops to prevent the visitors from getting back into the game at 4-2 and 5-2.

Final Score : Won 6-2

Scorers: Martin 2, Andre 2, Gordon, Petchy

Tiger of the Day : Andre for excellent work-rate

Donkey of the Day : Despite saving a flick and some excellent stops - Andy B gets it for that howler !!

MORE GREAT NEWS ....

Harrow 4's have withdrawn from the league ... well that may not be technically correct as they didn't really turn up in the 1st place, or the 2nd place, etc. They did however beat us 4-1 on the day when their 2nd XI weren't playing - a result that has now been struck off the record. The top of the table race could become very close indeed if Slough can beat OMT next week in the last league game before Xmas.

P W D L GD
1- OMT 8 8 0 0 +27
2- Slough 8 7 0 1 +30
3- Staines 8 7 0 1 +22
4- Sonning 9 3 1 5 -5
5- Wokingham 8 3 1 4 -7

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

100% record. No defeats. Nearly a half century of goals and only 3 against. Beautiful hockey. Sexy women.

It just gets better and better...

The final match of the season proved to be one a lot more memorable than those previously during the year, and there are a number of reasons attributed to this. One, we kicked butt. Two, we kicked butt, but it was still a good proper game of hockey (as opposed to wrestling matches). Three, SECRET SANTA. Possibly the second best game ever invented. One can not blame the opposition for not sharing in our christmas spirit, although Anna, Chrissy and Chandler did try hard to encourage it with their christmas hats and sudden chorus's of 'All I Want For Christmaaaas Is Youuuuuuu' (followed by tears of the "Bridget Jones' realisation"...its going to be a lonely one again this year). Mag's teas were stunning including hot non-alcoholic mulled wine, yule logs and mince pies. Yes, all this, and the oppo could not be consoled. Mighty Staines are undefeatable.

So anyway, the game. The first few minutes looked difficult, Staines unable to create any chances looked at a loss for creativity, all strength obviously drained by the painstaking preperations for Secret Santa. It looked to be a dirty game too, the Truman show stopped in her tracks by some vicious tackles from behind, Anna herself already nursing a bad head injury from an earlier game. Santa understanding competely bought her Bob the Builder's luxury knee and elbow pads, bless him, though they were a tad late.

Finally a short corner saw Kerry's attempts to get back into the goal tally honour succesful, a brilliant strike into the left hand corner. It looked like a second one in similar fashion was to happen, the set up perfect, the strike accuracy to the centimetre beating the goalie...but not her own teammate. Chrissy's hunger for the spotlight turned miserable as she slotted the ball between her legs straight to the last man behind the goalie who cleared it. Ruth Hine's goal-hunger saw a sudden energy spurt desire her to run the length of the field, taking on the entirety of H&W...and beating them. Her pass to Truman on the left post perfect, Baldy waiting on the square of an open goal. But no, Truman adament to keep her lead on the goals tally aimed at the goalie instead. A suggestion that the tallying of the goals is creating unnecessary competition? The second half underway and its an all out Staines attack. A stolen ball in the right wing corner by Chrissy set up Sarah Chandler at the p-spot to make it two. This was soon followed by Ruth's aerial attempt nearly successful was batted away by the defender to concede a stroke, which Mel Attfield put away perfectly in the left side. H&W's best chance flattened by Mags successful clearance in the one-on-one.
So ergo, vis-a-vis, consequently, etc etc...we won. Again.

But returning to the subject of a 'proper hockey game', one must remember that the influence of other sports integrated into the hockey system does have its benefits, for example, football. The similarities are endless with its structure and most of the rules...except perhaps one crucial one that Nicky Walsh forgot. But Nicky's footballing skills, and her daring question 'Which way did you give that one, ump?' earned her the highly deserved dick of the day.
Men of the match were Ruth and Chrissy, just an indication that there is no prejudice of age in this award.

A Merry Christmas to you all!

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

All good things come to those who wait.

During the game all the hard work and strategising of the last few weeks finally came together and before we knew it we found ourselves 4-0 ahead.

This came about through a solid defence, slick passing throughout the midfield and precision play by the attack. The example was set in the first half by our fearless leader - Burkie - who finding herself in space on the left of the 'D' struck a perfectly placed ball into the near corner of the goal. After this the goals just kept coming, Claire's persistent play and hard and fast balls lead to a second goal, cleanly struck with marvellous accuracy. Having seen the success Kerry had earlier in the game, Deana hit a third again from the left of the 'D'.

The second half saw the opposition step things up a gear, however our defence rose to the challenge and no serious threat was ever posed. As a result of wonderful ball play throughout, a forth and final goal once again came when a quick ball out to Claire at the top of the 'D' lead to a hard strike finding its way into the back of the goal

Lets hope the success will continue into the new year!!

M.O.M Linda (in honour of her ability to maintain perfectly manicured nails even when the odds were against her!)

Ladies 4th XI