Match Reports For Saturday 13th December Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

This was indeed a classic game of two halves. Brighton dominating the first with Staines enjoying the better of the second. At half time things looked bleak for the blue army but a spirited fightback from 3-0 down led to an exciting finish. The game began with Brighton putting a lot of pressure on the Staines back line and a mistake by Liam Greene almost put Brighton ahead in the first minute but for a good save by Neil Hallsworth in the Staines goal. This stirred Staines and they started to manage the ball out of the Brighton press through John Stannard and construct their own periods of pressure on the opposition defence. With James Chapman looking lively down the left and Stuart Hall marshalling the right Staines gained some good possesion but were unable to create many chances and didn't get much pressure on the Brighton back line. This was in stark contrast to Brighton who managed to score from pretty much every chance they created in the first half. First a penalty corner strike evaded the Staines defence for 1-0, then soon after a Brighton break down their right meant a tap in for their centre forward. Staines heads did not drop and they continued to play some good hockey. However, before half time Staines went further behind when again too much space was afforded to Brighton's lively centre forward who finished clinically.

The second half started with Brighton again pushing forward strongly and it was not long before they increased their lead through a fantastic strike from an acute angle which gave Hallsworth in the Staines goal no chance. At 4-0 down, Staines looked down and out, but when Brighton were temporarily reduced to ten men because of an agricultural tackle on Chapman, the game swung in Staines' favour. With a slight change to the formation Staines really started to harrass the Brighton players and began to turn 50/50 challenges into 70/30 ones. This resulted in more possesion and this time the possesion was turned into goals. The first came after great work by Stuart Hall and Adam Hart who released James Hall down the right wing, his pull back from the baseline was met at the top of the circle by the charging James Chapman who fired the ball first time past the helpless keeper. Soon after this Chapman bagged his second from a penalty corner after Barry Thomas and Tim Griggs had combined to draw a foul out of the Brighton defence. With Staines driving forward Brighton were relieved to get their man back from the sin bin, but it didn't really help as Geraint Hughes drove into the circle before lobbing the goalkeeper only to have his shot hooked off the line by a defender. From the corner Chapman and Hughes combined to earn Staines another penalty corner. Chapman again firing the ball high into the net over the prostrate goalie for his hat trick and Staines' third. At 3-4 Staines were back in the game and were all over the Brighton defence.

A free hit was won on the edge of the circle and Hughes' pass into the circle was deftly met at the far post by Mike Farmer, who had sneaked up from the back. This put Staines back on level terms and they went all out for the winner. Unfortunately, as Staines pushed for the elusive winner they were hit by a sucker punch as Brighton broke and won and converted another penalty corner. With only a couple of minutes left Staines again went on the offensive and on the final whistle a penalty corner was won. With this being the last strike of the game Chapman lined up and sent his shot at goal. After a deflection by a defender the ball ended up at skipper Stuart Hall's stick and he rolled the ball past the goalkeeper into the goal - only for a defender to stop the ball on the line with his foot. As Staines called for the penalty stroke it was only left for the umpire to blow his whistle and signal - The end of the game?!?!?!?!?! Unfortunately for the Blue Army both umpires had been unsighted and so could not give the penalty. Staines were left gutted at this after all their hard work in getting back from 4-0 down. But the final score remained 5-4 to Brighton and they now move above Staines in the table at the Christmas break.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

One has to admit the most exciting team this week was clearly the Staines First Battalion. After fighting back from 0-4 down to 4-4, creaming one shot onto the neighbours conservatory roof (isn't laminated glass a wonderful thing!), and denied a last second equaliser when the ball was kicked off the line by a defender, this was going to be a hard act to follow. More new staff drafted in - Big Ben Horan and Kitt. Scouse returned to the 2's. Sohail returned from on loan to the 4's, Murph was out injured and the Wooky was away watching Rugby (although more likely curled up asleep on a warm bonnet in the car park). Chubby Jezza featured this week, so we expected to see some action from the Notcutts sniper who seems to favour the larger slower moving targets more than most.

After the customary loss of the toss by Mr Safety the game got underway. A reasonably entertaining affair with both sides creating chances and defending robustly. Staines again were fielding far too many wingers and forced one of them to play centre back instead. With Lurch pulling his strings Sohail grew accustomed to this new role and became a very effective force. Each side swapped an early short corner, to no effect, but the balance of power seemed to shift in Staines favour as the half drew to a close. We still could not achieve the breakthrough required, frustration grew to the point that Chubby Jezza argued for a decision that had already been given to him. We were also subjected to a couple of Chubby's infamous emasculated chicken screeches whenever a Holcombe defender got close. Then within a minute of the break Staines won a second short. Sponging Student drove in a good shot, their keeper managed to block, but the ball pinged out only as far as the lurking Mr Safety who merely passed it back into the net......YESSSSSSAARRGGH. 1-0. Half time.

Second half started evenly matched and then Holcombe had a good spell winning several short corners. Fortunately they were either blocked by the charging defender or on three occasions when they tried a flick routine, Roy did the business magnificently, with Trout like leaps to glove the ball away. Having already shown his ability to deal cards from his pocket faster than a Las Vegas croupier, Al Clark pulled a David Blane slight of hand on Mr Safety giving him his first ever card ever in all his years of ever playing hockey ever! After allowing play to continue on an advantage the 'green' was finally issued for an offence that had occurred last week. Despite Staines regularly penetrating the Holcombe nether regions, we were making their eyes water but getting another goal was looking unlikely and our tired looking tackling had both umpires twitching their card firing trigger fingers. Al fired again, this time a yellow given to Kitt for a tackle so late he knocked over two crates of apples in Tesco's on his next shift. Down to ten and Holcombe took full advantage managing to get a man over on the defence by waltzing through the thinly protected middle, although Bouncy Jim did his best to cover as much area as possible. They shot and they equalised. Staines regrouped and plugged the gap, but shortly after regaining the benefit of eleven men, Jezza took a turn off on a yellow for a tackle so ugly it looked like a Bulldog licking piss off stinging nettles. Although the Notcutts sniper did not get him Mick did. Again Holcombe took advantage of the self inflicted wounds and worked the ball past our overloaded defence to slip a second one into the net. If the Third Battalion can claim one outstanding attribute this season it is the determination never to fold. Holcombe kept breaking dangerously and both Mr Safety and Sohail snuffed out Holcombe advances that could have seen Roy on the receiving end of a severe shafting. The boys fought back with Big Ben and Lurch taking turns to drive forward to create chances. Kitt and Sponging Student rampaged looking to get something, anything and with only minutes to go we won a rash of short corners. Finally Bouncy Jim managed to get the ball into the net with an exquisitely struck reverse thrash after his initial attempted flick was blocked. 2-2 and another couple of short corners were won but unfortunately the left post lurking option did not work as Mr Safety miscued. So a result of 2-2 and Holcombe must have been as pleased as we were disappointed. Having controlled much of the game Staines were the architects of our own undoing with needless yellow cards.

Half Season Summary - we have the fifth best defence in the division and the eighth best attack. So we could do better particularly when we have a defender being the teams second highest goal scorer! However, bearing in mind the number of new players this season and week to week changes of line up, this is a good position to build from. Notcutts sniper has been on poor form, not bagged anybody for weeks - surely can only be the wet weather having dampened his gunpowder.

Hero: Forrest ran and ran and ran and ran, Bouncy Jim worked hard and scored a nice equaliser. But for playing very well in an unaccustomed role at centre back, Sohail deserved the award.
Big Old Mare: Both yellow card recipients gained notice (you each owe a £5 fine by the way). But this week Olly the invisible man got the vote.

A Merry Christmas to all the readers, hope you enjoy the break, I know I shall coz I'm knackered !

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

(The very wild west) Staines vs Merton.

Staines prepared for their wild west party and final game, before Christmas, ( Saturday the 13th unlucky for some).Which event they prepared best for remains to be seen.

Staines had that nice time to play, 4 pm on a dark damp afternoon. The bonus this time, is that the opposition were visible, (so business as usual). Merton showed up with only 10 men, and Captain Chris kindly arranged for Merton to be given an umpire, (a very sporting gesture and one Reigate priory could learn from and an Irony for Chris).

Road Runner and Michael Cane meditated the master plan, both were in there new Mercian jackets, the master and the apprentice. Both had cold hands, Why ? because Mercian forgot to put side pockets in the design (doooo). The master and the apprentice assembled the Staines team, up front went Gordon the gopher, Kish and Michael Cane, to shoot the goals. In defence Samurai, Terminator and Major Charles Ingrum made up the defence, to lasso the opposition. Andre played as sweeper, to stop the on coming cows, with Bob the Builder in goal, as the secret weapon.

Road Runner, Mr Motivator and Hobo who made up the midfield, to set up the shots and stop the runaway cattle. (Yes once again captain marvel had the terrible task, of telling Hobo he would have to defend and instructed Hobo to run forwards and backwards). Finally Muttley kindly did the refereeing.

The game got off to a tough start, Merton showed they were not here for a wild west party and pressed back the Staines defence and midfield. Major Charles Ingrum managed to stop coughing for once and took over Bravehearts job, with his enormous voice. Mr Motivator held the central midfield, while Road Runner tried to get the ball off the opposition to set up the wing play. Hobo was directed like a Robot in Robot wars, cries of; get back, defend, run, mark him, no him, were plenty as Hobo tried to provide both a defence and attack for Staines. However Staines took the lead, Major Charles Ingrum cleared the ball to Hobo who ran the ball the Gordon the Gopher on the left wing, who skinned two defenders and slid the ball into the net 1-0. Staines then increased the lead when Hobo cleared the ball from defence and ran down the left wing to deliver the ball again to Gordon the Gopher, who ran into the 'D' and smashed the ball into the net, 2-0.

Staines then supplied the ball forwards down the right wing and Kish, Gordon the Gopher and Road Runner had chances. Staines then further increased the lead, when Mr Motivator smashed the ball to Kish who struck a beautiful right wing shot from a tight angle into the net, 3-0. Staines then added the final blow, before half time, Road Runner did some silky wing play and a pass found Kish who wrong footed the keeper to make it 4-0 just before half time.

At half time things looked pretty good for Staines who were 4-0 up and the game looked as good as won, but you should never count your chickens before they hatch, especially with cowboys in a team, (what was in the drinks and oranges Hobo?)

The second half got underway and Staines looked to increase the lead. Staines created chances in 'D' Michael Cane, Gordon the Gopher and Kish all had chances to extend the lead. However it was Merton who made an early goal on the counter for 4-1 and the Staines' alarm bells were starting to ring. Merton then pressed Staines back more and more. Staines were very much on the counter and had lost focus, no doubt cow-girls and beer were on the mind. Staines were not using the ball well or using the spare man and created there own pressure cooker.

Samurai, Terminator and Major Charles Ingrum looked panicky in defence and were playing there own version of the wild west. Six shooter Andre got the defence out of trouble several times and Bob the Builder was getting required to fix more and more (but could he fix it?). Michael Cane looked like the man out of the no nonsense beer advert, (that's right the one who kicks the ball over the fence saying "have it"). Michael Cane could not hold the ball or find the target and even the trusty contracted shorties did not hit the back board. Hobo was dictated to more and more, cries of get back, defend, run, mark him, no him, were getting louder and more frequent. Indeed the pace of Hobo was fading and Hobo ran like an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping, as unaware to Hobo he was under attack from lurgie of another nature (what ever was in the was in the drinks and oranges Hobo had had an over dose!). Though Hobo tried to be a left midfield player, he was not and Muttley showed Hobo up for pace when he over took Hobo down the line with the whistle, all Hobo could hear was (sh, sh, sh, sh).

Only 15 minutes to go and Staines had a lead of 4-1, when the almost certain winners, Staines eventually got themselves into big trouble. What a mess, it was all cow-boys being cow-girls and indians in defence. Eventually the defence, left the inevitable gap open for Merton to Smash in a second, for 4-2. Staines tried to regroup, but the ball was stuck in the Staines defence, which was very much the wild, wild, west. Staines failed to use the extra man or spread the play. Merton had got the bit between the teeth and Staines were all over the place. Staines may have well been signing "Bob the Builder can he fix it" "No he can't", as a third goal went in and Merton pulled the score back to 4-3. No sooner had Merton scored the third when a fourth went in for 4-4. Fortunately for Staines Merton ran out of time and the game ended with a 4-4 draw.

After the game the disappointed and puzzled Staines disappeared into the bar, Muttley looked in disbelief, as he had witnessed Staines concede a 4-1 victory in 15 minutes. Muttley described the Staines second half as rubbish and, Hobo's and Michael Canes efforts as hopeless, followed by (sh, sh, sh,). Gordon the Gopher said to Hobo "I don't mean to be rude, but your pants in midfield". Maddie, Mr Motivatetor, Hobo, Terminator and Road Runner then prepared the match tea. Gordon the Gopher shot off for chips galore. Terminator and Road Runner shot off soon afterwards for the wild west party. Michael Cane put on his jeans and a badge and became Clint Eastwood in the bar. Road Runner returned to help Hobo and Maddie with the match tea.

Beans and toast all round until Gordon the Gopher returned from lapland with a sack of chips, yes that's right (chips) not s**ts. Hobo then went of to find his wild west outfit, but Hobo did not returned till Monday, as Hobo was hit for six by a virus (probably given to Hobo by that luck 67 shirt) and the added bonus of playing in midfield can only of helped Hobos termination for the day. Fortunately Hobo did not have to call a vet out or be put down, but it was close.

Meanwhile no doubt the rest of the team played cow-boys and cow-girls and had a great time. I would hazard a guess that Terminator played magic roundabout with his bicycle while road runner went meep, meep at the on-coming traffic and Major Charles Ingrum filled out an insurance claim. With Michael Cane of course rapping of things by asking "what the bloody hell are you boys doing lads, you're acting like a bunch of cowboys", to which road runner would reply "yes Keith, we are".

To summarise the game and first part of the season; Staines look puzzled and disappointed after this game, as well they should be, to lose a 4-1 lead in 15 minutes is almost unthinkable and Staines had dropped another 2 points. Staines have now lost 2 points against Battersea, Guildford and Merton plus 3 points against Reigate Priory. Thus conceding 9 points from November to December. Apart from Reigate Priory and Guildford, Staines should have had the remaining 4 points in the bag and the league lead. Fortunately for Staines Woking lost their last Game and Guildford drew theirs. Staines will have to take all the points in the second half of the season.

There is now no room for error, the league is not between Woking, Guildford and Staines, the league is about winning all games and a league tittle. Staines are looking complacent and complacency only leads to failure in the wild west. The points are not the only problem, Staines scoring rate early on in the season was being shared through the team, now it's being restricted to mainly just two individuals the master and the apprentice. This would appear to be having a cascading effect on the team play as the play looks predictable thus easier for the opposition to counter and this may explain the increase in goals conceded in recent times!

Staines face Sunbury in the new year (3rd of January) for their first game, with Woking (24th January) to shortly follow. Staines must have a good Christmas break and come back in the New Year to produce the early team pattern of play of 2003 and resurrect this league campaign.

Staines need VA VA VOOM and have POINTS TO PROVE will be the (RETURN of THE KINGS!) The match reports are certainly long enough to qualify. Final Score: Merton 4, Staines 4
Scorers: Gordon the Gopher 2, Kish 2
Man of Match: Andre for sheer work effort.
Dick of the day: Hobo for being lazy, porched, not in the game and having no pace. (Don't forget Christmas curry 18th of December)

Mens 6th XI

With Uncle Tom Cobbly and all away watching the rugby and enjoying the lavish pleasure of a hospitality box all the lower teams were weakened appreciably. Worse to follow with a couple of players away doing Xmas shopping - ridiculous I say - there's still two weeks to go !!! And even worse, Gordon couldn't travel away due to family commitments and so he was relegated along with Kishan up to the 5's.

Teamsheet looking a bit bare by Wednesday night ... bit like my Xmas shopping list to date. Some desperate phone calls resulted in Martin the Barman relinquishing his umpiring duties to play instead with myself and Diego umpiring each other's games. Then to make it up to 11 we called upon two more members of the Under 14's, so a big welcome to Dougie and Matthew.

It was a fairly scrappy opening but it was Staines who were first to apply any pressure using both wings to good effect, but without creating a clear-cut goal scoring opportunity. Then we started to make things hard for ourselves by trying fancy-dan reverse stick passes when a simple drag back and layoff might have been more fruitful. In defence Andy did a couple of heart-stopping dribbles - unfortunately it was our hearts he was stopping - as he got tackled leaving the defence exposed. This period of play was climaxed by a great Keystone Cops routine as Andy dribbled out of the 25 and then went for the big hit only to fall over on a wet patch - fortunately their attacker fluffed the gilt-edged chance giving Andy time to redeem his error.

Tom was unsettling their defence with his pace and Dougie almost turned the ball home for a goal on his debut but missed by inches.

HT: 0-0

Not bad effort for a team that was thrown together so late in the day. Need to keep it tight and lets use simpler passing moves to break them down.

The second period started much better for Staines as we started to use Martin the Barman as a pivot in midfield, allowing Tom to use his pace down the right wing. Some excellent pressing saw us win short corners at regular intervals from which Martin touched the ball an inch wide of the back post. Rats! On a rare break the home side almost squeezed a shot in at the near post but from the clearance we broke quickly upfield and won another shorty. With Andre's shots being charged down Martin called for this one to be slipped left to Martin the Barman. Everything went to plan until Martin the Barman hit the shot - not quite where he wanted it to go - but it was hard enough to beat the keeper and in for 1-0 ...yessir !!!!!

Only 15 mins to go now and Mill Hill threw themselves forward but were frustrated by some fine tackling at the back by young Jack Nowicki, ably assisted by the big booming clearing hits by Captain Martin into the far corners of the Mill Hill half - good job there is no such thing as the "icing" rule in field hockey as there is in ice hockey.

FT: 1-0

A vital win and well deserved in the 2nd half especially as we had much the better of the play and protected the lead very professionally after taking the lead with 15 mins left.

Tiger of the Day : Matthew - what a great debut !
Donkey of the Day : Andy - he swings he falls on his a**e

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI