Match Reports For Saturday 24th January Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Another appalling start to a game of hockey by Staines saw them going two down within the first five minutes away against Old Whitgiftian's. The comedy of errors began with the blue army being put under a great deal of pressure by Old Whitgiftian's and this led to a number of penalty corners. One of these was converted by a straight strike to put Old Whitgiftian's 1-0 up. This was soon increased when a collision in the Staines defence led to the ball being given away and some weak tackling led to another goal to the home side. Staines were rather stunned to be 2-0 down so quickly, however it was an awful start to the game and they deserved to be behind. As the first half went on, Staines managed to get more into the game and began to impose themselves more on their opposite numbers. This led to the game being played in the Old Whitgiftian's half and meant the Staines forwards got a chance to run at the Old Whitgiftian's defence. It was from a number of great dribbles by Neil Toulson that Staines began to win penalty corners of their own, and after chances for John Stannard and James Chapman, Chapman managed to strike for Staines' first.

This was soon followed up by a deflected corner by Matt Truman to level the scores. The game was quite a scrappy battle in midfield and Staines were just managing to get the better of it, when from a great pass by Chapman, Mark Hampton appeared in space at the top of the circle to smash the ball into the top corner past the startled Old Whitgiftian's keeper. Having taken the lead Staines managed to put pressure on themselves again when Geraint Hughes was sinbinned for questionning the umpires decision. However, both sides were then down to ten men when the Old Whitgiftian's centre forward got himself sinbinned for an awful tackle. As both sides got back to full strength the whistle went for half time.

The second half was far more encouraging for Staines with the game becoming more and more open as Old Whitgiftian's seemed to tire. Pressure was put on the Old Whitgiftian's defence but it seemed there were not going to be any more goals as wayward shooting and poor passing meant no goals. After a short period of pressure by Old Whitgiftian's, Staines broke away and Matt Truman hammered the ball past the keeper after good work by Toulson. At 4-2 up the game appeared won as Old Whitgiftian's seemed unable to break through the Staines defence but a couple of good breaks meant that Neil Hallsworth in the Staines goal was called into action to make a couple of good saves. Staines kept going to the final whistle and moments before it Chapman, from the penalty spot, got his second and Staines' fifth after Truman was fouled in the circle as he was about to shoot.

In the end it was a good win for Staines despite the awful start and coach Sibia will be hoping that the blues can start playing hockey for the entire seventy minutes in future. This coming Saturday Staines are away at PHC Chiswick and then on Sunday take on Indian Gymkhana in the Middlesex Cup.

Mens 2nd XI

After last week's draw against Lewes, Staines were looking for an improved performance whether it was 2 points lost or 1 point gained remains dependent on your particular point of view. Not having been there I am unable to pass further comment other than to note that we are one place above them and 2 points ahead.

The last time we played Canterbury we were given a 6 nil drubbing and played off the park. Since then we emerged an angry bunch of players and that game proved a catalyst for change. Team shape and play changed and also individual resolve. Consequently any opposition team would have to work bloody hard to score against us. This is exactly what Canterbury had to produce.

Another change in team line up this week. Roy made his debut in goal. Sniffer was still sweeping with big Ben and Liam on either side assisted by Clive starting at his favourite position, centre back. The midfield comprised of Sponging Student and Shagger Hine on either flank with Dougie in the middle forming the linchpin. Upfront was Dutch 'Hey you guys' Jerry along with Kit Quattro, Lee and the ever babbling Barry the arthritic git. JD was team coach and honourable twelfth man.

Staines started strongly working the ball out from deep up both flanks with good work from Greeny and Big Ben. Canterbury responded with fast counter attacks. Sniffer Watson stepped up to break up play and re-distribute. Lee Atkinson turned on the trickery and gained us territory and free hits down the left hand side. Our first awarded short corner with a straight strike from Jerry put us 1 nil up. Canterbury responded when for a five-minute spell Staines lost their composure however their best effort rattled off the crossbar.

Unluckily Canterbury were awarded a short corner which they dispatched in off the keeper's right hand post. Staines fought hard to gain a winner. Roy produced clearance after clearance with some fine athletic displays as he emulated the Salmon. Kit produced a fine goal line save when Roy had been beaten and kept us in it.

JD instigated a wave of substitutions. Jerry swapped to centre back and Kit came on for Lee in a bid to keep the highflying tempo constant. Canterbury produced the first goal of the second half when the ball spun onto Sponging Student's left boot as they smashed their second short corner away. JD fuming on the sideline substituted Dougie who was puffing in the middle for a little rest. Within two minutes of being on the pitch he scored the equaliser then promptly subbed himself off. Barry up front practised his twisty turny stuff of which Mick, who was watching on the sideline, would only have been proud. After having beaten their defence twice he scuffed his final shot. Their sweeper spent some time in the sin bin for some general chop chopping which allowed us to score the equalizer. Greeny was launching his flicks up the left hand side while Clive and Ben shifted the ball with great speed up the opposite flank. Sniffer Watson broke up attack after attack and taught the Canterbury youngsters a thing or two on how to shield the ball using your body. He seemed to enjoy playing bumper cars. Wave after wave of attack and defending happened until 70 minutes were up.

So far this was the best match of the season. Not only had we changed the scoreline from our last meeting with Canterbury but the pace and movement was excellent. So much so that Canterbury's skipper came up to the team and congratulated us as he too saw it as their best game thus far. 'There are some tossers in this league but this was the best game of the season,' He said. Everyone played out of their skins with fast, competitive, all committed and quick flowing hockey, 110% and just how we like it.

Bring on Havant. I can smell an upset on the books.

Now to matters off the pitch.

Man of the match. Sponging Student got one vote. Roy and Kit Quattro got two votes for his never say die attitude (despite his shit tackling!) But the winner went to JD. The last sentry standing came on and gained us 1 point by scoring the equaliser.

Dick of the Day. Events surrounding Dick of the Day tend to be somewhat predictable. Let just say you always know what certain 'characters' in the team will do. Sniffer forgot to ring the umpire. Then there was the saga over the baked beans where he attempted to blame other teammates for his error. This should have been severely dealt with at fines. Also his unauthorised absence to watch Quins play and subsequent lateness at fines. All eyes are on the bean count next week against Havant. But what could have been worse than that? We had all hoped that New Year's resolutions would have been adhered to and that Clive would only have one. To turn up on time for the match. It was a midday meet at the clubhouse. Clive rang in via Hong Kong or something. I'm stuck at Clapham Junction, he said. Engineering works. Ah, we all said. Would this be the same engineering works that are on the same line that you take to work everyday? Worse still poor Mel who was initiated into the fines circle stood accused by Clive of being the reason why he was late! Luckily Mel saw this coming and straight batted it back. Clive was well and truly in it. Still he took it well especially as he had been given the new Dunlop branded green wellies as this week's dick of the day item.

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

Skipping over to the astro saw the team in fine fettle this week, with the return of the Housewife's Favourite, back from a stint of sitting with the old people of Ashford Hospital's Geriatric ward and breathing through a mask, taking pills and awaiting the nightly waterfall displays from the other patients. Yes a double pneumonia if you will. Why? No idea. I thought that you got pneumonia by saving small children from iced over lakes but, I can assure you, it wasn't the case here.

Enough of this and on to the game. Das Kapitan, Alex was out this week, serving time in the 3's for some heinous crime committed over the Christmas break no doubt and so in stepped the Tart, who won the toss and then chose the wrong end to start from. You see Martin, the physics involved are that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, which means at your 2.30 start, the sun is a right bugger and you can't see much, but in a mere 35 minutes time, it will be so low, it may as well be rolling along the pitch, blinding all who look at it in all it's fiery glory.

Anyway, the game got underway and we were firmly on top of things with some well thought out passing, and some really good attacking runs. All was rewarded when the Chubster Jeremy picked out The Tart, who darted round the Tring keeper and spooned a reverse sticker that trickled across the line. More pressure on Tring was unrewarded until much later in the half, but we looked a half decent side, new boy Dave Farmer fitting in nicely on the left. Tring were winning short corners though, but didn't look that dangerous, even though they had their own code system for the various routines. "Delta Four" shouted the pusher on one occasion, "To E - Five" I shouted back, thinking I was about to take his Queen, fortunately this made the bloke who stopped the ball laugh and so another Tring short went begging. (This earned me a ticking off for being silly on pitch from Sidney. Sorry mate, it won't happen again.)
Speaking of Sidney, he was green carded for some reason, if it wasn't for one of his "challenges" on the 25 yard line, then it should have been. Shocking!

The game plodded on and it was becoming clear that our midfield was beginning to tire somewhat. With the best efforts of Dean, Mark, Jezza or whoever else was on at the time, we couldn't stop Tring and put our mark on the game. The goal floodgates should have been not only opened, but firmly pinned back as we squandered chance after chance, until finally we were once more rewarded with a very promising move from Staines that saw Deano make a run to the Tring back line and pick out the D loitering Dan who redirected the ball neatly into the goal. Very nice indeed!

Half time saw bladders empty and the team talk meander about what we were not doing and slosh and gurgle on to exactly what we should be doing. Which of course, is building on our lead and taking care of business in the middle and at the back, whilst running riot up front. It all sounded so easy. Mark by this stage had started to go into Auto Pilot and was just about to get the Talc out and Nappy up Gloria, when he realised he wasn't at home with his 10 day old daughter, Holly (congrats by the way). Sleep deprivation looked like it could make a difference to his second half performance as he was seen to be looking for a quiet place on the pitch where he could get his head down for a couple of minutes.

The whistle blew, the game restarted and off we went. Marking by this stage had degenerated somewhat. Sid was doing his thing well and minimalising his suicide balls, Gnasher and Colin and Mr Toad (Simon Schute) were very strong, Gnashers legs and feet taking a battering from the ball once again, but this was nothing however, compared to the goat/sex research that he had to do for his latest publication, "Zoo Weekly" (I kid you not, check it out on http://www.zooweekly.co.uk/).

The second half was something of a shambles, Tring fortunately couldn't convert any of their goal attempts, hitting the post on one occasion and Colin spooning a waist high ball safely past the other post on another, but their work rate kept up and they piled on the pressure. The gaps that they had to move in were fantastic as Leaner nodded quietly in a corner somewhere and about this time, the sun fell out of the sky and hovered about 12 feet above the pitch. Cunningly we thought we would use this, so we lassoed it and stuck it under Mr Langdon, who shot into the air and opened his scoring account, then promptly closed it again and drifted back off to sleep. Jezza was half struck by the Notcutts sniper this week and like Mark, his sights were a little bit of target. A most unpretty display by the Staines team in the 2nd half was thankfully ended with the full time whistle as by this stage, we couldn't see much of anything going on, the sun doing it's thing once again.

In all honesty, Tring deserved something from this game as they defended well and came forward in numbers exploiting our weaknesses, but to our Oppositions dismay our defence held very well. We certainly didn't deserve the clean sheet as there were too many mistakes made, but clean sheets don't happen often when I'm in goal, so I'll take them where I can thankyouverymuch.

MOM ~ Me! For a rare clean sheet

DOD ~ Deano, for moaning at Al the Umpire and tardy passing. Not a good day!

Special mentions go to Porno Hudson who has taken the Dick of the day hat and bow tie on Holiday with him to New Zealand. Mumbles were heard about shaving him or something.

Next week: Same time, same place, different opposition. Gerrards Cross are making the pilgrimage to Staines to take us on and eat our sandwiches.

Mens 5th XI

Road Runners barmy army carried on their quest. In stepped, Michael Cane, Major Charles Ingrum, Vinny Safety and Penny Racer. While Diamond Geezer, Bone Collector and the Jolly Green Giant (who was not so Jolly) headed for their yearly 85mile trip, to party with the Arch Bishop of Canterbury. As for Flashes whereabouts, one can only assume he's moved his National women trombone operations to International (say no more).

Road Runner had a cunning and subtle plan for the Woking game. Which was as cunning as a fox, which had just been appointed the professor of cunning at Oxford University. The plan was to play 5 in midfield 2 up front and 3 in defence, as Road Runner predicted the game would be won or lost in midfield. Road Runner showed his plan to Michael Cane, but Mr Cane was not impressed, saying "you don't want to do it like that", "you want to do it like this", "why are you changing the formation".

Road Runner conceded defeat to the master and Michael Cane hatched a new plan, to play 3 in midfield 3 in attack and 4 at the back. The master and the apprentice then rallied their troops and the game plan was hatched.

The two teams lined up at the delightful town of Feltham, both look well organised and the Woking team looked as if they had had their weetabix, as they appeared to have grown in stature and skill from the last encounter.

The Rolloacoaster game got under way with Staines attacking down the left side. Major Charles Ingrum and Road Runner linked well, to create the first sign of danger for Woking. Road Runner went close three times, but the Woking keeper kept Staines at bay.

The Staines defence of Penny Racer, Samurai, Brave Heart and Safety had looked solid. Then to Staines shock, Woking found space in the Staines midfield and broke quickly on the counter, to score an early goal for a 0-1 lead. Staines looked shocked and stepped up a gear, but there was still to much space in the centre of midfield, which Woking were exploiting. Eventually Major Charles Ingrum broke down the wing to cross into the 'D' and Hobo poached a goal to make it 1-1 and put Staines back in the game.

Woking then went in to a lull and Staines had more success down the left flank, once more a cross was created and Michael Cane scrambled a goal to give Staines a 2 -1 lead. At this point Staines were in control and the Mad Mexican was running the midfield and the attack was being switched from left to right. Staines had another chance when Hobo skinned his marker and crossed the ball in the 'D', Kill Bill reached the cross, but the Woking keeper saved the strike. Staines had all the play. Hobo, Road Runner and Kill Bill went close on other occasions. The Mad Mexican sliced through the Woking midfield at will. The Staines defence looked in control and cleaned up the Woking threats. Staines won many shorties form the left and right flank, but did not make them count.

Woking were well aware of the Staines shortie routine (the contract between the master and apprentice). The shorties were read like a book and the Staines looked predicable.

At Half time Staines had the lead 2-1 but hadn't killed the game and left Woking a life line. Hobo boosted the teams energy with Lucazade ready for the second half, while Michael Cane gave the briefing.

The second half got under way and Woking came out with all guns blazing, the Staines control on the game had slipped and the central midfield void was starting to get wider, as Woking counter attacked with swift neat passing to level the score at 2-2.

Staines stepped up the gear and again found joy down the Woking left, as Kill Bill and Major Charles Ingrum liked well to create opportunities in the 'D', again Staines won Shorties. This half the shortie tactic was varied and Staines went close to taking the lead again form a shortie, when Michael Cane passed to Little John who banged the ball from the top 'D', but some how Woking scrambled it away. Road Runner thought he had scored from a shortie, but it was disallowed.

Eventually Mad Mexican took Staines back into the lead, hitting a shot in the 'D', which was deflected into the Woking net for a goal for a 3-2 lead. Once more Staines had the lead, but Woking were defiant.

Woking Stepped up their game and found the void in the Staines central midfield, which was now a crevasse. Woking sliced through the Staines midfield with ease and eventually made an opening count, to peg Staines back to 3-3.

Staines were now very much playing a dicey game as they pushed for the win, Staines attack became to focused down the left and the defence was left totally exposed. Samurai, Brave Heart and Safety were under siege from the Woking forwards. The Woking forwards created at least three clear cut opportunities to score and Bob the Builder saved Staines from defeat with some fantastic goal keeping.

The game finished honours even with a 3-3 draw. The result for Staines was a mixture of frustration and relief. Staines should have won the game with the chances they created, but on the other had Staines could have lost the game if Woking had taken three golden opportunities at the end of the second half.

To Summarise the Staines midfield was were the battle was going to be won or lost, as captain Marvel had predicted. Staines needed and extra man in the centre (this was maybe a game were Mr Motivator was missed), although the 4-3-3 formation gave Staines a flexible attack, the midfield struggled to protect the defence. May be the 3-5-2 formation would have given Staines a better balance of attacking and defensive cover. Which was a similar situation to the games against Guilford, Reigate and Merton, which are all games where Staines have dropped points (easy to say in hind sight).

As for good and bad points about the game Kill Bill linked well with Major Charles Ingrum, Mad Mexican was as energetic as ever, Bob the Builder pulled off some fantastic saves. The short corner routine had the most chances (which could be counted on two hands), for which not one was scored.

Staines 100% of 2004 record was finished, no sooner than it was started. Staines have now dropped 11 points this season and cannot surely afford to drop anymore. With 8 games to go Staines will have to win all, to keep their league ambitions on course (Judgement Time).

Final Score: Staines 3, Woking 3
Sorers: Hobo, Michael Cane, Mad Mexican
Man of Match Kill Bill was narrowly piped again by Mad Mexican
Dick of the Day Mad Mexican and Kill Bill both won this for doing a runner from kitchen duties (and yes your doing for Kitchen duties for the next home game)

Mens 6th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Jo Ive 2
Sarah Hamilton 2
Anna Truman 1
Chrissy Lind 1
Mel Attfield 1
Kerry Attfield 1

Staines ladies 1sts proved their dominance of the league with an 8 goal spree against their league rivals Southgate. Now 6 points clear at the top with more than a handful of goals, the team have certainly begun to prove their need to move on to bigger and better hockey (NB to coach: now did I mention the 'p' word?).

Magnificent Staines were the epitome of team cohesion, the craftsmen of creativity, perhaps even holding a world record for the fastest consecutive goal scored in 2.485 seconds (Clarification from the Guinness Board to arrive soon).

The artistic carving runs of the forward line was stuff out of the textbook. The normally genteel and soft-spoken Maggie was a stuntwoman's dream, her diving saves denying Southgate time and time again. Indeed, her smidgen of a mistake was saved off the line by the equally breath-taking dive of Jo Studley. Yes, Hockey Is Life. Mags' commitment
awarded, both her and The Truman Show sweeping up the Man of the Match awards in what can only be described as quiet humility - I shall mention at this point (though who doesn't know?) to avoid further conflict: Struds was MOM last week. Clap clap.

But in commemoration of this memorable mesmorising momentous moment, and in further practice for the Karaoke night (indeed, Staines apply hard training in all walks of life), a song has been composed in their honour:


'Where's The Oppo?' (To the tune of Black Eyed Peas Where is the Love?')

(Chorus)
Staines a' scorin', Southgate dying
Six points clear, other teams a'crying
We've practiced so on the pitch
This league we'll finally ditch
Father, Father Seamus helped us
Training hard in rain or snow
And now he's got us, got us questioning
Where's the Oppo?

(Rap)
What's wrong with this game, mama
Staines a' playin' like there ain't got no t'mara
I think the whole teams addicted to bein' a scorer
(Only this time it's not just Trumana)
Yea, they're trying to stop Staines winnin'
But they're gettin' a butt-kickin'
By da Attfield sistas, Jo Ive's twistas
Chrissy, Anna and Baldy's goal-stealas

But if we only sing Staines' praise
It would seem we only gun' discriminate
Yet we did give 'em da chance for a (too) late
Comeback jus' before da break
This, dear Audrey did a contemplate
'Tis a shame to ruin a girl's birth date'
Respect! Though her excuse we debate
'The sun in her eyes', hands a goal away
But (democratically) wins her dick of da day

Well this league dat we bidin' in
Chill, we ain't remainin' in
4-1 the score at the first half stint
But determined Staines wanted to double it!
The truth ain't no secret, not swept unda the rug
If you ain't convinced a proof, then I'll explain
guv'
Where's the Oppo, yo?
I don't know
Where's the Love, yo?
In da league above...

Ladies 2nd XI

Staines Ladies first league game after the Christmas break and the Ladies 2's were at home determined to come out on top at the end of the 70 minutes.

Up against Sunbury, just one place ahead in the league, the game was destined to be a tight fought match. Staines took a while to settle as the first half began and soon found themselves trailing 1-0 after Sunbury took their chance in 'D'.

Half time came and went and Staines' determination to right the things that they were doing wrong was obvious in the first 10 of the second half as they unsettled the previously un-ruffled Sunbury side. The charging runs of the midfield and forwards caught Sunbury unawares and a number of rash tackles teamed with some colourful language! led to a string of corners for the home team. Eventually Staines managed to pull the score line level after a thundering strike from Oli Flint that was going nowhere but in the back of the net.

Oli struck again just a few minutes later when she stepped forward to convert a perfectly executed penalty flick to put Staines ahead for the first time.

Staines continued to work hard with the backline mopping up any pressure that was put upon them and the midfield serving the forward line well for more attempts on goal. It was unfortunate therefore with just 5 minutes left of the game that Sunbury struck again with an unstoppable short corner strike.

A 2-2 draw summed up a fair 70 minutes of goal to goal action. Staines are looking to take the full 3 points next week when we take on bottom of the table Chiswick.

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

We played Southgate away.

The match got off to a good start with every one in good spirits and wanting a win !! Which has been a rare event just lately. We put up a good fight in the first half but they scored so we were 1-0 down. With a quick pep talk from Ali we steamed into the second half with a nice goal from Ali andwe were on top of the moon. Then shortly after Vikkie scored yipeee!! Unfortunately as soon as Emma shouted "we can win this" ...... it was all over they scored again from a short corner drat we were still pleased as Ithink they thought they would walk all over us!

M.O.M. Heather for her brave goal keeping .