Match Reports For Saturday 7th February Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines' run of good results was ended by a committed Fareham side who Staines had beaten in the last minute in the first half of the season.

The game began with Fareham putting the blues under pressure but the Staines defence kept them out with some last ditch tackling. However, the pressure soon told with Fareham taking the lead through a sloppy goal. Staines were stung into action by this and soon after managed an equaliser. James Chapman scoring from a trademark penalty corner strike. For the next fifteen minutes Staines played their best hockey of the game and during this period they
took the lead through Adam Hart. The ball was switched nicely from the right to the left by James Chapman and Mark Hampton and from his great pass Hart appeared in the circle to cheekily deflect home. With the lead in their hands Staines took their foot of the pedal slightly and it was Fareham who again dominated the rest of the half coming close to equalising a number of times.

Into the second half the game continued in a similar vein with Fareham having the better of the game and from their dominance goals started to come. Firstly they equalised through a penalty corner, then they took the lead with a strike from the top of the circle into the top corner after weak tackling let the Fareham striker through. At 3-2 down and going into the last ten minutes, Staines pressed forward looking for the equaliser, but they were to be denied as Fareham increased the lead through a penalty stroke. With Staines being reduced to ten men for the last five minutes
there was no way back.This week Staines take on Bournemouth looking to keep their third place in the table and get revenge for a thumping earlier on in the season against the south coast opposition.

Mens 2nd XI

An away game at Woking, Keith Hine came along for the trip and ran things from the bench. Our thanks go to him for this along with providing new kit that enabled us all to look suitably smart and respectable.

Douglas and Barry were recalled up to the ones. Big Harv was back looking leaner complete with his new super clearance kickers what with Roy being away. Sniffer was back at sweeper, Big Mr Horannnn, Liam Greene and with a new style basin haircut Clive completed the defensive line up. The usual trio formed the midfield and upfront Frodo Kit the axeman Wilkinson, Lee Atkinson, Grolsch Jerry and Danny boy Knowles completed the frontal attack.

A flying start from Staines meant we pushed Woking deep into their half with the midfield pressing high. The right side became heavily bogged down with players so Robbie and Liam stretched the play as far wide as possible up the left hand side to some positive effect. We earned a short corner but were unable to convert. The ball whizzed around at a fast pace until half time.

As the second half went on the pace remained high and Keith effected substitutions as best he saw fit to keep legs fresh. Woking attacked our D and gained a succession of short corners, which were defended by all four troops and the goalkeeper as best they could. It became apparent that something was not quite up to scratch. For all those who were there they know what I mean. It wasn't us nor was it the opposition team as many Staines players knew the opposition personally. It was the other something. Suffice to say that Big Harv said. 'If we didn't know them (Woking) this match would have been a bloodbath'. Sniffer Watson could scarcely believe it either. 'They cost us the match' he said. Staines went down fighting one goal to nil. I wouldn't call it sour grapes. I know what I saw on Saturday. If it were their driving test they were doing they would have failed miserably. This now leaves us right back in a relegation battle as Woking open up daylight between them and Ashford. On to more pleasant things.

Fines. Liam Greene was voted man of the match demonstrating a much-improved performance and showing his hockey prowess, if only he were sober every week.

Dick of the day. A somewhat harsh vote but the captain fell on his sword again and Sniffer Watson took it for the second week running. Frodo Baggins modelled the uniform as penance from last week until Mr Watson adorned it. The drink off was performed by Mr Greene and stepping for Mr Watson was Mr Hine junior. Mr Greene completed his pint in 5.49 seconds, whilst Mr Hine completed a new record of 41 seconds. He seemed pleased as this represented an improved performance on his previous efforts. Absence is not acceptable at fines, Messrs Atkinson, Knowles and Gardien. You all owe a tenner each and a jug of snakyB. No one was ill or late. Although I haven't seen Scouse Forrester for a while. I presume he is doing time for nicking car stereos or hubcaps. Clive was practically first for the meet again. I think he has turned over a new leaf along with his nice new schoolboy haircut. Mel must be working on his image. The finesmaster declared that all teammates should address each other by surname only. He promptly fell foul of his own rule and must have necked at least two pints for this dreadful faux pas. Watson got fined for forgetting his notes and not practicing in front of the mirror. Messrs Horann, Dodwell and Watson left their mobiles on and were suitably fined. Although we all know Douglas was ringing their phones trying to further stir up fines.

Next week Holcombe at home.

Mens 3rd XI

Unseasonably pleasant weather for the time of year greeted the Third Battalion, as did a pall of pungent steam issuing from the Kitchen as Racer Rodders Chilli cauldron was brought to the boil. This week a vastly improved Fareham side were our guests, probably still wondering how we got away with a 1-1 draw at their place before Christmas. In order to shore up the 3's defence and improve our odds of hitting the onion bag Mr Safety went for experience, pillaging the Men's 4's nursing home for ex-3's players. Shaking the tartan rugs off their knees and after some industrial strength booster shots of Sanatogen, Pace O'Brien, Action Man Reed and Uncle Fester were led blinking into the bright sunlight. The slightly less pensionable Mart the Tart was the other recruit. Staines went through a relaxed and careful warm up routine, the tweeting birds and wind whispering through the trees occasionally interrupted by the loud creaking of arthritic joints and the odd bone crack as bits of cartilage were mobilised.

The toss losing ceremony was duly conducted and the two teams lined up. The Staines carthorses, pit-ponies and sway backed old nags ranged against the thoroughbreds and polo ponies of Fareham. Mick blew his bugle and Fareham immediately cavalry charged towards our D. Just like the Napoleonic Old Guard the reliable old bastions of Pace, Fester, Reedy and Safety held them off, with additional input from the Boy Roy in goal. However the smell of old piss and cabbages must have been making his eyes water but Royston stuck grimly to his task throughout this days battle. After an initial period of assault the Staines defence got some small relief when eventually the ball got through to Pathfinder Quinlan and Brendan up front, ably supported by Mart the Tart. A couple of interesting probes into the Fareham D came to nought. Ultimately the Old Guard were regularly being overwhelmed as possession was given away too easily in midfield leading to a couple of well taken goals by Fareham. The Blue Army fought back and managed to win a short corner. Bouncy Jim's flick was blocked, Mik followed up with a quick shot - also blocked. Mr Safety pounced on the rebound but before he could dispatch the ball he was rudely interrupted from behind. P-flick awarded and very neatly put away by Bouncy Jim. Now only 2-1 down so Staines were back in with a chance. Hopes were short lived as very soon the Fareham cavalry had breeched the defence and slipped a sly one into our net. Then Uncle Fester tripped over his catheter lead and plumbed a 16 yard hit straight at the youthful Fareham #9, who immediately whizzed past the entangled Sidney. Royston charged like a wounded Rhino and fortunately did enough to put the attacker off his stroke to miss the open goal. After such a glaring miss you would normally expect the average attacker to be slightly upset, indeed he was. In fact he was very upset, all the toys were out of the pram in a stick chucking frenzy. He had such a major tantrum, he virtually wet himself. The umpire was having none of that, so sent him off to get his nappy changed. With a few minutes to half time, Staines managed to take advantage of the temporary numerical difference. Mart the Tart almost scored a spectacular when his deflected attempt looped past the beaten keeper and pinged off the cross bar. Then some more good approach work enabled Brendan to nip in to clip the ball in from close range. Half time, Staines down 3-2.

So far we had been much to profligate in giving away short corners and this continued into the second half. Although the defence had done well to keep out all short attempts with Mr Safety charging down several shots, the law of averages is sooner or later going to take effect. Indeed within 10 minutes of the restart a Fareham short was cannoned into the bottom corner through the narrowest of gaps to restore their two goal cushion. Staines aggressively pressed on to reduce the deficit, but too often left the door open for fast Fareham counter attacks. Which eventually they scored again from, the ball deflecting high off a defending stick to loop over the leaping form of Roy. Roy tried to change direction, speed, trajectory and dislocate his spine whilst already in mid air, but not even the new Typhoon Eurofighter can pull off such a manoeuvre so we went another goal down. A slim hope was raised, very slim, so waif like and brittle you could call it Victoria Beckham. Brendan managed to evade his marker and sprinted after the ball in the Fareham D, bravely he ignored the Fareham keeper who charged out in a welter of screeching plastic, burnt rubber, snot and stick - and managed to nip the ball into the net to reduce the deficit to 3-5. Farehams youth, skills and team work could not be denied and they managed to bag two more goals before Staines, fighting for sheer pride, won a short corner in the dying seconds. Uncle Fester tried to get a shot off but a foul had been committed so a retake was called. This time Mr Safety delivered a cheeky short one to Pace O'Brien waiting very wide on the left. He cut in and blasted the ball home from the angle, giving a final score of 4-7. Not a good result for the team, but was excellent entertainment and value for money for the crowd.

Hero: He scored two goals and worked hard for the full 70 minutes, Brendan wears the coveted shirt with pride.
Olde Woman's Unmentionables: The interesting free hit by Sid earned him mention, but as it resulted in the Fareham player getting sent off he was largely forgiven. However a considerable majority voted for Lurch - it just did not seem to work for him today.

Special Report: It has come to my notice that some of you are concerned that the Notcutts Sniper had emerged from his lair last night and attended the Karaoke evening. I can confirm that General Stormin' Norman in the DPM fatigues is not the Notcutts Sniper, but merely a member of the local Pykie Militia. The identity of the sniper is a closely guarded secret and must remain so, as in the spirit of the 'Stig' from 'Top Gear'.

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Another home game, well nearly a home game as we had to travel to Feltham again as there were eight scheduled league games at home this week. Only another month and we'll actually be able to play on our home astro again for the 1st time since November !

Being at home and with a rather sociable pushback time of 13:30 we got another crowd of players with 9 colts and 5 adults available. Gerald the Big Daddy of the Staines Colt movement was allocated the task of marshalling the regular substitutions from the sideline.

The game started with Staines looking for an early lead and after a couple of promising breaks it looked odds on a goal when Gordon twisted his defender inside-out in the circle, only to be pulled up by the umpire for using the wrong side of the stick. Dubious to say the least ... but heads down and get on with it lads!

It wasn't long before we took the lead with a great move. Martin with time just outside his own 25 passed to Gordon near half way who flat-sticked reversed a ball through the inside left channel to a speeding Dougie. He coolly controlled the ball ran on into the circle and slotted it neatly under the advancing keeper. A nice finish for a 13-year old who has only played a handful of games.

More pressure from the Blues saw us lay siege to the away goal and several short corners, but none were converted. Aylesbury started to sense that they had a good chance in this game and with two excellent colts up front (county players apparently) they were always a threat. With a couple of skilful adults in midfield they started to threaten more and more and started to win a few short corners of their own. Added to this some rather sloppy 16 yard hits by Nick, and then Martin we invited a lot of pressure onto ourselves. Then under pressure in the D we only cleared out to the 25 from where it was played back in and a first time strike smashed into the backboard just inside the post. Rats 1-1.

This wasn't in the script.The game swung from end-to-end and several chances went begging as our strikers hesitated when running into the circle, when if they had continued their runs they would have been clear on goal. The good thing was that slowly but surely Gordon was getting back to match speed having missed last week, and inevitably the pressure led to some more shorties. Sure enough a straighter push out from Martin allowed Gordon to drag the ball left and flash a reverse flick halfway up the net just inside the near post, 2-1.

Half-time: 2-1. Some good play but still giving the ball away too much in promising situations. Also, let's not give the colts so much time to receive the ball and embarrass us with their great stick skills. And, finally, let's attack with more purpose, and especially keep going to the back post even if you think the defender is going to cut it out.

The 2nd period started with a lot of Staines attacks that were very well defended by the visiting defence and the keeper. It was not all one-way however, and it was a good thing that Nick had shaken enough rust from his game (only his 2nd game back since his travels) to sweep up the danger when it threatened.

Then a critical moment as we swept forward down the left with nice composed defending from Jack Nowicki releasing Phil Marrillat. The ball was fed to Martin to Gordon and back again, and then a slide rule pass to the backpost back to Gordon who smashed it home into the far corner. As their big defender said to Gordon "you weren't going to miss from there!", and even he had a smile on his face. Credit to the vistors as they kept trying to play good hockey, even though their smiles did get thinner as the pressure built and the goals went in.

Gordon rattled three more in ... one swatting home after a flick bounced up off the keeper's pads to waist height, another pile driver through the keeper, and another short corner exocet to the keeper's left. Somewhere in amongst this Gordon Goal Fest - Martin popped up twice near the p-spot to flat reverse stick a couple of shots into the far corner; 8-1.

Add to this the numerous saves the keeper made to deflect goal bound shots wide, and we could have hit double figures.

Full-time: Won 8-1 (top banana !)

An excellent 2nd half performance. Having the subs on the sideline so that we could rotate the colts on and off was a massive influence on the scoreline. Having those few minutes rest throughout the game meant that as the visitors tired the fresh-legged colts could come on and cut them to shreds with pace and movement.

Tiger of the Day : A clear winner in Dougie for his coolly taken goal and some fantastic power dribbles in attack.

Donkey of the Day: In a close run vote, Jack G took it by one, basically for being slow. He tells me that next Friday he's partying to 4am ... mmm let's hope it doesn't slow him down any more.

Next week 4pm in Bicester ... and on Valentine's Day. Good job we are a team of old cynics and pre-pubescent teenagers. Unfortunately the curse of half-term strikes and we are four colts down for next week, so we might have to raid the Under-14's cupboard for a couple more players.

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Friends, Romans, Stainesfolk, lend me your ears. Welcome to Staines Ladies Hockey's performance of 'The Comedy of Errors'. Two hockey teams, both alike in dignity, in fair Faulkners where we set our scene. One side in blue, like the emotions to turn sour before the end of this game is played. One side in fear, the memories of last meetings hanging pungent o'er their heads. But to privilege this run of play with poetry or eloquence would be insensitive, impossible, downright ludicrous. T'were as if some hoard of blind elephants were attempting the art of the sport, the difference being the elephants might be forgiven for their valiant effort. Congratulations to Struds who beat off some sterling competition from Nikki Walsh (standing on the sideline ready to give a free hit, responds to the calling around her with 'Where's Sue', apparently not realising she was the only player standing in front of her. Blind elephants, as I was saying…) and Chrissy Lind (took some good advice from the men on the sideline to, in the final short corner of the day, dummy at the top of the D and score. Nobody said anything about actually hitting the ball…). Desperate defending saw Jo practically slide tackle at the top of the D landing nicely in front of the ball in a kind of hurdling position. Still, some scrappy goalmouth melees and some stringy passages of play, including the reduction down to 9 and a half players due to injuries, saw Staines score some goals. Thank goodness. Oh, and the weather was quite nice as I recall. 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day…'

Ruth Hine - 3 (on for about 10 minutes, crippled and still running circles in the attack)
Sarah Hamilton -1 (stolen from Kerry)
Sue - 1
Kerry - 1

Sunday - EH Trophy

Staines 1 Harrow 0

Radio Staines, I'm DJ McFly, bringing to you highlights from one of the year's biggest clashes between Harrow (SFX: Steps' 'Tragedy!') and Staines (SFX: The Plastic Population 'The Only Way Is Up'). It was a game that saw hockey written in music, even the neutral battleground of Ashford was alive with the sounds of 'Two Tribes' as the whistle finally went and the crowd erupted in joy. Harrow ambled about, perhaps in nervous terror at the thought of the Staines 'No Matter What' assault or perhaps was it a mild touch of complacency (Groove Armada 'Think Twice'), but it was too late to change anything (they already did it once) and so began the fight.

Staines' performance was a true picture of gruelling determination, Billy Ocean's 'When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Gets Going' the song of the moment as the entire team worked together to pile the pressure. 'Round round' the Harrow defence ran the Staines forwards, their hard work rewarded with short corner chances and despite the return of the granny-pushouts (I would like to point out that it's the SAME pitch I had problems with last time!) Ruth Hine's aerial lob landed neatly in the right hand back of the net halfway through the first period… 'Nothing Compares To You', Audrey dear.

The long awaited feeling threatened to distract the obviously excited Staines team, indeed, Sue O'Connell broke into a jig, Bowie's 'Lets Dance' bellowing at the top of lungs (the Karaoke night a success, I hear…), but she is quietened by the rebukes of her fellow midfielders; 'Don't Stop Movin' say the likes of Claire, Kerry and Nikki, wagging a finger (a finger, the rest was reaching exhaustion point), to which Sue humbly replies 'Ah yes, 'However Do You Want Me'. Brave, 'A Good Heart' some would say… But it was Ruth who's commitment on the pitch especially in the last 10 minutes proved, despite the pain in her legs continued to defend. Man of the Match, and deservedly so.

Yet, it was a team effort without doubt, Maggie still on top form with 'The Reflex', clearing the ball and denying Harrow any equaliser. The Staines defence made tackle after tackle (Captain Kate - Jonny would be proud ;). At times it was difficult to discern who was the goalkeeper, Struds having an fantastically solid game, even defending a flicked ball on the line as well as assuming in copycat (SFX: 'Karma Chameleon') fashion the log position in front of the goal. However, she could not save Mag's from Dick of the Day, Twinkletoes refusing to be outdone by Sue's dance routines, she demonstrates the log position whilst attempting to retrieve the ball. Oh yes, everyone saw… However, the 'Get Down' dance routine seemed to be learnt by all, the forward line many a time hitting the (dance) floor in similar fashion. Repetitively dangerous tackles saw Harrow reduced to ten in the dying moments of the game (Chrissy branding her blood soaked knees muttered to herself quietly 'If You Come Back…'). Credit to the opposition, they continued fighting, and had more short corners in the second half but Don't Look Back In Anger girls, it was Staines who held on for the win.

For Harrow, 'You're Not The One'?
The vocals of Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven is a Place On Earth'?
Run DMC's 'It's Like That'?
What music could possibly be fit for such champions? I leave this little competition open, call us here, this is DJ McFly awaiting your requests…

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

A strong Staines Ladies 3rd XI side went out at full throttle from the push back on Saturday, attacking the Ashford 25 with ferocity and strength. The sunset only added to the beauty of the game as the forward line, supported by the midfield, pushed up and got some fantastic shots on goal. Short corner shots by Kath, Claire M and Jeanette were defended well by Ashford, and although the whole attacking field was relentless, Staines did not score and entered half time at a frustrating 0-0 draw.

Spirits were a little dampened and Ashford had a strong start to the second half, with a few break aways to test the Staines defence. With a few changes to the field, Lauren Fear came on and showed her ever improving skills, in her first senior game for the club, to great effect. Partnering up with mum Ingrid on the left, the pair had a busy game holding back the Ashford captain and right forward.

With 10 minutes to go, the Staines side picked themselves up and from a 16 hit out, took the ball cleanly up the field to Claire then Jeanette and on to Kate, but even these 3 hard shots on goal were kept safe by the Ashford keeper. The frustration was justified as the game ended the same as at half time, at 0-0.

Everyone put out a winning performance, especially the mid field and this is reflected by the man of the match being shared by Claire M and Jeanette (4 votes each), with Kath getting a vote as well. Thanks to Ingrid for great teas as well!

Ladies 4th XI