Match Reports For Saturday 21st February Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines were looking to increase their points total to consolidate third place in the league and to try and put some pressure on the top two - Brighton and local rivals Ashford. This was the case with a battling victory against Gore Court.

Staines began the game with confidence looking to punish their visitors from Kent early on. The plan seemed to be working when Matt Truman deflected at goal from a Geraint Hughes pass but his deflection took the ball across the face of goal and wide of the far post. After a couple of other chances Gore Court got more into the game with a number of breaks which put the Staines defence under a bit of pressure. With half time approaching it looked like the sides would be going in level at the break until great pressure on the Gore Court midfield by Mark Hampton and Adam Hart led to Matt Truman finding space in the circle to bide his time and smash the ball past the 'keeper.

Into the second half and Staines were looking to increase their lead and improve their goal difference. However, Gore Court came out strongly and pushed Staines back into their own half for long periods, but they could not score. Midway through the half Staines' lead was increased when Mike Farmer crashed home a penalty corner with the help of a large deflection off a defender. At two up Staines were coasting and managed to further increase the lead, when from another penalty corner Matt Truman deflected home from Farmer's pass.The game then turned sharply in favour of Gore Court as Staines relaxed with the game won and Gore Court managed to knock in two goals to put pressure on the blues to hold on to all the points. There was even more of a scare for the blues as Gore Court managed to get the ball in the net for a third time with a terrific strike which was called to have been from outside the circle! So, the game finished in favour of the blues.

At 3-2 Staines were happy to have got all three points and hold off a spirited Gore Court comeback but, they were slightly disappointed with the level of their performance. This coming saturday Staines travel to Henley looking to continue their run of wins.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

Last weeks win brought some relief but still leaves the Third Battalion at least 4 points from safety. Hopes were positive that perhaps we good get something from this game against one of the stronger teams in this division. Danny Knowles was on loan, exchanged for Pathfinder Quinlan who had been due to do Chef duties today. However he did deliver the ingredients before nipping off to examine his maps and calibrate his compass.

Amazingly for the second week running Mr Safety won the ceremony of the toss. His wrists are getting much stronger. It was to be the only thing we would win today. The half started reasonably well inspite of playing with 10 men. This was due to Plumber Nelhams still being tucked up in his filthy pit with his Doris when his Captain called him 5 minutes before the due start time. He eventually turned up 10 minutes into the half with his shorts still sticking out like a tent, but thankfully minus the tea cosy head gear. Unfortunately Epsom were already 1-0 up due to a short corner. The rest of the half was promising with nippy Danny, Sohail and Tanker Lazlo working hard up front. The defence held firm now that the Plumber held the centre, although far too many short corners were being incurred. Epsom had a number of chances, several of which required Royston to again perform acrobatics to keep them from disturbing the cut of our lovely net. Tackle of the game was delivered by Bouncy Jim, wielding his stick like a double headed axe he thundered up behind his opponent, well I say opponent but what I mean is target, or actually what I really mean is victim. Jim swung a blow that would ordinarily fell an oxen but in this case took a chunk out of the Epsom stick the size of Berkshire and a leg was cleaved off and went sailing over the fence on to the neighbours patio. Clumsy Jim had to go round to ask for the leg back. Half time and with the score at 1-0 to Epsom there was genuine hope of progress.

Hope was soon dispelled and replaced with desperation as Epsom rattled in two quick goals and after a brief rally by Staines they added another as repeatedly the defence were overloaded by Epsom midfielders arriving from deep at the top of our D to take pot shots unchallenged. At 0-4 down we started playing our best hockey, Danny opened up their defence, evaded the keeper to allow Bouncy Jim to slot a simple finish at the post. Then Tanker Lazlo turned past his marker and fired from a tight angle to reduce the deficit to 2-4. Things are looking bright if somewhat late in developing. Raised hopes were again dashed like being smacked in the face with a wet cod, when Epsom counter attacked and put one into the roof of our net. Another flurry of effort and Danny went berserk collecting the ball just inside our half he went on a one man charge. Foaming at the mouth he streaked down the pitch trailing defenders in his wake. He entered their D and with a shrill cry of "AVE IT!", smashed the ball into the net. With the score at 3-5 Staines were running fast out of time. A rare short corner was won, if only we could convert this then anything might happen. First attempt resulted in a defender infringement and a further short. Unfortunately the whistle blew so scoring now would have been fruitless, that was game over.

Hero: two clear candidates - Roy and Danny. Danny gaining the honour.
Old woman: A few technical votes were cast, but a landslide went to Plumber Nelhams who was very late arriving. If Alpesh arrives before you - you know that you must be very late. Today Alpesh had arrived, warmed up, caught a Starling and was on his second catnap before Nelhams got here ! Meet time is 1245 next week you doppy twat

Now onto more important matters and the burning question of the week - What has Richard Hudson done to his barnet? It looks slightly gay and a bit bouffant, with an intriguing hint of artificial colour. Still no real damage done I suppose, at least nothing a heterosexual barber couldn't put right.

Mens 4th XI

OK, so last week our plans for league promotion, no doubt followed by world domination were somewhat dashed with our draw with the league leaders, but with spirits high we prepared to take on Eastcote, tapping once more into the rich vein of fine form we have unearthed this season. Well, when I say fine form, I mean form that is good enough for us to play well in one half of a game only. Rarely have I seen us command both halves of a game, it's not really a problem though as we usually have the grit and determination to keep things from slipping beyond sight, our results from 15 games where that we lost only 2 and drew 3 bearing witness to this. A week long search for our 11th man eventually paid off when John from the 5's awoke in the boot of Alex's car on and looking into the palm of his hand he saw the Blue Army 4th elevens' shilling that Alex has pressed into his hand the night before.

So now we have a full team. Hoo-rah! The game was due to start at 10.30 at Eastcote so this meant no lie-ins for anyone. Not a problem for me though as beautysleep is more of a priority for other team members you understand. Good Lord. Anyway, with much rubbing of eyes and bed-head hair, the game got underway and for the 1st 15 minutes or so both teams looked pretty even. Then a goal came, but it was an Eastcote forward that scored it with a run into our D that we just couldn't stop. One weak back flick that all I could do was slow down even further as it made it's way into the goal. Now, some lesser individuals may suggest that I was to blame for this goal going in. I prefer to blame society and all it's shortcomings for this goal. I'll tell you why, when I have had sufficient time to conduct a clever and watertight defence case. Needless to say my accusers will be the first up against the wall come the revolution.

And speaking of watertight defences (sort of), that is exactly what ours became, as this goal proved to be the kick into higher gear that we normally require and so away we went, applying the pressure up front as we went and erecting barricades, sniper positions and machine gun nests in our goal area. Staines were starting to command the game now when we marched into their D and from the ensuing mess and tangle of bodies and sticks, the Chubster managed to slot the ball into the bottom corner to start our retaliation. Things were about to change, and with a one-one score line at half time we decided to start playing properly.

A bit spawny there Jez, but a goal nevertheless. Now, any of you who has ever faced a Penalty stroke will know that to touch one as it goes in is bloody annoying, but for this sort of thing to happen can be just the sort of catalyst that could see you drop out of society all together and spend your remaining days living in a Turpentine and liquid Brasso induced haze underneath the little footbridge down the side of the old cinema. I know. It nearly happened to me once. So 2-1, which became 3-1 as a only-just-before-the-game practiced short corner routine was placed inch perfect into the bottom corner by Deano, and then again a little later, another practiced move saw The Chubster complete his hat-trick as he swept in another short corner in a very much Rowlyesque style. Staines played an excellent second half, with Colin looking every inch the Action Man replica that he is and Sidney Patel putting in an brilliant performance, which was only marred by a very amusing tumbling over backwards manoeuvre that caused the Notcutts sniper to fall out of his tree whist trying to pat himself on the back.

A top second half by all meant that we deserved the win. Life was good, Alex didn't kick the ball once in the second half and only 3 times in the first. Defence, midfield and the front line all put in a really good performance, that will push us ever nearer that second place spot. This was made all the better as Henley lost at the weekend and so we are one point behind with 5 games to play. Oooooh. Soooo exciting, I may have to have a lie down and a satsuma.

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI