Match Reports For Saturday 28th February Season 2003 - 2004
Mens 1st XI
Staines' run of good results came to an abrupt end on Saturday with a poor performance against relegation threatened Henley. Within two minutes the blues had gone one nil down with some poor marking leading to space for the Henley centre forward to easily beat Hallsworth in goal. This perked Staines up a little bit and an impressive end to end move finally found Mark Hampton at the top of the circle who crashed home for the equaliser. Staines then had the better of the rest of the half, creating a number of chances which were not converted. Their dominance in this period eventually led to James Chapman converting a penalty corner chance for the lead, which the Staines side deserved and held on to until half time.
Into the second half Staines were looking to increase their lead but a woefully inept display led to Henley gaining in confidence and taking their chances. Soon after half time Staines were pushed onto the back foot and gave the ball away for a simple chance for the Henley centre forward who again finished easily, then two penalty corners found their way past the lacklustre Staines defence for the 4-2 lead. Unusually Staines had no answer to the pressure they were put under and they will be looking for a great improvement this coming Saturday when they take on local rivals Ashford, who top the table, or the result could be embarrassing!!
Mens 2nd XI
Mens 3rd XI
Tucked away in a quiet corner of Surrey, close to the edge of suburbia lies the sleepy hamlet PW's H.C. As it is hidden amongst the woods and glades it took a bit of finding. Fortunately Mr Safety was on hand with the essential detailed navigational instructions so nobody got lost. We avoided the weasel shit and badger scrapings in the car park and got changed in the freezing cold changing rooms which were mostly full of fat blokes wearing rugby kit giving each other pre-match wedgies and spraying deep heat into each other jock straps. It was in fact a desperately cold day. So cold that when Tanker Lazlo dropped his trousers there was a loud clunk and two brass balls rolled across the floor. Even the water bottles froze up. With a sharp yelp, a Labrador dog had to be snapped free from a tree after it had inadvertently cocked a leg.
Normal service was resumed with Mr Safety reassuringly losing the toss. "You have only got 10 players then?" queried the most observant PW player. "Have we?" replied Phil "We only bring what we need". So the depleted Third Battalion of the Blue Army lined up in determined manner against the suddenly confident PW's. Most of the first half was spent playing in the blue half, but PW's did not have it all there own way as Staines still regularly managed to break-out and threaten the PW goal. Discipline, determination, doggedness, decisiveness and something else beginning with D was evident as the Blue bastions held firm, never giving ground nor quarter. We rode our luck giving away a few too many short corners but they were all defended well. Roy again made several key saves. Sponging Student demonstrated the art of how not to stop the ball on a rather bouncy pitch. At half time we held the score at 0-0.
Second half was yet more physical grind but PW's were increasingly getting frustrated with their lack of goals and in fact, to even get a shot on target. As time went on, Staines looked ever more assured at breaking up each PW attack and then launching a fast break in reposte. Racer Rodders, Bouncy Jim and Brendan worked tirelessly in midfield providing support to the defence and then driving forward to support the equally focused forwards of Tanker Lazlo and Sohail. Roy even started to get bored as the back line of Sponging Student, KK, Mr Safety and Chewy Patel gave him superb protection. Deep into the half PW's finally had a bit of luck. A shot/cross from wide on our left was almost blocked, but with all the pace taken off the shot the ball trickled invitingly towards another attacker who was just able to scramble it passed Roy and our ferociously pink looking ginger KK. ARSE! Undeterred the Blues battled on and PW's were increasingly looking rattled as our counter attacks increased in frequency and danger - and they were unable to capitalise to put the game beyond doubt. With only 8 minutes left some fine work by Alpo initiated another attack, whereupon Bouncy Jim and Tanker Lazlo conspired to force the ball through the PW's D towards the back stick. Guess who popped up to knock in the equaliser? All afternoon Alpo resisted the temptation to curl up on a nearby warm car bonnet he worked the length of the pitch to score the equaliser. Staines saw out the rest of the half comfortably as PW's now had a severe headache from banging their heads against our brick wall. A 1-1 draw was a good result, Staines rightly being proud of a solid rearguard action, whist PW's were as sick as parrots. So back to their Clubhouse for a dribbly shower in their icy meat locker, avoiding the fat blokes carrying large bars of soap; followed by a very welcome sausage, mash and beans in the bar.
Hero; Brendan, Roy and Rodders all received recognition, but the clear man of the moment was Alpo with an inspired all round effort. Smelling slightly of moth balls, stale cabbage and piss: A most difficult decision this week as every single team member rose to the occasion and put in total commitment. However one person did not go unnoticed for his 'couldn't stop a pig in a passage' technique in the first 10 minutes. Sponging Student Lees-Low got to see if he looks good in pink.
Mens 4th XI
Snow? It started to snow as I trudged over to the pitch, only a little bit,
but still worthy of a few moments of concern. What happens if it really snows?
Surely the ball will get bigger and bigger till it wont fit in the goal anymore.
Early goals. That's what we will do. Score as many goals as we can before the
ball gets too big. Right Ho.
The snow stopped. Ah....erm, well let's try our best anyway.
This week, Sid was unavailable due to Paternal duties (Nice work bloke, a baby
boy) so we nabbed Dan from the 3's who had, fortunately for us, just got back
from the US of A. This still only gave us 10 players though, so who else could
we take? All other teams were short as well, the 3's only having 10 and the
5's needed as much help as possible in their promotion attempt. We searched
high and low for barrels that we duly scraped the bottom of and still nothing
that looked like it could hold a hockey stick for 70 minutes. Meanwhile, lurking
in deepest Englefield Green at the bottom of a swamp, lay the rustiest barrel
you could possibly imagine, perhaps the very last barrel on the Earth*. A phone
call later and it was scraped. The scrapings resembled a hockey player of a
decade gone by, a hockey player who had hung up his stick 3 years ago and now
only uses it to chase cats that crap on his lawn. A hockey player, who's barnet,
whilst incomplete, still springs to attention on command. Yes, we had coaxed
Tufty Taverner out of retirement to play a full game for us.
*Rumour has it of another barrel that hides itself away in darkest Cookham,
but it's a most unwilling barrel that's more rust holes than barrel these days.
Oh, and it's quite, quite mad.
So with a full team and high hopes, we got stuck into Leighton Buzzard. After
something like 42 seconds, Rich picked out the Tart with a great pass, who worked
his magic of old whilst moving from right to left across the top of the L.B.
goal, reverse sticked the ball in a perfect lob over the oncoming goalkeeper,
just in the net under the crossbar. All this whilst still being tightly marked
by a defender who thought he had the measure of our very own ape creature.
At this moment, Sidney appeared, having completed his third and last attempt
at tunnelling out of the house to escape the smell of his new borns dirty nappy
collection. He would have been there for the pre match warm up, but tunnel number
one was foolishly dug in the floor of his first floor bedroom. Tunnel number
two ended up in Mr Fosters bathroom and had to be abandoned, but the third one
was spot on, going all the way to the side of the pitch! In his haste though,
he turned up in his escape uniform, so he couldn't play, but was content just
to watch (and shout at people) instead. I mention this, because in his honour,
we decided to play without a sweeper, this lasted about 15 minutes as the confusion
generated was good for my blood pressure, so Dean took on the role, then Colin,
then Dean, then whoever else wanted to really (including some of the Leighton
Buzzard forward line). It was a bloody good job that we looked exceptionally
strong going forward for the first half at least.
Goal number two was the result of Deans dizzy run into their D that saw the
L.B. defence lining up to chop away at Deans stick, David Howell was perfectly
placed to play the advantage on, which gave our defensive stalwart the opportunity
to slip the ball to the awaiting Tart, who scooped the ball over the Goalies
kicker and into the gaping net. 2-0 and we are not done just yet. The other
Rengger scored our next one. Tart took the ball off of Gloria at the half way
point, who gaily carried on his run into the oppo's 25, when Martin decided
he didn't want the ball anymore and so, slotted it back to Mr Rengger Jnr, who
surged past a defender and smacked the ball into the bottom corner of the goal
from a fairly tight angle. In all, a nicely worked bit of hockey. Bravo.
Of course it was all too good to be true, 3 good goals from us and a bit of
pressure from The Buzzards and we started to crumble, Chubby Jezza could only
run in one direction and was making a mockery of what can be described in the
dictionary as "marking", this assisted by a general level of panic
that was rising at the back and in the middle, meant that, whilst really excellent
tackles and superb runs were being made by our heroes in Blue, we couldn't find
the composure to keep any sort of possession. We get the ball, then we give
it straight back to the opposition. Not what we need really. To be fair, L.B.
did a very smart job of closing us down and as such caused the panic to result
in a goal that saw two unmarked forwards on the back post to easily scoop the
ball into our open goal.
We hadn't all gone to pieces by this stage though, we could still attack and
so off we went, the Tart converting a re-bounded Deano short corner into a goal
for us, and the 3rd in his hat-trick. 5 minutes later and half time was declared.
We spent the break time well, by all slapping Sid on the back and shaking his
hand.
With the re-start things really went downhill for Staines managing to leak another
two goals in to make it 4-3. Looking from the back I saw such shocking scenes
of ball-kicking, lax marking and poor concentration that it almost had me reaching
for Alex's napalm-filled hip-flask. Around 50% of the team simply ran out of
steam and the rest were getting drawn towards the ball like dirty great moths
to a flame. Tufty took a tumble and looking down, noticed his astro's had been
worn down to slicks to the point was that he may as well have been wearing Roller
boots and legwarmers. Still we tried, the Tart switched with Dan so he could
help out in mid-field and at the back, Jezza foolishly traded his stick for
a mop, Alex's feet had ceased to be the problem, his stick now causing us grief,
Dean and Colin were playing tag for the sweeper position, I was shouting at
people and generally letting hockey balls flash past the face of the open goal,
Gloria and Mr Toad were putting in the effort, but to no avail and it seemed
that everyone had snubbed our Highlighted hamster who only touched the ball
twice in the second half. It was awful and just before Leighton Buzzard could
punish us for 2 or even 3 points, the full time whistle was blown and everybody
shuffled back to the clubhouse for some of Simon's Veggie Chilli.
3 points, perhaps deserved in the 1st half, but for our second half sins, we
should have all been lined up against the back fence and pistol whipped by the
Notcutts sniper.
Dick of the day: Many varied votes this time, but Alex emerged a little more
useless than the rest of us.
Man of the Match: Head and shoulders above the rest, the Tart, his 3 goals and
all round hard work claimed the prize. He even got a jug in for his hatrick.
Something I have not seen since 1995. Crivens!
Next week, the short hop down the A-30 where we will no doubt bump into each
other and fall over in front of Ashford. To their glee. (Possibly)
Mens 5th XI
Mens 6th XI
Mens Centurions
Ladies 1st XI
Saturday
The dawn was just breaking in the land of Faulkners as the happy hockey players
of Staines rose up from their lumber. The smell of fresh dew left over from
the chilly night before kissed the grass with a frosting of white. If one were
to
listen carefully, the pitter patter of lucky leprachauns that hide amongst the
greenery (indeed, the kitchen mould has its uses) were nearly audible...or could
it be the twinkletoes of a graceful goalkeeper?
But let us now eavesdrop into the heart of the heaving pub itself, for indeed it is occupied at all hours of the day, be it the drinkers, the hockey players, the groundsman having a nice nap... So much the popularity of the drinking well, Staines have employed their own traffic warden, recognisable in his official bright yellow attire.
'Weeel bless me cutton sohcks' exclaimed Captain Kate, 'tis shure we aves an
'ard muirnin' (NB irish accent authenticity was well researched at 'So You Wanna
Speak With An Irish Accent?' at: http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/irishaccent/irishaccent.html).
The other hockey players agreed heartily, as they donned their kilts and pulled
up their 'sohcks'. For each knew that their lucky clovers had done them well
for the season, but the men were beginning to suffer: The curses had begun to
take effect and so many were falling injured. Dear Claire rubbed her legs with
camomile oil, l'il Chrissy offered soft prayers for her ankle, Struds bottom
also recieved some blessings, and Ruth...well Ruth says its a curse but the
others knew deep down Awdrey was getting old.
'Howareya!' Boomed a deep voice and the players shrunk back in fear. The Irish
had their nasties, and 'ere was one. The elders held the young 'uns, Ruth's
wise words of comfort whispering softly 'They call him Shay'. Seamus. The ogre
demanded victory, and he did not mince his words: 'Eef ya dun scure one een
faive shut curnars, yar be duin phitness thees afternuin!'. Menacingly he shoved
them forward into the cold, some shivered for want of more clothes, others shivered
at the thought of the fitness training. The curse claimed its victim before
the game had even begun, dear
Claire retreating to the sidelines to nurse her poor calf. It was then Kate
knew that the luck o' the Irish was indeed needed. Fear not! For Anna (the poor
lass being yet another victim of the injury cursings) had brought a lucky charm:
a little teddy bear with 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish' inprinted in bold lettering. It
was just the kind of motivational stimulus Staines were in need of.
The whistle blown, the fight was tough, the scoreboard silent for what seemed
liked ages. Twinkletoes was quick on her feet to deflect the sterling attempts
by the opposition, including a powerful volley at close range and many a sweep
from around her feet. Finally, the gridlock was breached, a peachy dummy from
Chrissy eliminated two of the
defenders to smack home the first goal. 'One mure and I'yll take ye off, lass!'
cries Shay. Such lies and deciet. Twere not till dear Ruth and Kerry's short
corner specialties, and man of the match Sarah Chandler had drilled home
3 more that the promise were fulfilled. Clever little passes, magical teamwork,
the game began to look like a fairytale.
Jo 'Imp amongst the' Ives scored the last, completing the 5 and to which their
were much rejoicing and being merry...but wait...There had been 13 short corners,
only 2 had been scored from...the ladies quaked in their shoes.
'Only five!' exclaimed the girls, for it was 6 they need to score from each
game to reach the 100 tally. Aye, the bad luck, the cursings were returning,
the women suspiciously eyed one another for whom was next to be victim. Twas
Poor Claire! As the hotly contested dick of the day votes saw her tied with
Mags, she thought her luck could not
run out. Just as the milk exploded in her lap. Bless ya, dear.
Sunday
Staines faced local rivals Ashford in the Middlesex Cup Semi-final on Sunday. A superb team performance from Staines resulted in them overwhelming the opposition and winning 8-0, player of the match Kerry Maskery getting a hat-trick. Staines now face Harrow in the final on 28th March to be played at Staines' home ground.
Ladies 2nd XI
After defeat in our December league game against Teddington, Staines were determined
to show them they had a lucky win. Staines started brilliantly when within a
few minutes Oli Flint fired a ball into the D from just outside the Teddington
25 for Juliet Porter to get a touch on to back it 1 - 0. The first half saw
Staines dominate the game and put into practise all the training that John Stannard
has been working with the team on. This saw a number of chances, but the Teddington
keeper managed to save them. However, a ball from Eryl Penney out of defence
to Juliet started a great team effort goal. Juliet passed to Lizzy Hamilton,
who slipped the ball to Kate O'Kane to rocket home and make the score 2 - 0
to Staines. In the second half, Teddington started to press Staines and put
a lot of pressure on the defence, but Pauline Williams, Yvonne Gayle and Eryl
Penney made sure Staines kept a clean sheet. Next week, the Ladies 2's take
on Harrow in the league and will be looking to keep up their winning ways.
Ladies 3rd XI
The warm up before the game helped us go from 'absolutely frozen' to just 'too cold'. In a re-run of last week, the opposition only had nine players. Unfortunately they didn't manage to provide an umpire either so Alex (thank you) agreed to do the whole game by herself.
It was clear from the beginning that Staines had an advantage due to having more players, although in one on one situations we appeared the stronger side, with some good passing moves from the back, through mid-field, to the forwards. We were rewarded early on with our first goal, then a second, third and fourth in the first half.
Unlike last week, the opposition failed to have any players suddenly turn up at half time - and as it was snowing, who can blame them? (Though the weather didn't deter our supporters!)
Play was not as fluent in the second half, with the team finding it strange not to have enough people to mark. A break by BA resulted in their first goal, and later a good strike gave them their second. Staines had a number of opportunities in the second half which could have sent our goal count into double figures, but we failed to convert all of them, scoring another three in this half. Final score was seven-two thanks to goals from Julie P (3), Tracey (2), Kath (1) and Wendy (1).
Congratulations to Jeanette for keeping her temper with the umpire this week- we'll assume last week was a one off! J
Man of the match was a close call again, with Tracey just beating Linda on
votes.
Ladies 4th XI