Match Reports For Saturday 6th March Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines knew they were going to be in for a tough afternoon, with the visitors being local rivals and league leaders Ashford, and they were not disappointed!

The game started with Staines immediately being put on the back foot by some aggressive attacking by Ashford but the defence held firm to the initial onslaught. Some outstanding saves by Neil Hallsworth in the Staines goal kept Ashford at bay and as the game wore on Staines began to cope better with the lively Ashford team. Although the Staines defending improved throughout the half, the attack still foundered on a strong Ashford defence despite some great running down the right by Neil Toulson, who a number of times slipped his way around and through the Ashford defenders. With about five minutes to go before the half time whistle Staines eventually succumbed to the pressure and let in a goal after a swift break by the Ashford forwards. This was disappointing for the home side as they had defended better as the half had worn on.

Into the second half and Staines needed to show a bit more flair in their attacks to break down the Ashford defence and looked to do this from the off. Unfortunately, it was Ashford who increased their lead with a sharply taken penalty corner for 2-0. This spurred Staines onto greater efforts and midway through the half a quickly taken free hit by John Stannard found Geraint Hughes down the left who whipped the ball into the circle behind the Ashford defence for Neil Toulson to deflect it past the 'keeper. At 2-1 Staines were back in the game.

Soon though Ashford regained their two goal advantage when a penalty corner broke down and it was the Ashford forwards who reacted quickest to slam the ball home for 3-1. Staines themselves won a few penalty corners but could not make them count, and with Toulson being temporarily suspended, for breaking the play down, they let in another goal. This time a defensive error let Ashford in to the circle to finish well and make the score 4-1 and effectively seal all three points.

Staines were not too disappointed with their performance against the league leaders and will be looking to get back to winning ways next week when they travel into London to play bottom of the table Wayfarer's.

Mens 2nd XI

With games running out left to play things were starting to look tight as we nervously looked at the league table. Some serious stats were being prepared by Sniffer Watson, what with Mr Horan leaving us for the drinking pleasures of Guinness in Ireland. Saturday was a must win game.

A local bloodbath derby game, away at Ashf*rd. Stu Hall was added to the squad coming back from his hand injury. The mind boggles as to what he did to injure it but he duly turned out for the PTOTY, minus of course his shinpads. Big Harv was in goal wearing his massive chest guard with blue pride. Douglas was sweeper, Clive right back, Ram-it euro boy Jerry was centre back, leaving Scouse as the speedy left back. Sniffer promoted himself to right midfield next to Dr Hine in the middle and Liam Greene was left half while up front Pathfinder Quinlan was carving up tracks, with his afterburners on full, accompanied with J D and the ever-balding monk, Barry.

Etiquette is everything when you play for pride. Douglas started the game tremendously and kept his behaviour in control, which made his game that much more effective. Ashf*rd threw everything at Staines for the first twenty minutes playing as fast and hard as possible. Staines mopped up everything with a resolutely stout defensive action. Sniffer Watson totalled one of their players who went for an eight-foot cartwheel. Douglas pitched himself ten yards higher up the pitch and stopped everything coming his way. Staines screamed the ball up the lines for Barry and Mik to chase and demonstrate their impressive 0 to 60 times leaving the Ashf*rd defence choking on their fumes. Tanker Dodwell held up the ball up for the pacy racing snakes up front to latch on to. Ashf*rd continued to press but began to tire as Staines' athleticism began to show through. Stuey Hall made some effective substitutions and soon we were able to control the game our way. Short Corners were defended so to attacking ones but the game stayed deadlocked towards the final minutes. Staines were rampant and threw everything at Ashf*rd as they tried to counter attack. Stuey Hall decided to copy Mik doing some twisty turny stuff. The defence shoring up any of the opposition's attacks and booting the ball back up the field. Dougie and Sponging Student charged a few players and managed between the pair of them to accidentally head butt the same guy who Robbie had previously felled in the first half. Mik was denied a penalty flick and we couldn't make our short corners stick. Until with a minute to go Liam Greene popped up and lashed one away. Not the most stunning goal he has ever scored but probably one of the most important. It was just a case of hanging on for the final minute to claim a mighty victory. Big Harv can now wash his smelly kit shirt as the defence proudly kept a clean sheet.

Fines. Someone clever suggested fines be held at 7 o clock so we missed a few of the horse races. Not quite sure where masturbating Larry came in his race but Burkie's filly won me some money.It came good in the final furlong for me and took it on the line as opposed to Scouse Forrester who took it in the face for cash. Never has Stella tasted quite so good.

Once again votes had to rhyme taxing quite a few of the team. This didn't seem to faze Dougie but had Stuey Hall in twists and turns trying to concoct his votes. A few players legged it early and missed the votes from their fellow PTOTY players. Suffice to say that Douglas took man of the match with four votes but dick of the day with a clear landslide win was Big Harv. His acrobatic efforts to clear the ball as it was going off the baseline did himself no justice as he completed an acrobatic belly flop and landed flat on his stomach. In his absence the drink off was performed by Stuey Hall looking lost without Struds being sat next to him. Dougie was pleased as he beat Stuey by a clear second in the drink off. Lord Hall refused to wear the DOTD outfit but the fines master intervened and dictated that he wear the croupier blue bow tie and green wellies. All rather fetching and he seemed to fit the image of a country gent complete with his Barbour, pint of ale, Labrador and Volvo in the car park. Stuey demonstrated his beakyness by taking on the fines master but refused to appeal despite the constant urgings from the fellow PTOTY players to do so. Never has a fines session been so tactical and it beats any strategy that a dodgy Russian chess master could come up with. Douglas was well and truly plastered but that didn't stop him trying to pull the young lady with huge breasts in the Guinness rugby top later on that night. Harv the DOTD outfit awaits you next week. Don't forget to bring the new item for it. Staines have moved up a place in the league and next week we face Oxford Hawks at home. All support is welcome.

Mens 3rd XI

With the 2nd Battalion having more forwards than they could shake a stick at, Robbie was able to loan out Kitt and Leeroy. With Alpesh away, and Murphy and Lurch both injured, filling the sweeper role was going to be a problem. Step forward Phil 'Does my Arse Look Big in Lycra' Lazlo who would take on that responsibility. Watching the warm up act (1st Battalion vs Ashford) it was noted that the Notcutts Sniper was on good form dropping at least two players in red and sending our own 'Sticky' arse over tit at one point. A further Ashford player went down squealing like a stuck pig but that was due to Stannard farting close by and not the sniper.

Mr Safety actually won the toss but gave it all away to make it look like we had lost it - we are used to it now.
High points of the 1st Half:
Only conceding two goals.
Leeroy going on a 'berserkers' run and scoring.
Low points of the 1st Half:
Bouncy Jim and Kingsley staring lovingly into each other eyes whilst the ball rolled between them to be picked up by an MK attacker.
Tanker Lazlo shouting at Roy, making his lip tremble, then bellowing like a bull Hippo at nobody in particular and getting a green warning.
Plumber Nelhams inability to strike the ball cleanly.

High points of Half #2
A couple of short corner near misses by Mr Safety and Bouncy Jim.
Rodders wiping out a MK's attacker.
Kitt kept going like the Duracell Bunny.
Low points of Half #2
They scored two more goals.
We didn't.
Phil and Andy taking turns to plumb free hits to MK players.
Bouncy Jim attempting to run through defenders rather than go around.
Roy chucking his teddy out of his pram.

Final score a 4-1 defeat.

Hero: Kitt and Leeroy each received 4 votes, but Kitt was awarded on the recount as despite a poor team performance he never looked like giving up.
Olde Woman: Spoiled for choice really but in the end it came down to whom ever received a card. That edged it for Phil.

Mention in Despatches: Excellent catering this week with a varied menu of tasty snacks and a nice pot of well brewed tea - well done Tanker Lazlo.

News-worthy Mention.
Race Night proved another success. The horse auction in the last race boosted the kitty through the intervention of a mystery phone bidder. Gizz Jizzard thought he had secured the services of horse number 8, only to be repeatedly out bid by the determined and clearly loopy phone bidder. The winning bid being £180 to the phone. The race winner turned out to be #8 ! - so a good days gambling by our mystery punter. The tri-cast was won by Kitty Hine who can now afford to take Stannard out for another gut wrenching curry.

Mens 4th XI

Well, well, well what have we here? It's local derby time. Staines versus Ashford, Blue versus Red, Good versus Evil. I remember a while back that these derbies were always an ill-tempered, elbow-in-the-face sort of affair, but these days, there's peace in the valley. Everybody seems to know every one else and just gets on with it.

Of course, all of this is swept aside if we are losing......

As far as team changes were concerned, this week we pinched Dave from the 5's and retained Dan from the 3's. Hudson was unavailable having been detained in a maximum security hair correction facility. Sidney has returned as sweeper after having "done his bit" of looking after his baby boy, proving what every man knows that once they are a week old, baby's can pretty much take care of themselves. Oh, and I bet childbirth isn't as painful as they make out as well.......

The long journey to Ashford saw us all arrive in dribs and drabs, but we did get to shout and laugh at our illustrious 2nd Eleven who scraped a 1-0 win. "I'm sure we can do better than that" was the general feeling as we started to get warmed up. Warming up consisted of a few gentle blow-offs, some chuckling at the aforementioned faecal squeaks and Alex telling us all about his hangover, which upon closer inspection turned out to be the King Kong's mother of all hangovers.

From the first whistle to the last, the game shaped up to be a really good performance, both teams really getting stuck into each other. Whilst Ashford had few chances from open play, they did earn a large amount of short corners, all of which were dealt with quite easily by Staines' very solid defence and heroic goalkeeper alike. Staines had a few chances at the front and we tried a new formation this week, having only two bods roaming about in the Ashford half, the Tart being one of them. Unfortunately, he twisted his knee after about 10 minutes (which earned him a Sunday trip to A & E to get it fixed)* and so his performance was down on last weeks, even though he gallantly hobbled on and saw the game out. Bless. Anyway, Tarts partner in crime up front was Dan, who managed to break free on quite a few occasions although he couldn't quite get on the scoresheet.

Midfield this week was brimming with people and they did a very good job probing the enemies goal with Simon and Jezza both coming close, making the young keeper earn his dinner. Midfield also put in a fine show of stemming the Ashford advance as they tried to surge through. Chubby Jezza must have been studying a dictionary of late as his marking was a vast improvement over last weeks effort and Gloria linked up well with Dean and Dave as he hurtled up and down the right (and sometimes the left) hand side of the pitch. I did notice Jezza fall over at one stage, but couldn't work out if the noise that emerged was him, or an irate group of seagulls who were demonstrating over the proposed 2nd Ashford Astro pitch. I have a theory on Jezza that he is actually part man, part accordion, and if you hit him in the right places with Glockenspiel beaters, you could get a semi decent tune out of him. But I digress, Staines' persistency finally paid off just before half time when Dean fired a cannonball into the D that found Jez, lurking on the back post, who swept the ball high into the net off of the keeper's noggin.

Half time and the score line was 1-0, so we decided that as we were playing quite well, we would wisely keep things as they were. We did however draw yet another map of the Ashford Goal area and gave it to the Tart.

The second half saw pressure from both teams, Ashford being the supplier of most of this as they closed us down very well resulting in several Blue long balls to no-one or off the sideline. Up front, Jezza had a couple of chances, Dan tried to score using his will alone, then remembered he had a hockey stick in his hands, which makes quite a good goal scoring tool if used the right way up. The Tart found the side netting after doing all the hard work and Ashford's goalkeeper made some vital saves to keep them in the game. We played well though, proudly displaying our clean sheet for all to see and it looked like we could scrape the win. So hold on, let's get this straight. Staines were playing well in both halves of the game? Not just one half then? Wait a minute now, aren't we the team that either falls apart in the first half, then comes back in the second, or romps away in the first part of the game, then curls up and sleeps in the latter stages? Us? Yes us? Ah, wait, yes, here is comes.... the last 10 minutes, OK, we can do that, and we did. The last 10 minutes, we almost lost our composure as our back line was stretched as tired individuals struggled to get back and help out. Marking levels dropped and we gave away some needless short corners (and some shorts that didn't look like short corners to me) but we held on. Colin, Dave, Sid and Alex cleared our lines very well and with my good self flapping about on the floor for added comedy value, we held fast to secure the win. An added bonus was that Henley lost at the weekend, so we leapfrog them into the second spot!

MOM: Was a 3 way affair between Me, Colin and Dave, the winner being Dave for a very solid (soiled) performance.

DOD: Who could it be? In all, it was a very good performance, but for not getting on the scoresheet, the Tart, gets the hat and bow tie for the weekend.

Next week, Hudson's private secretary, Gnasher is back from his travels to see us take on South Bucks in a 2.30 push at home. South Bucks are 3 points behind us in the league and this week they squealed to the H.A. because Tring's goalie had played twice, or had an untidy kitbag or something. So chaps, you know what to expect, read the rules and no cheating, 'coz the Tring Big Brother is watching you!

* A & E? Poof! In my day you only went to hospital to burgle the pharmacy.

Mens 5th XI

After the confusion of, a sham of a mockery and a mockery of sham, at Croydon last week, Staines looked to put their league ambitions on course, with 11 dropped points Staines could not afford any slips.

Both Guildford and Staines fielded strong teams, as Road Runners barmy army prepared to go out with all guns blazing and Michael Cane put on the yellow jersey to referee.

However the most Significant appearance was the that of, Flash going places Luwellen, who decided an appearance was needed for 2004. Flash back from gathering asylum seekers, cheap labour and love joy from around the world, had to be re-introduced into the team as every one had forgotten who he was.

The game go off to an electric start, as Staines pressed Guildford back to their own ‘D’. Gordie the Gopher, Hobo, Kill Bill, Diamond Geezer and Road Runner all fired shots around the ‘D’ and defensive flank’s of Major Charles Ingrum and Penny Racer, Raced forward in Support, as Staines mounted a wave of pressure. Major Charles Ingrum showed his presence by literally pushing Guildford in to their own ‘D’, but Michael Cane was quick to say “your supposed to play the bloody ball”.

Guildford managed to survive and cleared. Hobo did try to stop the clearance illegally with the wrong side of the stick, but Michael Cane was having none of it and sent Hobo packing for his first yellow card. Road Runner shouted ‘No’, but Hobo was side lined for 5 minutes.

Staines remained focused and kept the pressure on Guildford, Hobo then re-appeared to assisting in the onslaught. Eventually Staines broke through the deadlock with a strike form Gordie the Gopher for 1-0.

Staines kept up the pressure and the defence was positioned high up the pitch, as Brave Heart, Flash, Major Charles Ingrum and Penny Racer controlled the back line and kept Guildford quiet. Staines lead was then increased again to 2-0 as Gordie the Gopher was on target again. Kill Bill then started to play with style and mite of added two more before half time.

Half time came and Staines still had a 2-0 cushion. Gordie the Gopher then brained washed the team with the thought, (we are not going to loose this).

The second half came and Staines got off to a flying start and mounted more pressure on Guildford. Guildford looked at six and sevens, and Kill Bill capitalised to bang in a shot to make it 3-0 to Staines. Staines were on top and slicing through the defence, Samurai and Kill Bill went close just missing by inches. Gordie the Gopher went close on several occasions and tried to set up chances for Muttley, Samurai, Kill Bill, Road Runner and Hobo who all went close.

But close was not enough and Guildford grew in strength as they weathered the Staines Storm. The Staines defence had got sucked back deep and now Staines were making there own problems. The defence went to sleep and Guildford scored to make 3-1. Then the Staines Disarray disease crept in, as they quickly conceded a second for 3-2.

Guildford tails were up and Staines were on the back foot getting sucked in to their own ‘D’, suddenly Guildford were winning shots and hits in Staines half. The midfield looked weary and Staines resorted to last ditch tackles.

Road Runner got his cell phone out to try and get the result in before the game was complete, but the Staines defence crumbled and Guildford got the equaliser 5 minutes just before time. The Staines attack did a last ditch effort to try and
force a goal, but it was not to be and honours finished even for a 3-3 draw.

The Staines heads dropped as the final whistle was blown and Guildford smiled with the joy of relief, as they had avoided defeat at Staines.

To Summarise every one on both teams played well and the game was a Titanic battle and the result was the opposite of what Staines did at Guildford. Though this was another dumb deal for Staines, as Staines suffered another loss of points, there maybe a case for converting more chances. However once again Staines defensive frailties were exposed once again, as a win was clawed away from them.

Staines have now dropped 13 points this season and need to seal up the defence to avoid dropping any more. In the words of Blackadder perhaps Staines need (Heavy machine guns for full-backs).

Final Score Staines 3 Guildford 3
Scorers Gordie the Gopher, Kill Bill

Man of Match TBA

Dick of Day TBA

Mens 6th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Dedicated to Staines Ladies 1st XI and of course the Ireland Rugby Team....sing-a-long to the tune of 'The Fields of Athenry'

My lonely goal post
I heard a young girl calling
Ruth, please put that shot away
Ignore your left foot's corn
So the young might see the morn
Now the league lies waiting in the bay

Low lie the Fields of Mill Hill
Where once we watched the Staines girls fly
Our hockey was on the wings
We had dreams and leagues to win
It's so lonely round the fields of Mill Hill

My lonely goal post
I heard Jo Ive calling
Nothing matters Kerry when you're free
Against the defence and the crown
She rebels and they try to cut her down
Now she must raise our hopes with dignity

Low lie the Fields of Mill Hill
Where once we watched the Staines girls fly
Our hockey was on the wings
We had dreams and leagues to win
It's so lonely round the fields of Mill Hill

My lonely goal post
I watched the last goal falling
As the Staines ship set sail against the sky
For Capt. Kate lived in hope and pray
For her love in Brian O'Driscoll
It's so lonely round the fields of Mill Hill

Low lie the Fields of Mill Hill
Where once we watched the Staines girls fly
Our hockey was on the wings
We had dreams and leagues to win
It's so lonely round the fields of Mill Hill

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

We started our first league match in weeks in some confusion as we were missing our heroic and brave captain who was off partying in New York (Helen stood in as Captain and did a fine job), our forward Tanya and our solid-as-a-rock goalie Karen. Heather stepped into the breach as goalie and with her hand on her hip and a cool head saved a few good shots!! NPL are at the bottom of our league so it was disappointing not to win – but they had a few strong and experienced players.

We started off the game very raggedly – we played at their level and were messy, gave the ball away far too easily by not looking before we passed and there was a distinct lack of communication on the pitch. Despite this Kerry scored the first goal with great skill and our spirits were lifted. Helen had a great game, driving up the right wing – she was unstoppable and received several man-of-the-match votes in recognition. Holly played centre-mid and also had a great game – twisting and turning past the defenders – well done for winning Man-of-the-Match. NPL then came back with a blistering shot from the top of the D from their short-corner which flew between the feet of several defenders to hit the back-board with a resounding clunk. No matter, we thought, we can still win this. Only for them to do exactly the same thing again and score again – our defence were hanging their heads in shame.

In the last 10 minutes we were like a team possessed – if we had played like that for the whole game we would have won!! We were helped along by some great support and cheering by the team due on the astro after us (men’s 3’s ??) So off we went again – we bought Ellie back on to help drive up the right wing with Helen. She was wrongly denied a goal when the defence threw their stick to stop her scoring !?! (no penalty awarded!!!). But she came back and scored a stunning shot to bring us level. With only 2 minutes left the whole of the defence pushed forwards - leaving poor Penny to hold the fort - to see if we could score one last goal to take us into the lead. Alas – it was not to be and we ended the game on 2 All.

Man of the Match – Holly – brilliant play – very strong down the middle.

Tit-of-the Day – Emma (for having her own personal coach (Ben!!) – however, also got a few votes for making people do Tit of the Day when they don’t want to)