Match Reports For Saturday 20th March Season 2003 - 2004

Mens 1st XI

Staines were determind to secure third place in the league and have managed this with a comprehensive win against mid table Maidenhead.

Staines started brightly with some good attacking moves down the flanks putting the Maidenhead defence under pressure for the first fifteen minutes of the game. Some great passing and movement by James Chapman and Geraint Hughes created space in the visitors circle for the Staines forwards and they capitalised on this winning a number of penalty corners. Midway through the half Staines got the first goal when John Stannard smashed in a penalty corner strike. This was soon followed by a strike by James Chapman which crashed against the post and was cleared by a defender with a number of Staines forwards pressuring. As the half wore on Maidenhead managed a few forays into the Staines half but these were dealt with by Stannard, Jerry Gardien and Gary Kemish. Staines continued to attack but could not manage to find the back of the net for the rest of the half.

The second half started with Maidenhead pushing forward a bit more than they did in the first half. This put the Staines defence under a bit of pressure but this was soon released by the running of Adam Hart down the right and the long balls played out of defence by Stannard. This led to both Danny Knowles and Mik Quinlan holding the ball up well and finding the onrushing midfielders. From one of these moves Staines' skipper Stuart Hall received the ball and fired it into the circle for Tim Griggs to deflect into the net for two nil. With Staines on top and dominating all aspects of the play it was not long before Griggs got his second and Staines' third. A good ball out of defence by Hughes was picked up by Griggs and he drove into the circle before crashing a shot across the keeper and into the bottom corner. At three nil Staines thought the game was over. But it wasn't long before Maidenhead snatched a goal from a penalty corner, with the striker wrong footing Hallsworth in the Staines goal. This goal stirred Staines again and some great dribbling by Neil Toulson paved the way for another run of penalty corners and Chapman despatched the last of these in his usual style for 4-1.

Coach Sibia was pleased with the way his side had performed, especially with the pace of the game in the opening minutes which put Maidenhead on the back foot. Staines will be looking to take this form into their last league game away on the south coast against second placed Brighton.

Mens 2nd XI

Staines' 2nd XI last away trip of the season to league leaders Chichester. A must win game so we all arrived duly early. Clive was sporting a nice shiner after an accident on Thursday night. This week Scouse had a stolen a new car, a Jaguar S type. Liam and Clive hitched a lift with him but they got lost and veered towards Southampton. The smoke must have been very thick in that car that day. Chris Hine, Sponging student, Barry and Douglas hitched a lift in Ben’s A4. Thanks to flossie, Ben’s sat nav system, we arrived in good time passing through Nut cum lane, spread eagle hotel and the village of Cocking. I was just waiting for Royston Vasey to be next or Little Britain come to think of that.

It was a cold and windy day with the occasional torrential downpour included. Twice I have been to Chichester this season and twice I haven’t been offered any teas. Maybe Tesco hasn’t reached that far south, Harv could show them how you buy meat pies on a Saturday morning, never mind. That said we weren’t even informed of the start time either. There are definitely more sociable clubs along the south coast.

A must win game and a powerful squad travelled down. Fumar was late and went hell for leather to get there in time for the start. James Hall made his cameo appearance too. Fumar was sweeper, Clive, Scouse and Dougie completed the defensive pack with rolling subs Sponging student and Big Ben. Dodwell was absent performing pageboy duties for someone’s wedding and appointed Clive honorary fines master but more of that later. Liam, Chris and Sniffer would be the midfield and upfront James Hall, Matt Truman and Barry the skinhead monk would attack, attack, attack and so we hoped.

The game started amidst poor weather with Chichester looking to cement their place as champions and Staines fighting to retain league position. Fu shipped the ball about and flicked it up the wings for Barry and James Hall to chase. Chichester swamped the midfield and threatened to run riot-pressing Staines deep into our own half. Some good work from Liam and Fu meant that the little space there was, was used effectively with the ball being moved cleverly up the pitch. Chichester high on something had forgotten their sticks this week and brought their scythes such was the chopping down of players and sticks. Douglas put that right with an equally effective counter measure with some ‘ave that back and slowly Staines began to gain possession and territory as the pace got to Chichester who were unable to sustain it.

Staines moved the ball wide up the pitch working both flanks giving Barry and James Hall something to chase and stretch the opposition’s legs. Fumar fired the ball at Matt who played now you see it now you don’t with the centre back who had to foul him to retrieve the ball back. Eventually Matt moved ten metres higher up the pitch meaning that he was on the edge of the D and able to fire at goal with some swift effective hockey. The Chichester keeper pulling off a string of fine saves to deny Staines and keep Chichester in the game while they struggled to cope with the pace of Staines' approach play.

Chichester’s first goal was pure class, a porno Hudson style reverse side hit that if you get hold of just flies in, and it did too, top right hand corner, utterly undefendable. Some solid build up play and determination resulted in a short corner being awarded to Staines. Sniffer raced the ball out and Fu fired across goal for Matt to bang into the back of the net. ‘Ave that an unstoppable goal and Staines were right back in it. Chichester came back and fired in from a short corner and then put another one in after Clive’s lunging defensive tackle culminated in him cart wheeling over his opposite number. Chichester three one up.

Adrenalin flowing and a change in gear put Staines on the offensive, a hearty battle cry at half time started to take effect. Matt Truman banged in another goal and Staines were hungry for another. Staines rampaged forward moving the ball side to side. Fumar practised his Saturday night fever moves with some dummies to throw the opposition. Chichester’s tackling became wilder as they felt the game slip from their hands. Douglas mullered one of the opposition with some body language saying. Your not getting past so don’t try. Clive and Scouse ruled the back saying come on just try and get past with Fumar the architect as chief gunner planning all the attacks. James Hall roasted his opposite number on the right hand flank but was continually fouled but the umpire refused to produce his cards.

Eventually Douglas, Fu, Liam and James Hall kept passing the ball between one another with Chichester confused unable to tackle or prevent Staines’ rapid movement. Staines camped in the opposition’s half fighting for space to move the ball around in. Barry stayed wide and pulled his player out of the game. Matt Truman fired some more attempts at goal, which their keeper did well to save.

Eventually persistence paid off and Staines were awarded a short corner. Sniffer flung the ball out top D and Fu waited and waited Chichester uneasy with Fu’s control of the ball held back and didn’t tackle. Fu picked his spot and flicked it high into the roof of the net. 3 All thank you very much. Top of the league? Possibly not at this rate.

Staines continued to stalk the opposition’s half sensing Chichester were chasing the game with their tails amongst their legs but we ran out of time to put the final winner across the goal line.

A three all draw in a hard fought match. Another five minutes and we would have found the winner such was Staines’ dominance in the final twenty minutes. A shower and fast drive back to Staines to watch Kate McClean wiggle her butt, Sticky throw food and enjoy the celebrations of the ladies one’s play offs while watching the rugby.

With Jon Dodwell being absent without leave Clive was appointed honorary fines master. The knock on the head must have done him good as Clive was on fine form on Saturday. Votes were close. Dick of the day was going to be close with Sponging Student and Sniffer Watson neck and neck for the award, meanwhile Clive took man of the match for a heroic performance despite only missing his Captain Hook eye patch and on the last vote Sniffer Watson took dick of the day. A one, a one, and a one two three you know the rest of the line. A bit harsh really but he did dribble up his arse a bit so there you go. It was snaky B all the way on Saturday too.

Next Saturday is judgement day. At home for the final match against Portsmouth. Rather a long report this week but as it's my final write up as I can’t play next week. Hope you have enjoyed reading them. Up the blue army.

Mens 3rd XI

The M3's last home game of the season and also Mr Safety's last home league game before being forced to pastures new. Big Ben went back to the M2's and drafted in was Bill Roper recently serving his apprenticeship in the M5's. Our token Gingger (KK) also returned after a brief badly planned mid-season holiday.

What can we say about this game ? Not a lot.

Mr Safety convincingly lost the toss which was most reassuring. Being 3-1 down at half time was not good news but also not unusual this season. Neither was finally being defeated 5-1after a brave yet ultimately futile effort.

High points:-
Mr Safety and Plumber Nelhams tackling, the only two players to make the opposition squeal. It was nice to see the odd Chichester player climbing back to the pitch from row M in the stands.
Roy stopped it from being a 10-1 loss.
Tanker Lazlo's well taken goal, after a good team move involving Sohail and Bouncy Jim to set him up.
Bill Roper had a good debut managed not to drown despitebeing thrown in the deep end.

Low Points:-
There were five of them.

Hero: Votes went to Bill, Mr Safety, Plumber Nelhams - but for actually scoring a goal Phil Lazlo got the majority.
Villain (and old woman): For being a mouthy git, irritating the Umpire and costing us a short corner Phil won this one as well.

Next week is Mr Safety's last league game for Staines - away at Holcombe. Come on guys, make an effort to win it for the old knackerbag !

Mens 4th XI

Now this is exciting isn't it? We are 3 points ahead of the chasing pack now, so a draw this coming Saturday against Henley will be enough for our promotion hopes to be realised. A draw. That's all we need. Surely to come this far and come away with nothing would be mortally wounding, so 1 point is all we need. One measly point.

Before mention of our game, there is good news for our 3rd Eleven who get to stay up in their league having done just enough to escape relegation with one game left to go. Hurrah!
Bad news is that Vinny, inventor of match reporting nonsense and "The safety ball" (a ball swept off the sideline when there is no real need. Whatever you do though, do not criticise this as it could end up with a "COME ON THEN! OUTSIDE!" ungentlemanly display). I am expecting an epic of a last match report from you Sir.


This week we wandered over to blustery Bracknell to see if we could stretch our lead out over Henley and South Bucks and as it would happen, Lady Luck beamed brightly down on us and gave us a 5-0 win before we even set foot on the Bracknell Astro. Two of their players had played already for their 1st eleven you see, so there you go. We played the game and as it didn't matter about the result, perhaps this was a time to enjoy ourselves and have a bit of a laugh. Well, that was the plan, of course it didn't happen as we fell apart from the start and conceded a very early goal when one of the Bracknell ringers broke through and attacked the goal from the base line. All he could do was pass it to the waiting striker whom Gnasher had in his pocket, only .5 of a second earlier. Steve, I think you may have a hole in your pocket mate.... Enraged at conceding such a silly, early goal to a team that had only accumulated 9 points in 20 games, Staines re-started and began to look like the team that have pushed all the way into second place in this league by squeezing the opposition until they felt a small amount of discomfort and had to go for a lie down and a Satsuma. But Lady Luck had lost interest in us and had gone home to see if she had won the Readers Digest Prize Draw and at that very moment, Tarts knee twanged again. This was not good as his mobility is one of the reasons we have scored so many goals this season, also watching him hobble about is a little bit of a sorry sight, especially for all the animal lovers out there.

Things were not going too well for us in this game, OK, so we had already won it, but it would be highly depressing to get walloped by Bracknell, ringers or not. The plus was that I didn't have to touch the ball in all of the first half, the minus was that although our defence held, everyone else was having a bit of a mare. Das Kapitan, our very own Shermanator, kicked, fouled and released pass after pass that found nobody he recognised. Just before half time, he noticed that we were playing in white and the opposition in blue, so a quick mental readjustment and his passing improved 100%, Deano, who was playing midfield, couldn't get the service he required this week which frustrated him no end. (Fnarr Fnarr) One thing we could do however was score short corners and we levelled the game with one 10 minutes into the game. Deano's drilling shot rebounding from the goalie, only for poacher Raines to swoop in and flick the ball home. Not long after, another short was won but Monkey had his effort rebound off the post. Still, the pressure was there and another short corner was neatly converted by Dean. However, It appeared that Lady Luck had made a few phone calls to some of her chums, God being one of them. And there he was, peering through the clouds and stroking his long beard, God targeted Sidney and promptly "smited" him. The result? A big back twinge and another disabled Staines player.

So we went into the break 2-1 up. We couldn't quite kill Bracknell off in the first half as they fought hard, but things were to improve, if only very slightly in the second half. Our collection of cripples was growing at a rather alarming rate too, so much so that Shopmobility are keen to get a sponsorship deal signed with us for next season.

The game restarted and confusion reigned once again. Not just for us, but Bracknell were infected too, I lost count how many times the ball was played off the sidelines, or belted up front to nobody in particular by both teams. Bracknell did have a few chances, but the old leviathan in the helmet had cunningly turned the goal around to face the other way, so there was no chance of any of Bracknell's goals going over the line. We had our usual stint of sloppy marking and suicide balls and couldn't set Dean free from his tormentors who hounded him into a most grumpy of moods. Rich was wandering in the wilderness again, but had picked up his game from last week. Gloria put in his usual bucket of effort and Mr Toad hopped and skipped his way around the park to try to control the middle. Gnashers marker, the Bracknell left winger was visibly getting younger next to him as Mr Nash seems to have gone down the styling cul-de-sac of Tom Hanks in "Philadelphia".

Clumsy play by both teams saw the ball start to rise in the air. Gnashers legs were back to their most attractive, once again resembling a popular marmity party nibble and Colin came off the pitch looking not unlike a double six domino, bruises scattered over his torso and arms. Finally the Bracknell advance started to recede and we could play again, a long ball finding the Tart in the D, who held up play long enough to draw the keeper and slip the ball through to the open Chubster who pushed in his second. Goal number 4 was yet another short corner, this time passed wide to Sidney, who forgetting all about his hurting spine, cannoned the ball that I believe made a hole in the goalkeepers pads, legs and backboards as it disappeared into the distance.
At last some decent pressure and some coordinated play! But it didn't last.... We did manage one more goal and it was a good bit of solo work from our crippled centre poke, who intercepted a Bracknell sideline hit, to shimmy (A shimmy, helped by a collapsing knee) past the oncoming defender and slip the ball home under the approaching goalkeeper.
5-1 Then. Erm, don't mind if we take the 5-0 win do you? Course not! Cheers!
Chubby Jezza never fell over this week but this means that we are not quite sure if he has decided to drop the song and dance routine that goes along with every tumble. Next week will tell!

A tardy performance by Staines and some real hard battling from Bracknell made it look a lot closer than it should have been. The difference between the sides were that we could score short corners and they couldn't. Sifting through the crud of our game, there were a few flashes of gold in there, so it's hopeful, but I don't know what it's going to take for a really good team performance as next week, we will need one. Perhaps it will be in the shape of Rodney, who replaces the unavailable Dean next week. Perhaps it lays at the bottom of the team hip-flask, perhaps it's in the overgrown, Clairol tinted borders of Hudson's ever amusing barnet?
We shall see next week, 1pm at the Stadium of Light (Ale).

MOM: Diverse voting this week saw me emerge to bask in the glory of the iron-deficient white shirt, for "Not being as rubbish as the rest of us". Still, a votes a vote and you take them where you can get them.

DOD: Even more diverse voting, Dean gets a mention for a poor game and his stroppyness but Alex pinches it for his first half "Am I blue?, Am I white?" debacle.


Oh, Children, a word of warning. Danger lurks everywhere. You may have been told hundreds of times over the years, not to try to emulate the fight scenes in "Power Rangers", or to mimic the piscine abilities of "The Man from Atlantis", but never, I repeat, never, use a balloon as a headrest. Especially whilst drinking. Eh Deano?

Mens 5th XI

Road Runners barmy army carried on their return to form and prepared to take on second place Merton who were in good form.

No sign of Mr Caine this week, Ms Skids kindly put on the referee jumpers, to be judge and jury. The Mad Mexican was back, angry after a holiday with the
family. The Jolly Green Giant and Duracell also rejoined the team to complete the barmy army league assault.

Mr Flash, going places, holiday jet set, Luwellen or is it Sue Ellen? made another consecutive appearance, to bring his total to three for 2004. Flash celebrated with a fat boy’s cheese burger before the match, which would explain the lack of pace! Road Runner shocked all as he showed off his new range of men in tights!

Staines got off to a solid start, the defence of Brave Heart, Flash, Samurai and Major Charles Ingrum, denying Merton space and time. The two sides tested each other out, but neither side showed mercy. Midway through the first half Staines mounted a wave pressure, forced from the silky midfield of Mad Mexican, Duracell, Penny Racer and Road Runner. The ball was crossed in low and Hobo converted, to open the scoring giving Staines a 1-0 Lead.

Merton responded with a mountain of pressure on the Staines defence, for ten minutes Staines had their backs to the wall, Adam (Neo Maximus) pulled off some fine saves, while Staines desperately tried to clear. Major Charles Ingrum Shouted “come back and help” there was no answer as everyone was back (defending)! Eventually the pressure told and Merton equalised to make it 1-1. Staines game of snakes and ladders was back, as Merton pressed for a second. Staines fended off the attack with resolve and eventually found Road Runner in Midfield who slipped the ball to Penny Racer on the right wing. Penny Racer then raced down the wing, while Hobo motored to the ‘D’ where the Jolly Green Giant was waiting. Penny Racer crossed, the Jolly Green Giant dummied and the ball found Hobo unmarked in the ‘D’. Hobo connected and smashed the ball at the keeper, the ball ballooned through the keepers legs and looped into the air, then fell a tantalisingly into the net for a 2-1 lead.

Merton looked shocked and cagely tried to get back in the game, but Staines quickly broke again from defence to attack again through Road Runner and Penny Racer. Penny Racer flew, down the centre midfield, while Hobo once more motored down the left wing and Jolly Green Giant moved into the ‘D’. Penny Racer tried to slip the ball to Hobo on the edge of the ‘D’, but the pass was a little to long and Hobo could only get a faint touch to guide it at the Merton goal and the Merton Keeper cleared.

The Staines now had their tails up and pushed Merton back with pressure. The Staines Midfield broke again the ball was cannoned into the Merton ‘D’, the ball was then crossed to Road Runner who slotted home the third goal to give Staines a 3-1 lead.

Merton tried to mount pressure, but Staines held firm and the whistle went for half time, with Staines 2 goals to the good. At half time came and Road Runner asked for less scrappy play and mistakes and slicker play and width, which was basically the prescription he prescribed a week before.

The second half got of to an electric start, as Hobo stole the ball from the push back to the midfield, skinned the defender and was only just halted by the Merton Keeper who cleared the lines.

Space appeared as Merton tried to get a goal back in the game. The midfield of Road Runner, Mad Mexican, Duracell, Penny Racer and The attack of Diamond Geezer (suffering, probably from Buffy back pain), the Jolly Green Giant and Hobo, sliced open the Merton defence, as the game moved from one end to another.

Eventually Staines game of snakes and ladders returned and Merton scored on the brake to pull the score back to 3-2.

The game then went into shock and ore as the Staines defence took on a ten minute period of immense Merton pressure and Road Runner retired with a hole in his tights.

Staines were camped in their own ‘D’, making life complicated for themselves, instead off pushing clearances, Staines thought if far more sporting to wind up huge clearances on the reverse stick. Eventually Staines broke on once again on the counter, through the Mad Mexican, who flew through the midfield, into the Merton ‘D’ and crossed low to the Jolly Green Giant, who was inches away from converting.

Merton raised the stakes again and mounted another wave of intense pressure. Staines were forced into desperate defending and the Major put on Heavy machine gun fire to clear. The Staines ‘D’ was turned into a seen from the Matrix film, as the ball was cannoned of Hobo’s and Major Charles Ingrum's limbs. Duracell took some limbs of his own, before the referee showed green and Mad Mexican went insane. Flash put his cheeseburger in defence to cut down the target and Brave Heart shouted “Freedom”.

The hero of the hour was Neo Maximus, who was the body bag for the day, taking heavy artillery, fire Neo Maximus showed Matrix moves with some out standing saves, taking around 100 hits, with true gladiator style, throwing back everything that was thrown at him and stopped shots like they were in a slow motion Matrix, but Neo Maximus won the day and kept Merton at bay.

Staines were a rock in defence and put on a gutsy performance, to hold Merton for a 3-2 win. The captain only comment was "well done lads" and so say all of us. (SHOCK AND ORE ALL THE WAY TO THE END)

Final Score Merton 2, Staines 3
Scorers Hobo 2, Road Runner 1
Man of Match Neo Maximus
Dick of Day Buffy the teenage Slayer, for being rough with Diamonds back!
Body Count Diamond Geezer, Major Charles Ingrum, Road Runner, Hobo, Neo Maximus.

Mens 6th XI

I know 5-1 sounds like a thrashing but scorelines aren't always as clear cut as they sound. There were a few mitigating circumstances ...

Gordon, Ben, Tom, Matty, Ian, Salman, and Andy were all unavailable. Some of the decisions would have shocked even our old friend from a couple of seasons ago, the unmistakable Big Chief Yellow Belly. We had to play three 13 year olds up front. And two in midfield. And one in goal. Several of our colts had only limited sleep .... one playing games until 5am and then being woken up by his brother at 6am, another blaming a faulty alarm clock for repeatedly waking him up and another played lots of games with "strip-" in front of them culminating in "strip-twister". Alas the game was cut short by spoilsport parents (I know I'm not supposed to know but bras and thongs were mentioned !). Things could be fun in the years to come. We had already won promotion ... bit of a lame one that. Some players were still complaining that they hadn't recovered from Gordon's training on Thursday. Nick brought along his lucky mascot, sorry girlfriend, so we knew that we would definitely concede at least one goal.

All in all not the best preparation for a game. Martin showed them how to prepare properly by joining the Ladies 1st XI in a glass of champagne to celebrate their fantastic league championship victory.

The game started with the home side putting us under pressure but the new defence was holding firm. Bob settled very quickly into his first ever game at centre back, and was intercepting any long balls through from midfield. Nick and Martin were hassling just in front and slowly but surely we got a foothold in the game. It was noticeable however that the kids were struggling against the strong wind and the sheer physical presence of our opponents. Either they were in good positions but stationary and so were being beaten to the ball or they were running into an area that was hard to work the ball into. After a couple of alarms at the back that Matt in goal confidently dealt with, we started to make several attacking breaks. Martin picked up the ball and dribbled 30 yards into home territory, not a regular site! Nick picked up the mantle and dribbled round five or six players. Alas after four blatant kicking offences by the home side went unpunished Martin informed Alpo to take a closer look at what was happening down the other end. Alas, a speedy break caught our defence square and after blocking the first attempt a deft deflection saw the ball slide past Matty into the corner. Rats 0-1.

We played well now and attacked down both flanks, with Dougie taken out by a stick tackle that almost hit the grip ... play on !!!!! .... aghhh there's the whistle Alpo's seen that one. Into the 25 we go ... hack hack .... and a hit to us. Martin drives it in but it's stopped on the p-spot. The defender shells the ball at Martin who jumps a foot off the ground to get clearance as the ball sailed between his legs ... that was almost nasty! Maybe it was the strength of the wind that blew the sound of the whistle away .... alas no ... play on !

Half-time : 0-1

First 10 mins of the 2nd half we pinned them back in their half and with the wind at our backs the game was on a knife edge. Unfortunately for us it was blunt today. Tim had a glorious chance from a yard out but he thought the keeper was closer than he was and took the ball a yard away from goal dallied and was tackled. Rats.

Then the game turned as Martin jab tackled their midfielder, the ball ballooned up into the air off the Wokingham players stick ... who then chested the ball past Martin and drove on up to the 25 and laid the ball wide of Matt to the open attacker at the back post to slot home for 0-2.

Nothing to lose now so we chucked men (and boys) forward. Bob fresh from his coaching from Gordon was hitting some pretty clean strikes through the first ring of attackers, but alas the ball was not always reaching a blue shirt. Martin and Nick pushed up higher to try and get something back and we got some more pressure in their 25 but couldn't find the killer blow. We won a few long corners and from the last one the ball was laid in with insufficient ball speed and it was intercepted, 15 seconds later it was in the back of our net .... 0-3.

The opposition did their war dance of joy, the wind howled as the dark forces lined up against us, the goal fell over in the tornado and we were subjected to five successive short corners. Matty stood firm in goal and kicked clear with style and power. We broke away and as the clouds broke to let a ray of sunshine out Alpo awarded us our one and only short corner of the game. The goals fell over again. Matt (5am in the morning boy) volunteered to receive and strike and a pretty good forced the keeper to save. The ball was then intelligently slipped to the back post where Dougie had his stick flat on the ground as per coaching instructions and voila 1-3.

Our very own Strip-Twister champion woke up and suddenly burst into life and for a few minutes the home side were flapping and in danger of imploding and letting us in with a chance. Not to be as they broke away and despite a couple of fine stops by Matt in goal they scored two more to send us home wet and miserable ... well slightly narked.

Full-time : 1-5

Tiger: For brave defiance Matt Bromley took the honours for an impressive on his feet display of keeping. Watch this space as he develops next season and learns to dominate his circle.

Donkey: In a close run contest Tim (for the miss of the season) and Matt (so tired and slow) were tied with one vote to go ... with the nod going to Matt.

We reckon that with Gordon rampaging around up front to support the youngsters we would have had them, but it doesn't look like we will find out as Bicester won, so Wokingham may have to stay in this division whilst we move up. Last league is next week against Mill Hill at home.

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Staines 14 Chiswick 0 (Photos here)

"Weeeeeee are the chaaampions mah frreeee-eeend"

Captain Kate bellowed melodiously, beckoning me across the room as I entered, followed by similar calls from the choir of ladies. To my right a table had been decorated with champagne bottles surrounding a cake that had been sculpted in the shape of the Staines hockey ladies t-shirt. In the centre of the room surrounding an array of coloured liquids and cocktail sausages were the champions themselves, shoulders linked and hearts united as they sung the infamous Queen song (playing for the 8th time that evening, Melly trying to reach a record 20).

And why should they not be merry? The invincible Staines had just won the league, scored 98 goals (with a game in hand) and had dominated their morning game against Chiswick with relative ease (relative, girls, not good enough of course. Struds commented that she likes the oppo and that we should be nice by scoring a mere 16 goals...).

The Truman Show record of 6 goals had been annhialated by Sarah 'Why Not Eight, Sweetie?' Chandler's 7 goals (other nicknames including 'No I In Team', 'Selfish Seven' and 'Two Jugs'). And whilst we were in the record-smashing business, Man of the Match Chandler also got dick of the day for her goal-hanging after a staggering 19 votes. But it was a team effort (Team got 1 MOM vote in fact, whilst goal keeper Maggie came in second with her 'flawless performance') and the other goal scorers - Mellie 2, Chrissy 2,Ruth 1, Baldie 2-knew that they had been only the beneficiaries of a team effort.

I smile proudly at this point (and completely soberly), reflecting upon the team before me. Such an enduring team, one that had tasted playoff opportunity before and yet could not complete that final lap. One that had also just consumed an incredible 25(+) bottles of champagne, beginning the celebrations at 11:30am...

Injuries that day had been worrisome, a bad knock to the back of Kate's head, a comatosed Lucy, Struds nursed some nasty gash on her stomach and Anna pondered the green bruises on her hand the next morning - perhaps I should highlight that all of these occurred in the pub, not on the field... Nevertheless! Endurance! Determination! Hard women, the lot of them. And yet, a sappy, emotional bunch. Many a time did Baldy express her gratitude and love for Shay, Kate and Anna shared meaningless of promises of returning to the field in the following season in their respective positions, Nikki Walsh put on a tough front but come on, Walshy, you don't want to leave (even if it be riding on the bonnet of Claire's car).

Yes, indeed. "There is no 'I' in team...but swap some letters around and you get 'meat'. Soft and tender, yet tough and hardened under the pressure and heat of the moment. 'tis a beautiful picture of Staines ladies, is it not? I was going to add a load of exposing stories for the tabloids about your escapades on that Saturday evening, but 'love covers a multitude of sins' Proverbs 10:12...

So Thank You Staines for a fantastic season. Good luck for the Middlesex Cup, and as Kate said, keep up the practicing for the REAL celebrations after the playoffs.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI