Match Reports For Saturday 16th October Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

A tough away game for Staines led to their first loss of the season. In a disappointing game Staines did not play to their potential and on an unfamiliar surface struggled against the skills of a decent Slough side.

The game was closely contested from the off with chances falling to each side but none being taken. Staines won a couple of penalty corners but both came to nothing, a similar story was happening at the other end. Midway through the first half Slough took the lead. The Slough centre forward showed great pace and skill to get into the circle before being driven wide by John Stannard, however with the danger seemingly over the forward swivelled and crashed in a shot from an acute angle which beat the unsighted Andy Green, in goal, at his near post. At one nil down Staines continued to create chances but the link between the midfield and the forwards was not at its best and none of these chances were clear cut.

At half time Staines knew they were still right in the game and came out fighting for the second half. With coach Sibia slightly changing the formation of the side, Staines managed a period of domination and during this time they snatched an equaliser from a penalty corner. Andy Evans knocking in the rebound after good work by Mark Hampton. This should have given Staines fresh impetus, however they were hit by a sucker punch. Within five minutes Slough broke and their centre forward rifled a reverse stick strike, again from an acute angle, past Green leaving him with no chance. The game continued in a scrappy fashion with Staines pressing and driving forward looking for the equaliser and Slough attacking occasionally, trying to hit Staines on the break. With five minutes left a strike by Mike Farmer drifted agonisingly wide of the post and it seemed as if there would not be another chance, but on the final whistle Staines won a penalty corner. With this final chance at snatching a point out of the game the whole side pressed forward, but it wasn't to be as Chapman's strike was parried by the keeper and the rebound hit a Staines foot as the final whistle sounded.

A disappointing game which could have yielded Staines the points had the concentration levels been a bit higher and the breaks had fallen to Staines rather than Slough. This coming Saturday sees Staines take on Gore Court at home, before an HA Cup tie against Hounslow and Ealing on Sunday.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

Back to Staines Astro this week and after watching the painful experience that can be the 2’s winning a hockey match, we began to warm up. The industrial vat of Max Strength Deep Heat was produced and each player was dipped in turn ‘til the smell became too much for them and they passed out. We then left them on the sidelines to revive naturally as per the instructions provided by the manufacturers.

New players this week were in the familiar faces of Chubby Jezza, who appeared to be bleeding from the “sex wounds” on his knees, Mr Safety, who had driven the 61.8 miles from his house to the hallowed gap-in-the-fence come entrance to Staines’s car park and also in attendance, we had somehow wound up with Duncan Foster, who was obviously serving Community Service for some sickening crime previously committed. A quick check of the letter from his parole officer and our worst suspicions were confirmed that in fact we, The Staines Men’s 4th Eleven were the ones being punished with community service.

Right, who are we playing this week? Phoenix it says in the book, and indeed Phoenix it was! Whistles, arm waving and the like got the game underway and from the off, the standard of play was Scrappier than Scooby Doo’s annoying cousin. Chris was our umpire for the day and Phoenix were using a somewhat inexperienced player to umpire the first half. Stick tackles, feet, barging and lifting was the name of the game, you name it, we all got away with it. The phrase “Play the whistle” was something good to shout constantly as the first half degenerated into not much more than a stand up fight. Of course, being the gentlemen that we are, Queensbury rules applied, and by the time these had been discussed and understood, things were calming down! Now, before I get strung up, if someone is willing to umpire a game, then hats off to them, as on the few occasions that I have picked up the whistle, I have made a right ricket of it. I had to try to remember not to run with the whistle in my mouth as I kept wheezing into it and stopping the game! Anyway, the Phoenix umpire was further hampered as I think some dastardly person had swapped his official whistle for the dog version. At one point in the game, a faint barking was heard as a pack of hounds rallied at Battersea and headed down the A30 towards Staines.

Not all bad though as amongst all this confusion Drunken Foster had managed to force his way through the Phoenix defences to slot the ball past the keeper for our goal number 1. This, of course was the cue to start the big blue goal machine and so Alex unhooked it from his car, wheeled it over to the pitch, flicked on its magneto, primed the carburettor, and turned the starting handle. “Chug Chug Chug” it went, then it cut out. Meanwhile, at our end of the pitch, some poor marking lead to a flurry of Phoenix attacks. Salmon-like, (in odour only unfortunately) I leapt around the goal and some tidy defending saw the attackers repelled, only for the 16 yard hit to be played back to our hungry opposition, usually by Sid, or in one instance when Vinny’s safety valve went into meltdown and a simple shell up the pitch turned into a feeble dribble off the sidelines. This comedy moment attracted the very last surviving Keystone Kop who was apparently visiting family in Staines. Over to the sidelines he wandered in time to witness Dean and the Tart trying to work a ball out from the back with some seemingly clever cut backs of the ball to one another only to see it trickle of the side, and when Dean was shouting at Sid to hoof the ball out of the D left, Mr Patel played it instead to the striker lurking on the top D. The goal was averted but a short corner given, and all the while Dean was yelling at Sid “LEFT, SID, I SAID PLAY IT LEFT, THAT WAS DOWN THE MIDDLE!” To which our hapless sweeper tried to explain that that the middle was to his left….. This was all too much for the Keystone Kop who promptly turned up his toes laughing, having never witnessed anything so ridiculous!

Back to the hockey and we cleared their short and made a break that lead to a short corner of our very own. The usual suspects lined up and with the ball pinging around the goal area like an oversized pinball machine, Cool hand Vin took control and flicked the ball over the sprawling keeper to give us another goal. “ROAR!” he went and ran off with Alan Shearers arm raised aloft in celebration. So 2-0. Looking good. Better try the goal machine again to see if it’s working….. Ah, it seems that someone has put diesel in it, anyone a member of the AA? Anyone?. OK, I’m sure two goals will be enough…..

And then Phoenix scored. I can’t remember how, but I’m sure it was wonderful and that even the fattest of goalkeepers couldn’t have stopped it.

2-1 and at half time, we stopped shouting at each other for long enough to let the Oracle known as Foster tell us what was wrong. Armed with this information, off we went again and lined up ready to face whatever Phoenix could throw in our general direction. One positive is that they changed their umpire for someone with a pea in his whistle who duly got the game re-started.

Phoenix took a deep breath and then charged, for what seemed like an eternity, we battled to keep the ball out of our net, saving here, tripping people up there until it looked like Phoenix had at last an empty net for which to place the ball, the striker fired his shot that was beyond all of us, until this overweight blur skidded past us to deflect the ball round the post. Two red streaks on the pitch were the tell tale signs that the Nottcutts Sniper had made a return to form, bagging himself a Jeremy, who incidentally saved our necks. A pat on the back for the sniper was retracted due to the fact that in his haste to save the goal, Jezza had pushed the ball off the back line, for a short corner. Opinion was divided as to whether it was a short or a long, Jezza says it was a long, the Umpire said it was a short and winning this debate was the chap with the cards and the whistle. So short it was. This time we defended well and even managed a break up front. Another short corner for us later and the on form Mr Hudson smacked the ball into the back of the net for a 3-1 lead. More pressure saw Duncan come storming into the oppositions D to flick the ball up into the air towards the Phoenix goal. “It must be a goal” he thought, but nobody had told him that in the lower leagues, the goals aren’t 17 feet tall and 30 feet wide, so it missed. By some margin.

Jezza, having still not calmed from his goalkeeping efforts, was impeded at one stage during a goal scoring attempt and allegedly had his stick trodden on by some no doubt whimsical figment of his imagination. “He trod on my stick” he cried! “He trod on my stick!” he repeated and repeated and repeated to everyone and anyone who would or wouldn’t listen till eventually the farmer was called, who humanely destroyed him with a cricket bat.

Looking thoroughly peeved that they were losing to a disorganized rabble, Phoenix stepped up a gear and came at us with all guns blazing. One save I took right on the kneecap, which curtailed my leaping about, actually, it put paid to my waddling about the goal for the rest of the game and general movement for the next 4 days! Colin, who was on the sideline at the time turned his head away and refused to come on as it would mean squeezing into my stinky kit. This and the fact that his weakling, pedal pushing, driving instructors, ladies ankles are not up to the job of kicking hockey balls anymore. Probably.

Another short and after a cleverly worked goal that saw the Phoenix centre poke lift the ball from under his arm to sail over the top of us all. As we all pointed at the ball and went “Oooooh”, another Phoenix forward took the ball down at chest height and into our waiting goal. 3-2! How exciting! Especially with a static obstacle in goal. Fortunately, this was the last of the Phoenix attacks as Mr Foster pulled back into the middle of the park and commanded the rest of the game, even laughing in the face of the opposition as they tried to break his legs with their sticks.

So the final whistle went and we headed off to the round tablecloths and fizzy beer.

An hour later, 764 barking dogs turned up at the pitch ready to defend their country from alien invasion. Realising it was a false alarm they literally turned tails and left, muttering amongst themselves.

Bloody umpires!

An eventful game, one that I think we deserved to win, but only just. Even though Rich and Chubby played well in the middle, the rest of us didn’t play as well as we could have. When I say the rest of us, of course I don’t mean me. I was fantastic.

Nobody was really terrible mind and it wasn’t helped by Phoenix’s goalie doing very well, it’s just that I know we can do better.

MOM: The darling of the oversized kit-bags. Me.

DOD: Mr Toad, for locking the keys in his jalopy and having to call upon the pikey skills of Mr Hudson to get them out again.

So another win and one that takes us into 2nd spot into the league behind Banbury. Next week, all the fun of the fair at Sonning and I’ll probably be using this match reporting platform to not mention Steve “Gloria” Rengger again. Well, if he can’t’ do anything wrong, or right for that matter before, during or after a game, then he doesn’t deserve to be mentioned. So there!

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

For some strange reason the League takes a rest for two weeks and a couple of friendlies are played. Having played H & W earlier this season and drawing 3-3 it was time to experiment with four in midfield.

With Kerry still out injured, Tracey nursing a back injury and Daisy not being available some strategic thought was needed to optimise our chances. Introducing a new keeper, Chantelle (who looked so different at the Underground do), whose debut performance was outstanding. The score line did not do her justice. Kath moving from centre forward to sweeper in one fell swoop, earned her MOM, with her co conspirator, Wendy again achieving DOD, though not one word passed her lips! H&W on several occasions were thwarted in their attempts to find the back of the net. Pressing hard down on the right throughout most of the first half Jeanette and Louise had their work cut out for them. It must have been something to do with the glucose that Louise took before the game as her energy levels were definitely on a high.

With the score line at 0-0 at halftime, Staines needed to be more positive in the midfield and exercise the pivotal role, which worked to some extent with Staines having their chances but failing to capitalise. H&W, not prepared to sit back relentlessly worked the ball up the pitch with speed and crisp passes to break the deadlock with the first goal. Staines then had to endure a number of short corners against them, for reasons that were not at all obvious. In a spate of about 8 minutes the other 4 goals were scored, with H&W converting a penalty corner in a well worked routine and 2 from open play. Staines goal came from some good solid work from Ingrid and Clare working together, with Clare finally putting the ball away.

Game over, head off to the Pub to be greeted with some superb teas and cast the usual voting.
We meet H&W again away in the league in December; lets claim this one.

Ladies 4th XI

Last Saturday we held the league's leading team of young ones to a 1-1 draw. This week we were facing a team at the other end of the spectrum with oodles of experience! Luckily we had coach Tim on hand for a good warm up and advice to get us into the right frame of mind.

We got off to an excellent start with lots of pressure on their goal. Those shooting exercises from Wednesday were really paying off with Jules and Michelle making some great shots but just could not seem to find the back of the goal.

After settling into our rhythm the defence did some sterling work keeping the ball out. Karen made some fantastic saves, outstanding tackles by Caroline and Penny with Heather's strong 16 yard hits clearing the ball from the danger area. Unfortunately midway through the half Sonning was awarded a short corner. A good pass across the D found their right wing who finished the move with a strong strike to the right hand corner of the goal. Our defence were unluckily as the ball slipped through a gap of only a few inches to open the scoring of the game, 0-1 to Sonning.

Not to be defeated we were straight back on the offensive with Ali R, Kerry and Tanya giving great support in midfield feeding the balls through to Vikkie and Elly but a goal for us just was not meant to be …. Sonning broke away down the pitch with some excellent first touch passing and a shot from the top of the D found the back of the goal, 0-2.

Half time and a team talk from the coach made us run back out there with renewed determination. Marie did some great passes and tackles up the left hand side, supported by Pix in defence who was a force to be reckoned with. We kept the pressure on but it really did not seem to be our day for finding the back of the goal. Jules, Elly and Michelle kept up those excellent shots, which all were saved, and even Vikkie and Tanya at full stretch couldn't seem to get on the end of the rebounds.

Another break by Sonning gave opportunity for a formidable strike that found the back of the goal, 0-3. Our spirit was now a little low but captain Ali kept us focused and showed us how to get back into the game with a great run down the pitch and pass to Jules who finished off with a great strike but hit the post! Did I already say it wasn't our day .. well it really felt like it now!!

Sonning were back on the attack with a long pass down the field. Pix and Heather did well to delay to give time for everyone to run back in support but the opposition were awarded a short corner. Karen fantastically saved the first strike but the rebound shot slipped past the defence and into the left hand corner.

The game finished 0-4 and we can certainly say the score does not truly reflect our performance … even though often the defeated teams' excuse … its true!!

We must mention a big thank you to Tim for coming to watch us and for the rallying talk at half time. Also thanks to Helen for all your cheering from the sideline. Next week another friendly to ease us back into our winning streak for our next league game!