Match Reports For Saturday 30th October Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

Staines travelled to south-east London on Saturday looking for three points to keep them in contention at the top of the table. Unfortunately, a 3-2 loss did not help the cause and Staines have slipped into mid table.

The game started well with Staines on the offensive for the first couple of minutes, however an early sin-binning, for Andy Evans took away the momentum and Staines were forced to defend valiantly for the next ten minutes. This
they did and THD could not find a way through. With Staines restored to eleven the game swung to and fro with neither side creating any clear cut chances. Adam Hart, for Staines, had a deflection just past the post, but this was as close as Staines got in the first half. THD however, took the lead from a well struck penalty corner and defended strongly for the rest of the half.

The second period was slightly brighter for Staines although the inability to retain possession, once it has been won is becoming a bit of a worry. Time and again Staines won the ball only to fritter away possession with poor decision making or individual errors. With a bit of possession in the middle of the second half, Staines began to look threatening and equalised through James Chapman after Stuart Hall and Neil Toulson had opened up THD's defence down the right. This gave Staines a renewed belief and they kept the ball better for a while and this culminated in a goal for Geraint Hughes. Possession was held on the left, before the play was switched to the right by Chapman and Hall for Alistair Geddes to fire the ball into the circle for Hughes to deflect over the goalkeeper. This should have enabled Staines to close out the game and take the three points, however the bad habits came back and Staines were punished twice by THD's forwards. Both goals coming from possession being lost and THD's forwards breaking quickly, leaving Andy Green in goal with no chance. With Staines now slipping into the mid table, three points are a must this Saturday when Staines take on PHC Chiswick at home. Then on Sunday Staines look to continue their good cup form, when they play Epsom in the HA Trophy.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

It has been a topsy turvey start to the new season for the 3rd XI. Pre-season expectation was high and the feeling was that the team could potentially deliver a result in the league. The last four results, however, cover the entire spectrum – from deliciously slinky skills and exquisite finishing right through to painful inadequacy all over the pitch. The positive side of this is that the painful inadequacy bit was done in the first 2 games, and the slinky skills bit is happening now.

Saturday saw the team travel to Hayes – where the local bridge club must have had a quiet Saturday afternoon given that most of their regulars were turning out for the Hayes 2nd XI. Our esteemed Captain provided us with a warning about the levels of gamesmanship that may be deployed – whatever he said would turn out be an understatement. Despite the illustrious surroundings of the Chelsea FC training facilities, the behavior on the pitch was more Vauxhall Nova (sorry Skipper) than DB7. Discipline was the key and it showed with good passing and movement from the Staines XI resulting in a speedy advantage to the visitors. Teacher Jez punished the defence twice in the first few minutes with some good finishing and this was followed up with a threaded ball from midfield onto which the Mad Mexican latched to score a goal that would easily make the goal of the month shortlist.

With three in the bag (onion) Staines pushed forward confidently, the Hayes defence stretched, and their midfield frustrated. Defensively Staines looked solid with any attack being neutralised with a rock steady but swift response. Once again it was Alpesh The Builder, the Kemish Brothers and Benjy who combined efficiently to allow the ball out through the wide channels at the back. The defensive midfield, in the form of Anton , worked tirelessly linking well with Brendon on the right, the Mexican on the left and Kill Bill just in front – the diamond a possible option in the future?

Just before Half time Benjy's all round work was rewarded as he delivered number 4 to the scoreboard from a shorty .

The second half was, again, very contrasting. The passing was not as crisp and the work rate not as high. Was this like watching England Vs France in euro 2004? Not quite……luckily the opposition were as bad in the second half as they were in the first - and who else but Mr Advice Laslo should pop up in the final few minutes to seal the tie.

Thanks to some positive refereeing the match retained some shape. The more experienced players would do well to learn from the little fellow on the left wing – yes, skipper, he was the one you were marking.

The post match voting was also interesting – DOD was awarded to Kinsley for his obvious Arsen Wenger moments. Kingsley commented “I did not see the little fellow”. MOM was, oddly enough, awarded to the man who did the best impression of a brass monkey I have ever seen. He commented “the backboard started to dig into my butt”. Nuff said Andy.

A good result with some strong play. Lets do it for both halves next week!!

Mens 4th XI

In stark contrast to last week’s rain, we were bathed in sunlight for the start of our game this week against Banbury. Banbury had caned our league last year and finished top, with us in second and although in a higher league, it looks like a similar story again this season, for Banbury at least.

The return of the very brittle Barney this week meant that the Tart would have some company up front, and as Gloria was out at the Gladiator Academy learning how to fight with nets and spears, we had acquired the Sponging Student again to dart about the middle of the pitch.

Getting the game underway and we looked rather good, having some fine possession and chances on goal. On the odd occasion when Banbury pressed us, they couldn’t find any gaps in our back line. What was evident however was when they pushed forward, they swarmed us like a plague of locusts. Not the most pleasant of Biblical curses, I can tell you, but then what are?

Staines were first to get on the score sheet though, from a Tart short corner shot that was stopped on the line by a Banbury defender. Mr Toad’s lightning reactions came into use once more as he was the first to the ball to scramble it into the net. Unfortunately, a similar scene was recreated at the other end of the field 1 minute later. Short, scramble, stopped on the line, but pushed in off the end of Sid’s proud stick.

Crapola.

This got Blue pulses racing and this showed itself as a green card for Deano for debating a rather suspect decision by the Banbury umpire.

Banbury, sniffing blood, were now on a bit of a roll, and got their noses in front when their left winger squared a ball across the top of the D. Sidney was at full stretch and only managed to take some of the pace off the ball and unfortunately re-directed it to the Banbury centre forward, who ran the, not inconsiderable distance around my good self to slot the ball into the empty net.

With the change of ends, things just got worse for us. Some confusion about the second half meant that we just were not there. And it showed.

Meanwhile, Lady Luck was sat in the pub beer garden, smoking and drinking with Mother Nature and Jack Frost. Jack Frost was just getting another round of Stella’s in when he turned to Ms Luck and said “Ooh, it’s 1.30, shouldn’t you be at the Staines Astro helping the Blues out?” Lady Luck sighed and made an excuse about having some wardrobes delivered at 2.15 and lit another Marlboro.

Back at Staines now, and Adrian’s back went twang, leaving him very, very static up front. Next, Sid bowls over the cocky Banbury centre poke in our D. A flick was promptly given and converted and it looked like the game was getting away from us. This was compounded when Banbury hit our net again and then again not long after that, when another goal mouth scramble saw Gnasher stopping the ball on the line, then Vileda mopped it to a waiting Banbury player who, bowed in appreciation before hitting the backboards with it. Meanwhile, back in the pub, Lady Luck was having an argument with the Barman about change for the fag machine.

Short corners were being awarded against us now for clumsy challenges, feet and whatever else we could manage, at 5-1 we tried to limit the damage as best we could but there were just too may holes in our defence, like I said before, when Banbury attacked, they came through in numbers and although the likes of Alex had a great game, it wasn’t enough to ebb the flow of attacks. Gnasher had taken a pounding from the ball again, his Twiglett like legs, back to their former Marmitey glory. Tart had raced back from the front line, to see if he could help out at the back, but his only contribution was an off the ball moment when he pushed the Banbury cocky centre forward over, who rolled across the pitch in a most amusing fashion. Umpires fingers were wagged again so Tart slunk back up the pitch when he could do no more harm.

On the rare occasion that we did manage some up front manoeuvres, we didn’t look that bad. Although we couldn’t score from open play, we did manage to get back on the score sheet with a Mr Hudson short corner. 5-2. surely any points are too far gone now? A Staines purple patch ensued that saw the cocky ex-national league Banburyite get his marching orders when Tart once again came into contact with him, this time at the edge of their own D. Our purple patch lasted for 2 minutes and 38 seconds and ended when Banbury made their day’s tally 6.

11.46pm And Lady Luck is at the front of the snaky line at the “Queue and Spew” Kebab van, when she proclaims loudly “Wardrobes!” and disappears into the night in a puff of lettuce and rather suspect brown meat….

We were slaughtered, gutted, hung up, smoked and then devoured with a selection of seasonal vegetables and washed down with the finest wines purchased from our very own bar. Luck deserted us and we just weren’t good enough, so we paid the price. Big time.

MOM: Gnashers bruises were not enough to get him the shirt this week as Alex roared away with the title, with a very solid show at the back. (Oo-er! You need some Ex-lax for that mate)

DOD: I could have taken in this week for laying on the floor and refusing to get up and also kicking a loopy ball that felled Sidney like a rotten tree, but poor Farmer Dave takes it again!

Next week, I’m not about, so your match report will be brought to you by somebody who actually remembers at least a few details of the game and will not just make up stuff and nonsense.

PS, Oh, Simon, with regard to our conversation regarding Captain Beaky. His band consisted of the following:

Timid Toad, Reckless Rat, Artful Owl and Batty Bat. Hopefully a full night’s sleep is now on the cards for you……

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Ladies 2nd XI

We won. Baldie scored. I was going to leave it at that, but there's always a tale to tell with the Ladies 2s. This we week we were back on the campaign trail, but no 'pressing of the flesh' or 'televised debates' for us, oh no just a hard Wednesday night session with Coach Duncan was all we could afford!

Training was a wet and cold affair thanks to the rain and just to hammer home the point that we can't score for love nor money, Coach Duncan had yet another variation on the 'how to get a goal' theme. Still it worked, we scored on Saturday. Ok so it was just the one, but from little acorns and all that.

So this Saturday it was NPL at home and that meant a 9am meet. Coach Duncan has adopted this Bouncer like attitude to our meet time a sort of 'If yer name's not on the list you ain't comin' in' type of thing only with him it's 'If you're not here on time you may not start the game'. It's having the desired effect slowly but surely. Yvonne was there by 7.30am, and Ali and Oli at 8.50. With 9am fast approaching we made our way into the changing room for our team talk. There was a flurry of activity on the dot of 9am. Lizzy came flying through the door saying 'The 9am news was still on the radio so I'm not late', closely followed by the rest of the team, and last but not least Captain Lou who required urgent assistance from some tissues to allay her streaming cold. This was the result of having to travel to and from training on her moped in the pouring rain. She's too nice for her own good our Captain, fancy letting Colin borrow your car, what were you thinking???

Baldie announced just before 9am that if Duncan was going to go through with his threat then it was only 8 of us starting (unlucky girls)!!! So we were all ready and waiting, and where was Coach Duncan? sorting himself out with a mug of coffee…no don't worry about us coach we're ok thanks. The team talk this week was all about focussing and winning this game, no other result was acceptable. With no Fish this week we needed to re-work some of the positioning for our short corners. Duncan came up with a few scenarios including one involving Ellie……stunned silence from the team at that point we haven't got an Ellie in our team…….were we missing something ? Has Coach Duncan got an imaginary friend, or did he 'pull' the previous night? Answers on a postcard please.

This was always going to be a hard and physical game. NPL are deceptive, you never quite know what to expect with them. Helen White was playing Right Mid this week just remember 'Evil Twin' Hels and you'll be fine. We pressured the NPL defence from the off earning a short corner very quickly, but it was the same old story, the shot was on target but the ball refused to cross the line. There was as always some fine work from the mid-field particularly Lou and Suki, but we needed to try and work the ball out to the sides rather than continually down the middle. It started to work, and Baldie tirelessly harassed the NPL defence, but still the goals were eluding us.

Lou picked up the ball in mid-field and bulldozed her way through the NPL defence into the D, but still no goal. NPL made a few breaks into the D, but Abi was there to pick off their shots one by one. Half time and a stirring team talk from the coach and we were off again.

With versatility being important in the 2s, it was Debbie's turn to work her way through the mid-field and forward positions, and very good at it she was too. Our continued team work and hard effort finally paid of with a goal from Baldie. To be fair it was a team effort, the ball being played from Eryl to Yvonne, and then Suki, Lou, Debs, and the rest of the forward line until Baldie finally stuck it in the back of the net. Having got the goal we now attempted to increase our lead, but more importantly keep NPL out of the game.

Ali picked up the ball from an NPL free hit and started on a run from left to right and then towards the D (it's that direction thing again - no map), finally the ball went into the D andcame off a player into the net. Surely that's not 2-0 to Staines? There was much muttering from NPL and after the Umpires conferred it seemed that the ball had come off an NPL player-no goal, no problem…we're still 1-0 up! Ju, Lizzy and Baldie were all unlucky not to score; once again the ball hit the post or was cleared off the line by the keeper.

We had so many short corners (6 in the first half alone), but still no goal. Our routines are working and in any other given season the ball would be crossing the line every time.

NPL continued to press the defence, Baldie panicked momentarily when NPL started to make a break, but she relaxed once she saw Yvonne go in for the tackle, knowing that she'd come away with the ball. NPL had a couple of short corners and they threatened to score, but Coach Duncan's advice on defending came in handy and we cleared the ball out of the D. As always Eryl, Yvonne and Abi were excellent in defence.

Final score 1-0 to Staines, and 3 points in the bag thank you very much! We're currently 2nd in the league but there's still a long way to go, but it's all very encouraging. Man of the match this week was Debbie Hampton. Next week Teddington away. More goals please girls.

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI