Match Reports For Saturday 27th November Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

Staines took on top of the table Sevenoaks on saturday with confidence after a run of recent impressive results. However, the day certainly did not go in Staines' favour.

The game began with Staines looking to keep the Sevenoaks forwards at bay and twice in the opening minutes they went close to taking the lead. With Staines unable to keep hold of the ball for any period of time it was not long before Sevenoaks did take the lead when a deflection from a long ball wrong footed the Staines defence and in the ensuing scramble a penalty stroke was given away and successfully converted. Staines soon went 2-0 down through some more sloppy defending. For the rest of the half Staines began to have more of an impact on the game and created some chances themselves. Eventually, Staines scored with some good work down the left wing by Mark Hampton and from his cross Andy Evans nonchalantly chipped the Sevenoaks goalie to take the score to 2-1. With Sevenoaks feeling a bit of pressure from Staines for the rest of the half, the home side went in at half time break feeling that they could really push Sevenoaks during the second half.

With this in mind Staines came close to equalising right at the restart, when a cross from the left was deflected past the Sevenoaks keeper, but it was eventually scrambled away. With this chance gone the rest of the second half belonged to Sevenoaks with sloppy play again by Staines allowing Sevenoaks chance after chance. Unfortunately, they put these away to increase their lead to six, and with Mark Hampton grabbing a consolation goal for Staines, this left the final score 6-2 to the league leaders. With Staines licking their wounds they hope that they can reassert themselves with a trip down to mid table Bournemouth this coming saturday.

Mens 2nd XI

Not in the mood to wax lyrical about heroes and horses this week. Black Saturday descended over Staines this weekend as the Mens 1's got tonked, the Ladies 1's lost for the first time in centuries, Australia beat us twice, and the Mens 2's conspired to throw away a lead away at Epsom, going down 3-2 in a poor and scrappy game.

Not too many highlights to report I'm afraid. We started well, which is pleasing, and for the first 15 minutes it appeared that Staines would run away with it. We scored early after some neat interplay between the midfield and wingers, with Barry Thomas finishing off a neat move from close range. The short corners were flowing as Epsom couldn't contain our movement up front, but our usually ultra-reliable Shane & Lee were unable to find the target to increase our lead from set-plays. Skipper Watson mixed things up after 20 mins but this unfortunately shook our rhythm, letting Epsom back into the game and contributing to his DOD nomination. Bit harsh on Watson as it is always hard to know when to make changes, and is especially hard to do from the middle of the pitch, so any volunteers to help run the bench on Saturdays would be welcomed with open arms.

Epsom scored late in the first half from a short corner, leaving the teams level at half-time but Staines feeling hard done by following long periods of domination.

The second half followed our recent trend of promising not to get wound up by inept Umpires, then proceeding to lose our heads following a number of bad decisions, leaving the opposition free to capitalise on our lack of concentration. Saturday was a classic case as Staines went ahead following almost constant pressure on the Epsom defence. Griggs, Hart and Watson controlled the midfield, opening up space for JD to cause havoc down the wing, feeding Thomas with multiple chances on goal. But it was Jezza Gardien, family in tow, who again showed off to his unborn child by sticking one in the onion bag to give Staines a deserved 2-1 lead.

The curse of the Umpire then kicked in. For fear of editing I'll refrain from my usual expletives on their performance, but again Staines 2's came up against a level of Umpire that restricts us from playing the style of hockey which sees up top this league. Too many times was our quick thinking punished, and all too often did we then lose our cool, thus playing back into the oppos hands. Thus it happened on Saturday, and I for one look forward to next season and the level of officiating we are used to and deserve.

Back off my soapbox, the bare facts are that Epsom upped their game and scored two attractive breakaway goals to take victory. They deserve the 3 points for coping with the frustration of bad decisions better than us and for reacting positively to our obvious dropping of heads. Fair play to them also for acknowledging this. One of the nicer teams we'll play against this year..

So a 3-2 reverse away at a team now residing in 3rd place, so not the end of the world. Back at home we'd expect to take 3 points fairly comfortably and we look forward to exacting revenge eagerly. But ultimately it was our own inability to keep our cool that lost us this match, so revenge is probably not our best motivation.

Fines was subdued affair with only limited attendance (myself included) and as a result there was no obvious winners or losers. Except Watson, whose team turned on him and awarded DOD for poor decision making and Hero Bolton for a couple of goal line clearances. How short our memories are - was it not Bolton who almost decapitated Jerry's mum during 'warm-up cricket' and very narrowly avoided putting a ball through a BMW's window?

Honourable mentions go to Lee for the pre-match video on his mobile phone and to Tim & Sticky for pulling 15 birds down the club before taking them out for dinner in Richmond. Housewives favourites.

Tough game at Sevenoaks next week at home, but Staines clearly enjoy the home crowd more so expect fireworks as we look to set the record straight.

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

Another away game, another shortage of our key players. This week, we faced Aylesbury, a team who are 3rd in the league and a few points ahead of us. The drive was pleasantly short and we were playing at an RAF base on a very weird non sandy sand based astro, which proved to be really slippery and bouncier than a game of kiss chase in Hugh Hefner's mansion.

Sidney was still out, as was Barney and Gloria, so instead we had little Matt, The Stig and we forced Gnasher to play despite his problematic shins.

Colin was in as sweeper this week and Deano was guarding the middle with Mr Hudson, Toad and Alex assisting in the midfield chores.

The whistle was blown and it looks as though our formation was somewhat flawed. Poor old Colin was having a terrible time as sweeper and no matter what he did, it all went pear shaped. Hitting out was poor, passing was weak, but his finest attributes were his feet, as every time the ball came near, it hit at least one of his Astro boots resulting in numerous short corners and free hits to Aylesbury. Note to Mercian. You may consider the manufacture of “hockey clogs”, that way, when ball strikes foot, it at least makes the right noise. And I have your first customer already lined up….

The first half was really quite even, Aylesbury had their share of shorts and attacks on our goal, but we dealt with them is a most agreeable fashion, The Plumber showing us all how to tackle an opponent to death. One small lapse however resulted in a short corner where the ball was shot into the bottom left corner of our goal, past myself and The Stig, who had prematurely come forward from the post. Once again, no panic necessary as we were pretty sure that we would come good in the end. (We always think this and most times it works). So the big push began, we had Aylesbury camped solid in their half now, but couldn’t penetrate their goal. Their keeper was doing great things to keep us out, Alex had a run, one on one with him at one stage. The result? One skinned skipper and no goal to us! The Toad had a couple of seemingly easy conversions of balls that skidded across the face of the goal, we hit the post. Tart narrowly missed a good chance from Top D and Rich hit the side netting from short corners. It appeared that Ms Luck was blotto in the pub again. Oddly we managed to break two hockey balls in the first half, one splitting neatly down the middle causing Mr Hudson to rub his eyes furiously, thinking he was still drunk from the night before.

Second half and a much needed re-org meant that Dean dropped back as sweeper and the Stig was plopped into midfield to tear about as he tends to do, Alex dropping in his space at left back. Colin was ordered to the furthest place on the pitch away from the Staines goal, but had cleaned his act up by then and had a great second half. Richard had found some extra energy from somewhere and was playing a blinder and I reckon we had 80-90% of the play in the second half and only let Aylesbury out of their 25 yard area a couple of times to frighten us in defence. There was no way they would be getting on the score sheet again as we completely outplayed them in all areas except their defence as they continued to hold and each of our attacks were snubbed out. Twice more, we hit the post but we generally failed to hit the net time after time.

Meanwhile, high up above the astro turf pitch, one of the glider pilots reported that he could hear a grinding noise and demanded to be allowed to land immediately. This terrible noise was eventually traced to Gnasher’s shins, which judging by the grimace on his face when he ran, appeared to be self destructing in his socks. All this and he still hasn’t scored a goal in 10 years of hockey……

Finally we got our break when a Hudson short was deflected to Mr Toad, who bobbled it somehow far enough towards the Stig for him to flick it past the keeper. 1-1 and the clock was ticking, everyone had an excellent second half Dean was confident as sweeper, the Plumber again having a stonking game, Tart was playing well and getting Matt involved too again, Colin managed to find himself in the opponents D and almost re-directed a Tart screamer into the roof of the net. Time however, simply ran out on us this week before we could grab the winner. Shame really, but to be fair the Aylesbury defence was strong with some excellent marking and great keeping.

MOM: For services beyond the call, the Amish Plumber snatched the shirt from Richard and Monkey

DOD: Despite a second half return to form, Colin’s first half performance pipped the Toad’s poor conversion rate today. Well done Colin. If you win the blouse next week, you get to keep it.

Next week, a 4 o’ clocker at home against West Hampstead. Gnasher is out having his damaged legs wrapped in vinegar and brown paper, but Sidney returns along with a whole host of familiar faces. Hoorah!

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

The farmland of Purley

On Saturday morning at the ground
12 Staines ladies could be found
Getting themselves all ready to go
To farmland in Purley, bring your hoe
First blunder went to Sue
Forgotten shirt, No 24 will do
smEllie arrived in a flap
Straight hair, how did she do that?
Cars loaded and ready, Shay in the lead
Turn the corner, A30 Ollie did not heed
"We're right behind you" she confidently said
But Clockhouse Lane! You're mad in the head
In the car with Audrey, Mother Hen
Learn about Alzheimer's and Morris Men
Her Great Aunt in Oak Grove in 1959
Lily Savage Show, now that's a fine
Then it was time to have stories from Mel
Ballet and sausage fingers, is she well?
But where was Ollie, we could not see
Phone call received, Chandler having a pee
At last we arrived at the farmland of Purley
Top of the league clash, they looked burly
The whistle blew and the game had started
Staines full steam, Purley looked startled
Near miss and then a goal,
Come on Staines, you've got soul
26 minutes and a Purley corner
Deflection top left, 1-1 groan...er
Then Purley took the lead
Corner in right, just missed Strud's head (pronounced heed...Scottish)
But Mighty Staines pulled it back
2-2 via Audrey, Purley take that
Unfortunately today it was not to be
Corner for Purley made it three
Final whistle went, just call us Arsenal
Return match Purley, we'll be out to kill
And so the Staines troopers went in for their teas
Cold showers and soup, how much are Purley's fees?
Returning to civilisation in the Staines Fortress
Black armbands was the code of dress
A session in South Ealing will do the trick
Cider, wine, port and noodles..no-one was sick
And so on Sunday, bit of footie that's cool
Bloody hell, Arsenal lost to Liverpool
But more like Chelsea the ladies will be
Bring on Saturday Sunbury, you'll see.

Written by CKK with love xoxoxo




P.S. Doris of the Day : Ollie
Joint Snatch of the Match : Anna, Sue and Yvonne

Ladies 2nd XI

Following our outstanding performance last Saturday, Coach Duncan was expecting more of the same. This week it was Hampstead & Westminster. Last season we were there during the RugbyWorld Cup Final, we had a disaster and lost 4-2 so time to bury a few demons.

You just knew it was going to be one of those days. The journey there was pants! The world and his wife were on the A40 - you can't all be going Christmas shopping, it's not December until Wednesday for goodness sake.

We arrived somewhat fraught, and in dribs and drabs thanks to the traffic. Coach Duncan rounded us up into the changing room, and delivered the starting line-up, Abi in goal, Alison, Eryl & Debs at the back……..suddenly a little voice (Fish) piped up 'Who's Alison?'…..err Hellooooooooo I may not be vocal on the pitch but I have been playing behind you all season………..maybe I'm a Hologram ? Coach Duncan continued, but it was getting really hot in there and Ez had to reach for a sick bag, she was feeling genuinely unwell nothing to do with Coach Duncan at all - honest.

The game got under way, and HW came at us like a train, and we lost the plot. So much for burying those demons. A catalogue of errors and we were 2-0 down. Complete nightmare, Coach Duncan was pacing on the sideline….you just knew we were in trouble. Our first half performance isn't really worth recording, and Coach Duncan's half-time talk isn't printable, but it was along the following lines: 'If I offend anyone I'm not apologising. You are woeful. Your attitude is all wrong start taking it seriously. If you don't do what I say, I'm not going to waste my time with you. I'll go with the Mens 2s. Now get out there and sort it out'.

So that was all pretty clear then, the second half saw a more disciplined approach. We were still getting to grips with the water based pitch, but we were finally working together. Short passes were working, and it wasn't long before Baldie delivered a much needed goal. This was just what we needed.

Lizzy, Baldie and Ju were making some inspired runs into HW's D putting their defence under pressure. With Coach Duncan shouting encouragement from the sideline, we regained our confidence. The mid field worked hard, and kept the pressure on HW. They got the ball to Baldie who slotted it past the keeper to draw the scores level.

We had to work hard for the last 20mins, and we looked like we could score again. HW were equally determined to come back at us, and the Staines defence were constantly kept under pressure.

Meanwhile back in the HW defence, Baldie was there again to put the ball into the back of the net from an impossible angle. 3-2 to us, and all we had to do was hang on for 5mins. Easier said than done, and HW hammered in a goal from open play. Final result 3-3.

We were gutted to come back from 2-0 down to lead 3-2 and then to have it snatched away in the dying moments. But we have proved to ourselves that we can bounce back.

Coach Duncan please can we have our telling off before we start the game next week? it seems to do the trick.

Ladies 3rd XI

Bright early start, Tim coaching today. All meet in changing room, as very cold outside.

A few comments fly around the room, has coach ever seen Bridget Jones ones before. We were very modest and spared his blushes. Ready to start warm up but how many do we have, 13? No 12, Lizzy had a call up back to the 2nd XI this week, which meant left forward position vacant. Burkie made executive decision and advised Jeanette will play left forward.

Coach adapted warm to suit our level, toned down slightly. Great start to the game, Staines had majority of possession,working ball around backs, midfield and then into the forwards. Won a couple on short corners early on and Claire M managed to convert one. Pushed out by Julie P to Kate with a short slip to Claire M to riffle home. Staines 1 - 0 Ashford. Staines again working hard all round, defence keeping Ashford a bay with a clearance of the line. We've started to put into play triangles worked on in training with Adam. Unlucky to concede a goal from short corner to finish the first half 1 - 1.

Staines came out strong in the second half and won numerous short corners, not sure how many, too many to count, but unable to convert. Ashford caught us on the break and managed to score 1 - 2. Our heads didn't drop and we continued with our game. A shot stopped just on the line by a foot and a penalty flick given. Captain asked for volunteers and everyone volunteered Kath. Kath took on the challenged, beat the keeper but not the post, very unlucky but good try. Ashford scored again to make the final score 1 - 3.

Overall a very good team effort all round.

MOM: Jeanette as a forward!

Doris: Kath (a difficult one to call this week as everyone had a good game and no major errors, Kath was the easy option, a bit harsh though.)

Next, Xmas night out - Ice Skating Kew Botanical Gardens. Great night out, only two people fell over, one of the men and someone in a tiara. Ice skating and tiaras don't mix. P had a great view from the sideline and couldn't believe how good we were. All managed to complete at least one lap each. Kath and Kate fasted lap 45 seconds, not bad. A few retired early but we had a relay race, not sure who won, but Linda thought the oppo didn't take the correct route, so call it a draw. We dazzled the crowd with our diamantes and CJ looked the part in her gold glitter leg warmers. The evening finished in Richmond with a quiet meal and a couple of drinks.

Ladies 4th XI

Well we all think the score speaks for itself!! A great win 4-1!!! Our drive for promotion has started again with avengence.

After a bit of a slow start while everyone found their feet and adjusted to our new formation we were soon full force in attack completely all over the opposition.

Our attackers were making great runs with Vikkie, really fitting into the position as centre forward, supporting Ellie and Kerry's strong runs down the wings. As usual Tanya and Michelle gave their calm and collected reinforcement from the midfield.

The first goal was not long in coming. A strong drive by Helen down the right side put a good solid cross into the D and Kerry was able to ensure a sweeping hit got us off the mark in style 1-0.

Eastcote tried to force a few breaks down the right hand side but Jana and Emma had their tackling down to an art and closed down their advances with ease. Karen also made some great saves that ensured Eastcote strikers just could not get the ball past her.

Just before half time Tanya intercepted the ball in the centre and made a great run down the pitch. Vikkie, in support, received the ball and converted a strong shot from the edge of the D .. 2-0 .. we were storming!!!

Good half time chat and nice to enjoy some oranges this week (not mentioning any names about who left them in the club house the last time!)

Eastcote started the second half well and put our defence under pressure from the off. A short corner left our attackers hoping the defence could hang on and not give Eastcote any room for a come back. Fast spiriting by Caroline and a great save by Karen quickly put us back on the offensive. Heather continued her fantastic strong hit outs with good vision seeing Kerry free on the left wing. Kerry and Michelle's quick passing up the left resulted in Michelle driving in third goal … 3-0!! Now we really were storming!

Eastcote retaliated with a run down the wing but Kath in defence soon put a stop to that with a strong tackle and a pass to Michelle to clear the danger. Michelle quickly found Tanya who weaved through the Eastcote players with ease to give Vikkie the ball with a clear run on goal … 4-0 .. fantastic!!!

Both teams were tiring a little now and Eastcote make one last attempt on goal with a strong break. The defence made a quick attempt to re-group but Eastcote had caught us on the back foot and the ball rolled over the line .. 1-4. Well thought best to at least give them a consolation goal!

Thanks to Adam and Tim - shooting and game practice at training is certainly paying off!!!!

MOM - Karen for all those great saves!!
Well done to Jana too for a fantastic debut performance.
DOD - Vikkie for changing my votes!! Tee hee!!