Match Reports For Saturday 11th December Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

In the last league game before the Christmas break, Staines were at home to mid table Fareham and ended up going down 6-4.

Staines started dreadfully, Fareham pushed forward and put the Staines defence under pressure from the off and were rewarded with a 2-0 lead within fifteen minutes. Staines were stunned by this and it took Neil Toulson to address the situation and take the game to Fareham. Firstly, he received a pass just inside the Fareham half, before going on a mazy run through the Fareham defence and slotting the ball comfortably past the goalkeeper. This lifted Staines and they began to take control of the game and soon Toulson slotted his and Staines' second from a hard cross by Stuart Hall. With Staines still pushing for another goal the game was fairly open with both sides having chances to take the lead before half time, but none were taken.

Into the second half and Staines were looking for a goal to put the pressure on Fareham, but it was the visitors who scored first to put themselves 3-2 ahead. Immediately Staines responded, working the ball up into the Fareham circle where a penalty corner was won and converted by James Chapman. The game continued with both sides having chances but it was Fareham who closed the game out converting a dubious penalty stroke and with Staines pushing
forwards for the equaliser, they knocked in two breakaway goals for a 6-3 lead. With no time left on the clock Staines scored a consolation through Jeremy Derrick after good work down the right flank opened up the Fareham defence
for a simple tap in.

A 6-4 loss was not the result that Staines were looking for going into the Christmas break and it was very disappointing. However, Staines will be looking to improve in the second half of the season starting with a tough
game against Chichester on January 8th.

Mens 2nd XI

It was near-top versus near-bottom for Staines at Henley on Saturday, but Staines made hard work of what should have been a comfortable 3 points and a chance to boost our already impressive goal difference.

Despite relying on other results going our way (they didn't), Skipper Watson demanded no mercy as we looked to regain top spot for Xmas. But things didn't go to plan as Henley took a shock early lead with their first venture into the Staines half. After 5 mins of persistent Staines pressure on the oppos goal, Henley scored a breakaway goal that left Staines bewildered. To be a goal down after so much advantage could have shaken Staines, but luckily the team remained composed and got back into the attacking stuff almost immediately. Great work down the right from Chairman Horan ensured plenty of attacking action for Thomas and Dodwell, with both going close early on. Short corners started to flow but it was from open play that Griggs scored the equaliser after some neat work inside the D and a squeezed shot leaving the goalkeeper stranded.

This spurred the midfield trio of Watson, Hart and Griggs to press the Henley defence, and it was from one of the many 1st-half short corners that Big Daddy Gardien struck home to take the lead for Staines. The midfield and attack were now rampant, with Thomas going close on two occasions. But as he can't shoot for toffee, he took it apon himself to try passing inside the D, with immediate effect. A fantastic move involving Lee on the right and Thomas in the middle saw Adam Hart score his second for PTOTY, as Thomas rounded the keeper, hit the line and dropped it back neatly for Hart to sweep into an open goal. It could have been more had Chairman Horan's goal not been disallowed for being "taken too quickly", despite the Ump giving The Chairman the nod to go. When did Horan last do something quickly?? Let's just say Mrs Horan doesn't complain, and so shouldn't The Ump. But 3-1 up at half time and Staines were flying.

Staines could smell blood and the half time talk reflected that. Unfortunately we let our confidence/arrogance get the better of us and let Henley back into the game. Staines pressed well and continued to provide opportunity after opportunity for our forwards and midfield, with Hart in particular having a blinder. But some selfish work inside the D combined with some dubious officiating saw Staines fail to hit the net until late on. In the meantime, Henley took their chances well, particularly as they were offered on a plate. Won't name offenders, but they know who they are. Besides, they are powerful folk with the authority to fine. Nuff said.

So pegged back to 3-3, it was beginning to feel like one of those days. We had a goal disallowed as The Umpire awarded a short corner AFTER the ball had crossed the line. Shocking. But both teams were on warnings for giving him a hard time, so our arguments were muted. We should be proud though that Staines stuck to the task and went looking for the winner, and apart from the odd scary breakaway by Henley, Staines set up camp in their half and the short corners began to mount up. With just a few minutes to go, Staines were awarded 4 successive short corners. Big Daddy Gardien had a couple of goes but found a foot both times. Lee then stepped up and again hit a foot. But call of the day goes to Dodwell, who on seeing that sandy state of the pitch and the speed of their no. 1 runner, suggested to Lee that he dummy the first guy and drag flick from closer in. With just a minute to go, Lee showed remarkable composure as he carried out JD's orde!rs, beat the first guy and roofed the flick past the keeper. To be fair, the guy had logged about 10 minutes ago, but it was still a great finish from Lee.

So 4-3 it finished, with a relieved rather than pleased Skipper Watson. We'd showed early promise, but then inexplicably let Henley back into the game. We were missing Shane, but Big Daddy had a great game, so can't blame him. One Ump was a bit ropey but not as bad a previous weeks. So maybe it was our lack of composure in the D or the early Xmas pressies we gave their attackers? Whatever it was, it was a narrow escape against a low placed team, and it must be improved on in the New Year. But we stayed focus, did our job and walked away with 3 points. It'll do. Just.

MOM was a bit of a landslide. Big Daddy & Griggs both got votes for goals and leg-work, and Lee (of course) for THAT flick. But it went to Sticky Hart for an awesome show on the left. Scored a cracker, up and down the pitch like a train, nipped in and stole the ball too many times to count. Best I've seen him play for months. PTOTY obviously agrees with him.

DOD was a sham, of a mockery, of a sham. Votes were evenly spread, with Chairman Horan looking favourite to take the honours for 'festive passing'. But Skipper Watson won it thanks to multiple mystery (blank) votes. Dunno whether Horan offered or Watson pleaded, but Horan accepted the DOD crown on Watson's behalf.

No game next week, but fitness is essential for all but a few in the team. We're 2nd going into Xmas, but Watson wont accept anything other than 1st come season end. So go easy on the mince pies boys. Eastcote away on the 8th Jan. Not easy.

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

Oooooooh me ‘ead.

I was a little disorientated when I arrived at Staines at some godforsaken hour on Saturday Morning. Slowly, everyone turned up, the last being Chubby Jezza, who was unable to play for the 3’s this week as their late game clashed with some eating he was planning later that day.

The trip to Oxford for me at least consisted of turning the heater up and down in the Tart’s car to stop myself from feeling sick. Eventually I found a setting that didn’t make me nauseous just as we pulled into the grounds where the Astro pitch lay. Trying to park near the astro was a bit tricky and saw us driving around the College for 10 minutes whilst we marvelled at their very own, on site golf course, wicked old buildings, rugby pitches and get this, their own artillery piece!!! We just hoped that the early meet time would have meant that the Notcutts sniper would still be in bed, as I know he would have loved taking pot shots at Jezza with it.

The pitch itself was eventually found and we all ambled towards it and got ready for action.

The game started and immediately, with a very well worked move, City of Oxford broke into our D and scored a very back-stick goal. Our pleas to Alec, our Umpire were about to go unheeded as he awarded a goal, when the Oxford scorer owned up that he had used the wrong side of his stick, our blushes were spared. It certainly woke a few of us up though.

The next 15 minutes were pretty equal, both teams battled hard until we managed to break the deadline with a Chubby Jezza short corner goal. Bravo! Not long afterwards though, a huge bang was heard just as Chubby raised his stick to tonk the ball up front he was flattened with a round from the Howitzer in the car park.

The sniper had arrived!

More bad news for us when Oxford won a short corner and the resulting shot, Sid just managed to stop on the line, unfortunately the spin got the better of him and the ball ended up in our net! Oh well, 1-1 and back to the drawing board. It has to be mentioned that the game, by now, was starting to get really scrappy and niggly too. Both teams were charging in with clumsy stick tackles and were shouting, not at each other, but at themselves and sometimes, the Umpires.

In another short corner mêlée we once again managed to get our snouts in front with a Tart backboard breaker. 2-1 to Staines, but things were getting worse. On the whole, we were doing a lot of good things on the pitch, it was our passing and off the ball running that needed slight adjustment. Defensively, we were very solid until Oxford changed their formation which meant that, although Tart had plenty of space up front, their centre back pushed further and further up. Confusion reigned as this guy got to wander around our D, either marked by Sid, who was supposed to be sweeping, or he was completely unmarked. At this moment, Jeremy’s ears packed up and he wouldn’t respond to any calls to mark this guy, no matter how hard we shouted at him.

And tempers were starting to flare again in both camps…….

Half time and we were all told off once again for our continual complaining about decisions and warned that people would start going off if it continued. We all agreed that Oxford were more wound up than we were and that we should face an easier half when no doubt half of their team would end up as spectators…..

And so Dean got his marching orders on a yellow. Accused of pushing a poor, defenseless Oxford player over, he contested the decision hotly, until eventually, head down, he slowly made his way off the pitch, sobbing to himself that no, he didn’t push him, the Umpire was wrong, he went over my leg. I had the ball you know. I really didn’t push him….. A scene much reminiscent of a Gollum/Smeagol argument.

Another Oxford short corner and it was Colin’s turn to get his knickers in a twist on the goal line, when the clearance he was about to make, ended up as a P-flick against us. Oh dear.

Surely, I thought, I must save at least one P-flick this season. Alas I didn’t and in fairness, my Granny could have stopped it, by simply standing still, as it was very weak and straight down the middle. I must check her availability for the rest of the season’s games.

So it was 2-2 and one of the Oxford players realizes that simply shouting at the Umpires will not do. Oh no. It started when one of the Oxford forwards had a decision blown against him. Now if the decision was wrong, then OK, that happens, it happens to us all, but this guy went potty and began being abusive to Alec. So Alec sent him packing. The game restarted and carried on in an even scrappier manner till another Oxford boy got his marching orders. And so we faced 9 men for a little while as Deano had been allowed out of the sin bin. This was the cue for our passing to get worse and many times members of our team made runs with the ball when a simple pass would have been the easier and more effective option. Barney at one stage had most of the Staines team doing Rocky Balboa impressions screaming for the ball. “ADRIAN!!!! ADRIIIIIIAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!” was the cry, dispossession and Oxford counter attacks were the replies. Our whole attack from Midfield was very scrappy as we pushed more and more players into their half, but to no avail. The only good thing to come from this was that it stopped their centre back from acting as a centre forward, so things quietened down at the back.

Tart at one stage stumbled on the edge of the home teams 25 yard line and collapsed on top of one of their defenders. For some reason neither of them got up very quickly, they just seemed to writhe on the floor for a while, locked together…..

Not quite sure what that was all about, but just before the game, Martin had proclaimed that he was the only gay in his village………

And then the game turned really sour.

OK, a good tussle on pitch is one thing, but what happened next was nothing short of disgraceful.

Alec beckoned back on the player who had only been off for about 5 minutes. The other guy, stood in the corner of the pitch who went off first, clearly hadn’t calmed down as he was still giving verbal. The Umpires came together to discuss this and were both of the opinion that this guy needed to cool off some more. Meanwhile, the game re-started, but stopped soon afterwards as the sidelined player who had been off for a good 15 minutes by now, blew his lid sky high. Verbal abuse wasn’t getting him anywhere, so he thought (if he was thinking at all by this stage) that threats of physical violence and death directed at the Umpires (and their families) may get him invited to Christmas dinner. Wrong. The following display was the worst I’ve seen in a game of hockey in the 14 or so years I’ve been playing the game.

Of course a red card had to be shown and it took the Oxford Goalie and Skipper to restrain this bloke, who in my opinion, shouldn’t be allowed near a hockey pitch ever again. Where this goes from here is a matter for the H.A. and possibly even the Old Bill as what was said was that bad.

So the game stopped for some time and the restart saw the game peter out. We had a last minute short corner that we muffed and so the game ended a 2-2 draw. Not that anyone by this stage really cared….

We went back to Oxfords club house at the University, but the bar was shut and there was no food. Thanks. No really, Thanks a bunch. So we headed back to Staines with tummies rumbling but a cunning plan up our sleeves, Alex would stop at the “Golden Grill” to get us Kebabs and we would go back to the club to get the beers in. We even sang “Will it be chips or jacket spuds – I hope it’s chips, it’s chips” on the way home and when our beloved Captain finally did arrive, he had KFC with him!!! Sigh.

Perhaps Sidney Patel, if the Golden Grill will not come to you, then you must go to it….

MOM: Votes would be spread between Gnasher for his bravery in running about on his legs, when he should really consider getting them cut off and replaced with Bread sticks as that would be a much stronger arrangement. Mart the Tart has his usual strong game with tireless running, but Sid managed to deny the Tart (again) to get the honours for some really good, long passing and tackling.

DOD: The Toad was the scapegoat this week, some say for a bit of headless activity in the middle, but I think it was for his short corner pushing out which has a new, unusual adage.

You know the current trend in these reality and talent shows where the host get to boot people off the programme and be real arseholes about it by saying

“And the next person to leave Big Brother/I’m a celebrity/X factor is ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..(are you still with me?) …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… then they finally say who’s got the chop a nanosecond before the poor sods succumb to the tension and top themselves.

Well, Simon has added this lengthy pause into his short corner push outs.

And nobody knows why…….

That’s it for this year. Hope you all have a great Chrimbo if I don’t see you and if I do see you, mine’s a pint of Fosters please and make sure there’s a brolly in it.

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

With the league programme over until after Xmas we had a mighty fine game against a very experienced Teddington 6th XI on Sat - the final outcome being a 5-5 draw. Exceptionally we had several players unavailable from the regular 6th XI squad and had to borrow a few 7th XI players.

Particular performances of note go to Tim Dare who showed great composure and positioning to score twice, and Luke Boardman who scored his 1st ever goal in senior hockey - converting a one-on-one with the keeper by dribbling it round him and calmly pushing it home. Add further goals from Greg Lyle and Andy Bromley and we turned over a 2-3 half-time scoreline to a 5-3 lead midway through the 2nd half. Unfortunately Teddington stopped arguing with each other, and as our kids tired they took control, scored to make it 5-4 and then Matt Bromley pulled off some fine saves to keep it that way until the very last minute when they forced an equaliser. Other honourable mentions go to Matt Brown and James Stokes who put in excellent performances at fullback.

This was a fantastic result when you consided that we only had Martin, Gordon and Greg over the age of 17 !!

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Ladies 2nd XI

Once upon a time there were 13 Ladies who lacked purpose and direction to their Saturday afternoons. One man took them away from all that and now they work for him. His name is Coach Duncan. OK so Charlie's Angels we ain't but Duncan's Girls we most definitely are!

This week was the biggest game of the season for us. Harrow at home. You will remember that they hammered us at the start of the season, a game we were all keen to forget. The build up hadn't gone too well. Training on Wednesday wasn't the best. Someone had forgotten to feed the 'leccy meter', and the astro lights died before we'd even had a chance to warm up. Quick girls go through your pockets for any shrapnel, 10ps, 5ps anything to get those lights back on. Light was finally restored and training got underway. Lots of tactical stuff this week, and lots of defensive work. Ali seemed to have a magnetic force field around her that attracted the ball to almost any part of her except the stick in her hand, so when the lights went out for a second time she breathed a huge sigh of relief, v tired of being hit. Perish the thought that we might have been let off early for good behaviour, oh no Coach Duncan hauled us into the changing rooms for a blackboard session. All fine except for the fact that the pens ran out, no excuse for us not to comprehend what Coach Duncan was saying. Just coz the pen marks weren't visible on the whiteboard didn't mean that we couldn't follow what he was talking about. You have to be versatile in the 2s not only on the pitch but also with your imagination!

So Saturday arrived, and it was 1.30 in the changing rooms ready to go. That was all ok except for the fact that the previous game was running late, a knock on effect from the foggy start, and the tension was starting to build. Coach Duncan had a 'moment' on the sideline with the Ump from the Mens 1s game. Not sure what transpired, but suspect there was an element of 'Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough' about the situation.

So come 2pm we were all ready and waiting for Coach Duncan. He delivered a very positive and encouraging team talk. Listen to what I'm telling you girls, it will only work if you do what I tell you. You are all good hockey players, go out there be confident in yourselves and those around you. Ali and Yvonne, you know what you are doing at the back, don't dive in wait for them to make a mistake. Let's go girls.

This week Captain Forgetful had set off to the game minus her astro's, and had to turn back to get them. I still can't believe she admits to it each week. She offered no explanation for her purple knickers though.

So from the off we were a different team, finally everything Coach Duncan had been teaching us was kicking in. You had to be there to appreciate it, think we astounded ourselves. The short passes were working like a dream, having passed the ball we were there to receive the pass back if necessary. We were all working hard. Lizzy was making some outstanding moves on the forward line. She's like a terrier once she gets hold of that ball. Fish was battling hard at mid field, while Ju and Suki worked that left wing hard, getting away from the defenders and passing the ball into the D. We earnt short corners, and everything was coming together, Hels' pushing was fab, Ali stopped and Ez struck the ball, the only thing to get in the way was the keeper !! Don't you just hate it when that happens.

Whatever Harrow threw at us, we chucked it straight back. Abi was brilliant in goal as ever. Try as they might Harrow just couldn't score. Yvonne and Ez cut out everything at the back, Oli's tackling was awesome, and Suzi & Lou worked tirelessly in the mid field. In the dying minutes of the first half. Harrow earnt a short corner, we kept it out only for Colin to award another one, and then another. We kept everything out except for the final shot from Harrow which somehow snuck past us all. S***, B***** and any other expletive you can think of.

Half time team talk and Coach Duncan was pleased with our performance, we couldn't help but feel that we didn't deserve to be 1-0 down. In fact no dammit we didn't deserve that, and we weren't going to let that score stand, we were going out there in the second half to sort it out.

Boy did we kick some a** in the second half. Slick passing, grim determination and brute force were there for all to see. Debbie bulldozed her way around the park. All that hard work finally paid off when Lizzy played a great ball to Fish who ran the ball into the corner and crossed it to Helen White who smacked it into the D. Lots of cheering and whooping around the pitch. It was no more than we deserved. We were not going to let Harrow get away with a win this week. We kept battling to the end and the final score was 1-1. We took a point from Harrow and we go into the Christmas break still in there with a chance. Coach Duncan was pleased, in fact we managed to make him cry! He said we had come of age as hockey players. Think we all felt that to.

Whilst we had been out there showing Harrow that they couldn't have everything their way, Santa had delivered lots of pressies to Staines HC. Hels F got a hangover cure set, which to be fair she could have done with at 9am on Saturday! Captain Forgetful got an adult version of 'Pin the tail on the Donkey'…hours of fun for all the family. As for me I got 'The writers Block' with 786 ideas to jump-start my imagination, the possibilities are now endless. For instance did you know that 'Triskaidekaphobia' is the fear of the number 13? Well that's my shirt number so you all need to be very afraid of me!!!

Coach Duncan was suitably pleased with us and got all dressed up for his black tie event. He looked very dapper, until he turned round to show the blond stripe in his hair and then he resembled a badger.. meant it in a caring way love you really coach !!!

For all of you going away skiing for the Christmas festivities, please don't break anything. Match report writer will not be skiing but skating instead. In an effort not to be outdone by my daughter I will be practising around the house by strapping a couple of tin trays to my feet!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Ladies 3rd XI

This week, Kate was on a mission to prove that it wasn’t “all about” her by selflessly rearranging her social life to join us on our (early-yawn) morning trip to Hampstead & Westminster. She almost managed it too, but does constantly reminding us how much of a team player she was amount to mission failure? Her sponging student crown was stolen this week by Tracey who, in a student-days relapse, turned up without money to pay subs or any cards to put petrol in her car. Between us I think we had three 2 seater cars – we must recruit more players with people carriers for next season. Transport finally sorted, we arrived (after some unique navigating in Linda’s car!) in freezing-cold wintry-sunny London. We thought we might end up playing ice hockey, our flawless skating at Kew a couple of weeks ago proving that we would be more than capable, but the water based pitch turned out not to be frozen so we started our warm up which was definitely needed!

The first twenty minutes were good, with some nice passing across and up the field but we didn’t manage to convert the pushes forward into a goal. H&W are top of our league and it began to show as toward the end of the first half we didn’t so much get worse as they picked their game up. Good defensive work couldn’t stop it being 0-2 to them at half time.

I don’t know what happened in the second half, as the defence and midfield were pressured and worked hard under a barrage of attacks from H&W whilst also trying to capitalise on the breaks that did fall to us. Our forwards had a few short corners, but the goal continued to be elusive, whilst H&W scored our share to make the final result 0-7 which doesn’t do justice to our performance.

My personal player of day goes to Helen for coming to find me in the café after the game just before everybody drove off without me, but the journey home, including pulling faces and shouting at London drivers (seriously, why why why do you need a BMW/Mercedes/Porsche 4x4 in central London? I mean, the speed bumps aren’t that big and you can just as easily knock traffic wardens over in something that doesn’t look like it should have a starring role in a cross between Footballers Wives and Emmerdale Farm) passed without incident. We’ll not mention the navigating in Linda’s car…again….ok, we will!

Special mention goes to Helen, Heather, Becky and Vikki who played v well with us this week (you were all faaaabulous, thank you) and congratulations to the entire team for not being distracted by strange men on the sidelines, including a few in lycra doing yoga (Tim and Adam – thought you couldn’t make it to watch us?)! Congrats also to Kate, who survived the game without being injured which her mum has got to be happy with.

Player of match to Julie P for being absolutely everywhere, including flat out on the goal line saving a H&W shot at one point – missing being in goal J?

Ladies 4th XI

Glorious 4's vs Amersham

It was early.
It was cold.
It was foggy.
It was just a friendly.
It was 2-1 to Amersham.

Congrats to Ellie for finally striking in between the posts-great goal! Well done Kath for one tremendous save.
Heather thanks for taking the bull by the hands (volunteering as captain) while Helen was absent!
And lastly a very Merry Christmas to you all!