Match Reports For Saturday 12th February Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

Mens 2nd XI

First off, an apology for denying fans of the PTOTY their weekly fix. Work commitments took me away for a couple of weeks, and in my absence I forgot to teach anyone else how to write. So you missed a review of the 10-0 romp against Gore Court, and the 3-2 defeat to local rivals Barnes. But you can assume the following: Robbie didn't score (but got engaged), Barry didn't pass to Andy, Anton didn't have a shot, Bolton was a legend, JD sowed his oats.

So on to Mid Sussex and a tale of revenge. If you trawl through the archives you'll see the report from our earlier encounter with these guys, and you'll understand why we were pumped up for this one. No umpire was going to get in the way of us exacting revenge, and 5-0 up by half time was testament to our determination to right a few wrongs.

Coach Duncan started with a strong line up, and within minutes PTOTY had taken control and were peppering the oppos goal, with their keeper pulling off some great saves in the opening exchanges. But it was just a few minutes in when a rejuvenated Mad Monk Thomas finished off a great move involving Truman and Nurse Evans to roof the opener past a stranded keeper. Great goal.

Please forgive any inaccuracies now as I try to recall what happened next. Another four goals flew in before half time, so it's hard to keep track. JD bagged a couple but can't remember how. Sure they were great though. I do remember Nurse Evans scoring a very neat one after a superb pass (at last) from Bazza. I think they hugged. Lee scored a corker and was praised highly by Coach Duncan following a passing move that involved the majority of the team and was finished off with some style as Lee rounded the keeper and scored from a tight angle. Very classy. But the goal of the half came from Husband Beno. Following a blistering run down the right wing (that's right, blistering...), Beno drove into the D unopposed before deftly beating the keeper at the near post to score the first of his hat-trick for the afternoon. Good job too as he had THE ENTIRE forward line screaming for the ball when he shot from a tight angle. Lucky boy.

So 5-0 at half time and a reasonably upbeat team talk from Coach Duncan, which worked wonders as the PTOTY restarted the second half and promptly gave away 3 of the weakest goals you'll see to give the oppo a sniff. Beno was on fire as he completed his hat-trick with TWO own goals, but his first half goal saved his ass come DOD voting. So at 5-3 a lesser team may have got nervous, but PTOTY grew weary of these fun and games and scored a further 3 to seal the game. Matt Truman bagged a great poachers goal following great work in the D by MOM wannabee JD, and Lee completed his hat-trick with a couple more from open play. MOM form there for sure.

The only downer to this comprehensive victory was a nasty injury to the legend Bolton, who took a ball to the temple from very close range. Amazingly he played on but felt worse for wear after the game and had to be taken to hospital. We promised the lad from Mid-Sussex an update, and he'll be glad to hear Bolton recovered well. Plus, he received a few DOD votes for 'excessive dribbling' after the game, so all is not lost. Special mention to Nurse Evans for patching up Bolton until the paramedics arrived. Good lad.

MOM & DOD was an downbeat affair as we waited on news from the hospital, but we were still sharp enough to shaft Coach Duncan. DOD came down to a Griggs .v. Foster vote-off, but excessive complaining in the dying seconds by Foster ensured a resounding victory for the Coach. Schoolboy.

MOM was very close, with Stukka (making his 2005 PTOTY debut, and playing a blinder), Lee (Hat-trick) and Barry (welcome back) all sharing the lead. Rather than a vote-off, the PTOTY elected to choose Stukka as MOM, primarily for sticking around in the bar after the game. But he played great and we hope he sticks around. MOM .v. DOD drink-off was close. Think Dougy just edged it, but as both used the incorrect drinking hand (as caught on video), both will have to try again on Saturday. 2nd Schoolboy for Coach Duncan.

It's getting tight at the top for the PTOTY. Slipping up against Barnes was careless, so victories away at Sevenoaks and at home to Epsom are essential to ensure promotion. Away at Trojans next week, where we expect a tight game, but we need full support in the upcoming home games so we hope to see you there.

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Chris’s barmy army carried on their hockey roll caster to take on Cheam, but little did they know Dr Lecture lived here.

The Game got off to a pacy start with both teams testing each other out. The defence of Mat, Gordie and Andy held solid, (for once the kids were on Andy’s side). The defence of Martin and John held the attacks of Cheam at bay. Staines nearly carved an opening with Neil and Dougie, but the Cheam defence stood a strong. Staines kept Cheam under control for most of the game, but Cheam broke through just once to slot the ball into the Staines goal for a 1-0 lead and Mat for once could not make the save.

Staines then came straight back at Cheam and got a short corner. From the shortie Kish fired at the goal the keeper, who parried to Chris, who would of scored if it had not been for a big foot of Cheam. “Big foot” shouted Chris; “No I’m am homer” replied the Cheam umpire.

It’s at this point that one should point out that the Staines were Tom Dicked and Harryied by the Cheam umpire. In other words the Tom part of the brain that provides sight, saw the ball hit the Cheam foot. The Dicked part of the brain heard the ball hit the Cheam foot, but the Harry part of the brain that provides reaction was dumb, thus could not provide any reaction at all.

The half time bell rang and Staines rallied once again for the big push. Staines mounted attack after attack and spent a large portion of the half in Cheams ‘D’, but it was not to be, unfortunately another unlucky defeat for Staines.

Afterwards Staines were invited back to club house for some invisible teas . The Staines team assembled in the Cheam bar. Staines were then pampered with Cheams strongest ale, no not water but air and loads of it. Cheam started on the beers making sure the Cheam team had their refreshments. Staines were then pampered again with quality air food, the sort of food you can eat and eat and not get any bigger because air weighs nothing.

After twenty minutes of watching Cheam bloat themselves on beer and chips, Gordie asked “where are the real teas you know, beer with a head, food with protein and texture”. “Oh the Cheam player replied we assume the opposition are cannibals, so we only provide air”. The Cheam player replied “I’d better let Dr lecture knowo up stairs, he’s just opened his fine Chianti and was expecting some guests for tea”.

The Staines team listened to the banging and screaming and then left swiftly. Singing teas at Cheam are good for your heart the more you eat the more you f**t, the more you f**t the better you feel so lets go down to Cheam for every meal.

The Cheam players shouted wait! wait! We would like you to comment on other team’s teas, would you like our questionnaire? The Staines team quickly filled their questionnaire out on Cheams teas the words were simple - you can eat it but taste like s**t, plus the slogan “bub bub bar we’re hating it”. (Note: To all other teams if you go to Cheam take a packed lunch or enjoy air)

Result Cheam 1 Staines 0
DOD = Phil being pathetic
MOM = Mat great goal keeping

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

A hat-trick from striker Anna Truman in a dominant first half performance secured a 4-1 victory for Staines Hockey Club's ladies first XI at home to Hampstead and Westminster.

The home side started in an impressive manner, dominating the first 20 minutes and pinning Hampstead back in their own half.

Truman capitalised on their pressure, striking home three goals with less than half an hour on the clock. But sitting comfortably, Staines appeared to lose concentration.

In the second half the visitors came back into the game, scoring one and forcing Staines' goalkeeper into many fine saves.

A well-executed short corner gave Mel Attfield the side's fourth goal, providing some consolation for a below par second half.

Ladies 2nd XI

Dear Diary

Wed 9 Feb: Short on numbers at training this week following our stunning win over Teddington last week. 8-0 in case you weren't aware. Injuries, holidays and illness were the main culprits, never a lack of enthusiasm. Lizzy is in hospital, we are thinking of you all Lizzy and hope you get better soon.

Coach Duncan is in his element this week with no Coach Shay, Duncan is IN CHARGE ! He's on a mission to test our fitness and sharpen our reactions - deep joy. Lots of exercises in twos which leave the legs knackered. There was a rather busy exercise towards the end involving way too many cones for my liking, and displayed Coach Duncan's inability to count. Turns out he was thrown out of maths at school.

Thurs 10 Feb: Captain Lou not playing this week, and so Vice Ali is in charge. So far we only have 8 players-was it something I said ?

Fri 11 Feb: Finally we have 11 players, excellent. We've even been generous enough to supply Aldershot & Farnham (AF) with a keeper - how nice are we???

Sat 12 Feb: 9.30am: Meet at club for friendly against AF. Stand in Captain Ali suddenly finds she has 13 players --god now I've got to sort out subs this wasn't part of my plan. Still never mind we can do this it's not rocket science.

Sat 12 Feb 9.40am: Shall we wander out to the pitch girls ? Let's get this over and done with, it's cold and windy after all. Somewhat chaotically subs are sorted, and now I've lost the toss. I can see it's going to be one of those days. My only saving grace this week, is that Coach Duncan has abandoned us for the Mens 2s.

Sat 12 Feb 10am: Just before we're about to start we are watching AF warm-up. Not that I'm one to panic, but they look a bit good girls. And they are all very tall, someone thinks it's down to their socks- it's best not to ask. Game under way

Sat 12 Feb 10am - 11.30am: Notable diary points (not sure there were many but here we go):

1: AF thrashed us 6-0 (it might have been 7 but I lost count and the will to live after a while)
2: Now I know how Teddington felt last week. Did I mention we thrashed them 8-0 ?
3: Julie P made some amazing saves again. She was first to every shot, but with at least 3 AF forwards in the D at any one time, it was asking a lot of her to save everything !
4: We were only 2-0 down at half time.
5: The subs thing worked (after a fashion), more by luck than judgement I have to admit
6: We've already played AF this season, and it wasn't as hard as this game
7: Now I know why it's so difficult, AF have most of their 1s players out today. Sadly that option wasn't open to us this week.
8: What was going on with the weather ? the wind was hideous we were all trying to run and getting no where !
9: Yvonne nearly being blown over by the wind in the goal. Very funny although it loses something in translation
10: Baldy & Oli insisting they were well enough to play when they clearly weren't. I offered you both the chance to go home but no you insisted on playing, so don't blame me if you are both feeling worse this week !
11: Ez and Yvonne working their socks off in defence to no avail.
12: Jo, Baldy & Vikki desperately trying to score, off some blistering crosses from Kate.
13: Suki, Debs, Claire & Ellie working hard in mid-field
14: Thanks to Ellie Ward, Claire Jennings, Vikki Bouwer, Kate and Debs for helping us out, we really appreciate it.
15: Hell how many goals is that they've stuck past us now?
16: Is it nearly over Umpire ?
17: Alex umpiring for us really well, being assessed and passing. Well done Alex
18: Thank god the whistle has gone - can we go home now please ?
19: I don't like this Captain's job, think I'll stick to writing the match report, and collecting the money.
20: Don't think I'll write a match report this week, there's only so many ways to say you lost. Yvonne game me a look which suggested I might want to re-think that strategy…OK OK I'll see what I can do - no peace for the wicked eh ?

Sat 12 Feb 2.30pm: Time to stroll over to watch Coach Duncan's other team, just to suss out the oppo so to speak, and make sure they are getting the same amount of abuse. Thankfully they seem to have all the same warm up exercises as us girls. Am pleased to report that Coach Duncan shouts at the boys as much as us. 'Front marking Anton' and 'Remember what we talked about' to name but a few, the rest were drowned out in the wind. Didn't hear the old favourite of 'Put the legs in'. Maybe he reserves that just for us !

Mon 14 Feb: No game next week, and a lie in to look forward to. Apparently though there will be training as we need to retain our fitness according to Coach Duncan. So as I'm trotting round the wilds of Hampton feeling like the last loaf of bread on the shelf at Tesco, well past my sell by date and slightly stale round the edges, I'm wondering to myself why on earth I'm doing this. Oh yes now I remember 'We have a league to win'. Should sprint the last bit really then…….no maybe not!

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI