Match Reports For Saturday 19th February Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

Staines took on top of the table Brighton on saturday and powered to a 3-0 win, giving the south coast side their first defeat of the season. After a poor run of form recently Staines were determind not to come unstuck against the top side in the league and the level of commitment and passion in their play was markedly different to the past few weeks.

The game began with both sides feeling each other out and chances fell to both teams but none were converted. Staines then began to take control of the game, keeping possession and probing at the Brighton defence. Midway through the first half, the first penalty corner was won and James Chapman's strike tested the away sides goalie. Soon after another corner was won and this time Chapman rifled his strike into the bottom corner for a deserved lead.
Staines did not let the pressure drop and great running up front by Jeremy Smith and James Hall created havoc in the Brighton back line. Another penalty corner was won and again Chapman let fly, this time scoring with the aid of a deflection from a defender on the line. At 2-0 up Staines were definitely in control of the game and playing well, but Brighton were still creating chances and the score only remained 2-0 at halftime due to a couple of fantastic saves by Staines keeper Andy Green.

Staines knew that Brighton would come out hard in the second half and this they duly did. Staines' defence were put under more pressure than in the first half and the side in general didn't keep possession as well as in the first half. This culminated in a couple of penalty corners for Brighton, but they couldn't score. Although they did crash one shot against the post before the Staines defence could scramble the ball clear. Staines were in need of another goal to make sure of the win and it was Stuart Hall who provided it guiding the ball home after strong running by Chapman and Alistair Geddes created space for him in the circle.
With the game seemingly out of Brighton's grasp they still attacked and kept the Staines defence under pressure where good work by Geraint Hughes, Liam Greene and Craig David kept them at bay. With Staines tiring slightly in the last ten minutes the home side did well to keep Brighton out and there were even chances to extend the lead, with Adam Hart being very unlucky to see his shot saved by the Brighton 'keeper.
The final whistle came soon after and was greated with great joy by Staines and utter relief by Alistair Geddes, who had run himself to a cramped standstill during the course of the game!!!

With this performance Staines showed they can live with the best sides in the league as long as they concentrate and apply themselves properly. They will be hoping to take this form into this saturdays away game against Barnes.

Mens 2nd XI

Anton's going to have to take our t-shirts back for re-printing this week following our showing away at mid-table Trojans. POTTY is the only way to describe our performance, and an 8-1 loss should tell you all you need to know about how poor we were.

Having beaten Trojans 8-2 earlier in the season, and pushing for promotion out of this league, POTTY put in an inexplicably poor show against a team we would usually negotiate with ease. But let's be fair, you don't score 8 goals without playing well, and Trojans certainly knew how to find the net on Saturday. But let's not understate how poor we were in parts. We didn't let in 8 by accident - at times our defending was woeful and 'keeper Andy will probably admit that he's never before let in 8 softer goals. As Shane observed from the sideline, "They've only had 8 shots!". It was one of those days that you dream about. Everything you touch turns to gold, everything you appeal for you get, and every time you sneeze you score. Except we were on the receiving end and it wasn't pretty.

3-0 down at half time was harsh. We had played well in spells but had given away a couple of sloppy goals. No need to panic, we'd get ourselves back in the hunt. The umpiring was 'interesting' and it was effecting both sides. But when the Ump awarded us a goal to make it 2-1 from a neat short-corner strike, only for the defence to appeal that it was too high, we felt confident it had struck a defender before hitting the net. So when the Ump consulted his counterpart, who was clearly heard to state that he was too far away to see anything, we were somewhat bemused when he reversed the decision. A controversial third before half time just rubbed salt into the wound.

Half time discussions were what you'd expect and POTTY emerged determined to put our season back on track. But we simply imploded in the second half and let in a further FIVE goals with only 1 in reply. It got embarrassing as goal after goal dribbled into our net. I guess once we reached 5 or 6 down we gave up, but 8-1 against these guys is going to take a while to get our heads around. The only highlight for Staines was the previously mentioned Umpire, who on about 60 minutes threw his toys out of the pram and stormed off the pitch, leaving both teams bemused and Trojans begging us to allow the game to stand. Ever the sportsman (and since he'd made the Ump cry), Robbie agreed to play on with a sub Ump and the results stands. But it was a first for most people on the pitch and one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Even the second Ump found it funny.

So a total spanking was dished out but it's testament to the team that it was handshakes, pats on the back and beers in the bar after the game rather than tears and raised fists. Coach Duncan would probably prefer us to have been more angry by the shocking display, but that's not the POTTY style. We simply put it down to one of those things, promised not to do that to ourselves again, and looked forward to next week when we could set the record straight.

MOM. Had to be Robbie for valiantly trying to save the game by making the Umpire storm off in a huff. In fact, that's worth DOD too. Well played. But did he do his second pint? Video Ref needs to make a call here.

Is the season over for us? Could be. Epsom and Barnes look solid and both won this weekend. But although we've got a home game against Epsom, one of them will need to balls up in order for us to get promoted. Sad end to what was a promising campaign. But it's not over yet and we'll keep battling to the end. Besides which, if we stick around we can dish out a revenge thumping to Trojans next year. Every cloud and all that.

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

A chilly but sunny winters day saw the 4th Battalion of the Blue Army gather at the England School of Hockey Excellence (Staines Branch). It also saw the guest appearance of Mr Safety and all the way from Worcester, the Pink chap - Andy Taylor ! Andy is not a big fan of salads and consequently has gone up a cup size or two since he last played, sporting a pair to rival Nicky Lazlo ! Before setting off for the foreign regions of Southall, we were able to witness the Men's 3's try very hard to turn a 3-1 lead into a defeat. Plumber Nelhams of the Amish got himself sent-off for a short rest in order to contemplate his next Barn raising. Then the Umpire wearing the bright pink shirt generously awarded the opposition a P-flick. The Housewives Favourite set himself up for the impending defensive task, attempting to fill the whole goal with his frame (in profile looking like a large oven ready turkey atop a short pair of leg pads - or maybe I was delirious with hunger). The flick was taken and Rob managed to snuff out the threat with an enormous buttock (or should that be parsons nose?), well saved! Alpo had the dubious honour of winkling out the ball with a warm spoon, in order to restart the game. After that excitement it was off to Southall in Deano's trusty wagon.

On the journey it became apparent that the Pinkster was now the proud owner of a 22.5 foot, 5 berth, caravan and had also bought a compatible vehicle to tow the aforementioned 'van - a 2.2 litre turbo diesel estate (complete with Labradors and wellies), calculating the correct laden towing parameters using the approved 85th percentile bhp to weight ratio ! Even more worrying was the unhealthily deep interest shown by Pace O'Brien. Now Dean is not known for his rapidity when driving, the last thing he needs is a bloody great 'van to slug his progress ! Apparently modern 'vans have built in showers and heaters and can even be parked by remote control whilst sat in the comfort of a deck chair. None of that watching the missus humping and heaving (Oooh err missus!) it into position whilst you look on shouting encouragement and telling her to mind the stand pipe.

Warm up before the game consisted of some light stretching, twatting the ball at the keeper, accompanied by some gentle farting. Ramgaria gathered their hordes together (they had at least 5 subs today, a coach and a manager in attendance) and proceeded to go through a very thorough warm up that would put many first elevens to shame. Within minutes of the start it was apparent that this was a very different opposing team to that earlier in the season. And... within a not many more minutes they scored an opener. After a few more minutes and a few missed penalty corners they got a second. Ramgaria bagged a third from some impressive individual skill by one of their new talents, that beat three defenders and nutmegged the keeper. The final 15 minutes of the half saw Staines battle back with some determination. Matt was unlucky to hit the post. Hudson scythed down a couple of their midfield. Gnasher bravely blocked a short corner shot with his head, unfortunately gave away another short in doing so ! Determination personified was Action Man Reed who suddenly went berserk, collected the ball on the edge of our D and charged forward like a wounded Rhino. Everyone got out of the way, except the Pinkster who was screaming for a pass as he was wide open on the right. Inexorably Colin's charge took him directly at Andy. Andy froze like a big Rabbit caught in the headlight beams of a car, whereupon Colin smashed into him at full speed, mounting Andy and forcing him to the floor. It was a horrible sight, imagine two large Hippos playing wheelbarrows, grunting and squealing, eventually they fell off each other with the Pinkster complaining that Colin hadn't used lubricant and if was a gentleman he should have taken his weight on his elbows. Meanwhile Ramgaria were wetting themselves at this spectacle.

Second half was a better performance, but still no goals for the Blue Army. Missed several short corners, hit the post again, hit a corner flag and a few genuine near misses. However too often Staines got caught out on the break and ultimately Ramgaria managed to score three more goals as a result, one deep into injury time. Result was a 0-6 defeat against extremely strong opposition. On the bright side, the Ramgaria teas at their local pub were very nice, of the spicy variety.
Hero of the Day - A fairly spread vote, but Brendan just edged out Hudders for the honours.
Donkeys Ring Piece - Again a very spread vote With Action Man, Mr Toad and the Pinkster topping the list. Andy just winning the dubious honour for allowing Colin to shag him.

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Being very brief as i've shattered my right thumb and trying to type left handed. We won 5-1 against Oxford Hawks Mel Attfield scored 2, one was a penalty stroke in the 1st minute, Sarah Chandler got 2 and Alex Stacey, returning from back injury, scored 1.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Funnily enough it was yet another 10am start for the Ladies 3rd XI this week, only 1 more 10am game to go girls until we are rewarded with a lie in. What has the Ladies 3rd XI done to deserve all 10am starts for the whole of 2005 so far??? We are also known as the 39ers you know, after our average age, therefore we NEED OUR SLEEP!!!

It was a sunny, cold day on Saturday morning and the team gathered a bit bleary eyed, ready to face an Amersham side who had beaten the team 11 - 0 last season and 4 - 1 in the last encounter, so we knew it would be a tough start. However, Staines started really well and were unlucky not to take the lead early on. Captain Jeanette led the way showing sheer determination to win every ball, by taking a player out and herself at the same time!!! Unfortunately Amersham caught Staines still half asleep and managed to score a couple of goals against the run of play. So at half time, Staines found themselves undeservedly 2 - 0 down!!!

Coach Sticky gave us all a positive team talk at half time and we went into the second half like a team on a mission to win this game. It was also good news that Lou had managed to get through the first half of the game without her bra flinging open after the incident at training on Wednesday! Coach Sticky's last words to JuBear was to score the first goal and set Staines on the road to victory. She of course always does what she's told (doesn't she
Sid?) and went about scoring the first goal. Debs and Kate linked up beautifully down the right, and a great ball from Debs set speedy gonzales herself flying down the right wing. The opposition expecting Kate to smack the ball across the D, fooled them and placed the ball beautifully for
Juliet to put home! A couple of minutes later, almost the same as the
first goal, the ball was moved down the right and this time smacked across the D for Ju to get a touch on and slot Staines 2nd and Ju's 2nd goal between the keepers legs. Staines were buzzing and showing that this team also had "bouncebackability".

Staines were awarded a short corner soon after, and Kate smacked the ball, which although took out an Amersham player was a great goal and took Staines into the lead for the first time in the game.

Staines were now 3 - 2 up and buzzing, Amersham were not taking the mighty blues come back easily and stepped up a gear and were awarded a flick after the ball hit Lou's foot on the line. Not that fair considering Lou was just checking her bra was still in place and didn't see her foot was still there. Scoring 3 goals in 10 minutes and coming from behind to take the lead, Jubear was a tad over excited and as the flick was awarded asked Jeanette who was taking it, DOH! the look on Jeanette's face said it all and Ju knew there and then there was no point in doing a dick of the day vote, it was all hers!!! Amersham scored the flick and took the score to 3 - 3!!!

This was turning into a great match for a friendly!!! Amersham was still
applying the pressure but, against the run of play Burkie cleared the defence, sweeping the ball out to Ingrid, who passed the ball down the left to Juliet, who linked up with Jeanette to run the ball through the Amersham defence to set the ball up nicely for Linda to hit home. Staines had to clearly inspired Skids who had just come back on after watching Staines score 2 goals and was a woman on a mission to win this game for Staines who took the lead again now at 4 - 3!!!

Amersham then got awarded another flick this time for Burkie's foot I think, not sure if she was checking her bra strap though! At least this time, Juliet didn't ask who was taking it!! However, Chantelle made a great save and it stayed 4 - 3 to Staines. In the dying minutes with victory in Staines sights, Chantelle cleared the ball off the line and flick happy Edward Scott awarded Amersham their 3rd flick of the game!! Chantelle almost saved this one, but it just crept over the line, leaving the final result at 4 - 4.

In the last minute, Linda was really unlucky not to have scored the winner after another great ball from Jeanette!!! The team all played really well, great stuff Ladies.

For the spectators (thanks Ali!) this must have been a great game to watch. The Ladies 3's were delighted with the result and were looking forward to downing some Pimms that night at race night. The team demonstrated that they can come back from a 2 goals down and played some fantastic hockey. This certainly was a good warm up, ready for the league game against NPL next Saturday and guess what it's 10am!!!

This match will always be known as "the great come back" or "the game of flicks".

MoM - Kate "speedy gonzales" O'Kane
DoD - Juliet "who's taking the flick?" Porter

Ladies 4th XI

Three weeks ago this fixture resulted in Staines getting hammered 6 - 1 but after a misunderstanding by Paddington on legal player selection, the teams agreed to replay the game.
Staines were under a lot of pressure to perform well in this game and prove to their opponents how strong they can be. Paddington started the stronger of the sides and Staines spent the first 20 minutes defending in their own half. Paddington dominated the game and took an inevitable lead while their opponents struggled to keep up with the pace of the play.
Staines refused to lie down and fought back to grab an equalizer before half-time.
The second half saw Staines playing at their best. They peppered the Paddington goal and deserved to grab the winner 10 minutes before full time.
Staines 2 - 1 Paddington

Ladies 5th XI

This week the 5th XI found themselves a little short of players due to various previously arranged engagements and half term holidays (they're a sociable bunch these 5's you know!). Only player able to turn out from the Ladies 2's was Jo Ive - many thanks to Jo for taking and organising the team on the day. Hayes very kindly supplied the other 3 players including a goalie. Other players were: Millie Nowicka, Hazel Sloan, Heather Forster, Emma Crawley, Sam Collins, Emily Steer and Carolyn Doherty. Thanks to Jonathan Scott for umpiring. Jo reported that the girls did themselves proud as they were up against an older and more experienced Hayes side. Next fixtures will be in March - hopefully 5th, 19th and 26th (still working on these). Any volunteers to play with the 5's would be most appreciated - you'll have so much fun you'll want to play every week! Contact Louise on 07773 535774.