Match Reports For Saturday 26th February Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

Staines took on fourth placed Barnes on saturday with confidence after their perfor,mance against Brighton last week. Unfortunately, an insipid performance led to a 3-1 loss.

Staines started appallingly and let in two simple goals in the first twenty mintes and then had to chase the game. With a few minutes to go until half time Staines got themselves back into the game through John Stannard converting a penalty corner. With this goal came a desire to get back into the game and Staines pushed on and strived for an equaliser. A Jeremy Smith mazy run was halted unfairly and James Chapman stepped up to take the subsequent stroke but was denied by a combination of keeper and post. With this and some aggresive play, Barnes got back into the game and hit Staines on the break to make it 3-1. With Staines still trying to gain possesion Barnes closed the game out for a 3-1 win. - RUBBISH!!!!!!!!

On sunday, Staines played Leicester in the HA Trophy, with a quarter final place up for grabs. Staines started strongly and converted a penalty corner through John Stannard which was soon followed by an individual effort by Mike Farmer - who rounded three defenders before lifting the ball over the keeper for 2-0.
An error by Liam Greene then let in Leicester's pacy attack to reduce Staines's lead just before half time. With Staines knowing they must score early in the second half, they came out looking for goals and soon Jeremy Smith scored with a tap in after great play down the right by Stuart Hall and James Hall.
After this Staines relaxed and almost let Leicester back into the game. Again a defensive lapse allowed them to break and slip the ball past Andy Green, who otherwise had a great game and pulled off some superb saves.
At 3-2 Staines looked a little wobbly but eventually did just enough to combat Leicester's attacks and sneak through to the next round.

Mens 2nd XI

What a difference a week makes. Ridiculous was thankfully replaced by sublime as Staines handed out a 9-1 thumping to Brighton. Hell of a distance to travel to get spanked, as we know from very recent experience, and Brighton were surprisingly cocky for a team on the wrong end of 9 goals, but it contributed to a highly entertaining game. Still feeling the pain of the embarrassment of Trojans, Skipper Watson and Coach Duncan shared a stirring team talk and injected the determination to give ourselves one last shot at the title. We need to win all of our remaining games and hope one of our neighbours at the top of the table drop points in the coming weeks. And it was poor Brighton who felt the wrath as PTOTY ran out easy winners.

Unlike recent weeks, Staines started off very strongly with Mad Monk Bazza in inspired form. The first 15 minutes saw Barry play some of the best hockey of his life as he gave the Brighton defence and their goalkeeper a torrid time. He'd scored 3 goals before I'd had time to take off my tracksuit, and probably would have got a hatful more if Shane hadn't decided enough was enough and floored Bazza with a swift stick to his crown jewels. Bazza, crying like a baby, had to crawl off the pitch for some TLC from Coach Duncan, and when he returned in the second half he just wasn't himself. In fact, he was half the man he once was. Ouch. But 3 great goals in as many minutes set the platform for PTOTY to go on and secure victory.

Staines were 5-0 up by half time with goals from Bazza, Matty Truman and JD. Can't remember them all but Bazza's 3 were all well taken, and Matty's reverse stick waft was a classic. Half time was unusual in that it was very short and very complimentary. It seems a happy Coach is a concise Coach, so PTOTY took to the field with two goals in mind - to score at least 8 and to concede 0.

Typically, we started the second half with our eyes on a cricket score and promptly conceded a sloppy goal. But unlike previous weeks, we went on to turn the screw and finish off Brighton in style. Goals from Tim (2), JD and Mark Hampton saw Staines run out 9-1 winners. No hugely controversial events to write home about either, which is nice. Stukka received a green card for bullying their young right back.Tim politely told the same right back what he thought of him when he beat him to score, after which he went very quite. Lee swears he saw him cry, so apologies to him from the PTOTY. The other key event saw JD diplomatically prevent World War 3 after Tim rounded the keeper and slotted home his second, only for JD to nip in and apparently steal it on the line. Seeing Tim about to explode in toy-throwing of the greatest magnitude, JD gallantly awarded the goal to his team mate, and the entire pitch heaved a huge sigh off relief. Crisis aver!ted.

So 9-1 it finished and the PTOTY have one last shot at glory. An enjoyable game was had by all, except Lee, who despite being PTOTY top scorer with 420 goals this season, failed to score in a 9 goal thriller. He assures me that he set up all 9 goals though. Special mention to the Brighton no. 14. When you're 9 goals down and playing like donkeys, cockiness and arrogance isn't cool. You just look stupid. Especially when wearing a hair band.

MOM, DOD and Fines was a long drawn-out affair, and a new PTOTY record of FOUR hours, hosted by Chairmen Horan & Dodwell. MOM came down to Bazza .v. Evans, and despite his hat-trick and magical 15 minutes, it went to new Sweeper Evans for playing a blinder. Everything we did was built on by solid play from the back, and Andy was instrumental in that, so a deserved MOM. Special mentions of course to Bazza, to Robbie for excellent half-back play and to Anton for another composed performance. He deserves MOM before the season's out.

DOD was closer. Votes were spread but Robbie took it for the 18th week running. Not exactly sure why. Could be for the shot he took with only the keeper to beat, which bounced off the corner flag. It was just wide.

Big game next week. Epsom at home in a MUST win fixture. This could decide our fate this season, and being on home turf clearly agrees with us, so fingers crossed for a healthy victory. Support welcomed. Watch out for special hair....

Mens 3rd XI

4 games left to go this season and the Staines Men’s III’s needed a couple more points to ensure that relegation was not on the cards. The team has been playing well in fits and starts in the second half of this season, well enough to raise itself from the bowels of Division 1 of the South Open Middx, Bucks, Berks and Oxon league at least.

As the Sponging Student is nursing a poorly trotter, I, the Housewives Favourite, will have to take up the torch and grossly exaggerate about what the goalkeeper is doing between the posts in the form of this match report. (Not only that, but I fear that our exploits have gone un published because even though Marc had been writing the reports, they weren’t getting posted due to him scribbling them on pieces of paper and putting them up the chimney for Father Christmas to hand to Ed….. Duuuh!)

Today we played Marlow at the fantastic Bisham Abbey sports complex and yet more team changes this week saw us complete with Taxi Laszlo and Mr Hudson.

Lining up on the water based astro, we couldn’t help but notice one of their forwards constantly roofing the ball into the net form the edge of the area. Oh dear, Marlow, although bottom in this league with only 9 points, didn’t look like a team doomed to relegation as they lined up but hey, that’s life right?

The first 15 minutes of the game we took on Marlow and had a small party in their half, their man marking was excellent however and we couldn’t crack open their defence. Back at my end of the pitch, things were pretty quiet, with only one shot to save from a Marlow short corner, I dropped down and thought about blocking it. The striker wound up and hit the ball that flew like an express train off his stick so I dropped down and thought about blocking it just as it bounced off my head and round the post for a long corner. Equipment check, leg guards, kickers, gloves, box, chest pad, stick, elbow pads, considerably huge arse. All present and correct, but untested. Helmet. Check. It works and can absorb the energy of a 90 mph projectile without harm to its delicate and let’s face it, rather handsome contents.

The rest of the half consisted of Alpesh and the Amish plumber stopping everything before it got near the D, and what they didn’t stop, Laz kicked. Big Stuey kept on getting hit by the ball but marked their centre forward completely out of the game. In the fiercely contested middle, Chubby, Andre, Kings and Rich were all keeping the shape reasonably well and some good running back as well as forward meant that a true stalemate had occurred, neither side giving an inch. We had a few short corners that didn’t work and Mr Hudson found himself in charge of the Staines Hockey Clubs moon landing effort when the unmanned probe that he sent up, only just failed to leave the earth’s atmosphere, before it returned to Terra Firma behind the Marlow goal.

In the break a few minor turns of the team spanner saw Laz swapped over to the right back slot and the Plumber over to the left. We needed to score some goals and then perhaps Marlow would start to release their defensive grip on their goal area, but it was not to be forgotten that it was still technically possible for Marlow to haul itself out of the relegation zone, so they had everything to play for.

The second half was more of the same two teams waiting for the break that will start the goal fest. Lady Luck, fortunately had awoken in the bed of Gizz in nearby Cookham and whilst he went to gorge on Marmity goodness, she slipped out and came to see us play. All of a sudden, Seth Efriken Chris found him self almost alone in the oppositions D. In a move that looked like he mis-controlled it onto his reverse stick side, he swung back and took the keeper a little by surprise as the ball pinged off his kickers and through his legs into the goal. 45 seconds later, this lead was built on when a goal mouth scramble saw the Porn King attempted a flick into an empty net. Actually, flick wasn’t the best word to describe what he did, and the ball trickled towards the gaping net when Tart decided to help it along with a cheeky reverse flick.

2-0 and we really tried to finish the game off. Marlow were a little shell shocked by our two quick goals, but came back fighting when a failed defensive clearance and subsequent Staines infringement won them a short corner. The ball was played in and the striker fired his shot that bounced off the post, back out and was neatly finished by a lurking Marlow forward. 2-1 and things were a getting a little tense in the Staines camp. Marlow needed the win more than we did and it showed as they had a very good spell in our half. Short corners, saves and some fantastic defending upheld the score line in our favour and with 10 minutes on the clock, we took advantage of their charge forward with a very well worked run between Alpo and the Tart, who one-twoed their way past the remaining Marlow team leaving our dynamic duo in the D. Alpesh let out his famous Wookie roar to signal that he wanted the ball back, but Tart being a greedy bugger ignored him and tonked the ball into the corner of the goal giving the goalie no chance.

This finished Marlow as the win was now well past them and so the game played itself out.

This game proved a lot harder to win that we first thought it would be, due to the positioning of our opposition. The guy we saw warming up did have a few chances on goal, but he couldn’t reproduce his roof-of-the-net style when he had Big Stuey breathing down his neck. This was not an easy game but as confirmed in the bar afterwards, Marlows’ biggest weakness was not being able to score enough goals and we did more than enough to beat them. Of course, the best bit about the day was the fact that we won and the team are now safe in this league for another year. The problem of putting the same 11 players out week after week is one that affects all the clubs teams, but the core of the team is there and when they get going they are more than a match for the best in this division.

DOD: Andre got a mention for having trouble knowing what the big hand and little hand mean, but Jezza was performing in front of his folks again this weekend which normally means he is chaired off to gentle applause and the popping of corks. The plan would have worked well except that this week, he was pants.

MOM: The vast majority of votes went to Chris for his goal and general battling up front.

Next week, another away game in the middle of that London. 3 games left to go……….

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

It may have been a break in the league, but there was no break in winning ways for the Ladies 1st XI. Another South 1 team, and another victory...3-1 against Horsham! Fantastic result girls, and a winning start for stand in coach (Shay was on cinema duty with the kids) and chief supporter Captain Katie Kate/Thumbalina!

It was all in the preparation! A very educational pre-match talk and warm up. Anna introduced the team to skirts designed to allow love handles breathing space, and provided some insight into the the things that couples share! Aunty Audrey on her part informed the team that it was actually possible to get minus 25 in an exam out of 100! Really reassuring for those team members that had just finished exams! Thanks for that Aunty Audrey!

It all seemed to have the desired effect however, as Staines started strongly, and Bambi had put us 1-0 up within the first 10 minutes. Although Horsham got one back before half time, we dominated the second half with the defence of Twinkle toes, Aunty Audrey, Struds and Oli,(with Captain Katie Kate providing vocal encouragment from the sideline) putting on a particularly impressive display. Aunty Audrey was obviously finding it all a bit too easy at the back, so decided to show off her goal scoring skills as well, scoring two almost identical goals from short corner strikes. Great display Aunty Audrey!

Memorable moments of a winning performace:-

1.) Aunty Audrey participating in the warm up....

2.) Sue telling the Horsham umpire to remember his manners, and say 'Please!'

3.) Struds in a heated debate about sides of the stick and a few other things such as the height of the ball. Very unlike Jo to be so vocal.

4.) (sm)ellie being sent flying by a player half her size. Good strength....

5.) Aunty Audrey running almost the entire pitch with the ball, beating at least 6 Horsham players in the process, before equally impressively standing on the ball just as space for a shot opened up at the top of the D. Did the light catch your stick Aunty Audrey!?!

6.) Irish Ruth making a noble gesture to save (sm)ellie form DoD by missing a goal that really was harder to miss than score. Thanks Ruth, but I think I was on my own DoD mission on Saturday....


So a fantastic result with a few moments of entertainment along the way.

Man of the Match No surprises here...Aunty Audrey stormed to victory after two 'beautiful' goals and solid defending.

DoD (sm)Ellie

For numerous reasons:

1.) Aforementioned lack of strength and subsequent fall!
2.) Spending a tad too much time both before and after the game piecing together the night before....sorry about that girls. Back to league matches next week... I'll be in bed with cocoa on friday night.
3.) Being generally a tad dazed and confused which led to a very stupid query just before the game....which will remain undisclosed, but pretty much decided DoD right there and then.
4.) Because Smelly Melly wasn't around to do somthing equally silly just before voting....Melly come back!!

Would love to comment on the post-match celebrations but I was not in attendance this week. However, judging by the somewhat subdued viewing on the rugby on Sunday it appears the girls were in fine form. Good effort girls, but lets keep fire risks to a minimum.......

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Well another blinding game by the 39er's!

Unfortunately our wonderful coach Adam was unavailable due to a clash of times with his match. However, we did get the lovely Mark Hampton (I have to say that - he's my husband!) to give us a few tips on the side-line.

Our opening minute was fantastic. Lou made a great run through the middle and struck the ball cleanly which Ju picked up and expertly swept it into the Goal ... hooray 1st goal within about a minute !

After listening to Mark's comments at half time about using the width in the 'D', we managed to secure our second goal. It came from a great pass just outside the top of the 'D' fromTracy, she looked up, saw Debs running into space on the right towards the post and passed a fantastic ball across. Debs picked up the ball and was on her own with the goalie - seeing a small opportunity struck the ball cleanly which sped past the keeper into the back of the net !

There was some great play from everyone in the team. Not only did we support each other, but we made use of the space by switching the play and moving the ball around the back. There was some lovely 1-2's from Ju & Jeanette on the left and Debs & Kate on the right. At one point Kath almost scored within minutes of coming on as centre forward.

Kate 'speedy gonzales' scored our third goal which put us 3-2 in the lead. A few panic moments before the final whistle blew but we managed to keep our cool and came away with another victory.

Man of Match went to Debs, but it was a tough call, everyone played well.

Ladies 4th XI