Match Reports For Saturday 12th March Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

Bournemouth were the visitors to Staines on saturday with the home team needing three points to guarantee a place in the league for next season.

Staines started slowly with Andy Green in goal needing to be at his best to stop a couple of chances created by the Bournemouth forwards. As Staines shook off their lacklustre start they began to get more and more into the game. With Ali Geddes becoming more involved Staines took the game to Bournemouth and it wasn't long before the pressure told and Staines were ahead from a James Chapman penalty corner. This was soon followed by a penalty corner conversion by Jeremy Derrick and Staines were in total control. With the back four defending solidly Bournemouth were not allowed a sniff and with half time approaching Stuart Hall deflected in a precision pass from Geddes for 3-0.

The second half began with Staines wanting more of the same. Bournemouth however were determind to not go down without a fight and five minutes of pressure was soaked up by Staines. The fourth goal came from Mark Hampton, finishing well after good work by Chapman and Mike Farmer before Chapman got his second from another corner. At 5-0 Staines relaxed slightly and Bournemouth crept back into it with a couple of attacks but these were dealt with by Geraint Hughes, Gary Kemish and Liam Greene. Finally the game was put firmly out of reach by James Hall when he deflected John Stannard's corner strike past the flailing Bournemouth 'keeper. A 6-0 win was reward for Staines' efforts and made sure that they will be playing premier league hockey again next season.

Sunday (Harrods Trophy)

On sunday Staines travelled down to the south coast to take on Hamble in the quarter finals of the Harrods Trophy. A tough game was expected, with Hamble having a couple of Egyptian internationals in their ranks and it turned out to be exactly that.

The first half completely belonged to Staines. Firstly, Mark Hampton finished well after a superb period of play down the Staines left, before Chapman fired in a penalty stroke after Hampton had been impeded as he was in the process of shooting. Then Staines' third came, Hampton again involved with an opportunistic strike beating the Hamble goalkeeper. At 3-0 Staines were all over the Hamble defence and a number of chances were created with none taken, Jeremy Derrick being the biggest culprit(That will teach him to get p****d before a big game!!!!) At half time Staines were told not to relax and to keep pushing for goals. Unfortunately this advice was not really applied during the half and Hamble increased the pressure on the Staines defence. With their tall Egyptian becoming more of an influence, Hamble scored three times in a period where Staines seemed to have switched off completely. Staines were also hindered by the temporary suspension of sweeper John Stannard. At 3-3 the game seemed to be destined for extra time when Jeremy Derrick redeemed himself from his earlier misses by tapping in at the far post for 4-3. With only ten minutes to go Staines held out, keeping the ball out of their circle and not allowing any more chances to the home side.

With the win secured Staines now look forward to taking on Trojans at home in the semi finals on the 3rd April.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

With two games remaining, the Men’s 3’s find themselves quite safe in the middle of their league with no medals to fight for. But we all need goals and targets to aim at, so it would be nice to stay ahead of local rivals, Ashford. The loss last week was disappointing, Lady Luck having spent her rent money at Brent Cross instead of making sure we won, but it wasn’t all bad news as at least we learnt how to defend against short corners.

Seamus was available this week as was the Sponging Student and the Tart was back also, although Tart had the sniffles, so he said he would only come on for short spells in between bouts of frenzied handkerchief activity. Andre was out and we were without Alpesh too, as he was away testing his new laser crossbow on the Ice planet of Hoth.

Porno Hudson had been bagged early doors in warm up on the ankle by our flame haired skipper and so had to start the game from the sidelines, whilst clutching his foot and swearing. This meant that we had to push The Beechams Powders Monkey, complete with death bed, hot water bottle and 2 litres of Lucozade into the oppositions half and leave him there. Every 10 minutes, Scouser would run on and see if he was still alive with a rectal thermometer. His temperature never changed, but his expression sure did.

So with yet another different team from the week before, we got down to the task of letting Aylesbury walk all over us.

With the first whistle, our Blue war horses looked a little tired, we didn’t look at all like we actually wanted to play this game, let alone win it and so we paid the price to the tune of a couple of quick goals. The first was the result of a well worked short corner that was pushed out and then hit back to the guy who had just pushed it, who swept it towards the corner of the goal. Ha! Big Stuey was there, ready and waiting I thought. Ah, I also thought, as it pinballed off both of his legs to concede a P-Flick.

A flick. Right then must concentrate, left or right I though, or perhaps down the middle….. my record this season has been poor against flicks it has to be said and whilst I was still dithering about which way to go, the forward was on his way back to the half way line celebrating his goal.

To rub salt into our gaping wounds, Aylesbury broke through our ranks once more to punish us again. Where were these players appearing from? You look up, and it’s all clear and peaceful, you look up a split second later and there’s loads of them, motoring towards our goal like a large shoal of turbocharged mackerel. One Aylesbury forwards broke into the D, past a couple of defenders and slotted the ball home to give us something else to moan about at half time. Thankfully, for the rest of the half we managed to keep them at bay and started to get our heads around it all. Try as we might though, we couldn’t close the gap in the middle of the park and so they came at us time and again. We did manage some semblance of silken hockey skills going forward, but we had a little trouble with our goal account due to the fact that our local branch of the Goal Bank had been turned into a trendy wine bar.

The half time talk was full of revelation. Apparently, Aylesbury were a player short. And yet they looked like they were cheating with at least 7 extra men. Time to rethink our strategy and the call for a little more effort was the plan.

And it worked! With the holes firmly plugged in the middle of the park, Staines proceeded to take Aylesbury apart. With their injured centre forward firmly pinned to the ground by Pid, we pushed them all the way back to their 25, almost constant Blue pressure saw a Staines P Flick awarded and coolly converted by the Chubster Jeremy. The hugely haired Chris got in on the goal scoring action when an excellent move to the baseline by Bill gave him his chance to go onto our score sheet. Now, 2-2 would just not do and so with great effort by the forwards, midfield and some of the defence, we finally squeezed ahead with a Seamus goal into the bottom corner of the net.

Wild Bill was running amok in the middle and his one handed runs made a real difference. Matt too, was getting stuck in and was tracking back when needed and we looked like a really strong, confident team. It wasn’t perfect, but it was shaping up to be more than good enough to beat the visiting team. Of course, there was another person having a really good day and that was The Nottcutts Sniper, as he bagged Hudson twice in the far corner. Each time his little legs went from underneath him in a most amusing manner. In fact, he looked like he had been instantly filleted each time he went down and lay, like a great big unwashed jelly upon the ground.

Back in defence, things were looking a little shaky for a moment as the Laz took a blow to the ribs which saw him doubled up in pain and unable to carry on. He couldn’t have picked a worse time to go off as Aylesbury were starting to get back on top of us again.

Fortunately though, the old head and even older body of Seamus dropped back into the sweeping role and the garden was rosy once more. The remaining short corners that the opposition won were capably stopped by our back line and we saw the half out, neither side scoring again.

So a 3-2 win and we are now 4 points ahead of the side that begins with A and has banjo music as its anthem. (Just kidding!)

A very confident second half from all quarters of the team meant that we sat on the visitors and wouldn’t let them get up again till they had gone all wheezy and a dinner lady had told us off.

MOM: Wild Bill was voted in today for a display as he roared his way about the pitch.

DOD: For folding like a tramps house in a rainstorm, veteran of Banana Skin Alley, hereeeeeeeeeeeeeee’s Hudson!

Next week, the last league game against Wokingham at Wokingham. These boys are sitting on top of this league, but we have beaten the league leaders before, so we can probably do it again.

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

GLADIATOR

At the height of its power the Staines Empire was vast.

Stretching from the deserts of the astro pitch to the borders of the bar.

Over one quarter of the team's population lived and drank under the rule of the South African Caesars.

In the Spring of 2005AD Emperor Shayvius' 1 year campaign against the barbarian tribes in South 2 was drawing to an end.

Just four final strongholds stand in the way of Staines victory and the promise of champagne throughout the empire.


The mighty gladiators set off from Londinium to battle it out in the Colosseum of West Witium. Lead by General Katie Katius they walked proudly into the arena of death. 'Will they fight?' asked Strudimus. 'We will know soon enough' replied the General.
The barbarians marched out and began their pre-fight ritual. The tactic of intimidation did not work.
Under the command of Emperor Shayvius the gladiators gathered. 'Strength and honour' he proudly said and walked away. The General gave the final instruction, 'At my signal unleash hell'.
The gladiators did just that. Within 58 seconds Annius Cornelius had slashed the barbarians and driven a sword into the heart of the defence.
The roar of the crowds was thunderous. They wanted more! They wanted blood!
The barbarians attempted to strike but Magsocratese held firm.
The battle had gone for 41 minutes when Mellodus came around the right flank and hit them from the rear. Sueflavius was there in support and catapulted the firey ball into the middle of the barbarians. Victory was in sight. It would not be much longer.
The bearded barbarians had other ideas and despite piercing the ranks of the gladiators, Staines stood firm. The battle was over and the arena of death had become the 'ave it amphitheatre.
As the battered barbarians fled into the wilds of the housing estate, the General took the victors aside. 'Gladiators, I salute you!'
The last words went to Emperor Shayvius....
'My name is Maximus Desimus Marridius Shayvius. Commander of the army of Staines. Leader of the fearless gladiators. Loyal servants to the true team, Ladies 1s. Father to two sons, husband to a energetic wife and I will have my victory in this league and the next'.

Ladies 2nd XI

DAMN IT

The week had started quite well, we were top of the league Harrow had lost last Sat, we had won andwith another win this Saturday the league and promotion were in the bag. This is the stuff dreams are made of and by 11.30 that dream had been shattered (for this week at any rate)

Training was a rigorous affair. Coach Duncan was running the show this week, and we spent the first 30 mins combined 1s & 2s session playing catch up, lots of cones, weaving in and out and all that nonsense. It's a Coach Duncan thing, he clearly likes to see us out of breath and sweating. I only hope the Mens 2s have the same thing, if not there will be tears and it won't be from the Ladies!

So having separated into our teams for individual training, Coach Duncan was in no mood for taking it easy. Lots of defensive training. Excellent !! After 20 mins Yvonne was just about able to speak whilst Ali was struggling to breathe!!!! Ali, Lou Suki & Suzi were given 10 mins respite for short corner routines, whilst Yvonne and everyone else had shooting practise. Finally Coach Duncan decided more running was essential especially for those of us practising short corners as we hadn't done any running for a whole 10 mins! Never mind that Ali's knees are aching from all that bending down!!! Anything for our Coach!

So Saturday arrived, and we were all on time for our 9am meet. The only straggler was Baldy, but to be fair she'd only just touched down at Heathrow, so she was excused. She did a Superwoman quick change, and the only sign that she'd been working was the tell tale red nail varnish. Ez was sporting a particularly fetching set of black eyes after last week (you should have seen the state of the other girl!), and our pregnant ex-keeper Abi, had baked us some pre-match cakes to wish us luck. Thanks Abi, they didn't last long by the way! Mainly coz Baldy insisted on eating vast quantities to obtain a sugar rush, and thus wake up.

We assembled in the changing room, awaiting our illustrious coach, and anything to take our mind off the fact that this was a big game for us, Fish decided now was a good time to decide where to go on our night out on 19th March. Somehow we decided on Twickenham, only really to keep Captain Fantastic Lou quiet. Yes we know you are going to the Rugby and yes we know Twickenham is good for you as there's no travelling involved. Honestly it's me, me, me with some people.

On the white board in the corner of the changing room Coach Duncan had written 'NO FEAR', if we weren't nervous before we were now. Coach Duncan delivered a stirring pre-match speech designed to instill confidence in us. Then it was out for the warm-up as a Unit, all feeling slightly nervous to be honest. Fish had us trotting round the park twice with a few sprints thrown in for good measure-why does this always hurt so much? Unit stretching was fine until the hamstring stretch, lots of groaning, that's not a good sign girls, still we're far enough away from Coach Duncan for him not to hear. Don't want to add to his worries.

So here we go girls, game on:

1. First blood to us with a goal from Baldy
2. H&W came straight back at us and equalised - B*gger gonna be one of those days
3. Excellent saves again from Julie P
4. Jo crossed from the left for Debs to not quite connect with it - damn it
5. Not to be outdone, Debs crossed from the right only for Jo to miss that connection too - okay girls let's call that quits
6. Let's leave the calling from the back to Ez please
7. Short corners being earnt, and working quite well, just not going in the goal - some things never change eh!
8. H&W have gone and scored again, with a cracking strike from open play
9. Mid field of Suzi, Lou, Fish and Suki all doing a sterling job again
10. Defence of Ez, Yvonne, Ali & Claire continually under pressure
11. H&W scored again, this is not the way it's supposed to be
12. Baldy equalised, back to 3-2, let's see if we can't rescue a draw from this
13. Jo, Debs and Baldy worked hard only to be constantly denied by the H&W keeper.
14. Final whistle, no draw, no win and no points

So our dream of winning the league with a game in hand was up in smoke. To say we were all gutted was an understatement. We didn't play badly, but I think if we're all honest, we knew we should have nailed that game. Lots of 'If only's', but hey we still have one more week to go, let's take it down to the wire ladies, and leave it till the last minute. Coach Duncan loves all that stress, and besides as Baldy often likes to point out stress is good for the 'sex life', and we aim to please on that front!

Thanks to everyone for supporting us, we really appreciate it, we're just sorry we couldn't nail it. It's Sunbury away next week, final game. There's still one point separating us and Harrow, so nothing more than a win will do. Come on girls let's have this, we've worked way too hard this season to go and fall at the last hurdle. Besides it's about time we made Coach Duncan cry!

Ladies 3rd XI

This was the rematch at home for our defeat of earlier in the season. Staines were much more up pace than the previous game and went into an early lead with a goal from Kate O'Kane, we continued to dominate with a further goal from Juliet Porter before the half time whistle.

In the second half Ashford continued their pressure by changing their system but Staines continued to dominate the game with a Sarah Horsnell scoring a brilliant reverse stick goal. Staines then relaxed and gave Ashford the chance to score in the last few minutes, but it was good and happy victory for the team gaining us 3 more points in the league. Man of the Match was Linda McCormack in midfield who was one of the few players who managed to stay on the pitch for the full game. Next week we face top of the league Aces and we are one of the few teams that have beaten them. If we get another win we could move up a slot in the league.

Ladies 4th XI

Eastcote started the stronger of the two sides. They dominated the game and took the lead after 15 minutes. Staines struggled to find the form they have enjoyed in recent weeks, but kept battling and soon brought the scores level through a well taken goal by Vicky. Through poor defending Staines found themselves behind again, but they refused to lie down. Tanya and Michelle played brilliantly in the midfield and were instrumental in Staines finishing the first half on level terms.
Staines were no where near their best and found themselves 3-2 down. They piled on the pressure and just when it looked as though they were going to finish the game empty handed, Michelle drove the ball home from a set piece.
Eastcote 3 - 3 Staines