Match Reports For Saturday 19th March Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

Mens 2nd XI

End of Term Report - Season 2004/5.

Name: PTOTY

Summary: It's been a competitive and enjoyable year for the young PTOTY, but ultimately lack of consistency and missed opportunities have seen the team not fulfill it's potential as promotion candidates. Discipline has at times been an issue, as well as lack of attendance. At times professional and highly motivated, but often lacking in concentration and composure, PTOTY will have to work hard on maintaining consistency and at winning tough games away from home. But despite this, the team stayed together through the good times and the bad, and were always last at the bar come Sunday morning. With the highest goal difference on the planet, PTOTY was always entertaining and justly deserves it's title as Most Likely to Stuff the Scum.

Individual reports:

Robbie 'Skipper' Watson - Inspirational. Captain my Captain. Lead from the front and often from the side. Useless in front of goal but assisted every single goal this year, even when away skiing. Got engaged to the lovely Sarah. Good work. 8/10.

Jonny 'JD' Dodwell - Grumpy. But only when the bleeding obvious was pointed out by Griggs. Didn't enjoy being told he'd lost the ball. Did enjoy winning the ball back and stuffing it in the onion bag countless times this season. 3rd top scorer and 1st top bloke. Soon to be a Dad. Congratulations. 7/10.

Roy 'Brittle' Staples - Soft. For a Northern bloke he breaks easily. Prior to his injury he was MOM week in, week out, and he was sorely missed. Too short to play in goal they said, but his record speaks for itself. Like a squirrel on speed. Jumpy. 9/10.

Jerry 'The Daddy' Gardien - Dutch. Plays as if he's not watching, but annoyingly always comes up with the ball. Recently became a Daddy and, if possible, it mellowed him out even more. So laid back he's horizontal. Which is how Kathleen got into trouble in the first place. Rumours are that he's considering leaving our shores next year. Permission denied. 7/10.

Clive 'Stato' Bolton - Committed. Both to the cause and to hospital. Provided the team with the necessary info and pictures to keep us interested all season long. Also provided us with the goal of the season (away at Brighton) and the most appropriate DOD vote - excessive dribbling after the Mid Sussex home game. Interesting sex life. 8/10.

Beno 'Virile' Horan - Potent. In front of goal and on Sunday mornings. Scored more than the Skipper, defended like a tank and perfected the 'Reverse Wafty Tackle'. Got fitter as the season went on and on the final game was seen running Gazelle like up the left wing to support the attack. Ben & Em are now expecting too. That's the left back for the PTOTY under-1's sorted then. Good work fella. 7/10.

Andy 'Nurse' Evans - Wobbly. Promoted to PTOTY half way through the season and hasn't looked back. Started to score a few so Skipper Watson relegated him to sweeper and he's been there ever since. Still nabbed a couple though despite Watson's best efforts. Awesome in defence and MOM most weeks. Bendiest stick in the team. 8/10.

Tim 'Pimp Daddy' Griggs - Fictitious. It's always hard to think up your own nick name, so I'll use the one my Mum uses for me. It's hard too to evaluate your own performance. Scored a few. Let in a few. Ran around a lot. Got carded a lot. Wrote the match reports and got the facts right almost 7% of the time. Enjoyed it immensely and look forward to 2005/6. Ego. 10/10.

Shane 'Ancient' Abdul - Silky. Annoyingly talented. Very selective on when he shows his full repertoire. Fakes calf injuries when he's bored and fancies abusing the Umpire. Can score for fun but isn't allowed up front. Sweeper extraordinaire but fancies himself as a forward next year. Probably be great, so we'll stick him at the back somewhere. Madras hot. 9/10.

Barry 'Mad Monk' Thomas - Dealer. Purveyor of fine drugs, and supplier to the elders of PTOTY. Scored 200-odd goals this season, only 300 or so behind Lee. At times brilliant. At times even better than that. And at times woeful. But thankfully that was restricted to a few wobbly weeks mid season during his soap opera love life phase. Got his MOJO back in the last few games and scored a fine hattrick on the final day. Did a stein to celebrate. Top bloke. 8/10.

Lee 'Onion Bag' Atkinson - Drag Queen. Top scored with 789 goals this year, 104% of which came from drag flicks at short corners. Scored 5 or so against some poor outfit and considered it a bad game if he didn't grab a hattrick. Some health issues. Often found to be a touch wobbly and feeling sick first thing on a Saturday. Suits late starts. Ladies favourite. The Skipper's quite fond of him too. 9/10.

Anton 'Barn Door' Long - Hairy. Dirty South African but a nice bloke with it, and who clearly bleeds blue. Romancer of Texans, and defender/half back of admirable quality. Just the one MOM this year but should have been plenty more. Probably the most consistent PTOTY member and despite quality performances week in, week out, has avoided relegation to the 1's. Same again next season please. Wig. 9/10.

Andy 'One Shot' Bromley - Young. But plays with the maturity of Barry. Only kidding, he's very composed and despite having the occasional tough time between the sticks for PTOTY, he's definitely a future star. Relegated to the 1's for the final game of the season as PTOTY welcomed back Soft Roy from injury, but I'm sure he'll recover from the psychological blow. Hard as nails and can sink a pint in 0.25 seconds. (Young) Ladies favourite. Jailbait. 7/10.

Matthew 'Wafty' Truman - Pasty. Neglected to play in the final game because the sun was out, but Matty has been awesome in the short time we've allowed him to play PTOTY this year. Took to centre half like a guppy to water. Scores goals for fun and commands the pitch in his sleep. Travels a long way for a grateful PTOTY. We hope he commits next year. Perfected 'The Wafty One'. Self proclaimed Player of the Year. 9/10.

Adam 'Sticky' Hart - Feisty. Pre-Xmas and post-injury had a good few runs out in the PTOTY. Had a great time and spanked in a few. But the lure of the bright lights was too much and he ditched us like a cheap date on a Sunday morning to drop down to the 1's. Will he be forgiven? Only time will tell. Will he ever buy me a pint? Unlikely. Will he ever develop a beer belly? Possibly. 8/10.

Matthew 'Bitch Slap' Humphreys - Aerobic. Fond of Lycra and spinning. Fittest bloke the club has ever seen, and 2nd only to Beno in PTOTY fitness. Unfortunately was restricted to limited appearances in PTOTY this season, but is keen to regain his place next year. Scored a sublime goal on his debut against The Scum. Bitched-slapped it in from the top of the D, when everyone else was expecting a slip pass. Good man to know for performance enhancing drugs. Cre(a)tin(e). 7/10.

Mark 'Wannabee' Hampton - Cannon. Loose. Played only a handful of games but bagged a few (cards) and nabbed a few (goals). Was devastated when dropped and had to play 1's away at Sevenoaks. Showed promise in his few chances with PTOTY and a definite candidate for next year. Needs to work on his aggression and his fitness. And he's far too noisy. But fix all of those and he'll get a shot next season. Balls. 8/10.

Mr Skippy - Anonymous. I'm sure he's got a first name but can't for the life of me remember what it is. But Skippy played a blinder in those first few games and is sorely missed. Rock solid defender who likes a scrap. Romancer of the blonde. Found the UK too cold so escaped to the Mother Land (God's Country) when the temperature reached 10c. Now plying his trade on a beach down under. Dude. 7/10.

Mr Graham - Ditto. Anonymous but showed great promise. Big hair and unlimited energy. Impossible to control but a useful player to have around. Sorry to see him go, just as he was getting going. Likewise to Skippy, found the UK to be a bit to inhospitable so we wish him well back in SA. Twisty. 7/10.

Mik 'Missing' Quinlan - Speedy. Started off strong but disappeared early in the season. Robbie claims not too have seen him. Team dispatched to check under his patio. Xmas BBQ chez' Watson did taste odd now I come to think of it. Steak. 7/10.

Duncan 'Coach' Foster - Tart. Sold his soul to the devil. When possible offered support to the PTOTY and it was welcomed with open arms. But unfortunately his loyalties were split between us and PTOTY-wannabees the Ladies 2's. Yeah they won their league (well done girls...) but at what cost? Expect Coach Duncan to join Mik under The Skipper's patio. Only kidding. Thanks for your support. Geezer. 8/10.

Special note: PTOTY stuck 8 past a hapless Henley on Saturday, in the process relegating them from the league. Oops. Dunno who scored. Probably 4 each for Barry and Lee. Many thanks to the fans who attended both Saturday and all year. There's a lot of love.

Special mention: Big thanks to Skipper Watson. Great season, enjoyed by all. Please note that appearances for the PTOTY in 2005/6 will be strictly by application only. Applications to play must be submitted by June 1st 2005 in writing to Skipper Watson c/o Staines Hockey Club. Applications submitted WITHOUT the 250 quid administration fee and your 2000-word essay on "why I deserve to play PTOTY" will be rejected immediately. You have been warned.

"We're PTOTY. We're PTOTY. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're PTOTY".

Cheers.

Mens 3rd XI

And so, the last game was upon us. Dressed in our bluest blue, we set off for Wokingham, home of the lower team tournaments of old, home of a very dark and dingy bar and of course, home to the Astro Du Soleil, the worlds only private inland rectangular beach. The sun beat down on our backs as the stalwarts that are Matt, Porn King, Tart, Gingsley, Pid, Andre, Alpo, Chubby, Wild Bill, Seth Efrikan Chris, my good self and the Scouser began to make sandcastles on the sidelines and generally catch rays before the game commenced.

Wokingham were top of the league and we knew this was going to be a tough game, we really had nothing to play for, but it would be nice to go out on a win, especially as this was my last league game for Staines as I fancy something that has less bruising to occupy my Saturdays.

Whistles were blown and with Alpo’s first touch of the ball, I knew that he was in for one of his long overdue howlers of a game. Actually, that’s not fair as Al wasn’t alone in his battle against rubbishness, we all had a hefty dose of it. Meanwhile, the man in charge of the goal floodgates at Wokingham was busying himself as he feverishly cranked them open to their widest position. Once opened up, the opposition simply blew us all away. Their first goal was ably passed straight to their centre forward by a rather confused Mr Hudson. And after that it became a bit of a blur. Half time and we were 4-0 down, with Wokingham looking every bit the league leaders and Staines looking like an assortment of drunken Morris Dancers that had decided to trade their pigs’ bladders and hankies for really cheap hockey sticks. We were all over the place. I think we troubled the Wokingham goalie twice in the whole game and our short corners were pants. This is not to say that Chubby and Chris played badly up front, we just couldn’t find them to get them involved! The middle of the park was exposed to say the least and we made more than our fair share of defensive and Goalkeeping cock ups.

At half time, we switched things around so that Tart and Rich would be our defence. Stuey was working hard but Alpo kept on running off, leaving us all alone. Fortunately, we were not on our own for long as we had most of the Wokingham team for company, 3 more goals went in and with 10 minutes to spare I decided to stop throwing my toys about and settle back to enjoy the game, laughing with the Umpires, our new defensive back line and some of the Opposition too, mainly about how bobbins we were. Their last goal was from a short corner that was going nicely wide, till Alpo deflected it in for an 8-0 drubbing.

Oh dear oh dear. On a positive note, yes, we were below average, but then again, so is 50% of the population. That’s one in two people you know.

This means that if the person nearest you isn’t an idiot, you must be.

MOM: Me, sympathy vote as it’s my last game

DOD: Rich, for his top quality pass to start Wokingham on the warpath.

So that’s it, another season over and the end of my weekly winter roll-about-on-the-floor-whilst-angry-looking-people-fire-objects-at-me activities. I would have liked to finished back with the boys in the Deep Heat encrusted 4’s, but due to Roys’ broken arm, that was not meant to be. I have enjoyed playing at Staines immensely, you couldn’t ask for a better club or people, as even after getting panned some weeks by the opposition, we all could have a smile and a laugh about it afterwards (and usually while it was happening too!) If I have ever shouted at you whilst you ran your guts out on pitch, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it (This does not include you Colin).

Of course, I will not be going anywhere, so I will still be visiting and down to watch the odd game here and there.

See you at the dinner dance. I’m there mainly for the dinners and if Mr Hudson attends, no doubt we shall get to see his dinner dance at some stage

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.........

Episode IV

A New Hope

It is a period of civil war. Rebel Staines spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won another victory against the evil Galactic empire, South Div 2.
During the battle rebel spies manage to steal the plans to the Empire's ultimate team Death Star Purley, an armoured bunch of farmers with enough power to win an entire league.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents Princess Ellie races home aboard her Ford Ka starship, custodian of the stolen news that can amaze her people and restore justice to the galaxy..........(Purley lost and we're top of the league!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 'AVE IT !!!!!!!!)

But first Basingstoke, under the power of the Dark Lord Darth Vader, needed to be crushed and revenge sought. Shay (Obi-Wan) Kenobi had taught his Jedi knights well. They were skilled in dribbling, could wield light sabers at 3am and were strong in the Force. Any mistakes would have dire consequences for the galaxy. Flying in her X-wing starfighter Gold Leader Suter struck the enemy at light speed (26 seconds to be precise). A weakness in the Imperial troops had been found. Wave after wave of attack came from the Jedi knights and Audrey Skywalker with the help of R2-Truman2 dealt another 3 blows to the Basingstoke battle station. Gold Leader Suter went in again for the attack. The Force was strong and Vader's Imperial troops unleashed a deadly barrage of dark side energy on the young (??!!) Jedi knights. But the Millennium Falcon came to the rescue and the Jedi defence was strong (only let one goal in!). Hans Mel Solo faced Jabba the Hutt and resisted the tractor beam. With skillful use of a sporting blaster the rebel scored another victory (penalty stroke) and Vader was defeated. The Imperial troopers fled.

Shay (Obi-Wan) Kenobi was proud of his Staines Jedi knights and awarded Katie Kate Chewbacca the knight of the fight. The rebel troops returned to the safety of Yoda's hut and celebrations for defeating the enemy were vast and went long (very long) into the night.

The battle had been won but the fight was not over. The Maidenhead Empire would be looking to strike back.

Not a chance!!!!

Episode IV Databank Entries

Well done Ladies 2s on winning the league. Absolutely brilliant!!!!!!

Ladies 2nd XI

Hell is gone and Heaven's here, there's nothing left for us to fear, because WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS.

After last week's disappointment, we were determined not to blow it this week. Training was essential as always. The group therapy session looked a little at times like an advert for the Early Learning Centre. Coach Shay decided towards the end of the session to introduce his idea of 'fun'. 'We're going to run towards one cone, change direction, flick the ball and run after it'…..yeah right of course we are Coach. You've heard that expression about old dogs and new tricks!

So off for our one on one therapy session with the Agent of Satan! Boy was Coach Duncan grumpy on Wednesday, at one point he said training would resume in May. Oh I get it Coach…like humour…but different.

Coach Duncan set us an exercise which having done once we were told simply wasn't good enough. Do it again, get the shots on target or you WILL spend the rest of the session running. We in the Ladies 2s don't need telling twice where running is concerned. Training over, and we were advised not to overdo it Friday night-anything for our Agent of Satan (although his duties are mainly ceremonial!). Captain Fantastic Lou confused just about everyone with the timings for Saturday, and AN e-mail the following day was required. So Ladies that's a 11.45 meet at Staines for a 12 o'clock meet at Sunbury and we push back at 1.00pm. And for the last time this season Don't be late.

So Saturday dawned bright and cheerful. You just knew it was going to be a good day. The weather was something of a surprise, good grief we are in danger of getting a suntan or heatstroke. We arrive in dribs & drabs but no one is late. Fish has shorts and flip-flops, Ali has shades and more importantly no wimpy undershirt, Yvonne, Oli & Lou all have posh hair, and just to lower the tone Coach Duncan is bare chested. Please Coach put your top back on, we're all feeling a bit ill, and that six pack you keep talking about is at least one can short right now!!!

Coach Duncan issues his orders we're team talking at 12.30, v v gentle 10 min warm up with Fish, ball between 2, few shots on goal and then we're off. Get some water on board girls. Suzi can you get the water bottles from the car ? Off she trots, and returns empty handed 'You're not going to believe this' go on try us we're not proud, 'I've filled the bottles up, but left them at the club'. That's Dick of the Day for you then I'm afraid. Coach Duncan sends Suzi on a mission for water. She eventually returns with supplies. Well done Suzi, but you're still getting Dick of the Day. Coach Duncan feels the need to tell us that he's going to be w*nkered by 6pm. Great something to look forward to then girls!

Team talk was all up beat, we're going to win this league today girls, we've already been promoted, but let's do this for us and show why we are the best. Coach Duncan has a new short corner routine for us. We can only do it once, it all sounds a bit confusing, Lou is worried it might not be legal, but our illustrious Coach assures us it is, as it's been used in the Mens game. We're still not convinced, but we'll try anything once for our coach.

Game on then ladies:

Notable points:

1: We won 5-1, we ARE the CHAMPIONS just in case you hadn't heard!
2: How hot is it on the park ? Coach put your shirt on you'll get 3rd degree burns and it's only March.
3: Bit slow off the mark today girls, come on lets get the scoring underway.
4: Oh my god we've been given a Flick. We haven't covered this in training. Oli bravely steps up to give it a go following Coach Duncan's advice. Damn the keeper saved it. Unlucky Oli, still it saves Coach Duncan basking in more glory.
5: First short corner, time for the new routine. Jo to push out to Ez, while the rest of us huddle at the top of the D, looking like we're not ready - that won't be difficult then. Jo pushes, Ali shouts go, Ez strikes the forwards are in on the keeper, and blow me we nearly pulled it off.
6: I know who scored but no idea in which order, so if I get it wrong - tough. Do I look like a people person?
7: Baldy gets the scoring underway, followed possibly by Oli, with her standard flick over the keeper routine. I think we can safely say that works, any time you want to vary it just let us know.
8: 2-0 at half time, we really need some more goals ladies.
9: More goals it is then. This time Captain Lou with a superior reverse stick touch past the keeper. Awesome
10: Jo manages to stick one in the back of the net, that's 4-0 to us.
11. Baldy nets another, tries for a third but ends up with a smack on the nose from the ball, blood everywhere, followed by cries of, 'Is it broken, I'm a stewardess you know I can't go to work looking like this'.
12. Excellent encouragement and calling from Oli in defence. Very authoritative definitely a Captain in the making there.
13. As always excellent work in the mid-field from Fish, Suzi, Lou and Ruth
14. Great tackling and running from the defence of Ez, Yvonne and Ali.
15. The forwards, Baldy, Debs, Suki and Jo, continually threatened to score more goals, and were only denied by some excellent keeping from Sunbury.
16. Julie brilliant in goal as always. Special thanks to Julie for stepping into goal following Abi's departure.
17. Sunbury managed to snatch a goal with a last minute short corner, by this time we were past caring.
18. Final whistle, 5-1 to us, top of the league and going up into Middlesex Premier next season.

Thanks to Abi, Hels W and Josh, and Jo's hubby and kids for coming to support us. Much appreciated. So back to the club for serious celebrations. Captain Katie Kate forced us to neck Pimms the minute we set foot in the door. It's going to be a long evening. Several bottles of Champagne later and Coach Duncan has us playing drinking games. This may have been my downfall. For future reference, I'm clearly no good at this, there's no point in trying to stitch me up as I can do that all by myself! Most of Saturday evening/Sunday morning is now a blur, but apparently we enjoyed ourselves. I'm sure we were quite incoherent towards the end, 'It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying'.

So finally all that remains is for us to say a huge thank you to everyone who played for us supported us, and bought us bottles of champagne. Well done to Captain Fantastic Lou, and Coach 'of the year' Duncan.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS !

Ladies 3rd XI

In the first instance let me apologise for the lack of detail in this match report. But the fact that it was the last league game of the season, coupled with this being my last match with the club was just too much for me (yes I am moving on to pastures new - and preferably somewhere that doesn't involve me travelling on the M4 - at all !!).

Despite this I do remember that we did play on saturday, goals were scored - unfortunately not by us - but we were playing top of the league (who we quickly realised were there for a reason). Ialso distincly remember a couple of incidents where both Lou and Wendy defended the goal mouth to the bitter end - even if that involved selflessly putting their bodies in the path of the ball. Ialso recall Linda's distant cry of ' watch their number six' as their number six intercepted the ball and with a clean strike put it swiftly into the back of our goal.

Aside from this the birds were singing, the sun was shining and it was all in all a beautifull day. We successfully ended the season 5th in the league, a good couple of places higher than last season and everyone was happy.

All that's left to do is bid you all a fond farewell, good luck with everything and hope to see you again sometime.

Ladies 4th XI