Match Reports For Saturday 9th April Season 2004 - 2005

Mens 1st XI

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

The Battle of Purley Farmers 2005AD

It had been another uncomfortable night in the trenches for the Staines Battalion. The lack of sleep was starting to take its toll. As the sun rose across No Man's Land the troops prepared for the final surge over the top. This would be the deciding moment of the war. This would be the end.

It was time for the briefing. Major O'Connell and Sergeant Foster gathered their elite squad together in the communication trench. 'Well this is it men. What we've been fighting for the past 8 months (at this point can I just add how long our bl**dy league went on for this year!), said Major O'Connell. 'The defence - that's you Corporal McClean, Private Strudley and GI Alderson - must hold firm. Nothing must come through!'. 'Yes Sir' replied the three, now very nervous...rashes showing, toilet required..soldiers.
'Private Owens, you need to scream the rear guard instructions. The middle rank must be the link to the striking force. Privates Truman, Stacey, Chandler and Bambi...you must drive into the enemy'. The squad acknowledged these instructions.
'Remember, we have plenty of reserves as back up. We are going to win this battle. Farmers might be able to play on grass, but it takes a proper team to play on astro'.

The soldiers returned to the trenches and readied themselves for the battle. The whistle was to be blown at 11.30hrs. Private Attfield tried to boost the morale by getting the lads to sing the Vera Lynne classic 'Is this the way to Amarillo?'. It seemed to be working. Private Hine polished her glittery rifle and fixed the bayonet.

'OK lads. This is it!', shouted Sergeant Foster. 'Top of the morning to you Sir', replied Corporal McClean who was a little nervous and a bit mad.

The whistle blew. Over the top went the Staines Battalion into the expanse of No Man's Land. They ploughed through the rolls of barbed wire and surged towards the Purley trenches. Snipers were trying to take a pop at the first wave but Private Truman kept doing impressive rolls to avoid injury or was it in sheer terror? Private O'Connell took a random shot to the knee and went down. The soldier was as hard as steel girders and got back up again to fight on. Private Strudley and GI Alderson did have a few problems with their equipment. It kept getting tangled and the only way they could release the rifles was by hurling them towards the enemy. A slightly bizarre tactic, but if it worked for them who was to complain.
Private Hine had a few technical hitches with the radar system but the glittery weapon proved too much for the Purley right flanker. The normally loyal Staines Battalion did have a slight glitch when Private Stacey was tempted to go AWOL with a Purley soldier. 'This is not the time for a cup of tea' screamed Private Bambi.

Victory was in sight and it looked as if the enemy were going to raise the white flag in surrender. It would only be a few moments more. 'Come on Staines, let them have it!' screamed Private Flint from the rear.

Suddenly a silence descended across the battlefield and a white flag was hoisted from the Purley front trenches. 'I always knew they were wooses' muttered Private Chapman.
'Blood hell. With Corporal McClean in the trenches, Purley have run all the way back to Amarillo and then some....'ave it!' shouted Sergeant Foster. The amazing fighting spirit of the Staines Battalion had shone again.

The war had been won. Staines were the victors.

Picking up the wounded the elite squad walked jubilantly back to the trenches to the incredible cheers of the Blue Army. Major O'Connell, knowing how to keep his men happy, handed Corporal McClean a bottle of champagne. 'It has been a top morning, Major. And I've got a great tip for the National' said McClean.
'You and the lads have made me incredibly proud. Not only has the Irish Revolution continued but you're also the most successful battalion in the Blue Army. Now go and get completely hammered on champagne, cider, schnapps and Black Smirnoff Ice. You deserve it' instructed Major O'Connell.
And with that Corporal McClean and Private Chapman skipped off to the reserve trenches.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI