Match Reports For Saturday 24th September Season 2005 - 2006

Mens 1st XI

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

The Dukes of Staines

Just the good ole' girls
Never meanin' no harm
Beats all you never saw,
Been in trouble with the coach
Since the day they were born
Straightnin' the curves
Flattenin' the sticks
Some day the league might get them but Havant never will
Makin' their way the only way they know how
That's just a little bit more than Havant will allow
Just the good ole' girls
Wouldn't change if they could
Fightin' the league like true-modern day Robin Hoods
YEEEEEE - HAW!!!!!!!!!!!

Well it all started on a clear and beautiful morning, which was as sweet as some newly squeezed cider. Katie Bo had been up since 8am and had been acting mighty stressed. The first league game had arrived and she felt a swig of Aunty Audrey's moonshine wouldn't go amiss.
She climbed into the General Peugeot Lee and hot tailed it to Staines County. She was only a hop, skip and a jig away. As she screeched into the car park the other Dukes and pals were there apart from one. Deputy Ellie Hogg was taking it easy, grizzly. Last heard to be on top of an elephant.

Mellie Luke and Daisy Jo were acting more tex than usual. Kerry Cooter, an old possum hunting buddy of Aunty Audrey, was acting stranger than a hound dog under a full moon. Six out-house stops and an inappropriate phonecall. It was the pre match nerves. Shay Hogg didn't want the Dukes and friends to be up the creek without a paddle so he laid it down straight, "Play well or you're going to be worse off than a one legged man at a Staines County butt kicking competition".

Not wanting to put a clot in the buttermilk the gang got cracking. They went in attacking as hot as a beagle on its first ever hunt. However within 28 minutes the Havant scallywags had put Aunty Audrey and Daisy Jo in more trouble than a weasel caught in a hen house. Enos Mags hadn't a hope. The team hadn't figured on that, folks.

But you can beat a jug of your finest moonshine the Staines posse wouldn't sit back. Sheriff RosJo P. Coltrane said "Oooooohhh! I'm in hot pursuit of that ball" and knocked it in to make the game level. "I love it! I love it!" she screamed. But 7 minutes later the damned Havant varmints had hot tailed it back to Enos Mags, with the help of some slight tomfoolery by Katie Bo and Sue Flash. Life can be so cruel sometimes. Half time and Staines County were 2-1 down. Shay Hogg was impressed by the effort and sweat that had been put in and encouraged the team that all would be fine and dandy. And mark my words, he was right.

Sheriff RosJo P. Coltrane let it rip and scored her second. It was all square and it was now over to Mellie Luke to finish them off. "Let's get cracking, yahoo!!!" said Katie Bo. Mellie Luke scored a corker of a penalty stroke. It was a real ding buster. Then she drilled the ball in the bottom left corner. "Mellie Luke, if you weren't my cousin I'd marry you", said Daisy Jo. "Never stopped anybody in this family before" replied Mellie Luke.

Aww, buzzard on a buzzsaw! It's back to the story. Final whistle went and Staines had won their first ever league game in South Div One County. "It sure beats sitting in a rocking chair!" said wise Aunty Audrey. Right then Shay Hogg was happier than a boar knee-deep in slop. It just goes to show that you're never too young when it comes to having fun in Staines County, y'hear! YEEEE-HAW!!!!!

Snatch of the Match : Mellie Luke
Doris of the Day: Kerry Cooter

OR

STAINES LADIES 1st XI 4 - 2 Havant

Staines began their first ever South Division 1 game full of hope and confidence,determined that they would not be outclassed on their new stage.Likewise Havant were keen to let the new girls know what was in store for the home team in the coming season and wanted to make their presence felt from the start with some aggresive tackling and clever gamesmanship.

Despite taking control for the opening 15 minutes,Staines were unable to turn several good opportunities into goals and were made to pay shortly after as Havant took the lead with their first real effort from open play,a sweetly struck reverse stick shot.The home side showed great spirit and were rewarded for their persistence when Jo Ive slammed home Mel Martell's cross moments before half time.

Havant then rocked the home side 2 minutes into the second half scoring another well worked goal but Staines were once again thankful for the opportunist Ive who latched onto a rebound off the visitor 'keeper to level the score once more.It was only 3 minutes later that Staines were to take the lead for the first time in the game as Mel Martell scored a penalty stroke and from that moment on there only looked to be one winner,despite Maggie Owens having to make crucial saves to keep the home side ahead.Staines' dogged determination finally brought another goal,Martell hammering home a penalty corner to cap a fine performance.Havant's inability to deal with a midfield of Martell,Kerry Maskery,Sue O'Connell and Claire Woods proved the difference between the sides as all gave fine performances.

Next week Staines travel to Wimbledon who have won this League 3 out of the last 4 seasons but haven't been promoted to the National League because they have their 1st XI already in the League and no Club is allowed more than 1 side in the National League.Staines will have to take more of their chances against such strong opposition if they are to make their mark this season but with their first 3 points of the season from their first game they can continue with confidence.

On Sunday Staines entertained local rivals Sunbury in the 1st round of the England Hockey Cup,winning 3-2 thanks to goals from Alex Stacey and a brace from Kerry Maskery in a less than pleasing manner for coach Seamus O'Connell who had hoped for a better performance following Saturday's result.That said he remains content with the win and to be in the draw for round 2 but knows a significantly better showing will be needed against Wimbledon next week.

Ladies 2nd XI

The mighty Ladies 2s experienced the joys of the M25 and the even greater delights of town centre traffic before still managing to be early for what the Doc had warned would be a toughie against a team effectively in a league above us - not inconsiderable challenge since the ladies have just jumped up a league themselves.

If Coach watched our warm up he would have been concerned, as first (second, third...) touches went more than mildly awry, and pushes and passes dribbled along on a sticky sandpit of a pitch.

Yet by the time of the whistle, a transformation had occurred. St. Albans didn't get out of their half for most of the opening period, 'the press' mercilessly pinning them back. New-found forward Super Ali flew gazelle-like down the right and left wings terrorising the defence into mistakes. Captain Lou hounded their midfielders while Oli and the defence of Eryl, Yvonne, Ema (yes, there is only one m in her name and no, I don't know why...), was rock solid, including the occasional filthy tackle as required. Excellent.

Highlight of the first half (oh, apart from the goal) was Baldie's entrance to the game after 20 minutes. Actually, Baldie had provided great amusement since she arrived in dark sunglasses, couldn't manage the warm-up, and disappeared to the little girls room for long periods. We knew better than to approach within a 10 metre radius.

Talking of ten metres, I think the umpire agreed. Kept waving her away by that distance, just after coming into the action. Firstly for "What was that for?" Immediately followed, for good measure, by 10 more for questioning the accuracy of prescription of the ump's specs... Quality introduction to the game. Welcome back!

Ah - the umpiring. Coach Duncan took up the mantle like a legend. Cautioning their No.4 had the effect of being welcomed more by the home side "why didn't you just send her off, I would have" than Staines - inspired.

To the hockey and the goals.

#1 Short corner won (probably from some "Serene" skills (awful, sorry...)) and taken out faster than a speeding bullet (slowed down in the sandpit) top D. Straight strike from Eryl took more deflections than a pinball but Ez-power was plenty for it to rocket into the right hand corner. 1-0 Staines.

H/T, lots of water, and a shoeing for some slackness in the last 10.

#2 Another short corner (no idea how...) - again comes out top D, this time slipped left to Oli, who, having perfected her art of hitting the 'keeper when playing 7's for the 1's, repeated the feat. This time, though, the shot was good enough to leave the keeper 'beached' on the... beach... and Ruth had plenty of time to pick up the ball and beat the player on the line. 2-0.

#3 A goal from open play. Baldie's back on form, rounds the 'keeper - who's on the beach again - spanks it home.

MOM

4th - Hels Fish for covering the whole beach at least ten times, quickly, with no shortage of skill

2nd = Ruth, and new recruit 'Tinks' (still have trouble bringing myself to write that...) for ensuring the classy ladies of the 2s retained a clean sheet

But... Clear winner was Super Ali, our flexible friend and convert to the forward-line. The chants of 'Coisty, Coisty, give us a goal' have begun...

Silky stuff girlies. Top effort. Olympic standard I'd say...

Ladies 3rd XI

Ladies 4th XI

Ladies 5th XI

On 24th September, the 5th VI Ladies team played London Transport at their home ground, NPL in Teddington, winning 3-2.

Playing on grass took getting used to as the ball tended to bounce eveywhere, and our extra players went on loan to the London Transport team.

The first goal came from Charlotte Ellison in the first half. She soon followed up with a second, Ali scoring the third.

The second half saw London Transports second goal trickle between the goalies leg's after bouncing off a tuft of grass, securing Kate "Doris of the Day"

There were a number of chances for more goals, however most ended up being deflected off the post.
Player of the match went to Claire Knight for her ability to be eveywhere.