Match Reports For Saturday 8th October Season 2005 - 2006

Mens 1st XI

On Saturday Staines took on newly promoted West Hampstead HC and ran out 2-1 winners in a closely fought game. After last weeks poor result Staines were looking for their first points of the season and they were made to work hard
for them.

The game began with West Hampstead putting the Staines backline under tremendous pressure and eventually they scored after their centre forward escaped the attention of Liam Greene before rounding goalkeeper Andy Green and lifting his shot into the roof of the net from close range. This jerked Staines into life and after some pressure of their own they managed to secure an equaliser within five minutes. Andy Evans' cross was deflected by both Geraint Hughes and Paul Arnott before new centre forward, Rich Cardigan finished from close range.

With the game becoming very tight neither side created many chances and it was into the second half before Staines hit the target with a winner from Andy Evans. A strong tackle in midfield put the West Hampstead backline in a
panic and Rich Cardigan found Andy Evans with some space in the circle and he beat two players and then calmly chipped the ball over the advancing 'keeper.

This 2-1 win puts points on the board for Staines who now look forward to playing PHC Chiswick this Saturday.

Mens 2nd XI

Right then. Played in this one so here's what really happened. PTOTY travelled down to Brighton(ish) for an eagerly awaited dose of revenge. Dunno if you recall, but a confident and unbeaten PTOTY went down to Mid-Sussex last season, only to get turned-over 2-1 in a PITIFUL game in which PTOTY played some of the worst hockey ever to grace an astro. We were pants.

So it was with revenge in our minds that we took to the field on an unusually warm October morning, and duly delivered a thumping to our hosts.

First half was hard work, mainly due to the heat, but also because Mid-Sussex don't even try to attack you, preferring to just sit back and make you do all the running, hoping that maybe scoring goals will tire you out, and they can grab a couple back. And so it transpired. After almost total possession, PTOTY had created numerous chances before the sprightly duo of JD and Mark conjoured up a beautiful opener, with JD firing in for Mark to deflect top-left leaving the keeper stranded. Actually, not sure the keeper was even watching, but it was still some finish. 1-0.

Next up was Barry T. Arrived late but was forgiven as he'd brought along the lovely Anna to shout abuse from the sideline. She's feisty. He sat out the first 15 mins, but strolled on to grab a blinder within seconds. Neat play between Watson and JD saw Griggs shoot (wide) for Thomas to instinctively deflect at the far post. 2-0 it stayed until half-time, despite hundreds of good opportunities to seal the game. And not before Watson had played the game of his life at right-back, not giving their nippy winger a sniff, and being part of everything good coming down the right.

Second half started much like the first, but PTOTY were more clinical in their finishes, and put us 5-0 up in no time. Can't remember the order, but Barry grabbed a couple more (including a jammy lob over the keeper but they all count) and JD the other. Could and should have been many more, but frankly, scoring goals tires you out and before the end we were dragging ourselves around trying to stay awake. Mid-Sussex has no desires on our goal line and even the Umpire was heard to say "Thank God that's over". They did sneak a couple right at the end. Both soft, and both annoyed Skipper Watson. He's concerned about our lack of concentration, but we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves. We were knackered, had put the game out of reach and only played badly for 2 mins which allowed them to score with their only two shots of the game. So let's just blame Roy and move on to next week.

MOM deservedly went to Skipper Watson for his first half domination. Special mention to Barry for 3 goals in as many minutes. He's on fire this year.

DOD went to '2-shots' Roy. Serves him right for falling asleep.

So that played 2, won 2 for PTOTY. Puts us top with a healthy goal difference and the only 100% record in the league. But a tough game against Trojans coming up on Saturday, but we're at home, and are confident of making it 3 for 3.

Hope to see you there....

Mens 3rd XI

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

For the record.

Chips beans and sausages make a choice calorific input even two weeks in a row and with the smell of warm napalm lingering in the clubhouse we gathered in the morning sunshine.

Would you belieeeeeeve it another young lady girl arrives fresh faced to blow for us. Top tooting from CJ and my doesn’t that colour suit you.

(Sorry to the big C – that organiser of all that blow – couldn’t make a courtesy call this week as I’m stupid and I forgot).

Walton & Weighbridge Hawks had come ready for battle but had forgotten that they had to play in white when away! Doh!

We lent them a couple or three shirts and the game merrily commenced.

They had 10 we had 11 – gooooooood.

Their 11th man arrives after a short time – baaaaaaaad

And then………

In the first aid kit are several useful things – Gloves that are two small for the regular man (or does Fun time Frankie have big hands?), a pair of scissors with blunt ends several bandages and a very, very, very small alcohol wipe.

With “man in white” trying to stain the D a lovely claret colour all were put to reasonable use.

They had 10 we had 11 – goooooooood (but honestly kids don’t do this at home – not the best way to go one man up – head butting sticks baaaaaad).

A compress, a few sticky plasters and a bit of ice and “man in white with red splashes” was ready for Sausages, beans and Chips courtesy of Dan the Man.

But there was more game to be had though both sides were salivating at the thought of those freshly cooked slivers of compressed potato mush dowsed in a scalding tub of reject petrol sitting jauntily with two reconstituted pig slurry mini logs sheathed in a biodegradable and (thankfully) edible toasted cocoon washed down with the finest downwardly gaseous producing tomato based porridge type stuff.

……and once again we return back to the trials and tribulations taking place on the field of dreams.

Once again their GK had to bend over several times and ours only bent over once.

Scorers this week were:

Martin 1

Chris 1

Gordy 3

Which all added up to the princely sum of 5 to the W&W 1 which – to the uninitiated (and I know there are a few of you out there) is 5-1 and as we scored more than they did which makes it a win.

We all enjoyed ourselves – opo thought so – we thought so - so probably true.

Start to league gooooooooooooooood.

Off to the land of “No Food” Cheam next week to play on the non water based trampoline surface – oh joy.

Oh Danny boy the deep fat fryer’s calling – can we get a take away.

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

13 hockey prisoners
1 chance for escape
The Great Escape


Based on the amazing true story...................


In 2005, the Epsoms opened Stalag Luft South - a maximum security prisoner of hockey camp destined to hold even the craftiest of escape artists. In doing so however the Nasties unwittingly assemble the finest escape team in hockey history. Together through the guidance of the brilliant Bartlett (Coach Shay), the resourceful Hendley (Kaviar) and the steely determined Hilts (Captain Katie Kate) they plot, scheme and dig their way to victory at any cost.

The plan was coming together nicely despite some pre-escape nerves. Captain Katie 'The Cooler Queen' Hilts was having a dilemma over which shirts would be best for the final escape, Flight Lt Audrey 'The Forger' Blythe, with failing eyesight, had hit the deck with a thud on the Wednesday night rehearsal, Lt. Commander Struds 'Dispersal' Ashley-Pitt had nearly killed fellow inmate Flight Lt Suki 'Intelligence' MacDonald with a misfired missile and Flight Lt. Mellie 'The Tunneller' Dickes had accidentally dug in the wrong direction much to the amusement of Hilts, Ashley-Pitt and Flying Officer Alex 'The Manufacturer' Stacey-Sedgwick.

Despite these final hitches, Squadron Leader Shay 'Big X' Bartlett had the prisoners ready to go. "Right guys, this is it. Plan is to start by holding back. One has to say some very strange things in the job I have". By the reaction of the guys faces it did seem as if they understood. One last thing remained. Captain Katie 'The Cooler Queen' Hilts had to approach the enemy, but before being made to go to the fence and facing the Nasties a bit of advice was needed in what to say to the prison commandant (who incidentally was miserable, unfriendly and got Hilts all fired up). Flight Lt. Angela 'The Tunnel Queen' Velinski was the one to ask.

Katie: Ange, do you speak Epsomian?
Ange: A little, but only one sentence.
Katie: Well, let me have it mate.
Ange: Ia vas liubliu.
Katie: Ia ia vas....
Ange: Liubliu.
Katie: Liubliu? Ia vas liubliu. Ia vas liubliu. What's it mean?
Ange: I love you.
Katie: "Love you". What bloody good is that?
Ange: I don't know. I wasn't going to use it myself.

The Cooler Queen had more sensible conversations in solitary confinement.
The time had come.......for The Great Escape.
The first 35 minutes didn't go quite as Squadron Leader Shay 'Big X' Bartlett had planned. In fact it was going ever so slightly pear-shaped. The Nasties were one-up on the prisoners. What to do? Bartlett needed to think fast. "OK lads. Scrap the first idea. We're going for the all out escape and let the Nasties have it. They've trapped us here too long. We're better than this guys!! So let's go!" The prisoners faces lit up with the delight. They knew what to do.

Now it was time for Flight Lt. Kez 'The Scrounger' Hendley to take control of the escape and put them on the same level as the Nasties (1-1 with 10 minutes to go, by the way!). Then they got back at the enemy the hardest way they could, by messing up the works. After some fantastic techniques from Flying Officer Alexibald 'The Mole' Teasdale it was over to Mellie 'The Tunneller' Dickes to fire a shot straight at the heart of the enemy. "Run guys, run!!!" screamed Bartlett. They were all free before the siren wailed. The 13 heroes had made the Great Escape.

The Nasties looked shell-shocked. How had it happened? The prison commandant had to admit defeat and told Captain Katie 'The Cooler Queen' Hilts "It looks, after all, as if you will see the top of the league before I do". Hilts smiled and dreamed of cider.

It had been a truly magnificent performance by the 13 and Bartlett was busting with pride. "You are all @**&ing stars!!" he said. "Don't we @**&ing know it!" replied Captain Katie Hilts who was voted star of the escape. The prisoners all patted each other on the back (more like one big team hug) and then fled in different directions. There were still many months of the Great South War to go and the Purley Farmers were coming in from the South Western Front.

"Good luck team and take no prisoners!" said Captain Katie 'The Cooler Queen' Hilts, who was going up North on a special secret mission to locate smEllie 'The Ferret" who had gone AWOL with Chandler and GI Jane...........but that's another story.

Or

It's an old cliche but Saturday's encounter was indeed a game of 2 halves !! Both teams were looking to continue their 100% records and with the visitors short of 3 key players they started on a more cautious footing. This however only gave the home side the opportunity to dictate the game from the outset as Staines struggled to gel with several players having to play out of position. Epsom made this pressure pay in the 15th minute when Fiona Champness struck home their first penalty corner of the game. Despite a change in both tactics and personnel Staines' players were individually finding the going tough and it was only the defending of Captain Kate McClean and the 'keeping of Maggie Owens that kept the score at 1-0 at the interval.

Coach Seamus O'Connell then reverted to an all out attack policy from the restart and what a response it brought from visitors. Forwards Jo Ive, Ros Suter and Alex Teasdale all went close early on as Owens was enjoying a deserved break from duty at the other end. Kerry Maskery and Angela Gregory started to control the midfield and incessant pressure finally paid dividends when Maskery neatly deflected home from a penalty corner for a deserved equaliser. With Staines now firmly on the front foot the only question was whether or not there was time for a winner. With Epsom still unable to put any pressure on the Staines defence this allowed the visitors the space to continue creating chances. With only 6 minutes remaining it was time for Mel Martell to step up to the plate and take the plaudits as she hammered an unstoppable shot from a penalty corner. The expected Epsom onslaught never came and indeed it was Staines who came closest to adding to the scoreline.

The win now leaves Staines as the only side with a 100% record in South Premier Division 1 as they entertain the other newly promoted side (along with themselves) Purley Walcountians at Worple Road this Saturday, push back at 11.30am. Staines however will once again be unable to put out a full strength side as influential Captain Kate McClean and midfielder Suki Gilliland will be missing from Saturdays victory although they will be delighted to have back Sue O'Connell and Claire Woods for the game.

Ladies 2nd XI

Ladies 3rd XI

After thrilling the crowd last week in the Faulkners primetime slot the Ladies 3rd XI were relegated to the graveyard slot of 4pm as well as having to compete with an England World Cup Qualifier! So, many thanks to the loyal crowd who cheered us on – you know who you are….!

Staines started off confident and after a fair bit of even play Ju managed to slot the ball past the Teddington keeper! Hurrah!! The blue army's heads were up but they were seemingly unable to convert the constant flow of long
corners.

Staines had constant possession but due to a few *allegedly* dubious decisions by the authorities found themselves on the losing side of the stick.

Special mention must go to Men of the Match Lizzie Hamilton and Debs "woman possessed" Hampton – the latter also somehow voted as Doris……?! Other special mentions must go to Juliet who scored 2 and Michelle who also slotted one past the keeper and to Karen Wells for stepping in as our goalie for this week.

Ladies 4th XI

Ladies 5th XI

In a thrilling game that saw 9 goals, Staines 5's were unlucky to finish the day empty handed.  After conceding 2 goals in the first half, Staines bounced back in a flurry of second half goals but were unable to defeat a strong Sunbury side who won the game 5-4.  In an end to end match, Ali helped herself to a hat-trick and Carol was also on the score sheet. Staines played some excellent hockey down both wings with Millie and Emma firing in some excellent crosses.  The defence put in a great effort under severe pressure.  Unfortunately it was not to be Stainesday, and with two goals disallowed in the second half they were just unable to overhaul Sunbury. Overall it was an excellent performance from the team as a whole, notably from Ali and Emma, the joint MoM's.